Friday's jobs report

TGIF party people.... It is time to take stock of the week you have had, look at your plans for the weekend ahead and be thankful that you don't have one of these very real jobs.... I know I already let you know about how you could become a Hair Whisperer - but that is part time... And if I know you, and I think I do - you are a gamer. You don't mind the change but you and want and you believe you are ready for a full time gig...

I have 5 really hot jobs (oddly enough not found at Yahoo's jobs section, Hot Jobs) and yes they are hiring.....

Coming at number 1. A job that even Mike Rowe turned his nose up to (this guy has physically bit the balls off of male sheep on camera and still did not want this job. But you are not some high flying celebrity, you are real person ready to do real work). Hazmat diver: You get to swim - freestyle and back stroke - in sewage, real sewage, not fake sewage. If you play your cards right you could land an assignment like this - recently a truck driver crashed, his truck tumbled into a lagoon at a factory pig farm. He drowned. So a hazmat diver (could be you) had to go in and pull the body out of a waste lagoon filled with urine, liquid pig feces and needles.

Poo and waste not for you? Well don't you worry, because job number 2 may be just for you. The snip is hip and not just for the guy down the street. Elephant vasectomist: The elephant is the largest animal on land, so sterilizing this giant creature is a giant job. An elephant's testicle is one foot across and sits behind two inches of skin, four inches of fat and 10 inches of muscle. It is more than just a snip when it comes our peanut eating friends....

So you are not a cutter? Don't feel bad, not everyone can be a big time baller. I feel you, the Hazmat diver job was a bit over the top but you liked their style. Well then maybe you will like job number 3. Garbologist: This is an archaeologist (yes, you will need a piece of paper from a college that says you are smart, or at least tricked them into thinking you are smart) who picks through ancient garbage. You would be the "Naked Archaeologist" of trash. Your tag line, as you hold up some old trash on the History Channel, could be - "petrify this sucka!"

Coming in at number 4 is all about what comes out of the largest animal in the world. It's big, it's round, it's brown and if you where King Kong you would throw it.... Whale-feces researcher: As a Whale-feces researcher you would scoop up whale dung, then dig through it for clues about the whale. Literally dig through the dung, with a flat head shovel. As one of the Hardy Boys of dung what mysteries will you find? Well let me tell you, and get excited because while shoveling through Whale-feces you will be testing for pregnancy, measure hormones and biotoxins and even examine genetics. Whale poo is total tattle tale.

I wanted to close out with a high end, high profile job... Outside of being one of the Corey's drug testers, there is no job more high end than working once every 2 years as an Olympic drug tester: This job, a mix of Peeping Tom - House - Matlock and Law and Order SVU - attempts
to combat the inevitable doping among Olympic athletes trying to cheat their way to a medal (not that someone would use drugs to achieve success, it's not MLB players also participate in the Olympics). As a tester (this is the Peeping Tom - side note: no background check) you get to watch the athletes pee in a cup. Say it with me, "YEAH!" As a bonus, though no cash is involved so it's more like an average Joe bonus, not an AIG bonus, when you catch a doper, both the team and country of origin are mad at you... And you get your picture in the paper with the doped urine!

Dust off that resume and happy job hunting...

American Idol - the drunk edition

When you read, "I love this bar." You either think of your favorite watering hole where you can get a shot at 6am before you head off to work or.... you start singing the Toby Keith's (man with two first names, either a complete tool or a country western star - maybe both?) hit. Now put down your beer (don't want you to spill it on your keyboard) and take the Paula Abdul guided journey through music as we look at some of the best bar songs you can sing along to... Clapping like a walrus begging for fish is not a requirement but encouraged after each song...

Side note: When you go to a bar, especially a small to medium size bar where the juke box is the only form of entertainment (minus the 80 year old woman named Barbie who thinks she still has game) you had better spend your 5 bucks wisely. Personally, I rock the super search and play classic hits like from The Dan Band (explicit lyrics), 80's TV show theme songs, old school country and of Ace of Base... You can't do that. So you need "the" list. You can thank me later or better yet, buy me a beer while you put your arm around me and we sing one of these gems together.

Your sawbuck goes in, the juke lights up - thousands of songs at your fingertips, Paula Abdul on your shoulder slurring her words... You have to pick..... Take a swig of beer start with....

