Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting

Sad news today in the world of kung fu grips, bad hair and a man that walked 5000 miles - actor and karate chopping, high kicking (dangerous style, not rockets style - not that getting kicked by one of the rockets would be a walk in the park but it would not hurt as bad as getting kicked by the long haired legend), pony tail rocking (you can suck it Segal) David Carradine is dead.

As dead as the death blow that Chuck Bronson would give a person but in respect to Carradine he would not die from a bullet, he would die from the true kung fu death blow.... If there is such a thing and I think there is or at least I have read that there is... So the guy who lost the Green Hornet role to Bruce Lee but took the role of walking foot fist way meets wise man in the TV series Kung Fu, David Carradine is dead....

The man who was in Crank 2, playing a dirty old man with bad teeth who needs a new heart (like Lee who played a role where he died) David Carradine's character on the big screen become reality and he died...

The man who made it okay for a foreign guy to kick the crap out of a red neck cowboy, playing in over 100 films (all requiring a karate chop at the bare minimum), the man that compared himself to Hopkins, Eastwood and Connery - David Carradine is dead...

So to put this intro in the grave... David Carradine, in case you have not been paying attention, is dead... Rest well. He was the only man who acted in Hollywood and kept his side job as an Italian cheese maker that cut the cheese with his hands (obituary fart joke... love me, hate me? who doesn't make fart noises with their hands or with their butt? Carradine did both, may have killed him - all we know is that he is dead).

In other news: Moving from the grave to the chair....

The guy you love to hate and hate to love - Sacha Baron Cohen, is being sued in relation to his highly anticipated new movie about a gay fashion journalist named Bruno.

Here is the skinny: "Bruno" was invited as a celebrity to come in and run a bingo night. He made it dirty. He offended a plethora of people and more importantly he made the host of bingo night, Richelle Olson, cry. She cried so hard that she had to remove herself from the bingo hall to privately cry in a back room. As she cried, she heaved (we have all seen women cry this way - it is gross. Snot comes out of their nose. Mascara runs down their faces making them look like a challenged WWE professional wrestler. In some cruel trick their eyes start to swell. Their lips puff up. They rock back and forth. They can't breathe right... You remember) and in one of her child like crying actions she fell and hit her head on a concrete slab. She suffered a brain bleed. Brain damage? From the way that she cried and due to the fact that she was running a bingo night, well it is implied that the damage was already there.... In the spirit of all things American, Richelle (not Rochelle, Rochelle the classic Seinfeld film of a sexy young French girl looking to become a woman) is taking NBC and Bruno to court.

Cry baby blaming someone and taking them to court - makes sense... Perhaps Bruno should escape our legal system and return to Kazastan (sp?) as Borat... Just a thought....

And finally....

Watch your cash Thursday... A man in New Jersey, the rain man of bank robbing got the bright idea to only rob banks on Thursdays... Nothing like having cash for the weekend, right? One problem with this fool proof plan... The cops, their eyes are glazed from eating donuts, noticed a pattern.... Hmmmm, Thursday - Check! New Jersey - Check! Bank Robbery - Check! Pattern - maybe, let's play this one by the book. So they watched season 12 of Law and Order, figured it out and then busted the Thursday bank robber.

I am off to Portland, Ore the land of sunshine and warmth... Or something like that...

Keeping up with China

First we had the winged cat from China - according to the owner, the cat grew wings to fly away from all of the female cats that wanted to mate with him (we get it, her cat played for the same team and did not want to change teams)... What was not reported - she lived next to a dump and her cat drank river water. You can do the math.

Next we had cocaine in Red Bull. Thanks for giving Red Bull the kick it needed China - nice work!

Today.... it's not in the Red Bull, it's not growing on a cat.... Nope.com, it's on the menu. Snake Bite Chicken. Essentially you pick you snake, then you pick your chicken, then the chef or snake handler forces the snake to bite the chicken... The poison kills the chicken. The chicken is plucked, cooked and served... It is like Spicy Orange Chicken only different.

