By chance, are you reading this?

Ah the Internet, full of hope, promise and of course a real and honest chance at love...  No, I am not going down the road of Internet dating again (one of my favorite topics for so many reasons), I am going to take you on a journey into the valley of love, innocence and the dream of sparking a "missed connection."

Back in the day I used to work as a bartender with my dear friend Scott (I have not changed his name to protect his innocence).  One of our favorite past times was to read the missed connections section of the local alternative paper, the Willamette Weekly.  It was a compilation of passive aggressive romantic rhetoric that almost ensured that if you where being written about then you where probably being stalked.

So today I wanted to take stroll down memory lane, turning into Crazyville, hosted by Craigslist.com - powered by the unstable lonely lover with a telephoto lens... Welcome to Missed Connections (pray, get on your knees and pray right now that the creepy and off putting romantic dribble that I review today will not be directed to you.... but if for some reason it is, you must email and tell me, it is your duty as an American).

Missed Connection Number 1:  Firefighter:  You and your crew responded to the car accident I got in. Thank you for helping me (well actually the other woman because she was hurt not me) and the nice smiles as you drove away.  I didn't sign the refusal of help form, if you need me to do so just email me and we can meet up or something.

RW comments:  First, w4m, the dreamy firefighter is off saving other lives not trolling the information super highway for other wrecks, errr you and your creepy posting.  Second, where they smiles or was the team of firefighters laughing at you and your friend - I guess we would have to understand what led to the accident (could you have been more vague?).  Third and finally - meet up or something?  What is the something???  And more importantly can you be more specific of the firefighter and the accident - two females, car, one hurt in Southern California... That really defines what happened.  Perhaps the judge should extend the restraining order to all firefighters in the state of CA.

Missed Connection number 2:  Scott Coffman were did you go?:  You changed your number and moved.  Now I can't find you.

RW Comments:  w4m - 32, why do think that is?  Why would our friend Scott Coffman change his number and move without telling you?  More importantly why are you using Craigslist to find Scott?  Why don't you call one of his friends?  Perhaps his old roommate or stop by where he used to work - maybe the judge said you can't do these things.  Either you are the worst Nancy Drew stalking 32 year old woman on the planet or you never really knew Scott, you just hunted him like Bambi's mother - are you sad you missed the kill shot?  Want another chance to take down your buck?  Run Scott, run...

Missed Connection number 3:  White Mazda3, pulling out of Rite Aid on Crown Valley:  You where in a white Mazda3 and were driving out of the Rite Aid parking lot on Crown Valley and Alicia... I was walking out of the nail salon and you looked up at me.  You were super cute... Just wanted to say that:)

xoxo

RW Comments:  Can we all stop with the smiley face icons in emails, text messages and stalking letters on the internet please.  I don't think I need the added emoticon, I get it - you are smiling and I should be smiling as well...  If the smiley face must stay then I demand that someone create an emoticon that is me flipping you, the reader, the bird - i.e. the middle finger.  Just incase the f-bomb that I drop in the middle of my email or text to you is not clear enough, I want the middle finger emoticon.  Sorry a bit side tracked from our missed connection - w4m (Laguna Niguel).  I can't think of one modern romance story that does not start with a woman coming out of a nail salon and end with a guy getting a new prescription at Rite Aid to help relieve the itching and burning sensation he got after following up on his missed connection, via the internet.  Ah, VD infested love - so innocent, so passionate, so disturbing...

A website building up hope and desire - just a few quick words, a general description of a place, car or situation and the dream that he or she will be on the same site on the same day reading through the "Missed Connections" hoping that you had the courage to write something, that you recognized the missed connection as well, that you want to be stalked and you under stand that they want to do the stalking...  Past the email I got from 3 different Nigerian Princes asking me to hold their untold millions in fortune (how did they get my email address?) nothing is more random or has more potential to get you killed in back alley (except for a drug deal gone bad or a mugging) then looking, reading, responding to and meeting up with your "Missed Connection."

Enjoy the weekend - 

She-Male Vets and Feces Throwing Monkeys

Animals, scams, feces and the people that have to managed/patrol this wasteland -

For those readers in Clearwater, FL and anyone who is trafficking monkeys illegally I have a heads up for you... Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay.

My first tip, don't make the monkey mad. My second tip, don't feed the monkey until you catch him, no food - no feces to throw and lets be honest throwing pee is way harder then throwing feces a.k.a the poo, unless the poo is diarrhea - that has to be hard to throw. When we finally lock down the technology to talk to our primate friends I hope to learn the secrets and rationale for throwing poo as well as what to do when your poo runs like a river - how is water based feces thrown???

One day I will ask all the questions Charlton Heston never bothered to ask while he was on the Planet of the Apes. What a waste - on a planet full of talking apes and all he figured out was how to stay alive and not make the apes angry. Randomly, when the apes on the Planet of the Apes where angered they did not throw feces, they shot you dead! A quick prayer for a our friends in FL that the feces throwing monkey does not get his poo covered hands on a gun! Blinded with feces, killed by bullets, all from a monkey...

