Do you know karate? Cause your body is kick'n!

The brain-trusts at Yahoo and Glamour got together and decided to take on flirting...  This is the way to start a Friday... This is what dreams are made of... This is Seacrest giving a blind guy a high-five...  This is running into your Internet stalker in the real world....  This is bad advice that is going to make for an uncomfortable weekend for a ton of ladies...

To make things a bit more fun and interesting I have American Idol judge Paula Abdul to join me to discuss the tips and the advice.... Paula is putting her drink down and I am picking mine up... Buckle up and welcome Paula....  

Flirting Move #1: The Longer-Than-Normal Eye Gaze

Advice for the ladies: This works, but don't stare him down. Hold the gaze for no more than five seconds, and make sure to smile. I've reeled 'em in countless times this way. It's like a green light. You're silently expressing interest and inviting him or giving him permission to come over.

Advice for the men: This is the easiest and most effective way to signal your interest from across the bar, and it is the only excuse a self-confident guy needs to make a move.

Paula's thoughts:  Eyes are an ocean of emotion and expression... I would love for a guy to want me with his eyes and then I could pull them out and eat them up so they are always with me... His tears would be my sweat...  I would see his soul and he would see the inside of me... Yeah!

RWC:  Don't be the creepy eye gazer... First, because Paula will eat your soul.... Second, security will escort you out...  Third, well it really is just creepy...  Fourth, Paula - stop eye gazing me..

Flirting Move #2: The Wink

Advice for the ladies: The wink can be friendly or cutesy, but if you really want to stop him in his tracks, modify it. Try the slow wink. You close your eyelid and then open it slowly, and at the same time roll your shoulder forward and lift your chin, like you're laughing in slow-motion. But just know that this move is lethal, and it sends a message loud and clear. You might as well give him your room key. I've never used it on a stranger.

Advice for the men: The wink is good in theory but difficult in practice. I'm not very good at winking, so I've never pulled this move -- and if I saw a girl do it, I'd assume she had a twitch.

Paula:  If I don't take my medication I get a twitch and an itch....  But I love to clap and sing...  When I sing I wink...  Winking is fun... Look at me, I am winking now.  Like a sexy butterfly flapping it's wings spreading a breeze of love, I am winking love all around the room..

RWC:  Slow wink, shoulder role, slow motion laugh...  Creepy, bottom line...  Who reads this crap, writes it down and then like a 12 year old with a hair brush or curling iron, stands in front of the mirror and acts out these motions?  

Paula: I did that once.  I used a curling iron.  It was on.  I burned my lips.  Now I can't blow kisses.  But I can still wink.  I will never try to curl my eye lashes...

RWC:  Thanks for that Paula.  When I talk, you drink.  Never cut me off again or I will stab you.

Flirting Move #4: The Oral Fixation (sucking a lollipop, licking lips, etc.)

Advice for women: Always, always do this at some point in the evening. Men imagine that lollipop or Popsicle is... well, you probably get the gist. Warning: Use this move sparingly -- if you spend the whole night perfecting the move, it looks a little over-the-top.

Advice for men: Do single women actually do this? I mean, outside of movies? If so, I've been missing out big-time.

RWC:  Paula is on the floor drawing on her face with crayons.  It is her artistic expression - this is how she designs jewelry, something about how her tears and mascara mix in her eyes creating a burn that turns her brain on.  Per the advice above - I love how giving your long neck Corona bottle fellatio is to be used sparingly... You think?  Unless you are looking to make a couple of bucks in the alley I would recommend that you stay away from this move... Paula get that crayon out of your mouth, that is now even how you do it...  And per the move being over the top - all of these moves are over the top.  Try walking over and saying hi - stop eye gazing them through their window as they get ready in the morning while you are winking and blowing a frozen banana...  

Thanks to Paula and very special thanks to the experts from Glamour (I use the term expert very lightly) that took the time to work with Yahoo in helping you kids out there flirt.  Without these douche bags I would not be able to write all this fun stuff...

Zoom, zoom...

First let me clear the record - the zoom, zoom kid from Mazda really creeps me out.  He should be doing horror films, not car commercials... The fall of the automotive world can be directly linked to that kid...  His poor parents, you know he just sneaks up to them and whispers "zoom, zoom..."  

I feel better now that I have that off my chest... I can't really talk cars unless I talk about the creepy kid first...  

Bottom line, the car industry is in deep trouble.  Their troubles can date back to 1869, yes 1869... Way before the Zoom, Zoom kid the auto industry of American did its absolute best to come out with cars and options that made no sense and would frustrate car owners...  Let's take a look at 5...

Coming in at number 1 - the great minds at Chrysler:

Chrysler offered a fun music option in 1956 with the Highway Hi-Fi, a record player installed in the dashboard. Despite being endorsed in ads by the likes of Laurence Welk, the system failed due to the whole record needle and relying on states to make smooth asphalt roads.  Great idea Chrysler... Way to think that one through...

