Love and advice in 09... the divorce rate will go up...

For those of you that read my blog regularly (thanks for the love) you know my feelings on advice columnists and advice columns. There is no real advice is ever offered and the advice that is offered is horrible... Let's look at the 7 challenges in marriage from my friends at Redbook. For the record, I have never been married, never been engaged, never been in a "long term" relationship.... But that written, my parents have been married a lot and I have officiated 13 weddings (12 are still together, so my batting average is hot)... So with that disclaimer lets attack the Redbook article on how "difficult" marriage really is.

As a quick side note - if you never thought that marriage would be difficult then find someone, anyone (not the person you are with that would be just too easy) and run off to Vegas (Southwest has a flight to Sin City every 30 or 45 minutes out of most major cities) find 24hr Chapel and get hitched then call me 5 years....

Finally to the Redbook article (I honestly did not even know that Redbook was still around) -

The article does not start out well - "Somewhere deep in your subconscious lurk romantic visions of Cinderella, or maybe Julia Roberts." How can anyone link romance with Julia Roberts - she has been a hooker swept off her feet and a run away bride. So how does being a woman that takes money from strangers to have sex with them in hotels, driveways, alleys, cars, etc... how is that romantic? What am I missing here? I get that a rich slime ball that pays women money for sex swept her off her feet but he is still a hooker paying slime ball and probably has a VD cocktail of some kind like gonaherpasyphalaids. Sorry to burst this bubble that Pretty Woman was a romantic movie of some kind that the world is full of hookers that look like Julia Roberts or that rich guys save and marry hookers. Want a reality check ladies??? Think Hugh Grant and the toothless hooker that he got busted with - is that the romance you are looking for??? Maybe Hugh's hooker got the VHS of Pretty Woman from her pimp, inspiring her to work extra hard - really owning her corner... COME ON! What a sad world we live in. The advice columnist is calling on love and romance and her reference point is Pretty Woman, the hooker with a heart of gold.

This kind of advice is like slow dancing to the song, "More Than Words." Oh the romance of a guy strumming a guitar singing to women, I want to say I love but with more than words... Hey Ladies, he is telling you that the only way he can express his love is to sleep with you... Romance, alive and well with hookers and romance ballads... Almost as bad as the McDonald's Chicken Nuggets commercial as the guy sings a ballad about why he lady should share her nuggets with him - It is not looking good people, not good at all....

So that is how this gem of an article opens. As you can tell I am already heated and lets be honest, any real advice hidden in this column will be lost to me now.... One other quick side note, this is from Redbook so this the woman's perspective... Everything is about what the man does wrong or will do wrong... Enjoy

Insight number 1 on why marriage is so darn difficult (even if you where not a prostitute swept off your feet by rich customer just looking for sex but finding love....): You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?

This gem opens up with: "When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy -- your soul mate -- you'll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn't make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, "This is so not what I signed up for."

Ladies, you didn't marry coyote ugly (wake up next to someone so ugly and scary you will chew your arm off to get out of bed without waking that person up). Furthermore, if you are looking for joy from someone in the AM it should be your local barista - the am is a time to start your day off with a smile (wink, wink) or if neither of you are morning people then share in quiet misery until you get your cup of joe - the shoot a call or text about how much you love each other.... Finally, before you think again, is this what I signed up for, remember who you could have woken up next to for the rest of you life. You know what I am talking about - that ugly guy you met on Match.com that fooled you by using his picture from college to get a date with you - good morning sunshine!

Lesson 2: You'll work harder than you ever imagined. With gems like this, love really is a dead language my friends... Never, ever look at the person you love and then call them work or that loving them is work. Writing a press release is work, having a meeting with your boss is work. Love and loving someone is a choice - make the right choice...

Her gems go on and on, "Marriage takes work," you assume "work" means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naivete, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence."

Can we get passed this stereotype that all men leave the seat up and fart, can we??? BTW, if your struggles in your marriage are with a toilet seat up and some natural occurring gas than you have more problems then you realize. What happens when something really bad happens like the jelly knife also going in the peanut butter leaving jelly in the peanut butter? Stupid! And guys, we all know that ladies hate it when you give them a dutch oven or when you leave the seat up so know the rules - only do a dutch oven when it is cold, she wants to snuggle and you want to giggle and have to pass some gas... Per the toilet seat, only leave the seat up when the power is out and/or when you two kids are fighting to she falls in the toilet. You will laugh and lighten the mood - then duck, she just threw a bar of soap and you...

