Day 3: tray table back, beer in hand, credit card ready...

Naughty or nice - check that list twice and make sure you got what you need for everyone this holiday season.... Today we are going to focus on gifts that might be a gag but are also a great idea. I really can't thank Sky Mall enough... Tis the season so lets get this list started - ho, ho, ho...

Starting off the action is the often copied, never duplicated -

1. Pop Art Holiday Toaster

For breakfast fun with the kids use our red Pop Art Toaster which has 6 removable stencil art plates to brand holiday images onto your toast or sandwiches. Remove the art plates and you have a regular retro-style toaster to brighten your kitchen every day!

RW comments: And you thought that picture of Jesus that was on the piece of toast that Access Hollywood profiled was real - NO! It was just the Pop Art Holiday Toaster... I must admit, I do believe that there are some natural phenoms out there - my buddy got a bruise that looked like, well it was not the face of Mother Theresa but it looked like something real (that will be another blog).

Lets stay in the kitchen - it's the holidays and the kitchen is full of treats, eggnog (not my cup of heavy cream) and if you play your cards right...

2. The Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker.

Operating much like a pop-up toaster, this unique kitchen appliance lets you easily prepare two hot dogs (complete with toasted buns) in minutes. Its 660-watt electronic heating coil has time settings for heating hot dogs and buns to your taste preference. Crumb basket removes for cleaning. Plugs into AC. 8-1/2" H x 10-1/2" W x 5-1/4" D. (6 lbs.)

RW comments: A hot dog cooker that cooks the dog and toasts the buns... This is American innovation at it's finest - contact lens', man on the moon, eclipse gum and the pop-up hot dog cooker. AMAZING!

We have been shopping 6 miles above the earth so lets look at some stuff that also takes to the sky.... Coming in at number 3:

The Remote Controlled Flying Pterosaurs.

This remote-controlled pterosaurs maneuvers like the prehistoric flying lizard of the Cretaceous Period, flapping its wings to soar, dive, and glide indoors or outdoors. The ornithopter's dual wings and the tail-mounted propeller generate enough lift to send the device up to 35' in the air and hover in place--just like its prehistoric inspiration did when marking its prey. The ornithopter's fully functional, radio-frequency remote control has a 100' range, allowing the pterosaurs to ascend, descend, move forwards, and turn left or right. The durable EPP foam body and Mylar wings withstand crash landings. Includes rechargeable battery that lasts up to 20 minutes after a 20-minute charge, an additional set of wings, and two additional propellers. Remote requires six AA batteries; pterosaurs plugs into the remote to recharge. Ages 8 and up. Imported. 3" H x 14" W x 16" L. (1 lb.)

RW comments: The good Lord above removed these beasts from the sky but the genius bar at Sky Mall thinks they are smarter then the great creator... Really? Well if you have been watching the Terminator series then you would know that this is how it all starts - flying dinosaurs that leave the confines of their remote control world attacking humans and building bigger and more agile flying dinosaurs... Thanks for bringing on the end times Sky Mall...

From taking over the sky's to taking over our minds... The machines are taking over it is a fact Jack! Coming in at number 4 - the ultimate in mind control, I mean movie watching -

Crystal

Sit back, relax and enjoy your favorite movie--privately. connected to your iPod, Myvu Crystal provides hands-free viewing. Thin, lightweight and durable with patented SolidOptex technology. VGA resolution, Ultimate Ears ear buds. Rechargeable battery (over 4 hours of viewing).

RW comments: sit back, relax and get brainwashed - that is what they really mean to write down. This kind of technology is straight out of V (if you are a kid of the 80's you know all about these creepy lizard people that eat our rats and want our water - kill the rats, but the water - not cool lizard people from outer space). The "crystal" will send signals into your mind that will make you shop more, increasing the credit crisis and ultimately ending our economic system - gold will hold the value of dirt and dirt will hold the value of gold - our world will be upside down!

Number 5 is here - the paranoid side of me has come out like a pot smoker who is frozen in front of a TV ranting about all things possible.... Let's keep with the theme and curb those munchies, let's get back in the kitchen from some...

Edge Baking Pan

If you love brownies that have crunch, caramelized, toasty edges, this pan is for you! Brownies will have perfect edges on every piece. You'll also love the results with quick breads, cobblers and lasagna because they bake evenly, no burnt edges or gooey centers. Heavy gauge cast aluminum with a nonstick finish. Includes a mini spatula for easy serving. Use with boxed mixes or recipes that call for a 9"x13" or 9"x9" pan.

RW comments: Finally a brownie pan that gives me what I need - crusty edges in every bite. This is right up there with the pop-up hot dog toaster. If we can move this kind of genius from pen/paper to production then we can do anything - maybe, just maybe, stop the machines from taking over...

Happy Holiday Shopping

Day 2 - shopping like DB Sweeny

Here we are, day 2 of shopping from the best mall on earth - Delta... 6 miles high with Sky Mall by my side. If you are bummed that you will not be flying anytime soon, don't be... Sky Mall is also on the information super highway or two lane bumpy road if you have dial up - visit them at SkyMall.com...