Coming in at number 2, this great invention was sponsored by the man and endorsed by a camel:

In the 1940's another great American car company came up with the bright idea of an automatic lit cigarette dispenser... Why take your eyes off the road when your car can just give you something lit on fire...  The next evolution was a mini brewery in the trunk and a hooker in the back seat..  Reminds me of the great policy makers of California - I can't text while driving but I can email...  

Coming in at number 3, an evolution in staying smooth:

The in-car electric razor, which Chevy offered as a factory option in 1957.  The Beaver took too long eating his cereal, the wife did not press your shirt in time and the bottom line is - Willy Loman is running late and needs a fresh shave before he gets to office... His beard is built Ford tough but is life is Chevy classy and smooth...

Coming in at number 4, KIT is here to save you....

Back in 1983 Chrysler unveiled an option called Electronic Voice Alert (thanks so much Knight Rider), which could give the driver up to 24 different messages via a speech synthesizer, such as "don't forget your keys" and "your headlights are on."  Oddly enough your headlights are on only had one meaning, but it got ladies looking each time they got out of the car.  Amazingly, people were not big fans of their car turning into a Chatty Kathy that clipped her string. The system was discontinued in 1988, just after Knight Rider went off the air.

You don't get a number 5 today...  Not because I don't I have one, I do but number 5 has me so mad that I don't think I can do it justice...  No I can..

With all of our issues with global warming, dependence on foreign oil and the high cost of gas what is the one thing auto makers just can't let go of?  A car that runs on dog crap or those tasty almond rocca's that your cat leaves you?  Nope.com   The one thing car makes just can't let go of is the monowheel...  I am so pissed right now... I mean screw you Detroit!  Yeah, this is what we need to be working on - a vehicle where I ride inside the wheel.  I tried this once as a kid, I sat inside a tire and someone pushed me down a hill... Guess what - it sucked!  Shocker I know...  Sadly the monowheel and it's imperfection dates back to 1869...  The wheel has gone from being a horse drawn buggy style advancement (it sucked) to the year 2008 where some knucklehead in Detroit loaded one up with a V8...  Great, a crappy idea that also makes us more dependent on oil...  

Maybe we can give our automakers and Detroit to Canada? 

Reuse, Recycle - Earth Day My Style....

Reuse, Recycle - at least today then go back to throwing cigarette butts out the window and only using styrofoam.

But today, today you need to do your best to help the earth out. There are some amazing sites out there that can help if you choose to continue helping the earth for more than just today (and yes you should) - go to www.IdealBite.com and learn how to live with planet earth, not on planet earth... (that was good, SM pending). That written, one site has flown under the radar as a leader in helping mother earth... That site, Ebay - small eco footprint, no stores, no littering employees, register tape, batteries, bad lighting, junk mail... Just a site that will let you sell a liver, your virginity, your soul or these 5 very random and "recycled" items... Get your Mastercard out and get ready to do some shopping...

Item #277481422: UFO Detector

A prototype manufactured by a Brazilian company, this modified magnetometer is supposed to pick up UFO activity and was proven to work when red and orange balls of light appeared in the skies over Sao Paulo. Unfortunately, it wasn’t 100% guaranteed due to the fact that “the propulsion systems of UFOs are not the same.”

RWC: I think this runs off of trash or nuclear waste... Either way a steal and a must have while watching Fringe or for my old school friends, X-Files....

Item #289158639: Real Shrunken Head

Straight from the Jivaro Indian tribe in the jungles of Ecuador to the world’s largest electronic marketplace, a total of 26 shrunken heads were put up for sale with a ranged in color from dark brown to gray.

RWC: Post forensic cleaning is a burden on planet earth, especially the disposal of human waste like brains, blood or real shrunken heads (thanks African Shaman)... Thanks to Ebay, I don't have to go out pay a guy to shrink a head, I can just buy one... yeah for me and planet earth.

Item #248619068: The Meaning of Life

Someone finally figured it out, and they put it up for sale on eBay.

RWC: Barnes and Noble is full of tree killing books filled with this so called information... Ebay put it in one central location, one simple item, one buyer, one seller - one planet, one love... Suck it Kinkos!

And as it pertains to sucking it, Item #2961640885: Vampire Killing Kit

The stylish vampire hunter would love this late 1800s European “vampire killing kit,” which included a crossbow with four silver-tipped arrows, an ebony wood stake, a large bottle of holy water and various surgical instruments, among other things. A solid mahogany wood box kept the items secure until they would be needed.

RWC: The set was made from dead vampires bones and teeth, so totally recycled....

And coming in at number 1, the Dick Chaney special - Item #150118191: USAF Hughes AIM-4D Falcon Missile

Yes, a real missile was auctioned off; fortunately, it was disarmed prior to the sale.

RWC: Disarmed or not, it will still make a great light or night stand...

Do your part.... Don't fight it, just do it (thanks Nike)....

MMMMM - Chocolate...

