Dropping knowledge

The extended weekend is officially here - so read this and learn something!

Bizzaro – a world made famous by the sitcom Seinfeld. Jerry would go on and on about a land where left was right and right was left… A truly bizarre land where Newman was good and Jerry was bad, where Banyon was funny and Jerry’s bits just bombed. The fictitious world of Bizzaro may be more real than fake – not the extreme of left being right and right being left…. Bizzaro holds true as we compare ourselves to our shelled friends of the deep, the sea turtle.

From sunglasses to sunscreen to rash guards if it does not have UV protection then you don’t want it! At the Turtle Store Emporium located 2 miles deep in the ocean blue (it is their Costco – just left and on the outskirts of Atlantis – that city is so pretentious, they will not allow any chain stores inside their city limits), turtles come from far and wide looking for UV enhancers. They need, they want, they must have the UV to live and grow strong…

Turtles treat UV rays like milk – building strong bones and shells. They may seem like they are being lazy as they lope around with their heads held to the sky, but in fact they are doing just what they need to do for survival. Their sunbathing not only feels good, it inspires their shells to grow, keeps their bones strong and extends their lives. Some live to 30 years or more. And their distant cousin – the giant tortoise – can live into their late 100s, yet Wilard Scott of the Today Show never gives them any love, neither do his friends at Smuckers. Not to mention, the long standing legend from India that has a tortoise named Adwaitya who lived to be 255 years old.

And then there are us human beings – we lounge in the sun (because we are lazy) and we enjoy the water like our shelled friend – the difference, turtles glide through the water, we flop through it. And as it pertains to UV rays, they are both a blessing and a curse. In moderation, they assist our bodies in producing Vitamin D (oddly enough found in milk, but as we all learned from Ron Burgandy, milk is not good on a hot day) – this strengthens our bones and teeth and helps us resist various internal cancers. The curse comes from us lounging around like turtles for hours at a time without the proper protection. Since the 80s, there has been a noticeable hole growing in the ozone which has led to a growing number of skin cancer cases – for both children and adults.

Proper protection may mean different things for different people and age groups. For adults lounging around the pool watching their potbellies grow in the sun, a potent sunscreen may be sufficient. But for most children, if they are near a pool, on a beach or at a river, most likely they are jumping in and out of the water. Sunscreen may partially do the trick but one can never be too sure – it rubs off, dissolves in the water and may not be applied evenly. That leads to a funny, all be it uncomfortable, sun burn for the child.

You need to be especially aware of UV rays when you are taking kids to the water – UV rays may not seem as dangerous as a shark or snapping turtle (they bit way harder than sharks and they are not confusing you with a seal, they are just mean and want to bite you). The message – skin and eye protection are key. Get a float suit or rash guard with UV protection – you and the kids should be wearing sunscreen with UV protection – finally wear both goggles and sunglasses (not at the same time – plus wear the goggles on land and the sunglasses underwater, wait that is Bizzaro world; so the opposite and make sure the lens have UV protection).

Learn more about UV protecting products at www.destinationwater.com for both adults and children. Learn more about turtles at www.google.com (we can’t do all the work for you – and if I see this as a book report for some kid, then I will prosecute like Metallica going after Napster)

Did you know that a sea turtle can swim up to 20 MPH?! It’s amazing that a slow and pokey reptile on land can be so quick in the water. It makes me wonder – maybe they are just in a hurry to get back into the sun to catch some UV rays…

It was all a dream....

Do you remember one of the greatest crime show drama's of all time - Hart To Hart? On this day 25 years ago Hart To Hart aired for the last time.

The Hart To Hart TV show was a 60 minute crime drama series on ABC about Jonathan Hart (a self-made millionaire) and his wife Jennifer (a freelance investigative journalist) who traveled the world. During their travels, they played amateur detectives and got themselves into pretty serious situations with criminals, including murderers! They always managed to elude serious harm and "get their man" in the end though.

Random side note: Aaron Spelling produced Hart To Hart..... Robert Wagner, Jonathan Hart, reluctantly accepted 45% ownership of the series, "Charlie's Angels (1976)" as payment for a prior contract he had with Aaron (this got him to do Hart To Hart). Wagner said that he felt that a show about three young, beautiful, female crime fighters was the worst idea he'd ever heard... That is why he is an actor and Spelling is one of the best TV producers of our time...

