You messed up again...

If you read this blog then you know that I love relationship advice columns. I stepped away from picking on the advice columnists for a bit but after reading this gem I had to jump back in and have a little fun...

We all know that relationships can be tough, they can also be fun - I guess it depends on how you look at them or where your relationship is at. They can start hot n heavy or awkward. Then there is the best behavior bit - no blind drunk messes, no eating without your hands, no farting (ladies you have to stop blaming the dogs we know it is natural for some hot air from your insides to blow past a ripe turd and exit... just light a match and we are cool with it), no burping, no morning breath, etc.... After a few months, those curtains start to unravel and you begin to see shadows of the real person - showering once a week, pulling out the bedazzler, cutting their hair with a flowbee, not brushing their teeth and of course moving from romance to hotness of "so is it like naked time yet??" We have all been there....

Men are the Notorious BIG (may all of him, all 500 lbs, rest in peace) when it comes to making relationship blunders during every phase of a relationship and you ladies have been kind enough to accept that fact and work with us, I mean change us or try to change us. FYI - a finger and a bowl of 7 layer dip is an award winning breakfast... Try it before you mock it.... But for those of you that don't want to make these blunders I offer you some rewashed advice no matter if you're just getting started in a relationship, or part of a long-term affair -- get out the pen and paper (or you could just print it!). You'll want to keep track of these tips - probably not... If you do please email me and let me know it all panned out for you skippy...

Coming in at number 1: The power trip....

Guys, and not just the BDSM guys, usually in an effort to please the woman (and who wants to do that - she is just arm candy right?) get into trouble when they allow a woman to have too all of the control in a relationship. First we let them drink, then we let them vote and now you let them decide when you go out; when you have sex; which friends you can keep; and may even decide what color slacks you should wear to a party. You have been dressing yourself like crap for years - what makes her in all of her fashion sense (reading Cosmo everyday while binging and purging) that she might actually know that brown and black don't go together... Come on, field and stream offer fashion advice - orange and camo are the perfect combo... No let's go honey, happy hour at Hooters is not going to last all night long.....

Coming in at number 2: Believing that the good you do today will last until tomorrow...

Dating a woman these days is like playing in the NFL. It is the what have you done for me lately. Especially if she is hot. Women have short memories - they have a smaller brain then men and their memory center is half the size of ours. It is not their fault, it is Baby Jesus' fault, he built their tiny brains - those tiny brains that brought us to a world of sin. So while flowers and candy mean that you love her today -- tomorrow is a new day and a new chance for you to start all over again. Bottom line, keeping a lady is expensive so save up or date a poor girl. Poor girls like gifts like gum (they can't afford toothpaste), Altoids, lingerie from Sears and the sex appeal of taking them through the drive through at Burger King where she can have it her way.... And guys, remember this is a two way street - flowers equal court side tickets to a bball game or a night where she cooks and cleans for you..... Let her know, keep it real and stay strong...

And finally number 3: Choosing a woman based on appearance alone....

First poor girls are only cute in the movies... Like hookers are only cute in the movies. Julia Roberts does not work a corner in Hollywood - bottom line. Hugh Grant tried and we know what he ended up with... Physical attraction is extremely important, but with the ultra hot comes the ultra crazy... You need to find a dumb hot girl... She can't know she is pretty. And when people tell her, let her know she could look better. That way she never knows how pretty she is. Oh and break into her house and break all her mirrors. Trust me, it works - tell her that her mirrors broke out of fear of looking back at her. Then tell her you only see her heart and mind... Jedi mind trick - you win and keep the hot girl without really working at it. Minus the B&E and vandalism...

In conclusion:

If you relate to any of this, any at all, then I need you, yes you, to go outside and take a long walk off a short and high ledge.... For those of you that now hate me and are leaving in disgust - chill out it is a joke... Maybe not funny to you, but funny to me... Remember, all of this was taken from a relationship advice column. Did I elaborate, of course.... But just for the taste of it, just for the Diet Coke....

Happy Friday

Zombies....

"There is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "i" in meat pie. Meat is the anagram of team..." That quote leads too -

Parasitic flies turning fire ants into zombies.... Yes party people, Zombies. Fire Ants wander aimlessly away from the mound. Eventually their heads fall off, and they die. As we all know this is God's way, and the only way, to kill a Zombie...