The ACDC hit, You Shook Me All Night Long. Number one among the top ten songs at VH1, this is the first single AC/DC cut with Brian Johnson as their new lead singer after Bon Scott died in February of 1980 of acute alcohol poisoning. The song was a huge success and the guitar work of brothers Angus and Malcolm Young probably had something to do with it, as this song is often ranked within the top 100 guitar solos of all time.

RWC: Random side note, this song is not about shaken baby syndrome. That written, one of the most popular songs to play when you order a Martini James Bond style... Just don't order it James Bond style.

As the crowd is rocking and the bartender is giving you the thumbs up, keep the vibe going with this often forgotten hit - The Steppenwolf masterpiece, Born To Be Wild. Steppenwolf's 1968 release sits at the number one spot for drinking songs at Mediaknows.com. The lyrics of this song introduced the phrase "heavy metal" which went on to become an expression for hard rock. This song was actually the second single released off Steppenwolf's first album. The first single called "Sookie Sookie" turned out to be a bomb.

RWC: Jeremy Piven hates this song because of the level of "heavy metal." Unless your naming a new Hello Kittie doll or trying to call your Yeti home, "Sookie Sookie" should never come out of your mouth...

The power is on, the wolf has the crowd howling... Now the pressure is on sailor. You can't let the kids down but you need to change the tempo, you need an exit strategy. Raise your beer to your buddies (or your pretend buddies, then drink more beer, drowned your sorrows and hope and trust that this amazing set list will land you a buddy) and drop this dime.... Coming in at number 3 - The Garth Brooks classic, I've Got Friends In Low Places. Released in 1990 on Garth Brooks' album No Fences, this song is listed as number one at Drinking Songs for Drunken Sailors. In an interview, Garth tells fans that "Friends in Low Places" was the last demo session he ever did as a singer. After the session, the chorus kept running through his head for the next two weeks. He asked for permission to hold on to the song because his first album was just being released. The producers had the faith in him to say yes and the rest is history.

RWC: Anytime you can get a song that everyone will sing along too and as a bonus is also the theme song to McHales Navy - that spells winner my friends. Just watch out for the drunk sailors... You may not have any buddies but you may still leave with a date.

Everyone is singing but not everyone is happy. The bartender is not there to sing, the bartender is there to pour swill. Give a wink and an awkward thumbs up, then hit the "super search" button and play number 4. A hat tipping, big drinking song by my friend and yours, George Thorogood with his classic, One Bourbon, One Scotch and One Beer. Recorded in 1977, this bluesy tune talks about things people down on their luck can relate too, like telling the landlady he lost his job and that he doesn't have the rent money. It was Thorogood's first big hit which became known as one of the best songs in the early 1980s, due in large part to his loud, simple, and direct blues-rock guitar licks.

RWC: This song is a big hit in drunk tanks, on celebrity rehab and in Vegas while people lose their rent checks playing 3 card poker. Next to the song (don't you dare play it) tequila, no song makes more people puke...

Songs on the juke are no longer .25 cents so 5 usually gets you 5. You've rocked the house, you've embraced other singers, you've mellowed the crew out and got everyone drinking... Now it's time to leave the stage. Make your closing note a lasting one. You could go American Pie and linger away into the scent of beer, peanuts, scotch and barf or you could go classy and be often copied but never duplicated. Be John Cusak and make a mix tape that will have people praising your name and having women wonder - what's on his iPod. You have been the man, so close out strong and comforting with the UB40 teeth stained hit, Red, Red, Wine. UB40 was a pop-reggae band that formed in a welfare line in 1978 and took its name from a British unemployment benefit form. In 1983, the Labour of Love album was the first of the group's releases to reach American charts and this song hit number one in the U.K.

RWC: Play the song but don't mix beer, Bourbon, scotch and red wine. Your dentist may say it is a good thing but your liver will hate you All Night Long (Lionel Richie - dropping it. You are still not good enough to play this or Dancing On The Ceiling but when you hear them look for me, I'm Gonna Be There - yes I will reference that)...

Print, fold, wallet, bar, beers, juke - play them!

People actually did this...

Fake right, fake left.... Fake name?

Police are seeking a woman they said used a false identity to get breast implants and liposuction, then skipped town. Huntington Beach police said Monday that a 30-year-old woman opened a line of credit in someone else's name in September 2008 and had the procedures worth more than $12,000 performed at the Pacific Center For Plastic Surgery.