If you are not in FL or if you just don't have a monkey (that's as un-American as not buying your wife on the Internet or have a labradoodle - writing on not having a monkey, not living in the strip mall, mosquito infested swamp land called FL) don't think that you are in the clear, your not! My friends in NJ have come on some tough times, girfted by a cross dressing veterinarian taking their money and animals....

Police say a New Jersey man posed as a female animal doctor, ran an illegal veterinary practice and set up a phony rescue agency that may have duped pet lovers out of thousands of dollars. Vineland police arrested 26-year-old Daniel C. Tyce on Friday and charged him with practicing medicine without a license. He is being held on $10,000 bail.

First, thanks NJ! Just when I thought FL could not get beat out with their feces throwing angry monkey the NJ drops a cross dressing, grifting, veterinarian bomb! - Yes, that just happened! Second, why was he cross dressing? Part of the disguise perhaps? What ever happened to the idea of a fake mustache, wig, colored contacts, fake glasses or all of the above... But cross dressing - this guy wanted to get caught.

Also, how does this work when he goes to prison. At some point during breakfast, lunch or dinner the question is going to come up, "so what are you in here for?" I don't know that when surrounded by bank robbers, murders, drug dealers, drug traffickers and those in for assault and battery that a cross dressing - grifting - vet is the answer you want to give.... But what do I know, I have never been to prison. Maybe that is the ish in the joint... The joint, what a cool name for prison. Did you spend time in prison, nope, I spent time in the joint.

So what have we learned today? Well, both FL and NJ are dangerous but for different reasons. It is cooler to say the joint then prison. Charlton Heston, while spending time on the Planet of the Apes did not get us any useful information and when the apes get mad the shoot you, they don't throw feces. And, becoming a cross dressing, grifting, vet is not a good career choice....

People do dumb things...

People amaze me on daily basis - TV personalities (the dumb), investors (the incompetent) and law makers (the dumbest) are topping the list today...

Last night I was watching American Idol, doing research for my blog of course. A young and very talented young blind man got his golden ticket to Hollywood. After being escorted out of the room Ryan Seacrest interviewed the young man - nothing truly special about the interview until Ryan made the effort to give the young blind man a High 5. Of all the congratulations, the High 5 is the most complex and requires the simultaneous action of two people making hand to hand contact, and of course this challenge is only intensified when you add in extra challenge of one of the participants being blind! Thanks for not disappointed Ryan.

Number two on my list of dumb things - faking your death. Financial advisor and scam artist (allegedly) Marcus Schrenker watched one to many murder mysteries. As Jane Wells reported yesterday, "Schrenker apparently flew his small plane from Indianapolis south toward the Gulf, when authorities believe he may have tried to fake his own death by claiming problems on board, then ditching the aircraft in mid-air, parachuting to safety. The plane crashed. Schrenker was later seen in northern Alabama but has since disappeared."

Schrenker was found this morning - plan A failed so he jumped to plan B, suicide by cutting his wrists. He was found by US Marshals (great show about tough female US Marshal on USA in the summer - watch it, I am sure they will write a spin off of this for the show), with wrists bleeding (not too badly of course - this guy just can't do anything right and he is just now figuring that out - investments, faking a death, suicide....) and remorse for his actions - still waiting.

Number 3 and the final one on my list... the state of Washington and sex with teachers. There is something in the water or the air or the water in the air (the kids call it rain these days). Another teacher got busted for sleeping with her student. The teacher, Matthew Hirschfelder, was charged with first-degree sexual misconduct with a minor for allegedly having sex with a Hoquiam High School senior in 2006. He challenged a judge's refusal to dismiss his case, arguing the student wasn't a minor because she was 18.

First and foremost, Matthew is a tool and a predator. What where his plans? Prom? Sadie Hawkins? The creepy older guy that will buy beers for all of the senior parties? A nice weekend away?

There are loop holes in the law and then there is common sense.... The state school board has conduct rules and those rules should match the laws on the books so guys and gals cannot and will not get away these actions. Too bad the right hand and left hand did not talk and this guy was allowed to walk... Note to Washington, you lead the way in teacher/student sex scandals, so how about you, the state of Washington, also try to lead the way in rules and legislation that will stop this misconduct. Just a thought.

What are you worth?

Ever wonder what you worth in dollars or trade? If someone where to purchase you where would they buy you? Tiffany's perhaps? Maybe Target? Someone has to help fill the shelves at WalMart, KMart and the Dollar Store - is that you? Maybe you belong on the shelves of the Ted Baker store or perhaps you have been managed well and will don the halls of Nordstrom...

What about a dollar figure? What is your value? A million dollars - think you would make the Bare Naked Ladies remake, "If I had a million dollars." Are you worth more today then you where 5 years ago?

If you ended up at flea market what would someone trade to get you? A bike? Shovel? 12 goats, a mule and a beat up but still running 64 Caddy?

I know, odd questions but there is a method behind my madness. First, it is weird to think of yourself in dollar figures or your value in trade.

