How big is your trunk?

It's Friday - TGIF party people. With the Easter weekend upon real news is slow giving me time to read the fake news, i.e. the off beat news.

The first story that caught my attention was about a woman that won 25k for counting jelly beans. Who wins that contest? The correct answer is, well she does. But I never do. My excitement for the story was short lived, plus the Polish caught my attention.... I wish the wasn't true but it...

A Polish politician has criticised his local zoo for acquiring a "gay" elephant named Ninio who prefers male companions and will probably not procreate, local media reported on Friday.

Maybe Ninio really likes to talk sports. All the "girl" elephants in that zoo maybe whores just using him for his trunk, while the guy elephants are happy to sit back and chat about the Masters or the NBA finals... So quick to judge. Ninio is not a piece of meat, he is a good elephant who needs more than a simple vagina - he needs romance, conversation and some guy time.

To make it worse everyone is just assuming Ninio is gay... "We were supposed to have a herd, but as Ninio prefers male friends over females how will he produce offspring?" said Grzes, who is from the right-wing opposition Law and Justice party.

Grzes can suck it! He might want to learn a little bit about elephants before he goes calling one gay - not that there is anything wrong with that.... A simple search, "sex and elephants" had see some images I will never be able to erase from my brain and the some crucial information about the 10 year old Polish Elephant Ninio; he may be too young to decide whether he prefers males or females as elephants only reach sexual maturity at 14.

From sexually confused politicians and polish elephants that just aren't read to commit to horny chimps.

The single lady that is actively dating may get offended at dates who expect a little something extra after they buy a steak dinner, but for chimpanzees, the exchange is expected, German researchers reported on Tuesday (mind you these may be the same German researchers that said blonde's would be extinct in 200 years so take this for what it worth - a good laugh and the understanding that if you can't score with your date from Match.com you may want to bring some steak and candy to the zoo).

"The meat for-sex hypothesis is a plausible explanation for male-female meat sharing in this species, as chimpanzees are highly promiscuous, they have a certain degree of female choice and hunters can usually control the sharing of their catch," they wrote in their report...

When you woke up did you think you would read the line, "the meat for-sex hypothesis" - nope.com! I get that chimps like to do the thing that goes bump in the night... Males are also chronic masturbaters and the both sexes love to throw poo...

The most disturbing aspect of this study? The Germans, inventors of the Sham Wow, believe this will translate to male - female relationships... To quote the experts, "These findings are bound to have an impact on our current knowledge about relationships between men and women; and similar studies will determine if the direct nutritional benefits that women receive from hunters in human hunter-gatherer societies could also be driving the relationship between reproductive success and good hunting skills."

I wonder if this will translate to alleged gay elephants giving peanuts to male friends?

TGIF party people....

Fool me once.... Fool me twice.... Bush!

High School Musical has nothing on the couple below.... Bleached blonde hair - his not hers... Crimped hair - hers not his.... Spray tan - both of them.... Shirtless, pregnant and oddly enough her very tight jeans are undone (could have led to the bun in the oven).... But most impressive - this is their senior prom picture! Welcome to Awesomeville! Yes he is the mayor and prom king!

Sorry today's blog will delve into some of the most outrageous urban myths - the randomness above, well it was just so awesome that I had to show you.... Plus I got to throw in a shout out to my favorite Ville - Awesomeville!

Let's keep the theme alive and start off with an urban myth about kids and having kids in a nuclear age... Cabbage Patch Kids.

Cabbage Patch Kids are - start the cheer with me U-G-L-Y they don't have an alibi, they are ugly. Why make a child’s doll so…ugly? Perhaps a conspiracy that will prepare us for the future.... Hmmmm? According to some, YES! bulbous cheeks, small eyes and in the 80's kids begging for them.... The crack cocaine of dolls and the name of a dance only pretty and rhythmic people can do...

So the urban myth story goes that the Reagan, after praying to the stars with his psychic friend - paid for with US tax dollars, told his administration to create a line of dolls that would resemble humans after a nuclear attack, so that people got used to the image and were not completely put off reproducing with each other. A noble contribution to the survival of the human race... Plus with Nancy running around telling everyone to just say "No" well the hallucinogenic win of drugs was gone - couple that with the church telling people that sex is bad and you get..... Cabbage Patch Kids! Oh, and the hit movie - Red Dawn...

What company has a addictive chemical in its chicken that makes you crave for it nightly? If you said Popeye’s then you are dumb and wrong... If you said, Kentucky Fried Chicken along with the Colonel and his weeeeeeeeee beady eyes then give yourself a pat on the back. And the urban myth is....

In 1991 Kentucky Fried Chicken officially changed their name to KFC - with our education system going downhill people just can't read so KFC is way easier (my personal on the spot urban myth - suck it). Many professed that KFC had been forced by the government to stop using the word chicken. Why? Because the animals they reared in thousands of dark, cramped sheds across the country had been genetically manipulated to the extent that they were no longer the same species.

