Learning some smart talk

It's Friday and with Friday comes the weekend - good times, great wine, cold beer and food. Hmmmm, I love food. The weekend is my time to really indulge in booze and food - great bar food like pizza, burgers, nachos, etc. As well as going out to get great food like steaks, seafood, pizza (gourmet of course), pasta, etc. All of it is good and all I think to say is, "Wow, this is great." And the bad stuff, "Man this is awful." Little did I know that I am not doing the food or the American language justice...

Here I thought replaying a Bill Murray classic, "MMMMMM.... MMMMMMMMMM... MMMMMMMMMMMM... MMMMMM." Was good enough, oh no my faithful readers. So I thought I would take the time to let you know the right and wrong way to appreciate food rhetorically.

Rule number 1: bring a pen, paper and a copy of this blog to the dinner table. Sure people are going to make fun of you (for bringing the pen and paper not the blog, that is just smart) but role with it, at the end of the night you will seem smarter and have a more rounded verbal discussion of the dinner you just inhaled. This brings me to a side note - chew your food piggie. You can't do this exercise any justice by inhaling your food. A burnt mouth with some rapid exhales and then 45 minutes of getting the burnt hanging flesh out of your mouth is not the point - we have graduated from all you can eat pizza (that is not true, and you should never graduate from all you can eat pizza but you should only eat the good slices and sometimes that means waiting) shoveling in the hot pie having the smoldering cheese and boiling sauce send you and your mouth to the burn unit on ER. Sure Grey's Anatomy fits better and this will probably be an episode, the show has gone off the reservation - that written, I have made of Grey's twice this month so ER, before you go off the air you get a plug and poke from me. ER - Plug and Poke: that could be the Vivid X Rated Version coming to a DVD soon...

Before you can eat you have to drink. You need to start breaking down tastes, just think about what you're sensing and write it down. Learn from the experts. For instance, I got this gem from the WSJ: "Mother Nature tends to repeat herself in different proportions. Each component has a characteristic taste, and some of them are what we'd say are characterizing components of particular foods. One would be isobutyl methoxypyrazine. That one has been identified as the characteristic component of green bell peppers. There are other components like linalool, which is found in a fairly high level in bergamot, which is used in Earl Grey tea. It's also found in blueberries and contributes to the flowery character of Muscat wine."

Now that we can describe some drinks - to be honest that paragraph was so confusing that I have decided to break it down rewashed style; words and funny stuff after the words that may make you sound smart but will probably just make you look like and feel like an ass.

Epicurean taste, treat: I would use this to describe either pancakes from Ihop or an all natural granola bar from Mothers.

Used in a sentence: "The rooty tooty fresh and fruity stack dances on pallet like an epicurean taste treat."

Heart smart: any crappy or bland food that your doctor or mother recommends.

Used in a sentence: "So you are telling me that a salad with beets and no dressing tastes good and is heart smart, erroneous!"

Artfully: usually used to describe fake fruit or a flower arrangement - don't eat them, they taste horrible and are either poisonous or plastic

Used in a sentence: "The center piece is artfully displayed but should have a sign that states it is not to be eaten or that it has gone bad, it tastes horrible."

Dazzling: This fancy pants word can be used at jazz concerts or to describe freshly fried Chicken Fried Steak.

Used in a sentence: "This fried piece of hammered thin meat looks dazzling, I bet it has something to do with all the grease!"

Fizzy: The way people in trailer parks use a fancy word to describe champagne.

Used in a sentence: "The stuff in this funny glass is fizzy and makes me feel funny."

Scrumptious: This is a fun word used to describe home made hamburgers and tacos from grandma.

Used in a sentence: "Hmmmm grandma, this hamburger helper taco mix is soooooo good it doesn't even need the hamburger!"

Strawberry flavored: I learned this term and the "F" word watching Hells Kitchen - beep all you want Fox, I know what that guy is saying and it is not nice.

Used in a sentence: "These red things from the ground remind me of Strawberry Shortcake, I hope she is doing swell. They seem to be natural, heart healthy and strawberry flavored. That said, I still prefer strawberry flavored Kool-Aid or jam. Plus that stuff doesn't have dirt on it like these strawberry flavored red things,"

Sugary: If you find yourself saying this term a lot this weekend then you have or you are on the short list to get diabetes.

Used in a sentence: "Hey there Wilford Brimley, how are you? I had not idea that actually delivered the finger prickers. So cool. Want a scoop of raw sugar or a Milky Way?"

