I am back and talking to the stars...

When you look up to the sky at night what do you see? Stars? UFO's? The mystery of the heavens? Do you hear the X-Files theme song (go ahead - take a break and whistle). The hidden secrets to get into your lovers pants? Yeah, that's right - some experts believe that the stars and that special someone's astrological sign are a clue in how to get them to do the "no pants dance" with you... Or someone like you, but hopefully you unless your moon covers their sun while Venus is watering the Virgo's flower... Then your lover is not in the mood and you are alone drinking in the dark or at a dive bar. Past that, oh so rare occasion, let's look at astrology, sex and rewash it a bit....

As a side note, I went to Wikipedia (the only online resource for all things astrology) and added in the meaning of each sign to give more color and fake relevance...

Before we begin, let's all sing it together - loud and proud... "Feel Like Mak'n Love" - That gem will be stuck in your head all day long, you are welcome.. Time to rewash to a theme song...

ARIES: Aries, the ram, is the first astrological sign. Aries is considered a masculine, positive (extrovert) sign. It is also considered a fire sign, and is one of four cardinal signs. Aries is ruled by the planet Mars.

1. Take a bold approach -- your Ram will appreciate your forwardness.
2. Lay back and enjoy as your Aries lover sweeps you up in a whirlwind of passion.
3. Bask in your Ram's radiance -- they will be the star of your own private show.

RWC: Number 1 and 2 seem to contradict themselves, thanks for confusing me... Should I lay back or be forward? And number 3 - bask in the Ram's radiance, really? Private show? Is my Ram, errr Aries lover, a dancer/hooker with their own traveling back light or a tornado just waiting to take me a way in a whirlwind of power and VD? And why, if I am charming a Ram, not covered in chocolate? Aries, the ram, is ruled by MARS and MARS Inc., makes some great chocolate candy. Overall assessment - LAME advice that contradicts itself. Don't be sad, let's keep gazing...

Star light, star bright how can I get some from a Taurus tonight?

TAURUS: Taurus is considered an earth sign and is one of four fixed signs. Taurus is ruled by the planet Venus (which also rules Libra). The glyph is also the alchemical symbol for rock salt.

1. Cook your Taurus their favorite meal -- complete with candles and sexy music.
2. Cuddle. It's always a favorite with the Bull.
3. Give subtle compliments, and soon your Taurus will be showing you just how satisfying a relationship can be (wink wink).

RWC: Is the wink, wink to win over the Palin crowd? Why does the rock salt get the meal with candles and sexy music? I would think the bull would want to whirlwind you away but no... The bull is a big cuddler according to the way the stars align... I guess you can only try this via the stars, 4 billion light years away. I would not recommend cuddling with a real bull or a man dressed like a bull here on planet earth... BTW, what is sexy music as a bull hears it? Should I wear red on my date with the bull? How does rock salt play into the equation? Should I avoid dressing like a rodeo clown? So many questions - NO answers... The only star I can trust is the sun.... Or can I????

GEMINI: In astrology, Gemini is considered a "masculine", positive (extrovert) sign. It is also considered an air sign, and is one of four mutable signs. Gemini has been closely associated with the planet Mercury and is considered to be ruled by it.

1. Enjoy the game of flirting with your Twins.
2. Be elusive, seductive and always slightly out of reach. A Gemini loves the chase.
3. Stimulate their mind -- and then their body. The Twins can't resist an intelligent lover.

RWC: The Icky Twins are off MTV and I was not cast on the show so I can rule out rule number 1 - furthermore, the definition from my dear friends at Wikipedia talk nothing of a twin... So unless I am dating Cybil or I am a 90 year old perverted corpse living off of boiled eggs and Viagra while sucking the souls out of twins, then I feel that I am out of luck. No part of Gemini screams Prefontaine, the greatest long distance American runner, hence I would not recommend the chase advice - while running after you, your Gemini may just trip over someone else. Even worse, your Gemini may be out of shape and unable to chase you. Stimulate the mind and body - funny how this will only work for the Gemini, I guess the bull and ram are totally morons and only want their body stimulated...