Hart To Hart ended in the lamest way possible.... Jonathan Hart woke up. It was all a dream, just like his comments on Charlies Angels when he got his royalty checks....

Random notes:

1. I am now a fan of "Don't be murdered by a clown" on FaceBook. This is a great thing to be a fan of...

2. Greatest American Hero - the Seinfled version: "Believe it or not George isn't at home, please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone; where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home!"

3. I am currently fascinated by Cagney and Lacey - the first TV show to have 2 female leads. The first show to highlight the bombing of an abortion clinic. The first show to totally ignore that fact that 2 female cops that dress butch and live together are not lesbian...

4. I miss the show Stingray: Ray, who lives in Southern California, devotes his time to helping those who are in trouble, much like New York City's Robert McCall in CBS’s contemporary but longer-running and more popular series The Equalizer (nothing like getting your butt kicked by a 90 year old man in a smoking jacket). Ray’s background is even more shadowy than McCall’s. All that is known about him is that, like McCall, he advertises surreptitiously in newspapers, ostensibly offering a “’65 black Stingray for Barter Only” and including a telephone number (555-7687); those wishing to enlist his services, presumably having learned the ad’s real meaning by word of mouth, can call him for help. It is not clear if "Ray' is even his real name, or if simply a nickname he has taken on based on the car he drives: the aforementioned black '65 Stingray.

Maybe this was all a dream.... Maybe we can turn all of the above TV classics into movies.... Maybe, just maybe.....

Look for me on WealthTV and don't forget there are 3 kinds of people in this world - those that can count and those that can't.....

The Death Blog

Per my last blog someone died.... It happens. Hollywood loves the death part of things and so does music both lyrically and in reality. Elvis died stoned, fat, wealthy and sitting on the bowl.... Elvis also wrote and performed a song about death - Mystery Train....

Of course music does not begin and end with Elvis. George Harrison wrote and performed All Things Mush Pass.... Blue Oyster Cult rocked the house and the graveyard with Don't Fear the Reaper..... Curt Kobain realized he married a H'ed out train wreck and blew his head off - not a song just a fact.... Motor Head rocked Killed By Death - I was once filled by filling.... The Clash did Death or Glory and got glory, don't worry death is coming... And in a turn of events the Violent Femmes did Country Death Song, a happy song about death with a sad harmony about country music, I think....

Our friends in the movies love death... Ghost anyone? Ditto someone you love one time today and then thank Patrick and Demi for the weirdest on screen death kiss, love will survive all kiss in this world or any other world.... Penn and Slater both did movies about Death Row, not just a record company kids but a real place in another real and scary place called prison... Of course when mentioning death and film you can't forget or neglect Flatliners....

All that written one hint of ultimate death has haunted man kind, 2012 and those Chris Angels of the past - the Mayans. A society, along with their boy Nostradamus, predicted the world would end by 2012... The reason, their very accurate calendar ends on 2012. The reason why it ends.... no one knows. Before we could find out why their swimsuit calendar edition ended the Mayan people decided to up and disappear.... Hence the Angel reference.... Full circle it quick and back to the blog... So they up and stop the heart yanking, blood sacrifice calendar at 2012 and people with long beards that write in code and we freak out... And for good reason, no.

We are less than three years out from the world as the head Mayan, errrr guy making calendars at the local Hallmark of South America at the time, stopped making them.... Perhaps the calendar was not a good seller? Maybe he got bored.... Perhaps, he was the only guy that could do the calendar and a puma ate him.... All of the above excuses are better and more rational than a society that did not make it, predicted that the world would end by 2012. And if they did and then decided not to live the rest of their years out because they figured out the end, well then I call them all big fat quitters and they and their dooms day calendar can suck it!

The reality is that we are all going to die... It may be 2012. It may be today, tomorrow or next year... But unless an alien life form comes down, gives you an anal probe (that is what they do if you read or watch anything to do with aliens.... those aliens are fascinated with how we make poop and where the poop comes from... they love the smell. they hate the smell. nobody knows. but we do know that they have more of a butt fetish than any of the actors in the ass man series....) and then you can live forever, but then you don't want to live forever because the only last memory you will have is an alien violating your corn hole.... And for what? So you can live forever, that sucks - no thanks. I wonder, are you really being visited by aliens or by creepy, dirty pastors, priests and of course a plethora of republicans during the Bush administration.... Yes there is a joke here but I am too tired to go there right now...

