Tapping TARP...

Everyone wants a slice of the 700 billion dollar piece of American pie named TARP. TARP is an acronym for Troubled Asset Relief Program which is the largest part of the United States' so-called “$700 billion bailout plan.”

I think we, and the business owners of America, need to understand the role of TARP and the fact that 700 billion just doesn't go as far as it used too. More importantly, our congressional leaders need to start working...

In an effort to get a slice of the 700 billion dollar pie (what flavor would this pie be - apple perhaps, maybe a peach cobbler.. hmmm??? What ever the flavor it may look good but is leaving a bad taste in the mouth of every American, except those getting the money of course) everyone has their hand out. I am even putting together a proposal called, give to me now please.... I will address my economic stimulus package later.

With one hand, ummmm busy and the other hand on the keyboard or remote control, the porn industry is asking for some Viva Viagra in the form of TARP. According to CNBC's Jane Wells, Hustler's Larry Flynt and "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis are asking for a $5 billion federal bailout of adult entertainment because "the economy has made America's appetite for sex go limp."

More importantly and shockingly, congress is going to hear from Joe Francis.

If there is a group out there that will get 5 billion in Viagra, errr TARP funds, it is the porn industry. Not because they deserve the money but because if we have learned anything from people in power - they have some weird fantasies and love them some prostitutes and porn accounts... And if anyone has dirt on our congressional leaders it is the porn industry. Gary Hart has already cut Joe and Larry a check and Bill Clinton is not far behind (I hear he is just waiting in line at a very busy ATM in Washington).

So lets say the porn industry gets 5 billion. I wonder where the money will be spent????? Perhaps funding remakes of age old pornos from the 60's and 70's - much like what Hollywood has done. Maybe they will take their money to the street like Pacman Jones and make it "rain." There is always the hope that they will spend it on screen writing - creating both an original story and dialogue (I am tired of the cheap Hollywood ripoffs like Jurrasic Pork; Free Willy - wait, that was just a bad movie about a killer whale that was not a killer; Buttman; The O face; etc...). If the porn industry gets 5 billion, I want to see original films with great dialogue and story lines.

In an effort to keep this blog clean lets leave porn and steal from the wrist band craze, "WWJD" - just change Jesus to Jason. While we are at it lets use some TARP money to have the Bare Naked Ladies to re-write their famous song, "If I had million dollars" to "When I get my 5 billion dollars." With Paulson running the program that should only cost us 500 million or so.

Anyways (I am using a lot of the quote symbols in this blog - in my head my hands are up doing air quotes. Very distracting), if, I mean, when I get my 5 billion dollars I will have this economy turned around. A bit of investing and not the maverick investing that got this economy in trouble in the first place, I am all about sound investing - beer, food, people, gym and a lottery - I will give a billion to each. Follow me here...

Beer: Beer is made from hops, barley, hard work and water - i.e. blue collar workers and farmers. So having a beer helps middle America. In order to go get some beers I will need to get myself a cab. In order to have a cab company the driver needs a car - preferably a newer car that does not smell like cigarettes and vomit. That cab can be "green" or run on gas - either way our economy wins (I hope it is green). So by drinking and being responsible I have helped the middle America, farmers, the auto industry as well as macro and micro business (those that make beer and sell beer).

Food: We need to make our food - meat, veggies, buns... It comes from somewhere and that somewhere is farmers and ranchers. People need to serve me food and many of them are in school buying supplies, books and commuting (buying gas and cars - used cars so you can go buy a new car). I will eat out, tip well, drink (hence I will need a cab driver) and share my joy with those around me...

People: We need to invest people. I will have half a billion dedicated to scholarships that will help America stay a global leader. I will have the other half a billion dedicated to charities that help people. Groups like MIKA that build community leaders and teach them how to lead, grow and build communities. We are nothing without great people and hence need to invest in each other with time, money and resources.