CANCER: Bringing sexy back to Cancer - considered a yin sign or alternatively feminine or negative sign, meaning it is more introverted. It is considered a water sign, and is one of four cardinal signs. Cancer is ruled by the Moon.

1. Plan a quiet evening at home. Staying in has never been so hot!
2. Shower your Crab with kindness -- and prepare for it to come back at you times ten.
3. Be vulnerable and Cancer will show you the way to true emotional security in a relationship.

RWC: Can you believe there are 12 of these - star gazers couldn't go lazy and double up on a month or 2? Oh well, Cancer and dancing between the sheets... If you have a crab or crabs you need to do more than shower, you need to go to the doctor and then tell your Cancer, crabs are not sexy... I cuddle with a bull and be vulnerable with Cancer (crab) - random and bad advice. Don't base your emotional vulnerability on someone’s star sign... Would hate to skip number 1 - sorry to all Cancer's, with this advice your special someone can go cheap on you forever by keeping you at home with frozen pizzas and Blockbuster movies...

The stars at night are big and bright deep in the heart of....

LEO: considered to be a "masculine", positive (extrovert) sign. It is also considered a fire sign and is one of four fixed signs. Leo is ruled by the Sun.

1. Tell your Leo how bright, beautiful and golden they really are.
2. Give your Lion the spotlight. They will share it with you.
3. Be the submissive one. Your Leo will force you to submit to your most delicious fantasies.

RWC: Number 1 - LAME! I get it, play off the whole fire and sun crap, but that is really lame... Has the sun ever shared the spotlight? Nope.com! BTW - neither has a lion. Try and share the spotlight with a lion. The lion is not the great sharer of the jungle, the lion is the king. King's are not known as big sharers... Poor Leo, forced into the S and M role by forcing onto people their own fantasies... Hence, the Leo should probably also be a mind reader - a hybrid mix of psychic friends and a leather hooded lion that knows all... BTW, Leo, call Bruce and let him know - you started the fire - he sings and sings about who didn't start the fire. Maybe now he can sing about who did...

VIRGO: Virgo, Scorpio, Bel Biv Devo - yeah, sing it party people... Never trust a big butt and a smile, that girl (I would add astrology) is poison..... According to the star gazers: Virgo is considered a "feminine", negative (introvert) sign. It is the only sign represented by a female. It is also considered an earth sign and is one of four mutable signs. Virgo is traditionally ruled by the planet Mercury, but Ceres and several other planets have been suggested as the ruler of Virgo by some modern astrologers.

1. Come looking flawless. The perfectionist side of your Virgo will be drawn to your attention to detail.
2. Let them know how impressed you are with their sharp wit and powerful analytic abilities.
3. Compliment their constant drive for perfection, and they'll work hard to show you that drive under the sheets.

RWC: A Leo should hook up with a Virgo so that they can blow sunshine up the Virgo's butt... So unlike all the other star months, the Virgo really likes compliments and well kept people. Good news for the rest of you - get on with being a totally slacker and give up on dressing nice unless you are with a Virgo, it just doesn't matter. Rapping about being a Virgo is more fun, back to Bell Biv Devo.

LIBRA: considered a "masculine", positive (extrovert) sign. It is also considered an air sign and is one of four cardinal signs. Libra is ruled by the planet Venus (which also rules Taurus). It is governed by the 7th House (House of Love & Relationships)

1. Express your interest in fine arts and literature. Your Libra loves music, art and poetry.
2. Ask their opinion about everything. Libra always likes to have an equal say.
3. Indulge your Libra with extravagances and compliments -- and enjoy the adoration and sensuality you're sure to get in return!