Number 3: You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder). This will happen when you dutch oven her after a fight.....

One of my personal favorites here - "Whoever decided to tell newlyweds "Never go to bed angry" doesn't know what it's like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn. If this scenario sounds familiar, I've got three words for you: Sleep on it."

I agree to sleep on a disagreement but never, ever go to bed angry... Anger eats away at you and like booze warps how you see and remember things. Anger also has the power to block what you hear or warp the words you hear or heard... This is why you agree to disagree, go to bed knowing that you both of you are seeing the world in a different light and then wake up and plan a time to talk about it... But angry - don't do it. Plus, you can't sleep well angry and that means you are now tired, grumpy and angry - neither your significant other or your local barista want to see you like this....

Number 4: Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together. This really all depends on if your significant other is a push over or a vindictive fighter... But let's look into the wisdom offered here with this gem...

Namely, that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong -- there is simply your way of looking at things and your husband's. "I used to be very black-and-white earlier in our marriage," says Lindy Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. "Now I see that I'm not all right and my husband is not all wrong. There's more gray in life than I thought, and that's taught me patience and the value of compromise."

Way to become a big kid, learning to play in the sand box with all the other kids... Good work! Seriously, this is advice and insight? To be a fly on the wall in these households - from when the wife was the end all be all of enlightenment to her figuring out (because she knows all) that understanding her husband may have an opinion and not be wrong is ok. How can you fall in love with someone that you think, they are always wrong... HOW!?!?!? Gray area, please - compromise, come on! How about the value of listening? The value of understanding? The value of a paradigm shift? As I read this column on advice and the insights and quotes from readers I am beginning to understand why there is such a high divorce rate, shocker...

Number 5 (I can barely take this): A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right. Where has it ever been written that a great marriage does take conflict? Confucius never said this, neither did baby, teen-age or bearded Jesus.

And the diamond in the rough to take away from this great insight at number 5... "As important as it is to strike a balance, it's also important to have a big, fat fight every now and then. Because when you fight, you don't just raise your voices; you raise real -- sometimes buried -- issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your man, and your relationship."

This totally makes sense if your relationship is built on make-up sex but yelling to yell to find deep buried issues is not cool. That is a far deeper problem called a lack of communication. Furthermore, yelling at someone shows a complete lack of respect for that person. Of course if you think you are always right and they are always wrong then scream at them, go to bed, wake up to scream at them some more, yell at your barista, watch Pretty Woman and then have make up sex - but don't address the real issue, the lack of communication and understanding in your relationship or this fun won't happen again... OH and when you wake up question yourself on if your marriage to this person was worth it and wonder, should and can this last forever....

Number 6: You'll realize that you can only change yourself. But if you are always right then why would you?

The nugget in this stream of BS: "Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man -- stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies -- is truly an impossible task."

Decades of bad habits? Beliefs? Idiosyncrasies? Does our writer need to look back at her paragraph on not knowing everything? I think so. I also love the martyr that she and others play as they try so hard to change us savages. The Gandhi hunger strike effort to change us is rude and shows a lack of interest or willingness to understand us as individuals. PS - get off the cross and come to earth, you are not perfect either...

And finally number 7: As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you're really made of. This has nothing to do with partnership of marriage but after 6 pieces of bad advice I was excited to read how she was going to quilt this together...

The fresh breeze of change: "After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I've come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I've had to examine my history with an emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage."

None of us are born in a bubble and the world around us can shape us - how it shapes us is up to us. Distant dad; strong willed mom and your marriage. I am not a fan of not properly addressing your problems. You want to avoid your past designing your future - communicate with your significant other... Let that special person know what you are going through and why it is happening. Communication, like relationships, evolves so let is unfold and share along the way - it won't be perfect but it will be better then just looking back and blaming mom and dad or just talking with girlfriends and sisters - good or bad. Talk with your husband. If you want to feel vulnerable - share with him your fears and why you do what you do, even if you don't understand. It is easier to create a tighter bond with friends and siblings then it is with a new person, even if you are married to that person....

There you have it..... if you want to read the full Redbook article click at the URL below.... PS, I don't think it will help. Also, I have met my Julia Roberts and Pretty Woman mentions for the year...

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24191/dating-101-seven-things-no-one-tells-you-about-marriage

2009 and Rewashed News - glorious!