The gym: I live in pain - the level of pain varies but I live in pain. I still go to the gym - running, lifting and playing hoops (the main reason why I hurt). But with a billion going to gyms I will help Americana's get in shape and those in pain like me will be able to massages and see doctors about our pain. Furthermore, my gym plan will have well qualified trainers pushing people in the right direction with fitness training and plans on eating right.

The lottery: My final billion will be randomly given away with the contingency that it cannot be taxed. I will travel the US and give it away. I will have a team that will walk and talk with people all over America - from the big cities to the small farm towns writing checks and giving out cash to those in need, to entrepreneurs, small business owners, people in hospital, community groups, etc.

So there it is my plan. Congress, you can give 5 billion to the porn industry in an effort to stop people from playing pool with a garden hose or you can give it to me. I think my plan is better but then again it is my plan...

Infomercials, so amazing... so true...

They make you laugh. They make you buy. They make you look at the world in a different light. They are, the infomercial! The infomercial used to be the bastard child of selling on TV, pushed away into the dark corners of late night TV or Sunday afternoon programming. Most where, and many still are, get rich quick schemes that have you buying a book/CD/DVD that will help you buy real estate. Remember the little people twins that made millions flipping real estate and in turn selling you or someone you know their book on how to buy and sell real estate? They where the pioneers of infomercials - the little engine that could...

Oh how the world has changed. The informercial has moved into main stream media and with this move the infomercial has created stars in both products and spokespeople.

Two keys to a great infomercial are - 1. the quotability factor, i.e. can you the viewer quote and recognize quotes from an infomerical; 2. the ridiculous/random factor, i.e. the crazy crap that comes out of the host or actors mouth.

So today I thought we would take a look at some of the great products and great one or two liners of the infomerical world....

Quotes:

"Made in Germany. You know the German's always make good stuff." - Thanks Vince - ShamWOW!

“You've got a delicious frozen mocha coffee drink...just like the ones you get at the fancy coffee shops.” - Random actor - The Magic Bullet

"Even if you've never threaded a needle, you'll be BeDazzling in minutes. You can BeDazzle a hat, a shirt, a belt, a scarf or a sweater! It's easy. It's fun. It's fabulous!" - Announcer for the Bedazzler

"Relocate furniture, appliances and other items without causing damage to your home or office. Hand trucks beat up stairs leaving scratches, scuffs and dents. Dollies can scrape up floors and they tend to get stuck in thresholds. Forearm Forklift Lifting Straps® rise up over doorsills leaving your home undisturbed." - Announcer for the Forearm Forklift

"Never be with out your polls and don’t worry about space Instant Fisherman fits in any car and nobody will know that all your fishing gear is with you." Announcer for the Instant Fisherman

"Big City Slider Station is the mini burger sensation that's sweeping the nation. You just scoop, press, and cook on ANY stove...and in just minutes you'll have 5 mouth-watering sliders!" - Billy May, the king of infomercials....

"Urine Gone! Eliminates Odors With Enzyme Action! Fast-acting formula removes old and new animal or human urine stains. Detects the undetectable, with stain-identifying black light to check carpets, mattresses, furniture, floors. Attacks urine and organic matter prevents pets from re-marking area." -

"Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside. Snuggie is made with super soft, thick, luxurious fleece with roomy, over sized sleeves that let you do what you want while still being totally wrapped in warmth. Perfect for men, women, and children!"

Pet groomer Don Stone says "This will revolutionize how we do nails in the industry...it's much safer, and it doesn't excite the animals because when you get the trimmers out, they anticipate what's going to happen." Other benefits include knowing your animal can't scratch you or your children and keeping your furniture and good floors scratch-free." - Peticure!

My favorite products of today and yesterday:

The Twin Draft Guard: Twin Draft Guard® Insulating Device works twice as hard as a single sided draft stopper for keeping cold air out of your home. Keep your home warm and reduce your heating bills by placing this draft blocker along the bottom of your doors or windows to prevent cold air from creeping in. Leave your high heating and cooling costs out in the cold with this Twin Draft Guard®!