RWC: First, I hope that the person that wrote this crap column is not a Libra - really not doing their stars justice. I wish, I wish upon a falling star that a Libra star falls on the person peddling this no pants dance garbage! To the list above: the Libra is a chatty Kathy with an opinion that if complimented will put out, especially if you meet them at a museum or book store. Put that on your Match.com profile Libra's!

SCORPIO: considered a water sign, and is one of four fixed signs. Like the rest of the watery signs, Scorpio is considered a negative, feminine sign, which in Astrology means it is rather introvert.

1. Look as scrumptious as possible. Scorpio appreciates natural sex appeal.
2. Invest in satin sheets and scented candles. Your Scorpio will provide the music and massage. 3. Share all. Your Scorpio will want to know all your hidden desires -- and will fulfill every single one of them.

RWC: A negative, introvert sign that loves natural sex appeal does not seem to be the type that would like satin sheets (have you tried to sleep on satin sheets? makes a slip n' slip seem like sand paper) and artificially scented candles - but what do you I know... Just for safety, prior to getting your sexy on, throw a botox party... I have 4 more of these and I am just getting annoyed... Three lines of crap that could fit anyone while fitting no one.

SAGITTARIUS: No, not the late 60's band lead by Gary Usher... Sagittarius is classed as a positive or masculine, extrovert sign; its element is fire and its quality is mutable. Sagittarius is ruled by the planet Jupiter. Individuals born when the sun was in this sign are considered Sagittarius individuals

1. Be enthusiastic, energetic and ever ready for adventure.
2. Give your Sagittarius emotional and physical freedom -- and in return they'll show you just how good that really makes them feel.
3. Bring a travel kit. Your Sag is sure to whisk you away to an exotic, erotic destination.

RWC: Attention Real Housewives of Orange County - this is your meal ticket. Load up an 8-ball and go for a hike! Don't feel left out Real Housewives of New York and Atlanta - I don't watch your show so I can't throw you under the bus like that. To all Sag's out there - can you explain what emotional freedom is and why you get it while the rest of us are on emotional lock down. Besides crying at puppy chow commercials what else can and should you do to be emotionally free? One other questions to my Sag readers - are fanny packs still okay as part of my travel kit? I do love a nice fake leather fanny pack....

CAPRICORN: considered an earth sign and is one of four cardinal signs. Like the rest of the earth signs, Capricorn is considered a "negative", feminine sign, which in astrology means it is rather introvert. Capricorn is ruled by the planet Saturn.

1. Show up looking exactly like they'd want you to. Appearances mean a lot to this sign.
2. Give them a gift that shows your devotion and your ability to manage your bank account.
3. Be patient. Good things come to those who wait. Really, really good things.

RWC: If I may be so bold as to redefine the above: When dating a Capricorn get ready to be bossed around, that includes what you wear. Be cheap, but make sure the gift you give does not look cheap - buy a name brand item at Marshalls or Nordstrom Rack. Don't forget, all things come to those who wait - like more rules and on how you dress and what you buy... These Capricorn's are a real gem... yippee!

AQUARIUS: "This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius..." Sing it loud and proud... Per the experts, Aquarius is considered a "masculine", positive (extrovert) sign. It is also considered an air sign and is one of four fixed signs. Aquarius has been traditionally ruled by the planet Saturn, and, since its discovery, Uranus has been considered a modern ruler of this sign

1. Surprise them. Give them a Venus Flytrap plant, a hypnotic 3-D poster or a hand-woven Guatemalan sweater.
2. Become intimate with the mind of your Aquarius before their body. They will captivate you mentally and intrigue you completely.
3. Compliment your Aquarian's devotion to ideals. They will show you the value of making the world -- and the bedroom -- a more creative place.

RWC: Or give them the classic, dogs playing poker and then feel a foot kick you in the butt... 3-D poster, really? What is wrong with people? Perhaps the writer of this column should have become intimate with their own mind prior to writing this dribble... The world, the bedroom - both becoming creative... What? Dating an Aquarius is like dating a 60's hippie on an acid trip, super! Sign me up...

