Dating (again), Scarlet Letter, Married Eye Guy and much more...

I have a new dream today - a dream that involves me typing more but typing with a purpose, a vision.... oh yes, I have a dream and it is being the next Dear Abby or Margo or Tom or whomever people write to...So I have stolen a couple of Dear Margo letters and I am going to answer them.... I think I have a calling and it starts with giving advice....

Lets get started (I have changed all references from Margo to Jason):

DEAR Jason: I am a 19-year-old female living with my fiancé of two years. I do love him, but we have one main problem: our sex life. He wants to have sex every day, even though I, for the most part, am no longer interested in sex ... with him. We have tried things like role-playing and whatnot, but still it's a no-go. We do have sex a few times a week, and I let him do his thing. Now, for the major problem: I have been spending time with an older gentleman, 31, who is my optometrist. He's very kind, charming and cute. Lately he's been making sexual comments and I find myself reciprocating. One day we were hanging out at his office and I got caught up in the moment and kissed him! He, of course, kissed me back and asked whether I was going to continue to come visit him. Although he is married and has two little girls, his wanting to see me again is rather exciting. I asked him if it was a bad thing that we kissed, and his response was that kissing isn't that bad, though I'm not sure his wife would be too happy. I don't know if he's looking for more, but God knows I need some good sex. I know the right thing to do -- he's married. But if he's making sexual advances and we're both interested, should I follow through?--- HORNY AND CONFUSED

Dear H&C - Really? Are you horny and confused or are you just a modern day Hester Prin? Curious? So let’s break this down - the man you love wants you, CHECK... You kissed a married man and continue to flirt with him, CHECK... Now the break down H&C. First, before you give the man you love some disease he cannot cure with a visit to the clinic and a pill or shot, leave him... He does not want or need Gonaherpasyphalaids, I am also assuming the married guy does not want to bring that back to his wife - sorry but I have to assume that if you are flirting with and kissing married a guy you are doing other things you are just not ready to tell the advice guru. That would be classic - your married optometrist sees the light with a case of genital warts... Then he fixes your eyes so you can see the light. Then you kids can share genital warts together, ahhhh the romance... For some real advice. Leave the eye guy alone - he has his own problems and you are adding to them. Two, learn how to communicate with the man you say you love. Most importantly, stop writing me stupid letters bragging about your woman at the well whorish ways and get a grip - either move to the bunny ranch in NV or learn to hold a bean between your knees while around other guys around...

Round Two (this is easy and fun)

DEAR JASON: My friend has been writing, e-mailing and web-caming a man located in China who is from Africa. He has sent her a plane ticket to China for a two-week visit. I think she is crazy for thinking about going on a first date in China. She says she can run to a military base if necessary, since she is a retired military veteran. Furthermore, she is in an electric wheelchair, has diabetes and RSD. This man from Ghana is 40 and she is 55. What is the motive here? He apparently is not after money: He is educated, grew up in Nigeria and is well traveled. She speaks many languages, but Chinese isn't one of them. My friend is lonely since her husband died three years ago and likes this man from what she knows of him -- but what can you really know over the Internet? I am very concerned about her going on this trip. What should I do?WORRYWART FRIEND

DEAR WW: If there is one and only one thing I have learned from both Fax machines and the information super highway, I believe you kids call it the Internet is that people from Africa that make promises online with airplane tickets, direct deposit money transfers and lotto winnings - they are all true! I have yet to read or hear of a scam coming from China or Africa and those you say they have - erroneous! More to the point, you need to tell your handicapable friend that going to China to meet a guy she "chats" with on IM or has some illicit web cam romance is not only a great idea but the next generation of what we call the electronic love story.... This is the future worrywart get out of the slow lane on the super highway. Man, remind me never to invite you to a party or a speed dating event - you are a drag!

Jason

The X-Rated Prison Break....

Since day 1 I have been a fan of the hit TV show Prison Break - loved the whole idea behind the show... sure it has gotten off track from year one and two, but all in all still a good show. That written, I think there is time for a new show, revolving around prison and based on a true story probably for Showtime or HBO, I have feeling this show could go graphic...

Yesterday a group of prisoners, some male some female where busted for removing ceiling tiles, sneaking around in the rafters of prison to play cards, have sex and drink homemade booze! They used the drain stop from their sink as a screw driver to remove the ceiling tiles...