And now for some shopping -

The first item on my list (beat on your desk, key board or nearest child like drums):

Indoor Dog Restroom

This mat-and-tray system gives dogs a place to relieve themselves when they can't get outside for respite. Ideal for high rise-dwelling dogs, when owners aren't home, or even just for times of harsh weather, this ingenious system uses a mat made of antimicrobial, porous artificial turf that gives off an organic scent to attract dogs, so they can be taught quickly that it is an acceptable spot for relieving themselves. The mat sits on top of a plastic insert which allows liquid to drain into the included tray for easy clean-up. The turf yarn is a unique construction specially designed for use with dogs, and its antimicrobial composition helps prevent odors. The tray is easy to empty and can hold up to two gallons of liquid. 1" H x 30" W x 20" L. (6-1/2 lbs.)

RW comments: Are you the person I see that puts weather proof socks on your dog? Is that you? Then this is for you. Key term, "prevents" odors - it does not stop the pungent smell of urine that sits and ferments in the plastic tray below the fake grass - BTW if you are too lazy to take your dog out in bad weather, then you will be too lazy to empty that tray in a timely fashion... gross

Number 2 on the list (hit that kid again and tell him/her that it is good luck and brings Santa):

The Only Digital Camera Swim Mask.

This is the world's only swim mask that has an integrated waterproof digital camera, eliminating the need to carry an underwater camera, keeping your hands free as you swim. The 5-megapixel camera can operate to a depth of 15', making it ideal for use when snorkeling or in swimming pools. The mask's eye pieces are made of tempered glass and have integrated cross hairs that allow you to line up shots easily; simply press the shutter button to take pictures or videos. An LED inside the mask tells you if you are in still picture or video mode. Downloading images is as easy as plugging in the mask to your PC's or Mac's USB port (USB cable included), and the included software allows you to edit your content. Its built-in 16MB memory can store up to 30 high-resolution pictures (2560 x 1920) or up to 52 seconds of video. A microSD card slot allows you to expand memory for additional pictures or videos. Requires two AAA batteries. Ages 8 and up.

RW comments: well this is just cool. Seriously people no matter where you live, get this... I know that every time I come up from snorkeling I am so bummed I did not have a swim mask that doubled as a camera. All the cool stuff to take pictures of is underwater - that is just a simple fact....

Number 3 on the list (OK, you can stop hitting the kid next to you and tap on your leg instead):

The Maui Pocket Saxophone.

This is the pocket woodwind that is the size of a standard recorder, yet plays a two-octave chromatic scale with the same intonation as a tenor saxophone. Designed by artisans who originally handcrafted them from bamboo stalks cut from rain forest groves in Eastern Maui, this version produces a sound that precisely matches the originals unique rich, deep sound and vibrant power. The large round mouthpiece is fitted with a solid brass ligature and a #2-1/2-strength tenor saxophone reed. The instrument is tuned to C and plays two octaves lower than conventional flutes of the same size, nearer to a clarinet. Small enough to fit in a backpack or purse, the pocket sax is made from durable injection-molded ABS plastic. 13" L x 1-1/2" Diam. (3 oz.)

RW comments: Calling all those wanna be Ron Burgundy jazz flute players - here it is your starter kit. Please note this musical gem, played by tools that love to sing karaoke and bring their own instruments to further entertain the crowd, is made with real bamboo from Easter Maui - so you know it's good, really good...

Number 4 on the list (just stop drumming and read):

We use your color photo (up to 8" x 10") to create a full color custom throw!

Turn your parent's wedding photo into a cherished heirloom, honor a military hero, make a keepsake of the last family reunion photo or memorialize a beloved pet! Design is actually jacquard woven right into the 100% cotton tapestry throw--not screen printed--for a soft, lush feel and unbelievable reproduction.

RW comments: Let's just shoot this in the foot Plax style right away - "Yes honey you do have a huge head...." "Stop Jimmy, it is not cool to fart on little Sally's throw blanket picture...." "Wow, after 5 washes many of the family members have either lost their chin or grown a third eye.." Bottom line, don't buy it....

And number 5 is....

"Big Foot the Garden Yeti" Sculpture

With his characteristically big feet, our over two-foot- tall Garden Yeti will have guests doing a double-take as they admire your creative gardening style! With alleged sightings the world over from the highest Himalayas to the northwest United States, this elusive, mythical legend has been captured exclusively for toscano in quality designer resin and finely hand-painted for startling realism. (12 lbs.) 19 1/2" W x 19" D x28 1/2" H.

RW comments: creative gardening style, that is a very liberal take on what you may find outside of a trailer park in the great NW. The legend of the Yeti will never die, especially if we start adorning our trailer parks, errr gardens with live size sculptures of our furry friends... You can't have this in your yard and believe in evolution, sorry but you just can't...

Well there you have it, the mid week 5 before happy present under tree day... Come back tomorrow for more great gift ideas... Until then party people...

