Because life is not tough enough....

Some people get dealt a bad hand of cards. Some of it can be over come - hair loss? Just go bald, it is in for both women and men... Chronic of Narnia bad breath? Eclipse it with some gum or Altoids.... Leasing your metabolism? Freebase Hydroxycut or Cocaine to burn some extra calories... But what if you have loose or a swinging door colon? You know the whole, "oops I crapped my pants" kind of bowels? Your only choice is a fresh smelling adult diaper... Not a clothe diaper either - bamboo and cotton can't cover up the smell of your Indian food mixed with the 7-11 hot dog fire turd.... You need something that has been tested on animals.... Something has blinded monkeys and if used improperly could cover up the smell of a dump while burning the communties eyes like the guy in the gym that wears way too much cologne...

The problem... A fresh smelling dumper for you may mean that mother earth will go on life support.... Even worse, the media is coming after you poopy pants. Check out this request for an expert...

Ecological Impact of Adult Diapers
Name: Amy
Title: Media Outlet: Various national and regional publications
Specific Geographic Region: N
Region: National
Deadline: 06:05pm EASTERN - 08 May
Query:I am writing an article about the ecological impact of adult diapers/pads and other incontinence management options. There are plenty of articles that talk about the impact of baby diapers, but none about the adult variety. If you are willing to provide statistics, forward me to resources give a quote, please contact me.

My advice... Get a T1 line brought into your home with a connection next to you toilet... Stay home, work from home, crap your pants on your own time and stop killing the earth stinky...

Friday's are fun...

Do you remember me?

Bea Arthur died the other day - no I will not be a fan of hers on Facebook, sorry but nope.com. I loved me some Golden Girls but I liked the really old grumpy one and the batty one that we all assumed was blonde before she went white...

What about some other great 80's TV shows that you may have forgotten.... Sure you remember Family Ties, Cosby Show, The A-Team, Cheers, Dukes of Hazzard, Miami Vice (not the crap movie but the money 1hr TV show) and Knight Rider but what about these 80's gems -

Let's take a look at some of the best 80's shows you may have forgotten -

Starting off with a cat eater - Alf

When it aired: 1986-1990

Created by: Paul Fusco and Tom PatchettWhat was it about: A smart ass alien crash lands in the Tanner family's backyard, and instead of anally probing them, he eats their food, chases their cat, and occasionally brings them closer together as a family.

Why we loved it: Because that acerbic alien Alf was a smooth mix of Robin Williams from Mork and Mindy with a dash of social justice....

Factoid fun: With the exception of the pilot, every episode was named after a song, including such rockers as "Wild Thing" (Season 1, Episode 19), "Stairway To Heaven" (Season 3, Episode 2), and "Wanted: Dead Or Alive" (Season 4, Episode 3).

What is more than meets the eye? Only the greatest TV/cartoon show ever - 'Transformers'

When it aired: 1984-1987Created by: Jay Bacal and John Gibbs

What was it about: It was all hot robot-on-robot action when the Autobots and the Decepticons -- sentient alien robots than can reconfigure their bodies to look like cars, planes, and in one case, a boom box - battle it out on Earth.

Why we loved it: Robots, cars, robots - good guys, bad guys - robots, cars... It was the first Fast and Furious but way cooler... Robots cool.

Factoid fun: Over the years, Optimus Prime and pals have made guest appearances on both "Family Guy" and "Robot Chicken" while Soundwave appeared in the film "Say Anything ...

Why not rip it up 80's style with this pink chopper classic: Riptide!

YouTube it one time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMq59GCaIfw

When it aired: 1983 - 1986

What was it about: You mean you don't remember? Well then let's refresh... Cody Allen and Nick Ryder, two best friend that knew each other since Vietnam, years later, they and Dr. Murray (and Electronic Engineer Nerd) decide to create a Private Detective Agency in the boat "Riptide" in pier 56.

Let's close out with the Knight Rider of the air - Airwolf!

YouTube it one time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nr_CJL1YQRc&feature=related

Catch up on some episodes at: http://series.airwolf.tv/episodes/

Whet it aired: 1984 - 1987

What it was about: Airwolf was a 60 minute action series on CBS for its first three seasons and on the USA Network for its final season. It was about a maverick pilot who made a deal with a covert U.S. agency called, "The Firm". If they would help him find his brother who was missing in Vietnam, he would operate their high-tech helicopter on dangerous missions for them.

Fun fact: Ernest Borgnine has had one amazing career as an actor! Starting in films in the 1950s, he has appeared in more than 100 movies and counting! He starred in several TV series including, "McHale's Navy (1962)", "Airwolf (1984), and "The Single Guy (1995). His one-half century career has also included many TV commercials and voice overs for animated films.

Your 80's recap is done! Now go to YouTube and watch clips...

What happens next?

I am always fascinated by what happens after the commercial is over - I get it, the commercials are fake. But what if they are real? Well then it begs the question - what happens when their 30 seconds of fame ends. What happens when the commercial ends and the Mentalist or NCIS comes back on? I think I have an idea - an insight on to what could happen...

First - Valtrex. This is the herpes commercial that is on. Everyone is happy - one person has herpes and the other person doesn't.