PISCES: is considered a water sign, and is one of four mutable signs. Like the rest of the watery signs, Pisces is considered a "negative", feminine sign, which in Astrology means it is rather introvert.

1. Let a dramatic piece of music bring a tear to your eye. Your Pisces will appreciate your sensitivity -- and will kiss your tears away.
2. Communicate a thousand expressions of love -- all without saying a word. Your Pisces will be able to read your soul by looking into your eyes.
3. Show your Pisces that a love story of the classic variety can exist between the two of you today. They will, in turn, show you how this love story sensuously unfolds ...

RWC: Number 12, finally. I don't know about you but when I see someone crying over a song, I think stable and I am totally willing to sleep with them... Note to all Pisces out there - burn all of your Cold Play albums, criers are coming... One more note to my 12th sign friends, if they are looking at you all weird, that means I love you... Don't shoot the messenger, shoot the person that wrote this column... To the person trying to sleep with the Pisces, when choosing a love story, I would recommend avoiding Romeo and Juliet - it doesn't end well.... Neither does Titanic, no matter how dreamy Leo is...

Happy Friday....

Going blank

I can't think of anything to write about - even worse there seems to be great content out there.

A chimp attacked a woman and was gunned down by the cops - that is interesting, right? Maybe. The reason for the attack - the woman had a new hair style.... I would think the reason would be the drugs the chimp was on coupled with the fact that the chimp drank wine with the family... But what do I know... Well I do know that owning a chimp is not a good idea. The strength of a grown man with the mental capacity of a 2 year old... Great combo!

I guy in Australia punched out a shark. A diver was running terrorist drills and a shark attacked him. He fended off the killer with a punch to the nose... BTW - have you punched someone under water? It does not hurt at all - making me wonder, how sensitive is a sharks nose? The diver lived with minor injures to his hand.

Chris Brown is really sorry. I just wonder if he is sorry for his actions or for getting caught and losing all of his endorsement deals, equaling millions of dollars.... Men who hit women are dirt bags... I don't care about your past, what you have seen or what your life was like... You don't hit women, it is simple. Chris, you hit a woman and if we look in your past I am sure we will find other women that you have hit. Use your money and get some help. Use more of your money fund some women's shelters. Use your time and clean up the streets of LA. Use more of your time to talk with young men and boys about how to treat women - do this after counseling and bring an expert with you...

Bored? Out of work? Need something to do? How about turning your old VHS player into a toaster? Why not? How many VHS tapes are your rocking these days? None.com is the simple answer. So let's do it... Let's turn your VHS player into a toaster... I am being a bit liberal with the "lets" and by "let's" I really just mean you...

A bit of CYA: If I thought anyone would attempt this (and they shouldn't) I offer the following warnings: Ensure the metal parts are earthed. Do not place it on heat-sensitive surfaces. Do not place heat-sensitive materials on top of it. Take care not to touch any hot surfaces. Do not leave the machine unattended.

Still interested? Go here and get toasting.... http://www.instructables.com/id/How_to_make_a_VHS_video_toaster/

There you have it - today we covered chimps, sharks, woman beater Chris Brown and how to turn your old VHS player into a toaster....

Putting a bow on this gem: When dealing with chimps keep your old hair cut. When dealing with sharks don't go for the balls, go for the nose. When dealing with Chris Brown make sure he gets help and in turn learns to pass that knowledge on, hitting a woman should NEVER happen. When your toaster breaks, turn to your VHS player for toasted bread relief... Saving you money, saving your life and giving sound advice...

20 million really sad people

It's Monday. The big heart shaped weekend is behind us and I wake up to find out that it does rain in Southern California and even more shocking, 20 million American couples are sexless... Tough economic times mean more times at home and that should mean more time having a good time - naked!

