And we still keep on knock'n them....

As a people, we love to throw down challenges. Guys want to challenge each other on how fast they can run, how much they can drink, how much metal (some call them weights) one can lift, etc.... Sports is nothing but a series of challenges to decide who it the best. I challenged Tiger Woods to a round of golf this morning - killed that fool Wii style.

About a year ago I was challenged to do a week long detox. First and foremost if some knucklehead comes to you challenging you to a detox say, "no thank you kind sir (don't care if it is a woman, you call her a sir)" and then punch them right in the nose! They are evil, take it from me - evil!!! Anyway, I do the week long detox eating only raw food. I drop a couple hundred buck on food - regular honey was no good, I needed honey from the South Eastern Arizona honey bee... I am getting upset writing this. So for a week I only eat raw foods from the earth - blended, sliced, diced it did not matter...

At the end of 7 days you have to get 2 lemons and 12oz of EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil - I am embarrassed that I know that term. My excuse is that my roommate loves Rachel Ray. Honestly there is no excuse but it has been typed). You do 12 shots of EVOO and 12 lemon slices or wedges.

Let me just say this, I was on a 12 year no puke run... 12 years. That went right out the window, my streak ended and I puked my guts out... Drinking 12 oz of EVOO will make you sick, very sick....

As a side note - there are rules to this cleanse. One, raw food for 7 days. Two, drink the EVOO and then puke your guts out. Three, DO NOT rush back into eating cooked foods, meat, processed foods, etc.... They say it will make you sick, yeah right!

So there I am at the end of this battle, puking, feeling dead so what do I do - call my dear friends at Pizza Hut to order a meat lovers pizza! Then I walked across the street and grabbed a cold 6 pack of beers. After a slice of meat pie and a cold frosty I jumped from 20% to 85%!

Moral of this side story tangent - don't to the cleanse, it is bogus...

So I wrote all of that to let you know of a new challenge, one that I like... I really like this challenge. A pastor in TX has challenged all the married couples in his congregation to have sex for a week straight.... I love it. I knew I read the bible correctly - celebrate not celibate!

The pastor is all about the church reclaiming sex, good for you buddy.

Now I challenge you to go out and challenge yourself this weekend. If you are married perhaps take on the pastors challenge. If you are single, try to be good and moral this weekend... If you are dating, I challenge you to be different this weekend.... I challenge you to find and try a trailer park ice tea as well...

Challenges, they are good and bad but always make a great story...

I really feel like this was a below average blog, oh well I will do better on Monday

Fake out - stop asking me what I do...

People always ask me what I do - I don't know what I do... well I do but I don't as well. So when I am at parties these are the fake jobs I throw out to strangers... don't laugh, they work...

Here are the two I use.... enjoy

So, what do you do for work? "I work with the circus. Don't get to excited. I show up weeks before the circus actually shows up to handle logistical issues. The logistics I cover, poo. Don't laugh. You can't have 10 giraffes, 5 elephants, 20 zebras and horses, monkeys, etc... and not cover the logistics of where you have to put their poo. It can't just go in the trash and yes it is a logistical nightmare dealing with city councils, environmental nuts, fertilizer buyers, blah, blah, blah.. I joined the circus hoping to hang with the trapeze people and if I play my cards right I just might but until then I show up weeks early and deal with one thing - where will the poo go?"

So what do you do for work? "I design wrapping paper. Last year my design was number 67 out of 100 of the most popular designs chosen. It was peppermint sticks wrapped in mistletoe in straight lines, not diagonals - that one was number 33 out of 100 - the guy next to me stole my idea, added angles and well the rest is wrapping paper history. I will get him this year. The idea is simple, don't get to complicated with your paper. Imagine you have to wrap a ball, then a perfect box, then a rectangle, perhaps a triangles, maybe a puppy - is your paper breathable? All key questions you have to ask yourself before you begin putting the pen to paper and designing a legendary print that will last for years. Anyone can throw a Santa on some paper but that won't work - is he too big, too small, at an angle? I am just saying, my paper can make or break the perfect present - can you say that?"