Have a great weekend and enjoy the new fancy words you learned today. Use them properly and use them well...

What Depression - Recession?

Last year Batman made 400 plus million in 4 weeks - AMAZING. Even more amazing, this was done during a "recession." Random side note - the next closest movie to eclipse the 400 million dollar mark - it took that film over 2 years...

2009 produced big for Hollywood with the first billion-dollar January with an eclectic mix of films including the surprisingly popular "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" (thanks for helping the economy but seriously people - what where you thinking, there are better shows on TV) and the Clint Eastwood drama "Gran Torino" (chiseled, old, dark, hard to understand, no soundtrack - Eastwood at his best... now get off my lawn).

Recession-weary audiences generated an unprecedented $1.03 billion in revenue in a month that is not known for its big box office according to industry experts. That's an increase of nearly 19% from last January's $867.2 million (source - LA Times). And that's not counting popcorn or nachos. If you add in the 9 dollar sodas, 22 dollar popcorn bucket and the not so special nachos at 15 dead white guys and you are probably looking at another 2 billion.... Unless you break the movie theatre law and bring your own stuff in - milk duds, hot tamales, cold beers, etc... Be careful you could go to movie theatre court where interrogations are done by Batman, the prosecution is headed by Perry Mason and the judge is a former Munster...

According to the LA Times: Industry watchers said the unexpectedly strong January, which pushed action film "Taken" to the top this weekend, suggested that movies were benefiting from the economic downturn by providing a relatively cheap escape from the drumbeat of layoffs, bankruptcies and other bad news.

RWC: I guess this person has never "paid" for a movie before. It is 11 bucks here in So Cal per ticket. When you include popcorn, candy and soda it will cost a family of 4 over 100 USD to go see a movie or a little over 50 USD per hour... That is 1000 times more expensive then renting a movie. It is twice as much as bowling and you at least get drink beer while bowling.

All of this makes me wonder - what kind of economic trouble are we in? Sure during the Great Depression movies where big but there where no other outlets - bowling, lawn darts, boccie ball, DVD rentals, Rock Band, Guitar Hero, etc. This furthers my point - we, as a society that is supposed to be on the brink of economic disaster, have found the money and the time to catch a movie at the theatre. I could understand if there was a line at the local dollar theatre but Paul Bart in 3 weeks has cashed in 85 million....

Look at these numbers - the billion spent in one month on movies, the 85 million on a fat mall cop on the big screen and then ask yourself - are you scared based on what the media is telling you or..... are you scared because the reality is that we are in trouble? More then likely it is a bit of both. That written, make a couple of paradigm shifts -

1. Your home is your home - NOT - an investment. If your home was worth a million and is now worth a dollar but you can afford your payments then make them and understand that soon the value of your home will level off and will begin to appreciate. Finally, embrace your HOME, not your investment, but your HOME and the people in it...

2. If we can blow a billion on movies then we can work our way out of this economic funk. Turn off the news and take a real look at your money - what you can afford, what you can't and your economic footprint. Don't hide your head in the sand. Lend a helping hand to those in need. Stay busy. Stay focused. Work hard for yourself, for others and for the good of all.

Be good to yourself, be good to others....

If I had a billion dollars....

First, my favorite new term of endearment - sugar britches! The ladies love it and so do I.

On to more important news. Like broke gutter punks (their name, not mine) on the streets of Portland begging for change after you come out of the store; cities around the US are begging for money. Their cup is empty. Their hands are out. Their requests are off the charts.

Las Vegas, a city that glitters more then Elton John on his new world tour - Glitter Dome with a Snap and Twist, wants $2 million for neon signs. Only 2 million? How will only 2 million in neon stand out in Vegas - a city known for burning out your retinas at 2am. If you are going to ask - don't be a beggar asking for a dime, nickle or just enough for just a bit of food... Go BIG - you are Vegas BABY! Ask for 2 billion in neon. I want to see Las Vegas from Pluto. The only question is - how many people will 2 million or 2 billion in neon employ and for how long?

Boynton Beach, Fla., is looking for $4.5 million for an "eco park" featuring butterfly gardens and gopher tortoises. I am not making that up - that being the gopher tortoise...