Banned! But bring these back....

A new list of banned words have been compiled from the often copied, never duplicated, Lake Superior State University in Michigan (the same state that has laws about not annoying people - great list here).

The list is:

Green
Carbon Footprint
Maverick
First Dude
Main Street

According to the kids in Michigan these are the words that should no longer be used in 09. Really? These are the words that the college elite thought where used too much in 08 and hence should be banned in 09?

Maverick I get. Plus I don't think you can be a 90 year old Republican and be a Maverick (yes I am going to capitalize Maverick to annoy you). You can be on Viagra. You can be on Plavix. You can be on a combo of two with daily dose of baby aspirin to keep the heart attack at bay but a Maverick - no, not happening. Not even if you held onto a guys gold watch via your butt so you could give it to his kid - and that is not a Maverick move, that is just being gross.

I think that we, as Americans - the light house of freedom in a dark world, should end the banning words/actions and instead work towards bringing back some traditions that have gone the way of the Dodo bird....

Here are some examples:

The High 5. We need to bring this back - lets not go over the top and jump right to Top Gun style high fives but the regular high 5 needs to come back. And I don't care when the high 5 happens - I just want it back. Before you mock the high 5 think back and remember the joy a really good high 5 brought you and your corresponding high fiver... Pretty cool memory, now lets take it from the past and bring it back to the future!

We all know that the air guitar is back. They even have air guitar championships - random, odd and mere act of an air guitar championships makes Trekkies look like the defacto norm in society... That written can we please bring back the air saxophone? Please? The air sax was so cool in the early 80's when the sax was the defacto cool musical instrument. I am also for air drums (without rhythm) and the air piano - Billy Joel style would be the best...

Finally can we please bring back moon boots. I know what you are thinking - a mix of awesome and really hot, stinky, sweaty feet... But lets be honest, seriously take a moment - find a mirror and look at yourself repeating these words - "If moon boots where available would I buy them and then just watch your lips form the answer, "yes, yes I would." Silver moon boots with a fur lining - blue/black moon boots with your jeans tucked inside them.... That is living. Forget the Uhgs (however your spell those moon boot rip offs - not that I am banning them) and get into some old school classics - MOON BOOTS. FYI - you can buy some new fangled moon boots at http://www.moon-boots.com/ (happy shopping party people).

It has been a fun 08. Thanks for reading. Thanks for all of your comments. Most importantly, a special thanks to Jane Wells for encouraging me to write a blog, rant and joke around about the news, our world and everything in between....

See you all in 09.....

Liquid Calories - goes down so smooth....

I love Men's Health and how the crush anything and everything good in life. I wasn't born with a 6-pack so I don't know what I am missing but thanks to Men's Health I know why I am missing a 6-pack....

Put down the beverage you are drinking as we look at what not to drink (RWN comments in italics):

Baskin-Robbins Large Heath Bar Shake

2,310 calories
108 g fat (64 g saturated)
266 g sugar

America's Worst Drink by the numbers:

73: The number of ingredients that go into this milkshake. (I put more stuff in my chili, uh oh!)

66: The number of teaspoons of sugar this drink contains. (teaspoons seem so small until you get to 60 plus then is seems a bit excessive)

11: The number of Heath Bars you would have to eat to equal the number of calories found in one Baskin Robbins Large Heath Bar Shake. (I can eat 11 Heath Bars - No seriously I can, and without puking too)

12: The average number of minutes it takes to consume this drink. (Rule number 73 play like a champion or in this case, drink like one. The shake does not come with a nipple, drink up butter cup)

240: The number of minutes you'd need to spend on a treadmill, running at a moderate pace, to burn it off (Trust me, if you are drinking this you cannot do anything for 240 minutes - not one thing...)

Worst Hot Coffee

Starbucks Venti 2% (I love the 2% action, like I am ordering with gem with 2% milk, I want the fat milk that is thick and creamy - come on. No diet cokes and double quarter pounders)Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha
660 calories (this works out to about 17 to 20 hours of walking)
22 g fat (14 g saturated) (6 calories off from every religious nut out there condemning this fancy drink as the devils, come on starbucks add a little for me)
95 g sugar (it only seems like a lot of sugar because they use the number 95 - if the number was .95 well then it would not seem like so much and it would not be so much - FYI)

Important Rule of Thumb: Avoid holiday-themed items from coffee shops at all costs. From peppermint to egg nog to pumpkin, these are often the most sugar- and fat-packed drinks you'll find at places like Starbucks. Make your own flavored drinks instead, using skim milk, sugar-free syrups, and, of course, skipping the whip. (my rule of thumb: if it tastes really good and is not made at home it is fattening and bad for new - do the math dumb, dumb)

Worst Summer Cocktail (first of all, thank goodness is it not summer. Second, don't ever order this, ever!)