So what do you do for work? "Diaper designer. I have a masters in plastic engineering and I work with firm stool, loose stool, urine and babies crawling around. I really can't complain, it is an industry that is always growing and we never really hit slow cycles. It also makes you sick in the head... I actually cheer for teenage pregnancy, customers baby. I can build/design a cheap diaper that a teenager or single mother can afford - winner, winner chicken dinner. BTW - you should get knocked up. Not in your plans? Hmmm, well how about a cocktail then?"

Some TV classics -

Art Vandaley - Architect
Fake Jane - CNBC Correspondent
Magnum PI - Valet, waiter, chauffeur,
Chuck - millionaire, cold hearted thief, race car driver
A-Team - you name it, they did it!

We are not savages, seriously....

I notice random things and for some reason they really bother me, get under my skin and eat at me all day. It's only 8am and I am already annoyed - annoyed by the savages that run a muck in our daily lives....

So I am going to break it down for you. Read this and become a member of society and remove yourself from the ranks of the savages.... 3 simple steps will get you on your way...

1. Personal Space: There are just rules in life and one is that you always stay an ATM distance away from another person unless you are invited into their personal space. If you, yes I am talking to you, you savage, are confused by the term ATM space please let me elaborate... Savage, when you go to the pretty box at the bank or in the "oh thank heaven, 7-11, and after a series of action it gives you cash - that is an ATM. People don't slip up close to me like we shooting Dirty Dancing - "don't back baby into a corner." This applies to lines as well - yes I am talking to you, you Starbucks savages.... Back it up, I don't want to and don't need to feel your morning breath on the back of my neck.

2. Hold onto your cart: Last night I went to den of savages, Costco. Huge carts, vats of mayo, gallons of ketchup, thousands of pickles, etc.... Everyone making sure they buy more then they need, but that is not the point. While walking the freeway wide aisles of Costco I noticed something - people will leave their X-large shopping carts to walk across the aisle and check out the super sized package of pork loins... Like operating a Mack Truck, I now have to maneuver my super sized cart to not ram into the cart you just left because you are a savage with ADD. When you go shopping keep your cart with you and while you are working on keeping things with you - keep your kids with you. I don't need to be dodging your shopping cart while you running from left to right on a whim and try to dodge your ankle biter as they treat Costco or any other store for that matter, as they treat the store like their own personal park! If you have too put your kids on a leash, I am cool with that, it's not abuse....

3. Take it out, now! As I was in line this morning waiting for my Venti Non Fat No Whip Mocha (swimsuit season is right around the corner) with my personal space being invaded I noticed a guy (to be honest at first I noticed his fake rug, errrr the mop he threw on top of his head calling it hair) talking to a young lady and he had a blue tooth in his ear.... Really savage, really (technology does not preclude you from being a savage)? You are that important then even during a conversation, and I don't care if it is a stranger or not, you can't take that piece of technology out of your freaking dome?!?!? Come on savage, recognize that you, in fact nobody is that important... Not once did I see President Elect Obama have a blue tooth in his dome while talking with people... And what happens if you get a call? Seeing how you are a savage, more then likely you just do the shoulder turn, click on your ear like a cool guy/gal and start chatting it up. Side note: I put guy and gal there because I am trying to include all sexes as savages and blue tooth rockers. But honestly I have yet to see a female rock a blue tooth in public or while having a conversation so my apologies for trying to be politically correct - if for some reason I do find a woman savage rocking a blue tooth while talking to another person (waiting for that all important call from the good Lord above) then I will put you lady savages on blast.....

There are savages out there and we need to help them out.... Poor savages, they make the Geico Cave Men look like your average citizens....

3 dead sister, Chicago and Mr. Clean

It is a crazy day at the office, what ever that means... I am slamming back espresso from my friends at Starbucks (just read that the companies profits dropped 97% - really? too bad the lines haven't dropped 97% - it took me 20 minutes to get a mocha this morning.... makes me wonder, how are profits down but the lines are up??? come on Starbucks, you are serving espresso and java so speed it up - ranting but back on track) and reading about mortgage modifications.... In between articles on personal finance I caught this little gem -

A woman was found living with her 3 dead siblings. Let's all say it together, PSYCHO - just put the dead bodies in the rocker, dress her up and chat it up with her, oh don't forget when you talk for her use her voice, not your own....

I am serious here, she was found with her 3 dead siblings.... Come one. What is wrong with this woman's family? So Martha (don't know her real name) what ever happened to Sue, Linda and Joanne (all fake names as well)...? I think they just left town on horse and buggy - you know my sisters where big hitch hikers - God only knows where they are but I can assure you they are not dead and in their rooms and don't look under the sheets around the house...