This would be like going to Fudruckers, if the famous raw meat burger joint with odd name that could be a curse word or a new sexual position in Germany, was at a farm. You would go to your table in the field. The farmer would walk some cows up to you. You would pick the least fat, yet most muscular cow and with the nicest fur pattern in case you get cold during the meal they can make you a nice jacket and hat. So you have picked your cow... The farmer, at your table or near - blood spray can totally ruin a meal - shoots the cow in the head and they drag him/her away for slaughter... 30 minutes later you have a fresh burger and all the cows are thinking is, "these people never pick chicken, it is on the menu.... come on man!"

Back to Snake Bite Chicken, oddly enough a new band that is not playing in China - they are from Canada - no snakes, chicken or biting in their act - it would be like Ozzie and the Jonas Brothers coming together - all the fun names, none of the action....

To the dinner that is taking China by storm... Although nobody has been poisoned, this at the very least is an irregular way of slaughtering poultry. Too be honest more people have been poisoned by bad Chinese food here in the US. Don't be too shocked by this menu option, in parts of China fresh monkey brain is available (the monkey is alive, get a hammer and crack open the skull to spoon out the warm brain fresh - full circle party people - monkey story from Monday to this and now you know why the monkeys are so pissed and why they want to take over the world - yep.com to have fresh people brain).

Snake Bite Chicken
Fresh Monkey Brain
Formerly Barking Dog

All items on a menu in China... All great band names... Happy Hump Day - enjoy lunch

Red Bull, God, Hong Kong, Trump

Red Bull, found in Hong Kong - China (yes our friends that have poisoned Mattel cars with lead paint and loaded our dog food with bits of glass and poison), was found to be laced with Satan's dandruff!

First, I think it is safe to say that someone in China loaded the drink with cocaine... For one special day they stopped loading 8balls up their nose, quite cutting themselves, took some time to clean up their dirty heroine needle and came up with an idea - an idea just as bad as booze and Red Bull (I make enough bad decisions when I drunk and tired, the last thing I need is to be wide awake and hammered)..... One of these days Alice, POW right to the moon.... OR, Red Bull and Cocaine! Why have wings when you can get a freaking jet pack!


From the official AP report: Officials at the Centre for Food Safety said a laboratory analysis found tiny amounts of the illegal drug in samples of "Red Bull Cola," "Red Bull Sugar-free" and "Red Bull Energy Drink", a spokesman said.

I have to believe that nothing is truly "official" in China. We all use the products they send over to the US - some are great and some, well some kill us... The Food Safety officials skipped plenty of classes to illegally burn and watch the first 3 seasons of 227 - hence the Mattel lead paint fiasco.

Red Bull moved quickly to deny the findings and said independent tests on the same batch of drinks had found no traces of cocaine. Red Bull also hired the dirty devil gypsy from the hit movie Drag Me To Hell and cursed the Chinese, making sure that MSG gave them headaches and that dog tasted like chicken.... Revenge is so sweet

Two prayers where lifted up to sweet Baby Jesus after this news broke - one from Red Bull officials and one from coke heads in Hong Kong.....

Red Bull prayer - oh sweet bearded one in the sky, the greatness that gave us Christmas and Hanukkah. The greatness that helped us create Red Bull, botox (my wife's face looks soooo smooth), the super lotto (even though I keep loosing) and cocaine - but only when it was legal in the 70's and when it was cool - now that I know that coke is more then an a fun carbonated drink that can dissolve nails and meat but also a fun white powder that you can blast up your nose that every time I buy supports Colombians and terrorists, well great leader of the galactic I have decided to stop using coke - Hence, please help me let the people know that I, we, did not load up the Red Bull with cocaine.... Thanks, your friend and part timer - Bob


Coke prayer - Please, please, please keep it on the shelves until I can buy a case... Come on man, I never ask you for anything... Minus the new liver, new nose, that fun bunny tattoo, the extra cock piercing and the ability to fly.. FYI big guy, only got a couple of those so you owe me a case of cocaine laced Red Bull so make it happen!

Seeing how both people praying believe in God, both will be able to celebrate Christmas, just one more bonus for loving the good Lord above... The cool thing, with God having nothing to do except answer our prayers (picking choosing of course) and reenacting Tron with his angels, he/she partially answered both prayers. I can't tell you the details that was part of the deal in the prayer that I had.... Nothing like successful bartering with a supreme being that can create and end life - totally makes sense..... About as much sense as working part time as a hooker to land some Nyquil or Listerene to stay all boozed up (hey both are cheaper than cocaine laced Red Bull from Hong Kong, now 55 USD a case on EBay).

