Relationship advice Friday

I received a ton of emails on my relationship/break-up advice. So lets keep a good thing going - today I am blogging about cheating. My friends at eHow.com dropped some knowledge on how to know if your lady is cheating on you - it's time to rewash this blowhard advice with some real world knowledge.... I wonder if the exotic goat of Canada killed himself because his exotic lady goat friend cheated on him??? Or maybe he ate an aluminum can from China loaded with poison, altering his chemical balance and making him suicidal - I am not giving up on the death of the exotic goat.... His death will not be in vain.

To the list and the rewashing!

WARNING: This is a PG-13 blog... Adult Situations, Adult Language and Adult Themes

1. Be suspicious if she drastically changes her style or her attitude overnight. Whether it is that she starts dressing more sexy, flirts with everybody around or suddenly decides she loves skirts when she hated them before, the changes may indicate that she’s responding to the comments of a lover. A single change alone shouldn't mean anything, but add them up and it can be an indication that she’s cheating.

RW Comments: The worst advice ever! Maybe she is getting all sexy and dressing up to get your attention... Heaven forbid she drops the granny panties for something nice and sexy... Don't jump on the cheating band wagon - instead embrace the change and ask yourself some questions. How are you treating her guy? Are you taking her for granted? Are you ignoring her? Finally, don't add anything up - you can't add. Instead of adding it up you Violent Femme - talk it up. Thank her for getting all sexy. Ask her not to make out with every guy at the bar. Simple stuff kids....

Adult Content: You have been warned.

2. Pay attention to changes in your sex life. Women tend to attach more significance to sex than men, so they may either feel guilty and have less sex with you, or have much more than normal to try and hide the affair. In any case, a sudden and significant change may mean there is a third person affecting your own intimacy.

RW Comments: Once again, don't just look at her changes, look at yours. Per the lack of sex - how are you performing my friend? Are you making it worth her while? Are you being a selfish lover??? Yeah buddy that's right, it's time to look in the mirror and ask some tough questions like - where did all that hair on your back come from and why you should lose the tighty whiteys and maybe spend a couple of days in the gym... You don't have to look great naked, but average naked would be a nice step up.... Per the increase in bedroom fun - why are you complaining? Why is that a problem? Oh thats right, no gym time - can't keep up can you guy... Before you throw her to the wolves and hire Simon and Simon to follow her around check her age (because I know you can't remember it). Women reach their sexual prime in their 30's not their teens like you... I can't believe I am writing this, now is the time to do the math guy and if need be, you can take your shoes off. While the shoes are off, trim those toe nails...

3. Be aware of drastic changes in the way the two of you interact. If she no longer wants to spend time with you, make long-term plans or include you in her decisions, it may be a sign that she’s trying to push you out of her life and make room for somebody else. Acting emotionally distant is also a clue that she may be getting attached to another guy.

RW Comments: Or perhaps, and I am just spit balling here, you don't interact with her. Remember letting her know that poker night with the guys is coming up so she needs to pick up beers and wings at the store is not interaction... Inviting her to play poker or drive you to the bar on Sunday so you can drink and watch football with the guys is also not considered involving her in your life.... I am just saying, you have to continue to make an effort and her being distant could be a lack of effort as you fall into the routine of taking her for granted... Plus late nights at the office with your 21 year old, par time model, intern, secretary doesn't help in the whole - interaction, especially when you come home smelling like Forever 21 and scotch....

4. Ask yourself if there’s something going on if everything is suddenly a secret--where she’s going and with whom and why. A girl who’s cheating will not volunteer information about her schedule, and may even turn defensive if you insist on knowing what she’s doing in her free time. The same is true if she lets you know of her whereabouts at the last minute, when you can no longer participate in the decisions or tag along.

RW Comments: Time to look at the desk calendar guy - so move your cute secretary's butt to the left a bit. Why is she being so secretive? Perhaps a special day is just around the corner - what day could that be??? Perhaps, the day you got married? Maybe the day you proposed? Maybe your birthday you dolt! Women, unlike men remember every day, every moment and plan a surprise for each of them... A surprise means that you will not know about it, hence the secrets. More importantly, she expects you to surprise her back so go back into the mental rolodex and figure out the date and the event surrounding the special date. Good. Now get some flowers, a bottle of wine and a nice card... I recommend keeping the wine and general "I love you" card in the trunk - you can't go wrong with this....

Sorry guys, but let's all be honest here - the cheating signs given above by the so called experts are worthless and without merit. Each can be explained away. Here are the real cheating signs...