From Wikipedia - The gopher tortoises live in the southern United States from California's Mojave desert across to Florida, and in parts of northern Mexico. Gopher tortoises are so named because of their ability to dig large, deep burrows that can be up to 40 feet (12 m) in length and 10 feet (3.0 m) in depth. Their burrows are also used by a number of other species, which is what makes gopher tortoises so important to the ecosystem. Gopher tortoises can grow on average to around a foot long and can weigh around 29 pounds. The gopher tortoise lives in habitats of longleaf pine sandhills, xeric oak hammocks, scrub, pine flatwoods, dry prairies, and coastal dunes. However, the gopher tortoise is now listed as a threatened or endangered species, because of the rapid depletion of their habitat from land development.

With that settled - really Florida? Butterflies and gophers with shells? What about old people and Jeb Bush? What about a museum glorifying the Cocaine Cowboys? What about all of the empty town homes and foreclosed homes? What, what, what.... But no, butterflies and gophers with shells need a home first - GRRRRREEEEAAAAAT!

Chula Vista, Calif., would like $500,000 to create a place for dogs to run off the leash. 500k? It's Chula Vista - how much space to these dogs need? All you need is a fence and some dirt, that is it. You can get 20 square miles of dirt for 50 bucks in Chula Vista so how where is the rest of the money going? I smell even more pork....

In Randolph, Vt., Town Manager Gary Champy says federal money to fix "old and pockmarked" roads in his town would lift the mood of residents, because "they'd feel like the government was working for them." He adds: "This money isn't going to banks."

Thanks for adding that little gem in Mr. Mayor, more officially Town Manager (worst job title ever, next too fluffer)... So happy to know that the money won't be going to the banks. BTW - I would love to see that proposal from a local town manager in his paper hat, just like his days when he was managing a Jack in the Box... "Yeah, I am going to need about 50 million for our local bank. Lending? No. We just want it to have, just to have...." Stupid...

Some other highlights of jobs from our friends at the WSJ -

Location: Austin, Texas
Request: Building a 36-hole disc golf course
Cost: $886,000
New jobs: 4
RWC: A new golf course and only 4 jobs? It will never get done..... Never, ever, ever! I have to say thank you Austin but no...


Location: Boynton Beach, Fla.
Request: Development of an "eco park" with butterfly garden
Cost: $4.5 million
New Jobs: 50
RWC: Yeah sure. 50 jobs is a good start. I wonder how many out of work butterfly net makers will be getting calls as well?


Location: Virginia Beach, Va.
Request: Replacement tennis courts
Cost: $1.8 million
New jobs: 38
RWC: I just started playing tennis so I have to say yes to this. Plus 38 new jobs is great... Way to keep people active and create new jobs... This will save countless health care dollars too..


Location: Shreveport, La.
Request: Purchase of eight police-equipped Harley-Davidson motorcycles
Cost: $150,000
New jobs: 1
RWC: I like that you are buying American but honestly - one job? I am surprised you can create even one job with this purchase... But buying American - I like your style Shrevport...

I still like my request for 5 billion dollars - more fun, more jobs, more beer, more travel and I could help all of these projects.... Not that I would - sorry but I cannot support the 500k dog park or the gopher and butterfly sanctuary...

What would you ask for? How much pork would you like to have the American tax payer chew on?

25 time...

People love it (just look at all your tags on Facebook)..

People are over it (just look at how many people you have tagged that have not done responded with 25 random insights)...

All of that written I have decided to give you, my faithful readers, 25 random insights about myself.... Enjoy!

1. I invented the gloves that allow people to juggle plutonium
2. I am great at carrying heavy and oddly balanced cakes
3. Extra gum sticks to my teeth
4. I am the 5th Jonas Brother
5. I can eat a whole bag of hot Cheetos and not be crazy
6. In Japanese Bug Fighting I always bet on the beetle
7. I believe in heavy air
8. I don't believe in smoke
9. I hold a world record for high score on the game Bubble Breaker
10. I can text faster then a 14 year old British girl
11. I was the first person to invest in Trader Joes
12. I design wrapping paper for Kmart
13. I want to re-name Ethiopia to Yummy Coffee Place
14. V-Neck and I am out.....
15. Trailer Park - not the place, the drink and not just for breakfast anymore
16. Pabstmosa - invented by a boxer, perfect by yours truly
17. I can't double dutch
18. I am a hair model for belly buttons, ankles and toe knuckles
19. I invented the hard shell wrapped in a soft shell taco
20. I watch NCIS
21. I interchange the braille signs on bathrooms
22. Yo-Yo, pretty much a Smothers Brother
23. I was the first English/Irish offensive lineman at BHS
24. I still can't jump rope
25. Now I can finally jump rope, wait... No I can't. I quit

Maybe they are all lies, maybe they are all true, maybe there it is something in the middle... Maybe... Just maybe....