Funny after this woman was living with her dead siblings for 30 years they where confident to announce - "no foul play was suspected." Really Hunter (80's TV reference number 1 - there may be more...) are you sure? She's living with her dead sisters. I am all about innocent until proven guilty but come on man - there is nothing innocent about hiding and living with dead bodies, nothing... You better go Heart to Heart (80's reference number 2) and investigate this nut case...

I usually feel bad calling out 90 year old women - crunchy, nut bag, Golden Girl (80's reference number 3 - you did not wake up this morning and think, wonder if I will hear a shout out to the Golden Girls... No way, but you did - you are welcome), one who lives with dead sisters.... But I don't feel bad here, this lady is flat out crazy.... She needs a padded room and 3, much younger looking fake sisters - perhaps 3 CPR dolls for her to chill out with. I am not cruel and I don't want to rip her sisters away from her, lets ease her out of this - FYI, your sisters are dead... No need to shock the crazy bird she has 3 to 6 more months of strong mentally healthy living ahead of her, plus science should study her and more importantly - a cleaning supply company should get her as a spokesperson... Follow me on this -

She lived in Chicago with dead bodies for 30 plus years and no one was the wiser... That means she kept a clean house and figured out a way to keep the pesky dead body smell away for 30 years... I can't even keep my trash from stinking up the house after I throw away the ground beef wrapper - the next morning the house smells like dead animal carcase... Begs the question, what cleaning supplies did she use? Perhaps it was all Glad plug ins or candles - I am leaning towards the bald cleaning guy, MR. Clean - he covers 30 plus years of cleaning and has a lemon fresh scent... Only Quincy would know for sure (70's TV reference, bleeds into the 80's)

For the complete article go to the following URL:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20081110/od_nm/us_usa_corpses;_ylt=AnxbLCoT6zJoWMsOftiNvXztiBIF

Happy Tuesday and stop living with your dead relatives...

It's so hard to say goodbye....

TV - you have to love it. Yesterday I spent 10 hours in front of the TV watching football, Family Guy, American Dad and 60 minutes (great piece on a Green Company that is not soooo green - BUSTED!).... With the invention of the DVR I have found more time for TV (sorry friends, God and family - it's an addiction and I expect one day that the TV show Intervention will be at my place taking away my TV and DVR - don't even try it, don't. I will leave you all and turn right back to a pre-recorded show while my DVR records 5 other shows..... It's amazing, you should try it).

Where was I?? Oh yeah, recording TV shows... So with more channels and the ability to record random shows without it getting in the way of the shows I love so much my addiction has grown... One show I have grown to love, Survivor Man! I especially like to watch the Survivor Man show while I am curled up on my couch, Bentley and Baily (golden lab puppies) on each side of me, food ordered online and a cold beer in my hand.... That is the only way to watch the show... This guy goes days, sometimes 7 days without food while lions and jaguars chase him through the wilderness. He almost dies, I always laugh - then he eats some dirt worm with a dust of hand made sea salts and beetle shells - I barf in mouth, dinner is ruined, I curse him and wonder - "If I am ever in the wilderness lost, cold and hungry will watching Survivor Man help me or make me bitter that I did not pay attention, that I made fun a little too much... hmmmm."

Anyway, I write all this to announce that Survivor Man is done - don't feel bad for the host that puts his life on the line every week, he needs the break. When asked about the show, the dangers and what he really fears Stroud (Survivor Man) came strong with....

"I did get chased out of the jungle by a jaguar once and I had one situation in the Kalahari Desert where it came close to calling in my rescue crew as I got close to having heat stroke. It was 61 degrees Celsius. (142 degrees Fahrenheit - and to this I write, take some hot yoga sucker!)

"But probably my most scared was being in lion territory in Africa. That was a scary place to be."

Is he scared of much?

"Mediocrity and losing my children," he said, adding: "And I'm not good with heights although I have just got my pilot's license."

I guess I am back to watching Dirty Jobs (no more testicle farms Mike - come on man....). I am sad that I will no longer be watching a man who's only true fear is mediocrity (lamest answer on the earth).

Enjoy your Monday - I know I will....