1. If you live together or if you are married. Start putting the seat down. Her lover will leave it up... Just don't forget, leave the seat up and then get a divorce because you can't remember to put the seat down.

2. If she comes home late one night and smells like Polo Sport - probably cheating on you or she is hanging out at male strip clubs.... Bad news either way...

3. She suddenly contracts VD - unless you already have the VD, I am going to say she is sleeping around. There is no mention of a miracle VD birth on a woman's genitals in the bible.... Plus that is not a "gift" it a curse....

4. She goes on a business trip - you call her hotel room and a guy answers all out breath and all you hear in the background is her voice yelling hang up, hang up... Not a good sign...

Enjoy your weekend party people.... I will be back on Monday, Funday!

Cover up or mystery?

What if the show Lost merged with Steve Irwin (yes I know he would have to be alive, but I remind you that this is make believe so go with it... Steve is alive and putting his babies in the mouths of alligators and on the backs of wild dingoes) and the show took place in a Canadian Zoo - while we are at it lets add in a dash of CSI. Unlike Lost, a show I do love - a confusing and misguided love, I need mysteries to be solved and hence I need some CSI. After all CSI taught me that crime does not pay. CSI also taught me that my dead skin is every where and based on my dead skin I can be convicted of a crime anywhere, anytime! Travolta is no longer alone, the boy in the bubble now has a buddy - me - and we play chess, checkers and twister... Take that CSI, convict me now - wait you can't.... Still love your show but the view from the bubble makes Katherine's head oblong and huge...

The reason I have brought Steve Irwin back from the dead along with the crew from Lost and the brains from CSI to an Canadian Zoo is because there is something wrong - a cover up of international proportions!

As the AP has so diligently reported several animals have mysteriously died at the Canadian Zoo in Alberta. The AP reported that an elephant calf died of the flu, 41 stingrays died for reasons that have yet to be explained and an exotic goat killed itself (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090120/od_nm/us_goat;_ylt=AlDawreaZlOSxXbYKrDpspXtiBIF - I added in the link because my dear friend Ken wanted to reference my work. My rewashing of the news was no longer good enough for this CSI meets Hardy Boy in training - so Ken, here you go... Enjoy).

Most interesting to me is the exotic goat that killed itself and the crime that needs to be solved by my team of experts. I get it, living in Alberta is not the best place and living in Alberta locked in a cage; well suicide is not an if but a when, especially if you are an exotic goat.

Life as an exotic goat can't be fun. You are the technicolor dream coat of the goat world. You have no other goats to talk with. All the goats make fun of you... And unlike Rudolph, you don't have a red nose to guide the sleigh tonight or any other night - you can't even fly... In fact, when you look in the mirror you don't even see what makes you exotic. At least the mini goat with one horn is called a unicorn. That exotic goat gets to travel the world with a circus of freaks and everyone cheers and jeers for all the animals... You, you my exotic goat friend are stuck in Alberta in a zoo wondering, praying, hoping and begging for the cold embrace of death.

Even with all of that written I don't believe that the exotic goat killed himself. The explanation from the zoo is just off. Per the AP report: "An exotic goat in Canada's Calgary Zoo accidentally hanged itself after it became entangled in a rope and then fell off a log." Is entangled in a rope a fancy way of writing, a zoo keeper came out with a noose, put it around the goats head and then kicked the goat off the log? I am not writing that I can translate Canadian news but I think I can infer....

That brings me back to my team. I need Steve Irwin to talk with the all the animals in the zoo to find out if the exotic goat was suicidal and what the regular goats had been saying about the exotic goat as well as how the exotic goat was treated by the zoo keepers. I need the Lost team to figure out how and why Canada is not our 51st state, why they add an A on the end of everything they say and who put up the funding for a zoo in Alberta, perhaps the people who the build the Lost Island... The CSI I team will go to the crime scene - look at exotic goat dung, the log and the rope used to hang the exotic goat investigating and asking crucial questions like: why is there human skin on the goat rope? How did the exotic goat learn to wrap a rope around its fragile neck? Why was the exotic goat kept in the same cage with lions? All good questions. A great team. And if I get my way, the right team to solve this and the other mysteries taking place at the Alberta Zoo!

Happy Thursday. Check out CSI tonight and give a birthday shout out to our friend and mix master, DJ Jazzy Jeff....