RWC: she used fake identification to get something fake, well to be technical - something’s fake, bam! Two negatives make a positive (I paid attention in math class). Do three fakes make something real? I really wish I could come up with a joke that had both the stolen credit and liposuction... I will think of one on my way home today and curse... Suck it, next story....

Fake paper, fake claims.... Real piggie?

An ex-New York state trooper has admitted in court that he issued fake traffic tickets to a man he'd argued with. Lester Hooper pleaded guilty Tuesday in White Plains court to one count of official misconduct. As part of the plea deal, he resigned. He'd been on paid suspension since his July 1 arrest. The 36-year-old will serve three year's probation and pay $600 restitution to the Brooklyn man he targeted. He previously said the dispute involved contact between the ticketed man and Hooper's wife.

RWC: This could be funny if Seth Rogan was the cop and the guy getting the ticket was Sam Jackson.... Add in some Pineapple Express and leave out the Lake View Terrace and I smell a winner. Who should play the wife? Hi-Five yourself if you are thinking what I am thinking - Sharon Stone, the greatest comedic actress of your time.... Howl and the moon it's Tuesday

First China came to the US and said they could make condoms cheaper and better then US manufactures with the promise of no mercury or lead poisoning... And the bonus of thinner. Plus who doesn't want condoms made in a country that has 3 billion people???? If not condoms, how about the pill - not for you, for gerbils.... Gerbils can’t put condoms on silly… Would putting condoms on happy gerbils be a better job than being a hair whisperer? To the news…

Forestry officials in far western China have resorted to scattering abortion pills near gerbil burrows in a bid to halt a rodent plague threatening the desert region's fragile ecosystem, state media said Wednesday. The pellets, which resemble bran feed, have "little effect on other animals," but can prevent pregnancy in gerbils and also induce abortion in already pregnant females, the official Xinhua News Agency said.

Contraceptive pellets have been mixed into bird feed in St. Paul, Minnesota to help rein in that city's pigeon population and officials in Los Angeles have used contraceptive injections on squirrels. Animal rights groups often support contraception as a humane alternative to killing animals deemed pests.

RWC: We know what the catholic church thinks about abortion pills as the pills pertain to people but what about animals? I also wonder, how many times where city officials in Minnesota (say it like they say it, all weird and awkward - drag that O) deuced on by the rats of the sky before they decided that giving them the pill was the way to go? I am also impressed with their means to control their pigeon population, I would have thought the court house would have just passed out 20 gauge shot guns with a 2 dollar pay out on any and all dead pigeons you bring in.... Bonus - kill 20 and keep the shot gun... And don't forget 2 for Tuesday, get paid twice on one bird! I have a ton of jokes as it pertains to LA injecting squirrels but they are all dirty.... Just a squirrel trying to get a (fill in the blank and then laugh)....

Get over the hump with a laugh...

The jobs report

First and foremost - thanks to Kevin and Bean at KROQ. This morning they did an odd jobs report and this one topped the list.... Plus, it pays 25 per hour.....

What job will pay you 25 per hour without any previous experience and no college education? How about becoming a Hair Whisperer!

If you have a weak stomach just click on one of my adds and get out of here. If not, put on your gloves, open up your wallet and get ready to get paid sucka!

The Hair Whisperers™ are a lice removal service that come to your home and performs a professional lice removal service that entails manually pulling out all visible head lice, nits and eggs.

RWC: I love that Hair Whisperers is TM'ed - classic. Green eggs and ham can suck it! I want curly hair, head life, nits and a side of eggs....

Our lice removal company consists of moms and former teachers who can sympathize with parents and their children, having all experienced the joy of lice ourselves!

RWC: The joy of lice? I know you can turn a lemon into lemonade but lice into joy of lice - nope.com! Nothing about lice is joy - Head lice are tiny 2-4 mm wingless insects. They cannot fly or jump, but they can crawl./ 24 hours after mating, female head lice lays her eggs (nits) on the hair shaft about ¼ inch away from the scalp, although they can be found anywhere on the scalp. Let's go back to the original answer - nope.com! NoJoyHere.org

Back to the company - Hair Whisperers.

The HW ask the tough questions like, "Why Not Shampoo?" - Over-the-counter shampoos containing peremthrin may kill live lice, but not always. Strains of peremthrin-resistant lice are becoming more and more common. Children under the age of two, people with asthma, allergies, seizures, pregnant and breastfeeding women should consult their physician before applying these shampoos.

What about a guarantee?