The Colonel's home fried scientists had created Evil Mutant Chickens with no feathers, no beaks, no feet and hardly even any bone to support them – making them much easier to prepare to eat and no pecking or scratching – big thinkers at the KFC chicken ranch (not like the Nevada Bunny Ranch Brothel – let’s not confuse sex and fried chicken)! This is about the desire to breed and design a pure fried meat harvest. Most had at least six (footless) legs/wings (yet chop shops like Wing Nuts ducked this controversy, must have had a better PR person) – and all 6, guaranteed to be finger licking good!

Bleach aside a segment of our global society will be extinct soon and PETA is doing nothing about it! Soon everyone will have been on a 747 and no one will have been on a blonde. Coming in as the final most outrageous myth - Blondes are facing extinction! Oddly enough, dumbness and fake breasts are not... Back to the urban myth....

Some vague and un-named ‘researchers in Germany’ - after celebrating the creation of the Sham Wow - predicted the disappearance of blondes within 200 years! Come on Germany, what?!?!? Since the blonde allele is recessive in hair color and brain function, it is claimed to be slowly decreasing in prevalence. So was Darwin right? Nope.com!

While increased mixing of races will indeed lead to less blonde people (but still more and more blonde jokes), simple mixing is not going to drive the blonde gene to extinction. Without any selection pressure there is no reason for the blonde allele to be lost but it would make complete sense, and so while we may be seeing less blonde people they’re pretty certain to be popping up all over the place for some time to come.

That written, I think we need to start a special blonde breeding program to ensure they don't go the way of the Dodo bird... Oh wait, that already exists, it's called Match.com

Let threedom ring!

Mom's come in all shapes and sizes.... Nothing makes this statement more true than MomLogic.com. Don't let the companies boiler plate below fool you - this is all wrong! But like a traffic accident on a freeway in LA - you have to stop and look...

MomLogic.com - Momlogic is the ultimate destination for Moms who want to know a little bit about a lot of things, but have very little time. We understand the challenges of keeping up with your family, your home, your world ... never mind finding time for yourself. At momlogic, we believe that being a mother is not an exact science, but a perfectly imperfect experience.

My imperfect experience at MomLogic.com started in the love and sex section. Here are three featured articles... I so wish this wasn't true...

Coming in at number 1: Sexting!

From the author: Lately, it seems like every other day I hear about another teen getting in trouble for "sexting." I certainly don't condone teens doing this ... but was intrigued by the word "sexting." Sounds like something I could definitely get behind! So this weekend, I decided to "sext" my husband with a racy text message. He texted right back ... he was definitely turned on!

Sexting didn't get you? Check out number 2: Spanking....

The article opens up with - Scientists have found that spanking your man can actually boost your bond. After spanking, the study found that couples reported increases in relationship closeness. As a professional dominatrix, that didn't surprise me a bit.

All of this is surprising me and nothing, I mean nothing surprised me more then this bit of new from MomLogic.com... Coming in at number 3 and no this is not a joke (I am hesitant to even put this on the list but I have to.... You can't make stuff like this up. Okay here goes): My Teenage Vagina (yes that just happened...)

The article opens up with - One mom gets vaginal reconstruction surgery and feels like a virtual born-again virgin! The writer continues with.... I just recently picked up a new vagina. It's brand new, shiny, and never been tested by man. You think I'm kidding, but its true: One week ago today, along with other repair surgeries, I had a vaginal reconstruction. I'm 37, but in more ways than one I feel like a new woman, a virtual born-again virgin.

I cruised by the spanking. I ignored the sexting... But the new vagina - we have to stop here. The author addressed her need for a new vagina - if you could see my face. Discomfort and laughter never went so well together... To her "reasons" for getting a new va jay jay... "My problem areas were things like Yoga classes, where in candlestick position my hoo-hoo would bellow and squeak, and the instructor would state, "whomever is playing the blue whale CD, could we please just listen to my Tibetan bowls instead." Also, I could eject a tampon 10 feet during a sneeze, a skill only useful in Dutch porn movies. Although these were isolated incidents, I was self-conscious at these times and no amount of Kegels would free me from the social pain of having queef-itis. Support groups, although loud and disruptive, offered some relief."

I can read the humor in the rhetoric above but that does not make it any less disturbing. Dutch porn - really? Queefing? This woman writes as though her hoo - hoo was a wind tunnel and her last child walked out while tagging the wall with, "I was here" for the next kid that strolls on out...

I really wanted to leave MomLogic.com all together but just couldn't do it... So I went to a different section - Health. Seems safe and mom centric... There it was, in my face - mixed in with the dangers of expired pancake mix and circumcisions preventing STD's (a mom concern?) the new vagina article!