Side note and random thought - would it be okay for you to be on the shelves at WalMart if you where the most expensive item there; or would it be better if you where at Neaman Marcus but you where the least expensive item? And lets not forget the outlet stores like TJ Max, Marshalls and the Crack, errr Nordstrom Rack... Someone has to be sold there too...

So yes, disturbing and awkward to think of yourself as a commodity.

So what has brought me to this point? A guy in Greenfield, CA. He sold his under aged daughter for 16k, 100 cases of beer and some frozen meat. This is not a joke from RWN, this is the real deal people... He sold his daughter, not step daughter - and not that selling a step child is okay or that there is a rational argument for selling people married into a family vs. born into a family - I think we can agree that across the board selling people is just wrong.... But there always seems to be a special relationship between a parent and their child, hence the added shock of a father selling his daughter, his flesh and blood....

Interestingly enough, police said they only learned of the deal after the 36-year-old man went to them to get his daughter back because payment wasn't made as promised.

This guy went to the cops to have the slime ball that bought his daughter for a 16k, 100 cases of beer and some frozen meat arrested because he did not pay in full. That means, this guy thought this was legal to sell his daughter... I am blown away...

The man was arrested on the spot for human trafficking...

Per the slime ball that tried to buy the young girl and did not pay in full (I guess the dad did not offer a lay away program) - the police arrested the 18-year-old man on suspicion of statutory rape. Investigators believe the girl went willingly with the man, but she's under California's legal age of consent and can't legally marry. Nor can she be legally be sold to another person, ever!

Police say arranged marriages involving underage girls have become a problem in this small Central Coast farming community.

What is wrong with these people? I have two solutions... 1. Take some of the TARP money and educate these people on arranged marriages and why it is wrong to sell people. 2. I think it is okay to take out the town - drop a couple of bombs and let this town and the people go the way of the Dodo Bird...

What we have learned today -

1. It is not okay to sell people...
2. You are worth more then 16k, 100 cases of beer and some frozen meat
3. It is not okay to sell people...
4. Moving to Greenfield, CA is not a good move
5. It is not okay to sell people...
6. You are good enough, smart enough and yes, people like you so don't sell yourself or other people cause if you sell other people then people won't like you and you will no longer be good enough...

Odd blog today... Don't really know how I feel about it....

Going to the chapel and we're going to get....

Ahhh middle America - where dreams never die, the Hoosiers always win and love knows no bounds.... The latest love story coming out of middle America comes from a Taco Bell in Illinois.

No, not a late night love affair including nachos, a 7 layer burrito, two crunch volcano tacos and a large Pepsi to curb your drunk food cravings... No, a different kind of love was born - a love that is rooted in the bible and in this case, approved of by the mother of the bride.

Last week Paul and Caragh Brooks (They already shared the same last name and no they were not already related.... but man that would have made this blog so money if they where. Not that marrying at a Taco Bell is not money but marrying your cousin or sister at a Taco Bell - that is what dreams are made of) back to the story: the couple made an afternoon of it and tied the knot at Taco Bell.

Could this be a sign that America is in a real depression? I think so.... Well, let's wait on that call, they paid a pretty penny for this thing they are calling a wedding.

Side note: I really hope they post their wedding pictures online that would be the best!

Imagine, the smell of tacos, processed meat, stale cheese, deep fried taco shells and the intoxicating scent of Drakar or Polo Sport from the groom. In between the exchange in vows the background noise emanates with orders both from inside and from the drive through.... Kids scream, mom is crying, an extra value meal is ordered... Love, sour cream and the pungent smell of steak burritos is in the air.... You can't buy memories like this, oh wait - you can and they did...

The couple met on the Internet (shocker I know and if you read my piece on love and the information super highway then you know how much I appreciate this little gem) so you know their love is true, honest, real and spicy - but bland American - Mexican fast food drive through spicy, not real south of the border spicy....

The bride wore a $15 hot pink dress (SICK!) and the entire wedding cost about $200 (for being at Taco Bell that seems really expensive, I mean we have all eaten there and that is just pricey). Several dozen guests looked on as the couple's friend, Ryan Green of Normal, administered the vows while wearing a T-shirt (I wonder what the T-shirt had on it? Maybe a picture of baby Jesus? Perhaps the little dog that used to represent Taco Bell in all of their ads. If the bride and groom where lucky, their minister would have been rocking a WWJD - What Would Jesus Do - T). He was ordained online - and the couple met online. This has an eHarmony commercial written all over it...

My favorite quote from the groom was, "We have the same brain, just in two bodies," Paul Brooks said. "We think alike in virtually every manner. We have the same interests, viewpoints." If you are getting married at a Taco Bell and getting charged 200 bills then it is a given that you are sharing a brain... Wow!

As a side not, Paul proposed on New Year's Eve and, because they like to spend time at the local Taco Bell, they decided to wed there.

Question: who hangs at a Taco Bell? Are the Taco Bells in middle America like Starbucks here on the West Coast? I would think the Taco Bell smell would get into your pours - then again the Taco Bell they got hitched at could be like an amusement park for all I know...

Taco Bell, a marriage, true Internet love... Dreams will never die in middle America!