RW Insights: The commercial for this gem could not have been done on a cheaper budget. Door, old birthday wishes banner cut up and taped to the bottom of the door and a hair dryer... So tacky...

Cleavage Control: Do you wish you could fill out blouses and dresses better? Then you need Cleavage Control Clip! Cleavage Control Clip - By adjusting your bra straps to full length, the Cleavage Control Clip will provide greater lift and support, reduce shoulder indentions and discomfort and eliminate falling bra straps.

RW Insights: Hides bra straps, enhances cleavage, improves your posture and the woman who models for the commercial is a slight Palin look alike... I voted no on Palin and sadly, no on Cleavage Control...

Peticure: Peticure features a built-in nail stabilizer so your pet won't shake during trimming. Peticure As Seen On TV is the quick, easy, and painless way to keep your pet's nails trim and clean. Unlike the traditional pet nail trimmer.

RW Insights: The fine print is key here - "For small cats and dogs under 15 pounds. That is the kicker! There is no way that your Pit Bull, "Love", will let you take the Peticure to him/her rubbing off their long nails...

Silver Sonic: The Bell + Howell Silver Sonic XL has the ability to give you sonic hearing, easily amplifying sounds up to 90 feet away. Never miss out on a conversation, game or TV show ever again!

RW Insights: Restraining order getting you down? Can't get past the fact that you can't hear everything people around you are saying? Don't worry my little Patriot Act in training... This is Echelon for the whacked out neighbor that already looks through your trash and knows ways too much about you... With this is your neighbors ear just change your street sign to Gitmo!

I am going to end this blog with a money maker - if you don't get this the only person you have to blame is yourself....

Talking Lottery Number Picker: Tired of picking losing lotto numbers all the time? Get ready to start picking winners with this amazing Talking Lucky Lottery Number Picker! Whether you play Pick 3, Pick 4, Mega Millions, Powerball, or Hot Lotto, this magical man has your numbers.

RW: Of course the magic man has all the numbers but I prefer the winning numbers. Also, besides Jared before his Subway diet, who gets tired picking losing lotto numbers? Because so many people around you are picking winning numbers??? Come on? Is your therapist telling you that blaming yourself for picking bad numbers is not the way to go and you need an outlet for your failures? Jack Frost and Satan are having a snowball fight in hell right now...

ESPN the OCHO

Tuesday, January 6, 2009
ESPN the OCHO
Dodge Ball, Ping Pong, Badminton, Bowling, Horseshoes, Paintball, Bass Fishing, Chopping Wood, Dogs Running and Swimming - all sports on ESPN and all sports you can do while having an ice cold beer (be careful with the bowling and wood chopping - take it from me and don't ask questions)... Many of the sports listed above have been turned into blockbuster movies and the rest, well the movie ideas have either flopped or the scripts are sitting on an executives desk just waiting to get green lighted (I hang out with some Hollywood people, hence my Hollywood lingo is tight. If you have trouble following the flow go out and get your Hollywood to English dictionary or just watch every VH1 and E! reality show).

That written, there are three sports missing from my list above. Three sports where you can win money. Three sports that are starting to get national acclaim. Three sports that you can practice in bars, at home, even on the beach.... I can see both Vince V., Will F. and John C. R. doing films highlighting these sports on the big screen.... But you don't have to wait for a big screen debute, you can enjoy them today at your local bar, patio or driveway...

America, ESPN the OCHO and everyone else in between - its time; it’s time to embrace these new sports... With thousands of dollars in prize money, gallons of beer to be drank before, during and after - these are THE American sports to take us into the future. These sports are so good and so competitive that they can be featured in both the Winter and Summer Olympics - think Zeus meets Caligula... Sport, competition, beer, passion, money, desire... America has found its new light and the new light has not been lit by a Brady, Kobe of Jeter - this light has been lit by a drunk college kid - a blue collar worker looking for fun - a middle aged banker looking for an escape - a washed up NFL star with great reflexes and bad knees; a passion for competition and beer, a desire to rock, paper and scissor in the safest way possible - with your hands... A desire to throw and drink without the danger of rocks or losing an eye but with the safety of a ping pong ball and cups of beer.... A desire to flip a cup in happiness, not the bird in anger... Ingenuity, passion, desire and sport...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to introduce you to the latest and greatest in sports: Beer Pong, Flip Cup and World RPS (Rock Paper Scissors) Society.