If only I lived a simple problem free life like Donald Trump - minus the bad hair, horrible TV show, the fact that Rosie can kick his ass, losing his billion dollar status and wondering when his 9th hot young wife will leave him for the pool guy taking a couple hundred million... Past that, worry free life, the life I want to live.... If not Trump then Space Ace, but that is a different blog

Happy Tuesday

Chuck Heston... I kissed an ape and I liked it...

It started with a man that loves guns, hated apes and then kissed an ape (Sing that song Katy Perry - we all kiss girls and like it but apes??? Really - make that a hit and have it be the intro to a day of planet of the apes.... I am just saying...)... From there it all goes downhill.

I woke up this morning to read this headline from the OC Register: Life with a helper monkey. My first thought - Nope.com. My second thought - the monkey owner will be killed soon. Question me on my second thought? You can't - I have seen Monkey Shines, have you? That little monkey, like all monkeys that jerk off all day - throw poo - swing from trees - and eat crap out of other monkey's hair are evil....

Here is the breakdown of Monkey Shines: Quadriplegic law student Allan Mann (Jason Beghe) gets in-home care from Ella, a super smart monkey injected with human brain tissue. With Ella running errands and fetching objects, it's a dynamite relationship ; until she starts anticipating Allan's thoughts and acting out his subconscious desires and then tries to kill him and everyone in his life....

Now let's compare that to the following news story:

1. A La Habra man enjoys independence through the tiny, hairy hands of a monkey.

2. The DVD Craig Cook was watching, "Band of Brothers," was good. All the evening needed was popcorn. But the microwave popcorn was on the top of the fridge, unpopped. And for Cook – a quadriplegic with limited use of his arms since a 1996 auto accident – it was an out-of-reach challenge. It wasn't for Minnie. The 5.5 pound Capuchin monkey, following Cook's commands, got the box down, opened the microwave and closed it again so Cook could push buttons to start the corn popping. (what they don't write down is that the monkey is as strong as the Hulk - that littel 5.5 pound monkey is territorial and can crush a mans skull or rip his jaw bone off. Think about that... now read on).

3. Before Minnie, Cook relied more on paid caregivers and family or neighbors. Now, if his blood sugar dips or he needs something to eat, or his meds aren't in reach, he doesn't have to call for help – he has the help of a tiny, middle-age monkey.

4. As long as the monkeys stay in good health many stay with their people until they die, Cook says. If the monkey outlives its human, or if the person can't care for the money, the monkey returns to Helping Hands (or the monkey is returned after killing the person they should have been taking care of).

Now I am just waiting for this guy to be murdered by his monkey...

The reality is that monkeys and apes seem a lot like us and like the robots of Terminator they seem like they will be helping us until they turn on us and kill us dead. We took their world from them and to be honest, they want it back. Monkeys and apes want a world where throwing poo is cool and accepted; where diapers are banned; where dressing them like a clown is illegal; where eating a banana is cool and being given banana bread is not cool; where Planet of the Apes is not a movie but reality.... As long as we keep trusting them, they will keep slowly taking over the world, one dead quadriplegic at a time....

And a side note for you "older" people or those of you that can't have kids but want a monkey baby... Yes you! Stop right now. We all caught the 20/20 where the lady was attacked, the guy got his balls and jaw ripped off (that is how smart they are people - rip off the jaw and you can't yell for help, rip off the balls and you can't reproduce.... big thinkers, even if they can't build bombs, homes, cook dinner, drive cars, talk, advance technology in any way shape or form, etc.) and all the other videos on YouTube - they are coming for you. Sure you can rip their little teeth out so they don't "bite" you and you can trim their nails so they don't scratch your eyes out, sure you can put them in dresses or tuxedos but you can't take their evil desire to rule the world out of their head or hands... You just can't so stop trying....

The apes and monkeys, like the evil aliens from the hit TV show V, are coming and those that are close with them will die first!

Happy Monkey Hunting Monday!