First, before I get into the programing of the show (following the Prison Break theme) I am wondering - when did we start having co-ed prisons???? I did not have co-ed dorms in college, my life is barely co-ed but people in prison get all the luxuries co-ed living including free food, cable, fitness facilities and people telling you what to do all the time....

Anyways....

Year 1 - trying to find sex in a co-ed prison. They see the opposite sex. They want the opposite sex. They can't get the opposite sex.... There in lies the challenge.... (Just like Prison Break, the brothers are in prison, they need to stop a death and get out... Season 1)

Year 2 - the tiles are removed and the romance begins. Guys, ladies are still ladies - even in prison. So don't just think that because they are in prison they are going to give it up to any old guy that can remove a prison ceiling tile to meet you in the rafters - this is not Caged Heat (70's ladies prison movie). So year two is an escape to romance (card games, winks, meeting times, toilet made alcohol - all the dating luxuries of prison - perhaps some extra tooth paste or a special scented bar of soap....), as the prisoners use their evening to escape from the hard world that is prison (minus the free food, cable TV, endless days of reading and shankings).... (Just like Prison Break, after the guys escape they are on the run...)

Year 3 - I have strung you along for two years and guess what pervert - no SEX! They are just about to have their "magical" prison date (oh man, that is the name of the show - Prison Date, how things come to me, amazing)... anyway there they are about to have their magical, intimate date and - the man steps in, the bacon, the pig, the prison guard... I think after season one and two you the view are believing that this prison - meet me late night in the rafters of prison with a deck of cards and some toilet booze is really in love... But now they have been caught, they are separated, both in solitary confinement until the prison can figure out how they did it and what they will do with them....

That is all I got for you...

For the real Prison Love story - read below:

Three male and three female inmates at a southern Indiana jail face charges that they devised a way to sneak between cell blocks to help pass their time behind bars by having sex.

The inmates figured out how to remove metal ceiling panels in the Greene County Jail and used the passageway more than a dozen times in September and October, according to court documents.

The men _ ages 44, 38 and 17 _ and the women _ ages 27, 26 and 21 _ crawled through the ceiling after midnight, having sexual encounters and drinking homemade alcohol that was found hidden in the male cell block, a police affidavit said.

One male inmate who was not charged said the female inmates would "hang-out, play cards or have sex with some of the male inmates" in their cell block, the affidavit said.The inmates were able to find a security camera "blind spot" where they could remove ceiling tiles and create a passage between the cell blocks, Sheriff Terry Pierce said Tuesday.

The inmates used a shower drain as a tool to loosen security screws and the ceiling tiles were carefully replaced so they did not appear to be disturbed, Pierce said."We could not see it," he said.

The ceiling panels have since been secured, and Pierce said he was seeking funding to improve security at the jail, which was built in 1994 in the city about 25 miles southeast of Bloomington.

Pierce called the inmates' activities "embarrassing" to himself and his staff."If your facility has a flaw, if you house prisoners in it, they will show you. They will find it," he said. "We're going to have to find a way to have a better security system."

Prosecutors have filed felony escape charges against the six inmates, who were awaiting trial on a variety of charges. Five of the inmates remain in the Greene County Jail, while one has been transferred to the Monroe County Jail in Bloomington.Pierce said the investigation is ongoing and other current or former jail inmates may be charged.

Spa time...

Life is all about good clean living and you need to take care of yourself. One of the best ways to take care of yourself is a nice hour or perhaps day at the spa.... The spa industry has taken off over the past decade and everyone in the industry is trying to differentiate themselves - stand out from the strip mall of day spas that have blotted the suburban landscape, calling to the soccer mom who just needs a break....

Hear the call.... It has an off ring, but it the spas are calling...

Poo Facial: At Santa Fe’s Ten Thousand Waves spa, the Nightingale Cleansing Mask includes a powder composed of “sanitized droppings” from the tiny wonder-birds.

Really? - I am going to pay hundreds of dollars to put sanitized bird poo on my face... Furthermore, sanitized poo? What is sanitized poo? If it is sanitized or if it can be sanitized, can it still be called poo?

Flesh eating fish: At a Virginia salon, a type of carp (garra rufa) is used in the prep portion of a pedicure treatment, during which the fish nibble away dead skin cells. (Also called “doctor fish,” these toothless wonders were originally used to treat such conditions as psoriasis and eczema)

Wow! When I was a kid there was a famous 70's horror film about piranhas, they are flesh eating fish... Idea, the light bulb is on, a spa horror film where over night these little flesh eating fish get teeth and eat a person just trying to get rid of some dead skin... Side note, do you think someones feet could be so bad and stinky that they could kill the little flesh eating fish? I have smelt and seen some bad feet in my day... Not my own of course...