50k, gallons of beer, ping pong balls and people from all around the world - I know you are thinking a communist free China but I say, "no sir" - you are mistaken... Come west, land in Vegas and compete in the World Series of Beer Pong! The World Series of Beer Pong is the largest, longest-running organized beer pong (aka Beirut) tournament in the world, created by beer pong players, for beer pong players. Last years event drew nearly 600 participants from 39 U.S. States and 3 Canadian Provinces, offering the largest payout in beer pong history of $50,000.

Of course every great sport has great team names and the world of Beer Pong is no exception with team names like: Chugsters, We Own Your Face, Horse Gone Ballistic, Team Beat Down, Wet Bandits, Fat and Bald, Stormon Mormons and many more...

Just like any great sport if you are going to follow the sport you have to know more than just team names and drink beer - you are not a savage, you are a fan. So here is the lingo you will need to talk the talk here and abroad:


Blowing: A technique used to keep a ball that is rimming a cup from dropping in the cup. If you blow the ball while it is rimming a cup, the ball will often exit the cup. This technique is sometimes banned or reserved only for girls.

Formation: The arrangement of cups for the game. Examples may include 6-cup, 10-cup, 12-cup, etc. Furthermore, the cups may be spaced, together (touching), or random.

Get Them Back: Used to describe a situation when the game is being played with 2 balls. If a team hits two shots in a row with each of its balls, then they may get to have the balls back in order to have another turn. If a team never misses, it is possible that the other team may never get more than 1 shot.

"Let it ride": Used to describe a way of playing beer pong where you are not allowed to interfere with a ball's chance of hitting a cup. In other words, no blowing and no swatting. As an opposing player, you may interact with a thrown ball only after it is certain that it will not land in a cup.

Not Spaced: A formation of the cups in which, guess what, the cups are not spaced. Instead, they are in a formation in which they are touching each other. Contrast with spaced cups.

Redemption: An opportunity to still be in the game if all of your cups are hit. If the opposing team hits all of your cups, having redemption would give you the opportunity to shoot at your opponents' cups until you miss. If you end up hitting all of the opponents' cups, you have a tie game. A tie game may be resolved in an overtime game, or if the players involved are of the feminine kind, we suggest an all out mud wrestling match may best resolve the issue of a tie game. (Contrast with sudden death).

Reform: Re-arranging the formation of cups. For example, if there are only four cups left, you may arrange them in a diamond. Three may be arranged in a triangle. Some versions of beer pong reform, others don't. Check the House/Night/Game rules, or make them yourself.

Spaced Cups: Cups have space between them. They may be evenly spaced (possibly just enough space to pass a ping pong ball through) or they may be randomly spaced. Contrasted with not spaced.

Sudden Death: The game ends when the last cup is hit, i.e., no redemption. Sudden death may also occur when each member of a team hits a cup in order to finish off the other team's cups. The team would get the balls back, but since there are no longer any cups for them to throw at, the game is over.

Swatting: A technique used to keep an opponent's ball from hitting one of your cups. Essentially, if the ball takes a bounce, you are free to swat it away. This technique if sometimes not allowed.

There you have it.... No go out and challenge yourself and others.... Already on the Beer Pong bandwagon - well then, how about Flip Cup? Yes, you read that correctly - Flip Cup!

To understand Flip Cup is to know the rules, all the rules of Flip Cup:

STANDARD GAME RULES: A standard match consists of anywhere from 4 to 8 players per team. Once you have been placed on a team you cannot switch until after the match is completed. Each team picks a side of the table they want to be on and then each player will fill their cup with a small amount of beer. There is no official amount of beer, but a good rule of thumb is to go up to the first line of your plastic cup if there is any debate.