The Hair Whisperers™ guarantee our work for 14 days. If you are checked and do not have lice on the second visit, we guarantee our work for 14 days from the second visit. If your child has been found to have lice during that time, we will come out for free. You must have proof of lice, such as the hair with the egg on it, or the bug in a bag.

If you still have lice or eggs on the second visit you must make a follow up appointment, from which time the work will be guaranteed for 14 days.

Still interested? Still want to play adult monkey around a kid without the mess of throwing poo?

The Hair Whisperers™ needs help! We are looking for people on the West Side of Los Angeles, the South Bay, or Orange County to work after 3 pm and on weekends. It's a great part time job with flexibility and fabulous hourly pay. Please email amyg@hairwhisperers.com for more info.
These shampoos do not kill eggs under the age of four days, so manual removal is still the most important step in eradicating all lice.

There you have it... Finally someone is hiring!

Vegas only made me stronger

What does not kill you will make you stronger - I was only there for 5 days but they where the longest 5 days of my life starting with the drive there... After being gone for 5 days it's time to rewash my trip to Vegas...

Day 1: The 7ft Yeti and I hoped into my MINI Cooper and headed to Vegas... We decided to go an alternative way, sure it was longer but the unknown fun factor called us and we answered... Oh what a dirty mistress that unknown fun factor was - a long 2 lane road, empty, bumpy, lonely..... We stopped at the Vidal junction where the economic hard times have trickled down to bathroom use, it was a dollar to use the comforts of their restroom.... included in your dollar purchase was single ply toilet paper.... After 9 hours of driving we made it to Vegas and like a miracle from above, the MINI still has a 1/4 tank of gas... Our host took us to the new Casino M for dinner and drinks.... It was a great way to end the day, we all knew that 6am would be calling so we closed out our night early in March Madness anticipation...

Day 2: 6am came early for the Yeti (a known Unicorn hunter in the mystical world and the jungles of Peru), Thumb Breaker and myself but we rallied up, got a cab and went to meet the Yoda of March Madness in Vegas - Stallion King.... The king has been doing Vegas during the tournament for 20 years and this year on day 1 of the tournament he decided to take us under his wing... Table, cold beers, gambling sheets, t-shirts and cold beers surrounded us. From 8am until 2pm hoops, over under and half time odds dominated our time in Vegas.... The Yeti got hungry and it was time for a new casino. We bid the Stallion King farewell and hit up NY, NY... Lunch, table madness and hoops dominated our time at NY, NY.... My brother called around 6 with great news - VIP table and a free bottle at Mix. Done and Done! We met up Edward Scissor hands (one of the premier stylists in Vegas) at the Burger Bar for 18 dollar hamburgers and beers... Then the club... We got a great service, a great view of Vegas and had an amazing time... We won money on Day 2 and acquired a pink gorilla suit (it's for sale if you are interested). At 5am it was time to go home, shower, change and get ready for another day of hoops!

Day 3: Friday we where joined by the New Leaf.... Our day was spent at the M Casino eating, drinking Trailer Park Ice Teas and watching hoops. The M launched a new betting technology and we launched a level of how to win and lose money... More importantly 4 friends had a great time watching the games, playing at the tables and chatting it up.... Friday ended with a BANG! It can be described with runway models, the upstairs club at M, a house fire (we did not start the fire Mr. Joel) and a trip back to the New Leaf's house at the crack of dawn...

Day 4: Ahhhh Saturday. Open air malls, tons of people, great hoops games and a trip to Diablo! Mexican food (get the steak burrito), fun people, party atmosphere and one, if not the best day of hoops. We topped off a great day of brotherly love and hoops with some quality time at Waisted Space in the Hard Rock (get there, preferably now!). Rocco, VIP host, offered us a sweet deal on a table but Thumb Breaker and the Yeti wanted to dance Kevin Bacon style - yes they went Footloose and throw back double tall Captain N' Cokes. In a matter of no time we had a crowd of people around us, the music was making our ears bleed and Thumb Breaker was dancing, and not like a star - nope.com like a Kevin Bacon possessed stud! At 3am it was time to get home - at 9am the Yeti and I had to come back to the OC.

Ace was with us...

No Unicorns where hurt in the making of our weekend...

Secrets will stay locked in the vault...

Evan died....

Lessons where learned...

Turning leaves proved their way....

The MINI proved her way...

Vegas got her money....

We, we got our memories....

All of us laughed, smiled and remembered why we are brothers...