Bull Navy (seaman - laugh) and your hair: Hari’s, a London salon, combines Pedigree Aberdeen Angus bull sperm and Katera root from an Iranian plant to form a protein-packed powerhouse that’s recommended for anyone who has fine, over-processed hair or frizzy hair.

Question: Who tested this? What guy was on the farm in Iran understanding the power of a Katera root and then, light bulb pops! - If you add some bull sperm..... Your hair will grow. Who wasthe founder of this odd concoction finishing up his day of collecting bull sperm and then preparing Katera root only to notice he had hairy hands???

Ramen me one time: For anyone who’s dreamed of bathing in a broth of ramen—all two of you—the wait is over. Japanese spa Hakone Kowakien Yunessun offers just such a treatment, replete with noodles, collagen and garlic extracts that improve one’s skin and metabolism.

Thought: Ramen is about 15 packages for a dollar, the treatment is 35 dollars.... Hmmmm... Seems to be a college kid playing on the hopes and dreams of the super elite who don't do their own shopping - if they did they would know the true cost of Ramen and do it themselves for pennies on the dollar...

Rolling in the HAY: Since 1903, the Hotel Heubad in northern Italy has offered a Hay Bath treatment. The guest lies down on a sheet and is covered with warm, presoaked hay. More hay is piled on top of the body, up to chin level.

Buck it: When I was younger I used to buck bails, hay bails... You want to be head to toe in hay, presoaked in your natural sweat? You can at any ranch during hay season... Great work out, covered in natural hay.... I will only charge you 150 per treatment - it is an all day session...

People inject poison into their face to look younger... Rub poo on their face to have smoother skin... Role in hay for rejuvenation.... Rub bull sperm on their head for thicker hair.... What is wrong with us? Lever 2000 will clean all your 2000 parts; Zest fully cleans (just ask and they will tell you, you are not fully clean until you are Zest fully clean)... come on people, stop the madness, especially the Ramen and Bull Sperm madness that is just wrong on so many levels...

A... I... Greed

I am sure you have all read or seen on the box that flashes lights, errr the TV - we, the taxpaying citizens of the US bailed our AIG at the tune of 85 billion dollars. The argument was made that our current economic structure could not survive without AIG, so we bailed them out... I am all about helping people out, why not... when in need, lend a helping hand - maybe not 85 billion in helping hands but whatever...

SO - why am I writing about this old news? Well on Friday fires raged throughout Southern California and my dear friend Jane Wells was on sight reporting on the multi million dollar homes burning down... And who was there to help, AIG. Well AIG actually only helped one home. There were 6 homes in danger of being burnt down and one of the homes had purchased the AIG fire insurance - when it was all said and done the only house that survived was the AIG fire insured home. AIG sprays a special fire retardant chemical on the trees, grass, home, etc to make sure it does not catch on fire.... You have to see the report (the link is below) from Jane and the arrogance of the AIG fire prevention specialist as he talks about how only one of the 6 homes had the insurance so, they could only save that home... REALLY guy????? I am pretty sure we, the tax payers (and I will just assume that owners of the multimillion dollar homes where tax payers) just bailed out your company - and you can't spray a little to the left and right?The news was that one home was saved and 5 burned down because they did not have the AIG fire insurance along with countless others... It could have been - AIG saved 6 homes and many more, saving those that saved them... NO PR sense what so ever... I am just sick by this, totally sick by this... AIGreed!

Here is the link to Jane's report:
http://www.cnbc.com/id/15840232?video=928542265&play=1

In other news - I have answer to the Detroit bailout...

The major US car makers need to be bailed out and they want a slice of the 700 billion dollar piece of pie - first I say, "no billion dollar bailout for you!" You want money, get it from the oil companies... Have the people you have helped gain billions of dollars in gas and oil bail you out, I for one am not here to bail out companies that are continually failing. Give that money to Steve Jobs and the guys who started Tesla and let them create an affordable green car. If the Detroit boys want to keep creating poisonmobiles - let the oil companies bail you out.... And I have solved another world problem, it is what I do on Mondays....

Happy Monday party people