If 2 cups on opposing sides land at the same time you go to a tie breaker known as JUNGLE RULES (see below). Remember, if 2 cups hit the table at the same time, it is the cup that settles first that wins.

JUNGLE RULES: Jungle Rules is when everyone at the table participates at the same time. The entire table will Gentleman's Start, then everyone will flip. The first team to have every team member flip their cup will win.

POWER FLIP HOUR RULES: Perhaps the most lethal of all the Flip Cup games. With this game you do a power hour (drink one shot of beer every minute for an entire hour) but instead of just drinking the beer, all participants must flip after drinking, much like KOT. The last player to flip must drink an additional shot of beer.

CHEATING: If two hands are used to flip or guide the cup it, is an illegal flip. Only one hand is permitted to make the flip. The non-flipping hand may act strictly as balance assistance for the cup on the edge of the table. Sometimes you are forced to play on tables with "less than ideal" edges, so it is necessary for added support. This in no way is meant to help guide the cup during the flip; just to keep it from falling off of the table. Also the non flipping hand must remain completely still during the flip if it is used for balance assistance. This will eliminate any debate about it being used as a guide. The only time contact with the cups by 2 hands is allowed is to place the cup on the edge or to re-set the cup if a complete flip is not made.

Now that we know the rules, let’s look at the teams: Mother I'd Like to Flip, Flip Over, Bottoms Up, I'm Flipp'n Awesome, Team Best Ever... Great names, great teams, great sport!

There is no special lingo with Flip Cup. Just understand the rule and remember - don't flip and drive...

Drum roll please.... and the third and final sport, a sport so powerful, so impactful that it has solved playground disputes and throw the power of RPS averted nuclear war... The World, The Sport - Rock, Paper, Scissors...

The World RPS Society is dedicated to the promotion of Rock Paper Scissors as a fun and safe way to resolve disputes. We feel that conserving the roots of RPS is essential for the growth and development of the game and the players. The World RPS Society is involved in many areas of the sport, such as; research studies, workshops, tournaments at both local and international levels, book publishing, and much more.

THE WORLD RPS SOCIETY - OFFICIAL ABRIDGED RULES OF PLAY

1.0 The Game is played where the players substitute the three elements of Rock, Paper and Scissors with representative hand signals.

2.0 These hand signals are delivered simultaneously by the players

3.0 The Outcome of play is determined by the following

Rock wins against Scissors,
Scissors wins against Paper
Paper wins against Rock

That's it! You are now ready to play a few games and get the hang of it. Once you are ready you can get into the deeper aspects of the game by reading further.

The World RPS Player's Responsibility Code:

Safety First! Always ensure that all players have removed sharp jewelry and watches.

Ensure agreement, before the first round, on priming conventions (we recommend the standard 3 prime shoot).

Always establish what is to be decided or whether the match is to be played for honor.

Pre-determine the number of rounds required to win the match (remember odd numbers only).

Encourage novice development by explaining blunders in judgment with a mind towards being helpful. Don't berate.

Think twice before using RPS for life-threatening decisions.

Always respect foreign cultures. When abroad consider yourself an ambassador of the World RPS Society.

With all great sports there is an element of strategy and RPS is no exception....

The Avalanche: A subtle, yet aggressive Gambit. It was the first of the Triple Gambits developed in the early 1890s. The Avalanche is a relentless and devastating offensive maneuver, which requires bravado bordering on recklessness to execute. 3 rocks in a row...

The Bureaucrat: Formerly known as Confetti, the deadpan delivery of three successive Papers is the ultimate in passive-aggressive play. 3 papers in a row...