Breakups -

We have all done it - none of us have done it well... Some claim to have a "friendship" after the emotional tsunami but we all know that is a bold faced lie. In every case one person wanted out and one person wanted to continue to wallow in misery... Never, ever, ever, ever have a couple sat down for a hot cup of joe or perhaps a half caf/non caf - sugar free half pump mint - double pump chocolate - non fat milk mocha and then said, "is this working?" - "no?" - "well at least we have our friendship." - "enjoying your java?" - "good talk, good talk."

When in Rome..... don't drink the tap water. Ooops, that is Cabo. When in Rome go see the cool old stuff. When breaking up either follow the so called experts advice or take mine.....

1. Make It Fast

The longer you take to get to the point (whether it's hours or days), the less they will take you seriously. And if you make it look like you're having a hard time going through with the breakup, they will think they can change your feelings or stick around in your life.

RW Comments: First it all depends on who you are dating. Sometimes it works to treat the break up like a band aid (I'm stuck on band aids cause band aids are stuck on me - remember that song?) on a hairy arm - or duct tape across your mouth after you have been abducted by the person you broke up with: rip it off and do it fast. Sure it burns and stings but then it is done. That written - if you are a rookie and breaking up over some java take it slow. You try and go fast and hot java just might get thrown your way. Then you are telling your story about how you took break up advice from Yahoo at the burn unit in Hoag. 2 weeks later your exact situation is an episode on Greys Anatomy.... My advice - play the situation. Fast or slow only you can know - do the math, don't just take blind advice.

2. Be Honest

Don't sugarcoat the situation. If you're seeing someone else, tell them you're seeing someone else. My little sister broke up with a live-in boyfriend because she kissed another guy during a business trip. She told her boyfriend the deal -- it made it more concrete. Avoid cliche's like "I love you, I'm just not in love with you." Guys don't understand this stuff. If you've lost feelings for them, just say it. They can't argue with that. And avoid covering up -- "I just can't be in a relationship right now." Sure you can -- if you were still really into him, you'd be in a relationship with him. Honesty will protect you in the long run, because the truth comes out eventually.

RW Comments: Let's start with this - if you are dating someone and then seeing someone else or living with someone but kissing someone else then you need to go back to your home, your home on whore island.... That is not being honest. Okay.... Honesty is the way to go but know when to hold back. Guy's don't tell her exactly how BIG she got, because the next time you see her she could be 50 LBS lighter but missing a very important fingernail (figure it out). Ladies, you are the worst at being honest - but still you should try it. If we have lost you just tell us the truth - "you never loved me and that you where just hoping that I would see my potential, get rich and take care of you for the rest of your life... That has not happened and you found a sugar daddy on Craigslist." It is all good.

3. Don't Feel Sorry for Anyone

People will beg, cry, get angry, or shower you with guilt. Just keep going, try to ward off your guilt. It's just going to slow you down and prevent you from getting to your objective. And never take someone back, or cancel breaking up because you feel sorry for them. Do you really want to stay with someone you feel sorry for?

RW Comments: First off - your bad for being with a begging, cry baby that acts like a petulant child when they do not get their way. Second, you can take them back - be honest with them; "You made some great points and your argument skills have improved greatly. I look forward to a long and pointless relationship with you."

4. Set Post-Breakup Rules

Let them know the deal: you won't be answering their calls or emails. You won't be accommodating them if they show up at your apartment. Eventually, if they have any personality and independence, they will stop bothering you -- but only if you stick to these rules. If you lay these rules out at the time of breakup, then they can't say: "why are you ignoring my calls?" Don't tell them what they are allowed to do -- they can call you all they want, but if you have stated you won't be answering their calls then you are well within your rights when you don't pick up.

RW Comments: Who are these people dating? Prison pen pals? Are you picking up people out of the psych ward on early release day??? Let's be honest here - there are no post break up rules. The break up always leads to a slip back into a the awkward and hurtful, kind of back together but not really phase where one party tells everyone you are back together and the other party hides the fact that the two of you are together again. This happens 5 to 15 times. Then the hate text, VM and emails go back and forth. Then the cops are called. Then you or the other person moves out. At some point a phone is thrown at your head. Then and only then can you apply some rules because now you have a basis point where rules can be created.

5. Stick With It

The more you take them back, the less seriously they'll take your breakup attempts.