Pina Colada
625 calories
75 g sugars

Made from a blend of sickly-sweet pineapple juice and fat-riddled coconut milk, pina coladas may be this summer's biggest beach-body saboteurs. In fact, the only redeeming part of this drink is the garnish - that lonely chunk of pineapple hanging from the rim. Try a lime daiquiri or a mojito instead and save up to 400 calories. (The mojito is a drink for any occasion and is not limited to a season.... the daiquiri is just as bad the pina colad - the only person you are hurting is yourself...)

Worst Energy Drink

Rockstar Original (16 oz can)
280 calories
62 g sugar

Energy drink makers might feign a level of health by fortifying their products with a cocktail of vitamins and minerals, but don't be fooled (I am fooled, I love energy drinks - dang!): Any minimal benefit they might provide is snuffed out by the blanket of sugar and calories each can contains. Want energy? Try a cup of home brewed black tea. It nearly zero calories and contains a deluge of disease-fighting antioxidants. (or try a calorie free, sugar free Rockstar - give me more options then just black tea that is going to stain my teeth and cool white coffee cup. Thank goodness I am here).

Worst "Healthy" Drink (Can it be a healthy drink and be the worst? The simple answer is no but the complicated answer is, well it's still no.)

Glaceau Vitamin Water (20 oz bottle)
130 calories
33 g sugar

Vitamins and water might sound like the ultimate nutritional tag team, but what the label doesn't say is that a bottle of this stuff carries nearly as much sugar and calories as a can of Coke. Makes sense, though, since this so-called functional beverage is produced by our often-sugar-crazy friends at The Coca-Cola Company. (Vitamin water, I wonder if the people at Coke think that sugar is a Vitamin - hmmmm? Those crazy kids trying to pull the wool over our eyes again. First real cocaine in their soda, now sugar in their Vitamin Water - what will they think of next??)

Worst Light Beer

Samuel Adams Light (12 oz bottle)
124 calories (a moment on your lips, forever on your hips or on your beer belly)
10 g carbohydrates

Not a bad beer, but don't think you can sit around sipping these for four quarters without eventually paying the price in belly fat. With tasty beers like Beck's 64-calorie Premier Light readily available, why throw away 60 calories every time you twist the top? (I am down with Beck's light and the new MGD 64 - you can have 10 of these or 4 Sam Adams light. Do the math and understand - beer is meant to be put down like water... That is why you are drinking light beer you sissy so drink a real light beer that is really light - I wish they showed guys drinking light beer and floating around like those light milkyway candy bars).

There you have it - my key insights of what you shouldn't be drinking anymore. Well that is if you are going for 6-pack abs... I plan on having one of each of the beverages listed above tonight before I go to bed....

Monday's job report...

We are in the midst of a depression. Sure some will say recession, but it the powers that be 1 year to say that last year was a recession... hence, in about 2 or 3 years the brainiacs will look back and say, depression. So read it here now and call me the Nostradamus of the economic calendar....

With the economy going downhill like Chevy Chase on a turbo slide in Christmas Vacation many are out of jobs and looking for work. More people have decided to break away from the normal and go for a job that breaks the mold - perhaps a job that inspires conversation at cocktail party or for the first time you meet that special someones parents...

Yahoo came out with jobs. Here is Yahoo's list with my comments on each job....

Eco Tourism Director

Traditional hospitality careers are increasingly marching to the ecotourism drumbeat. According to the International Ecotourism Society, ecotourism is growing at three times the rate of traditional vacationing, increasing annually up to 30 percent. If you're just preparing for the field, seek an associates degree in hospitality, travel, or tourism. If you're already aboard, why not train to manage a hotel, bed and breakfast, spa, or resort with a graduate degree in business or hospitality? The majority of lodging managers are self-employed professionals. Top earners in 2007 averaged $83,240 for the year.