The Crescendo: The slow-building nature of this Gambit makes it a very elegant opening series. The devastating Rock is the coup de grâce that gives the Gambit its name. Paper, scissor, rock

The Dénouement: The Dénouement is the mirror of the Crescendo and uses a cooling-down approach. When used in tandem with the Crescendo the result is often a baffled opponent. Rock, scissor, paper

The Fistfull O' Dollars: This move took the 1967 RPS World Championships by surprise and is arguably still one of the great surprise offensive moves. The rapid switch from offensive to defensive play can force an opponent into a vulnerable spot. Rock, paper, paper

World RPS Society is a bit more refined then the others mentioned including strategy books, a full line of clothing, wall art and screen savers. If you are looking to dive into a sport with all the strategy of the NFL play-offs; the problem solving skills of Aristotle and the fun of a night of dive bar drinking then RPS is for you...

There you have it. Now is your time. These are your sports. This is your calling. Drink, Sport, Be Merry!

09 has so much promise...

So today I was going to write about cell phone companies. The reality is that unless I am locking myself in for another 2 plus year contract, then I cannot get a deal on a phone (yeah I know, I am writing about it - but not as long winded as it could have been, trust me). In our current economic condition everyone is cutting deals - stores are slashing prices, car companies are trying to get us into cars, even if we can't afford them, Geico is saving me money (those eyes with money just stare at me) and yes even gas prices have come down... So what up cell phone makers? I can get a loan modification but I can't get a deal on a Blackberry or Samsung flip phone unless I go through a carrier and sign up with a 2 year contract... I want a new phone but I just can't drop the cash on a cool new phone.... No deals from the people that in the near future will be saying in front of Congress, "we had no idea that cell phone signals can or would give consumers brain cancer... oh, and sorry about killing off the bees, our bad and yes we totally knew about that."

That rant is done, so lets copy, paste and comment from our dear friends at the AP (associated press) who have built for us the best in Bushisims! George Bush, who's motto should be (and written on his shirt, not to be spoken) - "no comment, no microphones."

So here we go with some comments from yours truly...

Number 1 (there are about 20, I have pulled out my top 10): "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?"

RW: A more famous quote, "we don't need no education." Oh yeah, well that is a double negative sir and I say good day! I say good day! We also rarely asked, is our president learning...

Number 2: "It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber."

RW: Bush Sr heard this and recalled comments from a doctor just after his loving wife gave birth, "It would be a mistake for you to allow this child to run an oil company or a baseball team - your dreams should not rest with this boy... And president, well sir let's be real - you just can't polish a turd." Oh if only Bush Sr would have listened...

Number 3: "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

RW: I think the key word is fool, maybe Texas but I am pretty sure it is fool...

Number 4: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

RW: Oh that crazy Bush.... Wait a minute, the economy - Katrina - no Internet gambling - the Patriot Act - TARP... He will stop at nothing to harm our country...

Number 5: "Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."

RW: Thank goodness my dentist still makes me take my pants off when I get my teeth cleaned...

Number 6: "We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job."

RW: I want to more better blog, please share your vision with me...

Number 7: "It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship. After all, 60 years we were at war 60 years ago we were at war."

RW: What is coming to mind???? OH yeah, history and English lessons...

Number 8: "Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die."

RW: This is what happens when you give a president that does not read a DVR and unlimited cable... One episode of Ghost Whisper and he thinks he can talk with the dead. Come on man! Only Reagan, thanks to his star guided psychic could talk to the dead - how else do you think he ran our country?

Number 9: "Thank you, Your Holiness. Awesome speech."

RW: All that is missing is a high 5 and for Bush to scream, "hook'em horns!"

And number 10: "I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office."

RW: We are not safe, not even in the Oval Office. Why did that poor lady have to be kidnapped, why not our president? I really hope Bush starts a blog after he leaves office. Or if we are really lucky he will get a 1/2 hour spot on Fox sharing his insights on the economy, global politics and the importance of educating children...

For the complete list of Bushisms go to the following URL:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090103/ap_on_go_pr_wh/bushisms;_ylt=AnfSnZLRJRaHSO.6caCQhsEDW7oF

Happy Monday and if you can, work a Bushism into a conversation today...