RW Comments: Once again this is not a debate – unless they make an amazing argument and you like loveless and pointless relationships that are dead and lifeless like the an old lady in a home just hoping for boyfriend death to come along and take her; always in the back of her mind wondering, why did I ask to live longer, why? That written, you can and will take them back. Relationships and break ups are like diets and you my friend, you are Oprah. Your ex - your ex is pizza or a glazed donut. Sure you go to the gym, errrr Match.com trolling for that next someone but in the down time you go back to the comfort food and next thing you know you are fat and lazy on a loveless couch covered in protective plastic on a hot day with your gentle pasty white skin stuck to it and all you can think is - rip it off or peel it off...

6. Neutral Site

Never do it at your place. You want to be able to leave on your own time. Neutral places are the easiest locations to make a quick getaway. The longer you've been together, the more likely it is that you'll be required to do it in person.

Breaking up takes strength. I have found that people who can't break up with someone they are no longer into are somewhat weak. Do what you want to do, and don't get swayed by the situation or the other person.

RW Comments: I recommend breaking up at a police station is you are a weak person or if the person you are breaking up with is violent or controlling. I do not recommend breaking up with your significant other at your therapists office unless you think your therapist is willing to date your ex, then you are off free as a bird until you fall back into the relationship (see above and go through the cycle)...

So there you have it and if you are honest with yourself and I know you're not - but if you where you would see that my insights are comments are the real ones....

A historic day...

What an amazing day we have before us. A historic day! So how do you measure this historic day/event? I would recommend calling your bookie and while on hold screaming - "God continue to bless America!"

Side note: quick thanks to Jane Wells at CNBC - watch and learn people, watch and learn. She reported on this betting phenom and I ran with it. Thanks Jane!

That's is correct people and only in America can you place a bet on the inauguration speech that will come from President to be Barack Obama (just a few short hours away). Pull out your wallet, let your fingers do the dialing and enter in your credit card number - while you are listening to the elevator music check out the big bets and the odds my An Irish bookie and odds maker Paddy Power (real name, make fun of him or his name and a guy with a starched white short sleeved button down in a black Cadillac will visit you - break your knees and take your lunch money.)

The best odds on offer for the content of his speech are 8-1 for "Change has come", 10-1 for "Yes We Can" and 12-1 for "Fundamental belief", "As I stand here today", "Defining moment" and "God Bless America".

Just not enough action here for you? I understand. So let’s go BIG or go home with these monster bets. 500-1 for "Always bet on black!" and 250-1 for "Let's get ready to rumble" and "Life is like a box of chocolates," said bookmakers Paddy Power.If Wesley Snipes was still a big action star "Always bet on black" would be a shoe in, but tax evasion and direct to DVD movies that make JCVD look like a modern action hero have but him deep in the recesses of Oprah's eclipse, I mean shadow...No go on rumble, it's not like Bush has been re-elected."Life is a box of chocolates" could be player but let’s remember Obama is a smoker (promises to quit or maybe he already has) - if only smoking was cool...

I know, I know - you are not placing bets or trusting a guy in Ireland named Paddy Powers. No worries - check out US Casino Online.

How many past presidents will Obama reference in his inaugural speech?
Over 4½ 120
Under 4½ 120
(Outside of Bush, how do you measure a half a president)

How many times will Barack Obama refer to God in his inaugural address?
Over 2½ 140
Under 2½ Even
(Same question - half of a God mention)

Will there be precipitation during Barack Obama's inaugural address?
None 3/2
Rain 2/1
Snow 5/4
(What about sleet? Where does sleet fit in?)

Which former president will be mentioned first?
Abraham Lincoln 10/11
George Washington 3/1
Franklin Delano Roosevelt 3/2
(I guess Bush does not count as a president so mentioning him first will not count)

How many times will Bill Clinton's name be mentioned?
Over 2 120
Under 2 120
(I wish Bill's pant suit wife would have made this list - dang!)

Now that you have placed your bets let’s take one more trip down memory lane and look back at some of George Bush's greatest quotes.... We will miss laughing at you George..."Anyone engaging in illegal financial transactions will be caught and persecuted."—Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2008 (Or we could just bail them out with 700 billion dollars)

"Should the Iranian regime—do they have the sovereign right to have civilian nuclear power? So, like, if I were you, that's what I'd ask me. And the answer is, yes, they do."—Speaking to reporters in Washington, D.C., July 2, 2008 (That really happened - and he really ruled the free world.... WOW!)

"Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people."—Charlottesville, Va., July 4, 2008 (That part is true, our nation has more than 300 people)

"Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, 'Vote for me. I'm an agent of change.' In 2004, I said, 'I'm not interested in change --I want to continue as president.' Every candidate has got to say 'change.' That's what the American people expect." —Washington, D.C., March 5, 2008 (At least he was honest...)