I had to find something else... Something to redeem the fact that I read about a woman getting a vagina... Then I found it in the fashion section of MomLogic.com - no not the Jessica Simpson mom jeans..... Think warmer.... The mom and baby snuggie!

Actually, it's called the Peekaru, which we're assuming is a derivative of peekaboo, and it's a baby carrier-slash-vest. Just as the Snuggie has holes in the blanket for your hands, this one's got a hole for you little one's head to poke out like you are giving birth via your chest...

MomLogic.com - nothing to do with moms. Everything to do with disturbing... I am off to take a hot shower and then hit my head against the wall in an effort to forget everything I have blogged about today....

Don't quote me....

Random quotes from movies tied together to create a conversation between Ace and Bob, that will make no sense. It is a dream of mine - along with winning the lottery. One dream at a time people...

Ace: Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked, in the head, by an iron boot? Of course you don't--no one does--that never happens. (Airplane)

Bob: What a pisser. (Airplane)

Ace: I used to be able to read lips: "Hello, Mike, I hear you lost your penis." "Oh, yes. Yes, I did. Have you seen it?" "Yes, I believe I saw it with the cocktail wieners." "Oh, thank you very much. I better go look in the kitchen then." Or, words to that effect. (Armed and Dangerous)

Bob: You couldn't be that stupid. (Airplane)

Ace: Oh, I don't know. I think I could be. (Airplane)

Bob: I think if I really apply myself I could be a totally changed person by the time we finish lunch. (Bachelor Party)

Ace: Medically speaking (Bachelor Party)? You're a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie. What would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen (Breakfast Club)?

Bob: Excuse me for being a virgin. I'm sorry. (Breakfast Club)

Ace: A flute with no holes is not a flute. And, a doughnut with no hole is a Danish. (Caddyshack)

Bob: A person should not believe in an "-ism," he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." (Ferris Bueller's Day Off)

Ace: Yankee Doodle Floppy Disk, this is Foxtrot Zulu Milk Shake, checking in at seven hundred feet. (Hot Shots)

Bob: Ya ever bop your bologna? (National Lampoons Vacation)

Ace: I'm not wearing any pants. Film at eleven. (Kentucky Fried Movie)

Bob: For God's sake, show some balls! (Spies Like Us)

Ace: You put snot on the ball? (Major League)

Bob: What?! Come on, just one little adjective and we'll have a whole sentence here. The tank isn't . . . glad? Sad? Mad? Lonely? (Tank Girl)

Ace: Surrender! (Princess Bride)

Bob: If we give into those people, we're giving into all the cute and fuzzy bunnies in the world. (One Crazy Summer)

Ace: It's not your fault you're stupid. (Spies Like Us)

Bob: Why are you here? (Spies Like Us)

Ace: Do the words, "act of war," mean anything to you? Huh? (Stripes)

Bob: Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb. (Space Balls)

Ace: Your hog balls, sir. (Top Secret)

Bob: Ice turned out so great! (Real Genius)

Ace: The Screwdriver was an utter disappointment. I was hoping for a headache or pounding temples, a blackout, anything, but, ya know, I feel fine. Actually, my headache is gone. I've . . . thumbs down. (Summer School)

Bob: I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries (Monty Python and The Holy Grail).

Are you as disappointed as I am? But you read the whole thing... That makes me smile.

Happy Tuesday....

What are the odds?

I woke up this morning and thought - what random information can I find on the web and then of course share with you? But then I thought - it would be great to write a whole blog in movie quotes - just quote after quote after quote.... Then I thought, why not bring both ideas together - will it make sense, no? Will it make me laugh, yes. Will it make you laugh, maybe??? So today's blog will have movie quotes and random information/statistics.

This is the world I live in...

Quote: One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know (ANIMAL CRACKERS 1930 - This has nothing to do with the following information but how many times do you get to shoot an elephant in your pajamas?).


Corresponding statistic: The tip of a 1/3 inch long hour-hand on a wristwatch travels at 0.00000275 mph.

Quote: Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room (DR. STRANGE LOVE 1964)!

Corresponding statistics: Average life expectancy of an enemy soldier in a Chuck Norris film, 4 seconds.

Quote: Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go (ON GOLDEN POND 1981)!

Corresponding statistic: Number of men who have written letters proposing marriage to Vanna White - 3506.

Quote: Damn the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society (FAMILY GUY).

Corresponding statistic: Number of chemical elements in the universe is 104, compare that to a glass of New Jersey tap water at 98.

Quote: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. (FAMILY GUY)

Corresponding statistic: Number of Americans who TV Evangelists are trustworthy - 2,478,644

Finally a closing quote to wrap up this odd and very random blog loaded with quotes and statistics....

"Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?"