Here is the commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iLTfG75s6g

So what happens next? Well let's be honest here she gives him herpes. Then after he finds the bump on his pepe... There is an ugly breakup including nasty posts on www.shegavemetheherp.com and her ugly posts on www.quickdrawandabump.com. After a round of ugly internet banter, wall bathroom postings and doctor visits the cycle starts all over again... This time it's a handicam, not a commercial and it starts on Match.com or eHarmony.com not on TV....

NEXT!

I can't do next... Just got a ton of work to do so enjoy the Viagra commercial and then find your own ending that is not as harsh as mine...

Oh and don't get an VD today....

I am out

Quote me once shame on me, quote me twice shame on someone

The game of quotes - if played correctly you can really impress someone. Sadly though quotes are like Algebra 2, very few of us have the correct answer. Quotes from famous people are often misrepresented, taken out of context or flat out wrong.

Some original quotes are clumsy, some don’t seem to match the style of language we expect of a person, and some are changed for propaganda reasons, no really it happens.

Let's look at 5 quotes - the fake and the real...

George Washington's famous quote: “I cannot tell a lie. It was I who chopped down the cherry tree.”

Washington never said this, wrote this or twittered this. In fact, the story was first told in the 1800s by biographer Parson Weems. In Weems book, the tree was not “chopped down”. So stop talking about cherry trees being chopped down. Shut your pie hole people....

Edward Murphy's famous quote creating all sorts of laws: Quote: “Anything that can go wrong, will.”

Edward Murphy (NOT Eddie Murphy) did not say this. What he most likely did say is something along the lines of: “If there’s more than one way to do a job, and one of those ways will result in disaster, then somebody will do it that way”. You like how I don't have the real quote right but I am sure that the quote above is wrong... So who is wrong? Who is write? Iamwrite.com - youaremisquotingpeopletosoundfunny.com so suck it.

All around nice guy Mark Twain: Quote: “The only two certainties in life are death and taxes.”

This is more a problem of mis-attribution rather than misquotation. Mark Twain did not coin this phrase: Edward Ward in his 1724 “Dancing Devils” wrote “Death and Taxes, they are certain.” BTW - when you dance with devils I recommend square dancing or the fox trot. And Christopher Bullock wrote in his 1716 “Cobler of Preston” that “’Tis impossible to be sure of anything but Death and Taxes.” So two people said it before Twain, may not seem like a big deal to you know but misquote or mis-attribute this quote to Twain with one of the Ward or Bullcok family members near you - Trouble.com...

Old Bill Shakespeare is often misquoted but the Lily takes the cake: Quote: “Gild the lily”

This is a misquote from Shakespeare’s King John. The actual quote is “To gild refined gold, to paint the lily”. Either way it is a bad quote so stop saying it....

Winston Churchill: Quote: “The only traditions of the Royal Navy are rum, sodomy and the lash.”

Churchill did not utter this phrase at all - his assistant (Anthony Montague-Brown) did. What Churchill did say later was that he wished he had said it. Anthony wishes the quote was attributed to him, after all he said it...

Go and misquote....

I think tomorrow I want to do a blog on telling the story after the commercial ends... As if commercials where real. Load up some YouTube and have some fun... Thoughts? Wait, why am I asking that, I don't care if you like the concept... I just want you to read the blog or at least click on an add.....

Nude hikers, skinny models and bullet proof bras

Happy Funday Monday party people!  It is another week so lets get it started right...  Monday sets the stage for the rest of the week and this week will be a weird one.  Gracing the headlines today - nude hikers, models that are too skinny but swear they eat and bullet proof bras...  Time to put it on spin cycle and rewash this news....

Switzerland - home of the army knife and really cool watches is banning nude hiking.  You can blame the ban on the Germans.  We all know that naked Swiss hikers rule.  But naked German hikers, well that is just gross.  Sure the Germans made beer cool but stick with what you know and unlike Bo Germans don't know naked hiking!  As a country Germany has given us beer goggles, two successful car companies, the meanest looking flag, a really fast highway and some super scary forests - none of these scream naked.  

Oddly enough the German people promoted this activity.  German Web sites describe nude hiking as "a special experience of nature, free and healthy" and said nude walking in the Alps has roots in antiquity.  Sadly the website left out the gross naked and free German body....  

From fat and ugly naked German hikers to bone showing models...  If this was a mid day soap it would be called "The Bony and the Beautiful?" (have to say it like Ron Burgandy).   So the skinny is (yes bad pun intended) that both doctors and dietitians freaked out when they finally saw Australia's Miss Universe finalist, calling her dangerously malnourished.  

The so called model and Miss Universe contestant is 5'11" and a whopping 108 pounds.  Fat in the modeling world, deathly skinny at mall food courts in America....  

One thing our super skinny model doesn't have to worry about is being shot or having to wear a bra - at almost 6ft and 100lbs there are two, make that three things you don't have - a butt and a set of twins that need to be strapped down.  

A woman, not a model - she lives in Detroit (not a real breeding ground for models), used her under wire bra to deflect bullet.  Why was she shot at - she was being a good citizen.  Her neighbors home was being broken into, she made an attempt to stop the break in and the dirty scoundrels shot her...  The magic and the power of the under wire corralling her sweater kittens deflected the bullet Wonder Woman style and saved her from serious injuries.  

Sadly with no invisible jet or magic golden rope the would be cat burglars got away...

Monday starts off with German's making naked bad - but beer is still good, skinny models that need to eat and a movement from the Wonder Bra to the Bullet Proof Bra!