Tough day of blogging...

I am at a loss of what to write today... Stuff has been happening but it seems like old hat. So today you are going to get a first hand look into my mind, how I process and the what I look at when I want to write blog - here it is, in blog form....

Over the weekend a fire station caught fire when the firemen left the station to go put out a fire but forgot to turn their oven off causing their fire station to burn down.... Really guys? I wonder if they will be giving any fire education classes to kids in school? I really hope they aren't... Too little, too eay, too - just too...

Yesterday was Super Bowl Sunday - that was fun. The ads were ok. Pepsi re-branded themselves again - I am more confused then when Coke had 9 different styles of Coke. Let's see, it was classic, new, old, mid life crisis, recently divorced, it won't stain your carpet, diabetes, sponsored by your dentist and the most famous - mom approved mini can. But honestly you can go anywhere and read about the ads from yesterday and YouTube is loaded up with them.

I thought about doing a top 10 list like Letterman. Top 10 worst slogans maybe: U Haul's "Adventures in moving" - that is just bad. That would be like Delta having the slogan, "I hope we get there to." Burger King's "Wake up with the king" - no, you can't make me. Besides that is just creepy. But as you can read I only really got 2. I am sure there are more out there but I am tired and slogans can get boring...

Then I thought, what about the worst cars of all time? What are they? Have I owned any of them? The list included the AMC Pacer, the Chevy Vega, the Ford Bronco II (the role over king), the Pinto and the Fiero (when the vehicle got rear ended the hot engine would go into the gas tank causing an explosion... they do build excitement at Pontiac. That is a 2 for 1 covering a bad slogan and a bad car)

So then what? Well there is one thing on my mind - TV. TV is an interesting sort for me. During these tough economic times filled with lay-offs, cut backs, etc. TV seems to be growing. There are more channels, more shows.... I was watching the Golf Channel this weekend - the channel highlighted 4 new shows: 2 reality, 1 high intensity show where you can learn to be a better golfer from a guy with spiked hair and tattoos - so you know he is good and the other show was a show that covered other shows... I get it, people are home and they need stuff to watch. On the same note, people don't have money so how are they affording cable to watch all of this crap? I am confused - tired, lost and confused...

And since we are on the subject of top 10 lists and TV lets wrap up this lack luster blog with a breakdown of some of the worst TV shows of all time:

The Nanny
Anorexic Fran Drescher whined her way through six seasons of this pointless show. That a wealthy and urbane producer like Max Mayfield, played by Charles Shaughnessy, would have tolerated Fran’s antics for six long years crosses a line better saved for the Twilight Zone. Once they ditched the live audience, the laugh track dominated the show – unfortunately not drowning out the signature Drescher whine. Focus hard enough and you can still hear her laugh in your head...

Joanie Loves Chachi
No amount of little girl crushes on Chachi could help this plot-less spin-off from the wildly successful show Happy Days. Without The Fonz, Richie and the rest of the supporting cast, this show was doomed from day one. You can probably find a box set of this series on the for sale rack at your local Marshals. Happy DVD hunting...

Deep Space Nine
Even convention loving, dress up freaks could not get behind Deep Space Nine - maybe because they all wondered what happened with 1 through 8 or maybe because the cast is stuck in a space station, making it hard to get enough really interesting people, or creepy/sexy aliens, to show up at their doorstep. Unlike Star Trek: The Next Generation, or Voyager, they could not come across new civilizations or discover new planets. Sadly, this interplanetary Holiday Inn Express just could not measure up to the rest of the Star Trek family but it could count higher and the cast, on purely ACT test level, was smarter...

Three’s Company
It was edgy for its time…guys and girls living together, the running gay or straight gag, the sexually frustrated Mrs. Roper. Bad TV - yeah probably. Great theme song - yes, most definitely.... Sing it party people, sing it:

Come and knock on our door..... We've been waiting for you...... Where the kisses are hers and hers and his, Three's company too. Come and dance on on our floor...... Take a step that is new..... We've a loveable space that needs your face, Three's company too. You'll see that life is a frolic and laughter is calling for you...... Down at our rendez-vous, Three's company, too!!!!!!