This is such an epidemic that Good Morning America took on this cold and as they call it, taboo subject this morning. Question: What is taboo about a sexless marriage? I can see a lot more taboo in a sex filled marriage, as far as what you can put on TV but a sexless marriage? What is taboo about separate beds and going to bed at 9pm frustrated? Nothing. Depressing - sure. Shocking - yes. Taboo - nope.com.

I watch the show Taboo on National Geographic and this show would not even make their top 1 million. Hence, the advice, the insights, the conversation of the sexless marriage in America needs a rewashing so let's break it down and let's.... (find your inner Salt N' Pepper) Talk about sex baby...

Defining the terms: In a sexless marriage, couples only are sexually intimate 10 or fewer times a year.

RWC: I am no math major (I failed Algebra my first go round and the second time, C -) but according the number of months minus the number of fingers I have, that is less then once a month.

The blame: The cornerstones to a sexless marriage are built on or blamed on kids and stress.

RWC: First, take some responsibility. Instead of having your kids become a part of your life you have become a part of their life and your kids life does not have you knocking the boots. Come on people - you pay the bills, it is your life and you are showing your kids what a healthy marriage looks like and that includes sex. Per stress - have you ever been stressed after having sex? Nope.com! So that is a horrible excuse. When you are stressed you should have sex - let it out married people...

Some insights from a couple that is sexless: "I think the level of importance and appreciation falls off," Jon Nestlerode said in the session. "I think work with Ginny — she can be on the phone till the evening … I know she's not coming to bed for a while." Ginny Nestlerode too complained of her husband's late hours, and said she didn't like the fact that he is often asked to work weekends. She also dislikes the amount of time he spends on his train hobby.

RWC: Train hobby. Let's be honest, we all go into life knowing that the kid/adult with the "train hobby" is not getting an action. And if there is some action is the locomotive going into the tunnel, literally - bad joke, but still funny. To the phone. Clip Chatty Kathy's string train guy and start seducing her while she is on the phone. Grab her caboose (another bad joke but funny), hang up the phone, go cave man style and take her to the bedroom that is ready and waiting for her.

The experts chime in: Experts said couples should be realistic. You might not get back to those hot and heavy, seeing-fireworks days at the beginning of your relationship, but together you can create something that satisfies you both.

RWC: Depressing! Actually if you run the numbers your sex should get better not worse. If you communicate with your significant other then you should know his/her "hot spots" or erogenous zones. Hot and heavy is all about the passion and lust. The real sex, the great sex, comes with understanding and talking with your lover. Knowing him/her and knowing yourself. Better than a CA state issued IOU, you can lock this information down - when you communicate what you like and how you like it in a loving relationship your sex will get better!

ABC News Expert Insight: Also, start dating again. Making special time to reignite your emotional intimacy can get the sparks flying. Take a cooking class together, find a new interest that you can share that requires couple time so you can reconnect.

RWC: Stop with the cooking classes. Get your wife and yourself out of the kitchen. Go for a walk. Go lingerie shopping together. Get a hotel room for the night. Cooking classes and the kitchen will get you in a rut - then you have to clean up - then it's just like any other night. Spice it up! Do something different...

And a final note from the experts: ...put sex on the schedule. When you've had the talk and have come to an agreement about what you both hope for from your sex life, make time for it.

RWC: No, no, no, no!!!!!!!!! Do not put sex on a schedule. Sex is not a job. Sex is not a chore. Hence, don't treat it like one. Look at your wife/husband - grab them and say lets go. Dinner can be reheated. The kids can watch another hour of TV. Life will go on while you get your happy freak on! Make sex fun. Have sex at random times. Make sex a part of your life. But don't make sex an appointment...

I should have wrote this on Wednesday, a.k.a hump day but it needed to happen today. For those married kids that got their sexy on this weekend remember, Monday is not too early to get your sexy on again... So, turn out the lights, light a candle, load up some Barry White and enjoy some very special time with the one you love!