RW comments: One of the key items missing from this job description is the hours worked. I know people in the hotel business - long hours. Even at 80 plus a year, if I do the math with my shoes off it comes out to 35 cents an hour, plus or minus 8 to 25 dollars. I also like how the job is Eco Tourism Director (that sounds made up) and the description pushes me to manage the local B&B or Marriott... Come on Yahoo...

Professional Hacker

Ever hear of a certified ethical hacker? That's the professional IT certification for a computer scientist that works as a security specialist, forensic investigator, or network defense architect for corporations, the government, and law enforcement agencies to help prevent hacking or to track down perpetrators. To get into the field, you'll need more than the hacking skills you tweaked together in your garage. Begin by earning a bachelor's degree in computer science or information technology. You can get additional online college training in network security. The top 50 percent of computer scientists earned between $97,970 and $123,900 in 2007.

RW comments: This is like Ocean's 11 meets Joe Friday. Hacker's are just that Hacker's - there is no Angelina Jolie out there that the government has forced to do good work in order to avoid prison time. Plus Yahoo is trying to get you to go back to school for this - the hackers I know are not "book smart" but they do understand the Internet and it's architecture. Hackers are a special breed, a breed you will not find at ITT Tech or Mutt Lynches (yeah you, drink up butter cup and don't hold your breath for official beer taster on this list).

Pet Psychologist

Don't be so shocked. Even Sparky sometimes needs help to keep from gnawing through the neighbor's bed of prized roses. Once the local vet has ruled out physical ailments that can contribute to rude pet behavior, people who love their animals may need to call in a trained, certified behaviorist or pet psychologist. As with human patients, pets can be analyzed and taught to act contrary to destructive impulses. There are even certified applied animal behaviorists. To get into the field, you'll need a master's or doctorate degree in psychology, preferably with additional work in zoology and animal behavior. Salaries vary greatly by locale, but can be upwards of $90,000 a year.

RW comments: I call this stealing bottom line. Degree, no degree - stealing. The difference between you and a pet psychologist - paying attention and reading. These thieves pay attention to what your pet does and they also read about the personality (in general) that your pet has. Open a book and pay attention... Giving a little love and direction to your pet is always a good way to go as well but what do I know? BTW - if you read this you owe me 90k.

Conservation Consultant

There are companies who are greatly concerned with increasing energy efficiency. And there are those with a conscience, striving to reduce their carbon footprint. When Yahoo! decided to go carbon-neutral by 2007, they hired a director of energy strategy and climate change. Combine your thirst for conservation with an engineering degree to prepare for this thriving field. The U.S. Labor Department predicts a hefty 25 percent increase in environmental engineers during the 2006-2016 decade. In 2007, the top 50 percent earned between $70,000 and $106,000.

RW comments: I love the guy or gal that gets paid 100k a year to tell me not to print my emails. Just kidding. This career choice has potential. The conservation consultant is the new CIO - when information and technology became king companies needed CIO's and CTO's. Now companies want to help mother earth and hence a new job has opened up - CC. They used to be called tree hugging hippies - amazing what happens when IBM decides to hire you, your title changes...

Fashion Consultant/Personal Shopper

Among those who care about their appearance, many are born with amazing taste; some have to work for it. Fashion designers and consultants help those who can afford personal attention to transform their image. You can be the one to consult on hair, makeup, and fashion--and then be the one to take your clients shopping. Get career training through an associates or bachelor's degree program in fashion design. Top earners in the fashion design trades in 2007 took home $121,640 on average.

RW comments: First, they do this for free and Nordstom and any other high end store. Pay some money, tip a worker and they will find the best fit for you, hold the clothes for mail them out for you with a 100% return guarantee. Per the hair, make up and other stuff - go to a salon, pay some money and work with someone who will be honest with you. I can't take this job seriously - I know people that do it and do it well. This is a job because people are lazy, bottom line.... Sorry

Mobile Experience Architect

The cool streaming videos and eye-popping CD covers that get delivered to the screens of millions of cell phones and PDAs each hour are designed to make you spend money. Information architects create the structure and mind-manipulating patterns (site maps) of each mobile delivery. You'll need to learn about marketing, strategy, and user testing through a degree program in computer science, Web design, or business. There's even an IT certification for professional mobile architects. Salaries range into six figures.

RW comments: The mobile world keep creating new jobs and new angles to reach people in order for them to spend money. This sounds like a cool job. I would think that in time ad people will also become IT people bridging the communication gap and creating an advertising architecture that is functional, cool and works.

So get out there and get a new job....