"My job is a job to make decisions. I'm a decision -- if the job description were, what do you do -- its decision maker." — Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007 (I think you can get away with this in a place called Tipp City - I am just saying people..)

Have a great Tuesday. Get to a phone and place your bets, then get to a TV and watch history.

Everybody loves a kitten...

Fish and cats - they don't seem to really mix, unless you are PETA. Side note to PETA - cats really like fish, just watch a cat food commercial - loaded with fish! Hence one can only assume that PETA did not consult the fish of the world before they started their new PR campaign, Sea Kittens! Ah, how could you not love a Sea Kitten? More importantly, what is a Sea Kitten?

According to PETA: People don't seem to like fish (not true, I like fish - especially sushi but some cooked fish is good as well). They're slithery and slimy (kind of true but also big, thick and great fighters when you lock a big metal hook in their mouth), and they have eyes on either side of their pointy little heads—which is weird, to say the least. Plus, the small ones nibble at your feet when you're swimming, and the big ones—well, the big ones will bite your face off if Jaws is anything to go by (I don't really know how this paragraph has helped the fish of the world but the PETA PR machine has their ways...). Of course, if you look at it another way, what all this really means is that fish need to fire their PR guy—stat (really? As a PR guy I am offended). Whoever was in charge of creating a positive image for fish needs to go right back to working on the Britney Spears (what does Britney have to do with this, side note - pick a magazine PETA, she is not as crazy as she used to be. Personally I would have gone with Gary Busey but what do I know, I am just a PR guy) account and leave our scaly little friends alone (I don't know that anyone was assigned to creating a positive image for fish nor do I think PETA is the PR company to do it). You've done enough damage, buddy. We've got it from here. And we're going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it's time for a serious image makeover. And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten (I know a guy that uses kittens to fish for sharks.. You hook drive a hook through the skin in their back - where their moms bite them to pick them up - and then you throw the cats in the water behind the boat as you troll for sharks. The kittens splash and cry, a calling card for the sharks. I don't approve but I wanted to make the case that the Sea Kitten name is the Brinks Security answer to saving fish and may actually be the calling card to killing more kittens - killing the angle that everyone loves a kitten. Furthermore, how many kids are going to start throwing their kittens in the water hoping they can swim? There is not a kitten alive that likes water - not one)?

Why did PETA not go the route of Flipper (the PR campaign behind Flipper helped save dolphins globally - take that PETA and please take back your attack on PR people and the outlandish claim that fish hired a PR group/person - furthermore, show me your contract with the fish)? Perhaps the creators of Flipper would not give their rights to PETA - do you want to chill with Flipper or a Sea Kitten? I think we all know - Flipper. Flipper, Flipper - faster the lightening... Also, Flipper saved lives. Can a Sea Kitten really save a life, the simple answer is no! Did Flipper get a Sea Kitten reward after saving a life - fo sho!

PETA also forgot about our dear friend, Willy. Remember the movie, Free Willy. The killer whale was not a killer (great message) - no way, the killer whale was super nice and chill. The kicker was that the killer whale really liked eating Sea Kittens (maybe that is why PETA ducked our dear friend Willy).

Finally PETA what about our little buddy Nemo? We saved Nemo, over and over again.... Where was PETA when Nemo was being saved? Throwing fake blood on people in leather pants probably. Where was PETA when Nemo was lost? Dressing up Pam Anderson in a perverse Anne Geddes photo shoot - naked with cabbage. Cut on a baby but kind of weird on Pam. I can tell you that at the tune of 65 plus million dollars the great movie watching people of the world where there for Nemo...

PETA I now ask of you to remove yourself as the defacto PR leader for fish and turn the reigns over to Disney . With cult classics like Flipper and blockbuster movies like Nemo and Willy - Disney has painted fish in a positive light and helped their cause. The PETA children's book about Sea Kittens (http://www.peta.org/sea_kittens/book.asp) is a nightmare. Nothing like the lovable adventure of saving Nemo... Plus look at what Disney has done for ducks, mice, dogs, birds, cats - pretty much every animal on the planet, even the panda... Walt, kick PETA to the curb, grab your famous rodent, Mickey and create a new campaign that offers a balance. I want to save the whales, bring Nemo home and get a fresh order of yellow tail! That is how I role...

Happy Monday party people...