Shopping 6 miles high....

I was traveling last week, this weekend and then back home on Monday - while I was 6 miles above the savages I did what any good customer of the sky does... I ordered some cold beers and flipped through the latest issue of Sky Mall. This weeks blogs will be dedicated to the wildest Sky Mall gifts both online and in the magazine (yes I am the guy that actually left the airplane with the latest issue of Sky Mall - I hid it in my jacket. Yes, I know they are for free but still I was a bit embarrassed...)



Dec 16th, 9 days from the presents under tree day so lets get shopping. You are already 6 miles high so lean your seat back, unlock your tray table, yell "ping" and let your significant other that you will need a cold beer and away we go!



Number 1 on the list and a must have for every kid, frat house and guy who just can't let go -



The Marshmallow Shooter.


This clever pump-action device shoots sweet, edible miniature marshmallows over 30', and--unlike other marshmallow blasters--it comes with an LED sight that projects a safe beam of red light to help locate a target for accuracy. The easy-to-refill magazine holds 20 marshmallows (or foam pellets, not included) for fast, nonstop action. Barrel and magazine are top rack dishwasher safe, and the back of the box includes a target for practice. Ages 6 and up. 4" H x 17-3/4" L. (1-3/4 lbs.)



RW comments: I love the pump action. I am also wondering how the warning label reads? No stale marshmallows, no rocks, no gumballs, stay at least 5 feet away when shooting and yes, just like mom said, "if you are not careful someone will lose an eye!"



Number 2 (we will do 5 each day) on the list:



The Interactive Ride-On Personal Watercraft Game.


This inflatable personal watercraft game connects to a television and translates a child's left and right leans into turns on an on-screen challenge course, while controls on the handlebar allow in-game acceleration, and hand-brakes provide deceleration. The system has six different play options, including three racing challenges, a rescue mission, a treasure puzzle, and an undersea fish-catching game, and all controls are easily accessed on the handlebars. There is no software to install or complicated set-up, and the game can be disconnected and stowed away in minutes. Requires eight AA batteries. Ages 5 and up. 15-3/4" H x 24" W x 54" L. (6-1/4 lbs.)



RW comments: I am wondering, is there a weight restriction to this toy? What if the fat kid in the neighborhood (that was me when I was younger) comes over and pops this wonder toy? Also, can we invent/create one more toy to ensure that kids never have to go outside and actually experience the elements or see the sun? Sure it's cheaper then a jet ski but not safer - trust me....



Number 3 (FYI, each time you read a number you should have a drum role in your head, that is what I am doing and you want to be cool like me):



Life's a beach--SOAK it up!


For the 'big kid' in all of us, now the same footed pajamas you loved when you were a child are available in adult sizes!


For those hot summer days and nights at the cottage, our classic footed pajamas are now made with the same MOISTURE ABSORBING fabric technology used in the latest yoga and sportswear.


Soft, lightweight, and breathable, this amazing fabric is also antibacterial--so you stay clean and cool as you fly into style and comfort!!


A unique gift idea--perfect for pre-teens, teens, and adults!



RW comments: It's a onzie people... You put your baby in these but you don't put yourself in them. Don't be a rave kid... The pacifier was big in the rave crowd but I can guarantee this, the adult onzie will not be big, especially on the beach.. Buy at your own risk and when you order this gem you had better order some karate lessons online as well...



Number 4 (drum role) on the list:



PERSONALIZED HOMETOWN JIGSAW PUZZLE


Imagine the fun of working a jigsaw puzzle centered on your home. Made from a United States Geological Survey map, the 400-piece puzzle shows main roads, contour lines, water features, vegetation's, and notable buildings and structures.


At the center is a house-shaped piece representing your address. Completed 18 1/4" x 12 1/4" puzzle shows an area measuring 6 miles from east to west, 4 miles from north to south.
Arrives in a presentation box with space for a personal message. Specify recipient's full postal address including street number and name, city, state, and ZIP code.



RW comments: Cant' afford a GPS or Tom Tom for that special someone for holiday season? Get them a puzzle... After the build the puzzle of your home town they will be a regular taxi cab confessions...



And finally number 5 on the list is (I would have done a top ten but ten of these a day would have killed me and I think Letterman's people would have taken me to court), cause it's all about the family during the holidays:



Exclusive MY SISTER MY FRIEND MOBIOUS NECKLACE


A gift of endless affection. This phrase repeats as you read it, no beginning or end. Engraved 1" diameter Mobius strip pendant (created by a single magical twist) hangs from a matching 18"cable chain. Made in America. Story card included.



RW comments: It is important to note that the website makes sure you know that this item will NOT be discounted so don't wait and order now! Sorry, no my brother my bro necklace but they do have my step sister my wife engagement rings - only sold in key southern states where this act is not illegal or looked at as perverted or wrong...



Happy shopping and come back tomorrow for 5 more great gift ideas - 6 miles high singing, "If I had a million dollars."