Update:  I signed up for twitter the other day.....  Too bad the working business title for the site is not, The Ultimate Distraction... I guess that was already taken... Anyway, I load up the old blog and who becomes my first "follower" - dare to guess?  Somalia pirates, yes on Twitter, signed up to follow me, so say it with me kids.....  "Siiiiiick."  I was joking about that group having a PR company behind them but now, now it may have moved from a joke to a reality....  

To the fun stuff....

I heard just part of a bit of this on KROQ the other morning....  The pirates and Saved By The Bell distracted me yesterday but now I am back on task and ready to go....  It is time to get all meditational with some chocolate....  

Per Intentional Chocolates website.... "Positive intention is a thought, a prayer, or a blessing. Positive intention is also an offering to the world at large or to a friend in need and can come from the pure desire to help another. There is a growing body of evidence that suggests that intention invokes measurable power and energy that can manifest across space and time. Researchers all around the world, such as those at Princeton, Harvard and the Max Planck Institute are studying the power of intention"

Side note:  The guys and gals that graduated from Harvard and Princeton are also the people that devised the financial systems that helped create the mess that we are in today so....  May I suggest that perhaps the "Harvard" or "Princeton" degree should not be as celebrated as it once was....  That written, it is funny and cool to see how some of the higher mind schools are going all hippie chic...

The site goes to report... "It seemed a natural match to infuse the good intentions of optimal health and well-being into a food that already has positive energetic and even mystical properties. With our secret ingredient (intention), Intentional Chocolate™ allows you to deliver the actual clear and simple intention of “Thank you,” “I love you” or “Be Well” through something that everyone enjoys. When you purchase Intentional Chocolate™ to send to a friend or loved one, not only do you get the intention for well-being embedded by experienced meditators, but you also can send your own intention. You may be surprised at the powerful impact this gift can have on those to whom it is given."

RWC:  I like that I can add my own intention...  This idea would have been great while I was in college - "Mom, I love you... Send me more money... Mom I love you....  Send me more money...."  If their theory holds true than this just might work.  Who wants to start a company called Greedy Chocolate where we load the chocolate up with guilt (sold at Curves and 24hr Fitness) and greed messages....  I think people would pay for the opportunity to make someone feel guilty or to have a friend, coworker or boss give them money...  Just start giving our chocolates out during review time.  I am just here to help.

Of course everyone says they can help so I wanted to compare enlightened chocolate with magnetic bracelets...  It's your money, spend it wisely...

Chocolate:

• decreases stress
• increased energy 
• less fatigue 
• greater calmness
• enhanced focus
• improved general well being

Side note:  All things I can get from a Mutt Lynches Trailer Park Ice Tea

Bracelets:

• reduce the pain of osteoarthritis
  
• arrested or killed CANCER cells
  
• increase the flow of blood and oxygen
  
• promotes weight loss
• stop bacterial infections

And the winner is.... The Chocolate.  I can trust a guy that sells stuff on Venice BLVD and smells like the Panama Red.. Plus my grandfather used to sell the bracelets out of his RV, enough said....

Robin Hood and white caps...

AIG, Goldman, Hedge Fund Managers, Dirty Politicians, Madoff... Wall Street in general please take note of what happened this weekend....  Even Somali Pirates have a better idea of PR than you knuckle heads - a group of Somali Pirates released a hijacked ship and its 19 person crew when they learned it was picking up food aid for their hungry countrymen...  

And like the legislation actions of our politicians, a group of pirates, before dawn, attacked a ship with rocket-propelled grenades (they are pirates so really - how good where their grenades - notverygood.com), but the ship - like Wall Street - escaped unharmed...

Now before you get all up in arms, I am not promoting the pirate attacks.  But I am amazed that the pirates had the insight to let a ship go....  They have to have a PR company behind the scenes twittering them...

Time for a random tangent, hang on:  Come on, how can you not drop a twitter bomb here. Let's be honest, the over under is that each of these pirates have an old myspace page and a fresh new facebook page with new uploaded pictures of rocket propelled grenades, the latest in pirate wear, newly polished guns and shout outs to their fans around the world.  I wonder if there is a business to start a dating network for women that want to date pirates?  You know, like the date a prisoner website.  A nice pic, profile and highlights of what hijacking operations they have been a part of.  That could work - you could digg the pirate, facebook friend them and if you played your cards right you could read their blog.  If they got a large enough do think they would get sponsors - maybe "Talk Like a Pirate Day" could step up and for one day sponsor the pirates and those held captive by hosting the negotiations over a Cisco network powered webcam.  More than likely the global sponsor culture and social network world would change the pirates - they would forget their mission, go more for flash than cash and we would lose a modern day Robin Hood that if only for one moment, had the insight to make sure a boat bound to help their countrymen would be set free....

Bad Pirates, smart PR - Bad Wall Street, bad PR...  When you make a pirate look good, even if only for a moment - and that pirate is not Johnny Depp, then you my friend have an image problem....  

And I woke up this morning and really wanted to talk about my dream of being on Saved By the Bell...  Tomorrow never comes but it's always right around the corner....