So we all die. Young, old, middle aged... Deal with it. More importantly don't focus on it. Focus on life and enjoy the world around you... and the people unless they are some of the corn hole violators mentioned above...

change in direction

So I was going to write this funny thing on death today - one of my grandmothers passed away last night and hence a little tribute to her but then I cam into work and my "PC" became what all of them become - worthless....

So I was thinking about the first run of commercials - "I am X and I am a PC." One of the biggest pushes was a little girl that was 6 - she took a picture of her fish and then fixed it on a PC and all of us where amazed - she was cute, she was 6 and she sold you on a PC. Hey MONKEY'S - she still believes in Santa Claus. She is a PC and she is a girl that loves the Easter Bunny, believes all dogs do go to heaven, cried in Bambi, is still looking for Nemo, believes in the Little Mermaid and thinks that when you grab her face you really did take her nose...

So great to know that you took her advice when getting a new computer.... Yes, I know she was cute. She also has about 900 viruses on her computer and now her cute little fish is has the body of a hot mom and is on every porn site in America - thanks PC.

You don't compare a steak sandwich at Carl's with the steak sandwich served to Irwin R. Flether, i.e. Jane Doe in Fletch when he was at the tennis club and put the whole thing on the Underhills tab.... They don't cost the same, because they are not the same..... Fletch got an amazing 100 dollar lunch... Carl's gives you a gut bomb, regret it later - a moment on your lips forever on your hips fatty piece of meat that is has been cubed together to look like steak. It is like taking the McRib to a Texas BBQ and then you start talking about how much you love "real" ribs and BBQ....

The second round of commercials has someone looking for a computer on the cheap and after it is all said and done they get a PC and as luck would have it they get their PC paid for.... What the commercial doesn't show is that lucky consumer going home and trying to work on their PC... Loading all the software. All the add ons, plug ins and virus alerts. Then the screaming and throwing...

I have been working on a PC for 4 weeks now. My new job was kind enough to get me a top of the line Dell. I use my PC for 4 simple tasks. Reading news on the internet. Email. Blogging. And when I have to I open it up and use it, Word. That is it. No picture files. No video files. No heavy email attachments. Yet my computer disk space is already low. Who wants to buy this PC? Nobodyrunningthosecrapcommercialsyoufinditwewillbuyit.com

My, "Dude, it's a Dell just may become a frisbee. I may take it outside and throw it. Of course with my bad hip I should not be throwing anything (name the movie)."

I am out... Funny so is my PC

Eye Patch...

This story will make this kid super popular on "Talk Like a Pirate Day" but a scared and terrified child the rest of his life.... Check out this real news story...

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. (Let's start right here: Bakersfield is one of the scariest places on earth... a PCP rich environment with a dusting of meth and corn fields... It is the Riverside of Northern California) Back to the news: – A 4-year-old California boy may be permanently blinded after police say his father bit out one of his eyes and mutilated the other (I am going to go out on a limb and say that the kid will be blinded in one eye. It has been in a man's mouth, bitten out.... Like gum found under the table at your favorite Denny's - you don't want that. Get the kid a new eye from a person that dies in a sky diving accident or a ballet accident. Of course then you run the risk of the eye, the window to the soul, bringing him memories of not only his father eating out his eye but also the horrific memories of how the previous person who had his new eye died.... See how complicate this gets. Just hook him up with Tom Cruise so he can learn how to rock an eye patch for the rest of his life.)

Bakersfield police say 34-year-old Angel Vidal Mendoza appeared to be under the influence of PCP when he attacked the boy April 28. Afterwards police say Mendoza rolled his wheelchair outside and began hacking at his own legs with an ax. (So I have 2 issues here - the first being that the news just glances over the fact that the attacker is in a wheel chair. Not the best add for removing handicapped and calling them handicapable but a start... He should have been playing the wheel chair game where the guys kick the crap out of each other. I would like to see him try to eat out of those guys eyes. Second, after eating out a kids eye do you, as the first responding officer, stop the man from taking a dull or sharp axe to his dead legs? Nope.com. I am not sick, I am not going to help him but I will run in, grab the kid and then take some laps around the block until the human weed whacker is done with this stubs...)

Four-year-old Angelo Mendoza Jr. told police, "my daddy ate my eyes." (Just one more reason to not stop the guy from hacking his legs off. The boy followed up his comments with, Daddy also said they tasted like chicken.... What doesn't taste like chicken? Besides beef and gnocchi).

Doctors at Mercy Hospital say it's unclear whether Angelo will regain vision in his right eye.
The boy's mother wasn't home at the time. (Oddly enough, the PCP loaded sperm donor bit out the left eye... Per the mom, you would not leave your kid with one of Michael Vicks dogs so why would you ever leave your kid with a wheel chair bound PCP junkie? And no a trip to 31 flavors will not kill the thought of his dad eating out his eye)

Mendoza is due in court Wednesday. Charges include mayhem, torture and child cruelty. Jail officials say they don't know whether he has an attorney. (All of this avoided if you let him finish the job himself with an axe... Also, I am pretty sure that the whole missing eye thing makes him guilty - so lock him up and save the great people of CA some tax dollars...)

You take the good, you take the bad...

I love TV, I mean I really love TV..... One show taught us how to love, how to hate and how we can all learn lessons from old people and that show is, "The Facts of Life"!

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have - The Facts of Life, The Facts of Life... It is time to take a look at where the girls and the one guy of the Facts of Life have gone....

Kim Fields - Then: Back in the day she played Dorothy Ramsey, better known as Tootie, a name that inspired the sweet breakfast menu at iHop - Rootie Tootie Fresh and Fruity! Tootie spent her time roller skating, not blading around the house bumping her gums - she was worse than a salon full of old ladies getting their bee hives done.... Through her nine years on the show she dealt with racism, prostitution, and, worst of all, braces. Her tag line on the show was, "We are in trou-ble!"

Kim Fields - Now: Kim dropped off Tootie and signed on with Queen Latifah to rap, no that is wrong - she was still acting, minus the skates, on the hit show Living Single - not the hit that Facts was but she was on Fox in the early 90's a station that had two shows - Simpsons and X Files and Tootie was only made fun of on those shows....

Lisa Whelchel - Then: She was a stuck up, pretentious HBIC if you know what I am saying and I think you do.... Her character Blair Warner was rich, Rick James or Bootsy Collins rich and a personality to match. Setting up the scene for great shows like 227 and 90210, Blair used some of her piggy bank money to buy Eastland and turn it into a co-ed school in hopes to make sure that Joe was not batting for the same team if you know what I mean...

Lisa Whelchel - Now: Like a dead beat smoker, she quit the show and acting... Rumor has it that she is nothing like the person she played on Fact of Life, actually she is a devoted mother of three with 4 nannies and 3 personal chefs - living off of her royalty checks...

Mindy Cohn - Then: You might remember her at Natalie or fatty, fatty or keep your chins up.... She was the butt of all the fat girl jokes that fit perfectly with a laugh track... Not only was she fat she was also the "true" whore of the show being the first to lose her virginity with her boyfriend... Not a great role model

Mindy Cohn - Now: Still fat. Still eating. Still acting.

Nancy McKeon Then: Her role as the woman in comfortable shoes, errrr Jo, was the politically correct tomboy on the show. Forget Ellen, Jo was the first lesbian to be on TV - well that not true, many believe that Cagney and Lacey where the first lesbians to be on TV. I still think it was Jo. Jo was not fat, not a whore and not the HBIC but she was a smoking boozer that liked stealing.

Nancy McKeon - Now: Let's get the easy stuff out of the way - prison: nope.com; lesbian: nope.com.... Jo, I mean Nancy, is still acting - big on Lifetime. So if you want to see a movie or made for TV special about a woman that is dieing of cancer, has a husband that is cheating on her and is on her period - tune into Lifetime, you will find that show and may find Nancy...

Of course there where the 2 old ladies - they are or should be dead. Clooney was on the show and so was Molly Ringwald (shocker she has not done more with her adult career). I don't have the time and neither do you -plus we don't care...

Happy Monday