Even news reporter have stated, "In extreme circumstances, the assailants can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain. I will repeat that: by removing the head or destroying the brain."

Back to the Zombie Fire Ants (we are one bite away from human Zombies) and how they become Zombies... The parasitic flies "dive-bomb" the fire ants and lay eggs. The maggot that hatches inside the ant eats away at the brain - just like the Star Trek film, Wrath of Kahn where the worm is dropped into the guys ear and then the worm eats away at his brain - except these are flies that dive bomb and lay eggs so they are way more dangerous... Anyways, the eggs mature and start munching on the brain, the ants brain is eaten up like the buffett at a classy Sizzler and then the ant starts exhibiting what some might say is zombie-like behavior. Then in an act of the good Lord above the ants head falls off.

The whole process takes a month and like a scene out of Alien, the head falls off to birth a new parasitic fly ready to bread more Zombies! Sadly this is as real as it gets.. Start swatting flies and stepping on ants.

Zombie Fire Ants have been studied in Texas since 1999. Bush was the legislator that passed the bill to study and create Zombie Fire Ants (real non-walking dead Fire Ants cost the state over 1 billion a year). This makes me wonder, come on you where thinking this as soon as you read the word Texas... Did Bush get bit by a Zombie Fire Ant before its head fell off? The answer MUST be maybe with a strong lean towards yes... When his head falls off and a giant, evil bug comes flying out spreading its spawn - baby maggots crawling into your ear making you a Bush like Zombie - well you can, before the larva start to eat your brain, remember this blog and think, "smart guy and handsome...."

A quote from one of the greatest Zombie movies of all time - Shaun of the Dead. "Mum, what if I told you that on several occasions, he touched me. That was made up, not true, shouldn't have said that."

Happy Thursday

Just take a bite!

A special thanks to a very special female apple eater in Vegas..... Without her this blog would not have happened....

Why is the apple the forbidden fruit? The apple does so much - wakes you up in the morning more effectively than 19 dollar Starbucks triple shot, non fat milk, Valium laced, double spiced, chia latte.

According to fun quotes that moms say, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away."

The apple is also loaded with water. You can get a glass of water, one of your 8 servings, by eating an apple....

So what do we focus on the apple as the forbidden fruit? We can start with a special thanks to a priest from hundreds of years ago that read the bible wrong - reading celibate, when it clearly reads celebrate.... But was the apple the fruit that changed everything? Genesis doesn't mention apples (strike one to all the apple haters - fyi Genesis does mention that Eve was the first to sin - thanks ladies. You sin back then and all of a sudden we are the dirt bags and you are the angels.... Nice PR move). More significantly, in the Song of Solomon the apple is an erotic symbol indicating sweetness, desire, and the female breast (apples come in all different shapes and sizes kids - true that, double true). So as the metaphor plays out and priests are stuck keeping it in their pants... Well, the poor apple gets a bad name and locked down in more ways than one....

If not the apple than what fruit. Let me give a list, sure these fruits are not compared to breasts, buttocks or the VaJayJay (thanks Oprah) but they are all a bit guilty in my eyes, some more than others:

• Fig me one time. minus the newton... Why? Why not suckers... because the next verse mentions sewing together fig leaves to make loincloths.. Now eat your fig newton you big, fat, dirty sinner! And cover yourself....
• Grapes, which later cause trouble for Noah and his monkeys, and are known to cause some boozieness with those that love the vino - triple sin score on this fruit (I still love you grapes, even with your wrath)
• the citron -oddly enough not the vodka flavor but should have been, a lemon like fruit which in Hebrew is etrog, a pun on ragag, "desire" - if it had a closer play to vodka, I would call it guilty as charged... Then you get to watch Red Dawn and blame the Russians for everything...

Some questions/thoughts for those of you with more faith than me:

In the Genesis story as it pertains to sin - if Adam and Eve had no knowledge of right and wrong before eating the fruit, how would they know disobedience was wrong?

Knowledge of sex. The first thing Adam and Eve do after their snack is realize they're naked. Why is sex wrong, especially with Adam and Eve?

Think about it.... Now go buy an apple, a big red apple - bit into it and let the juice spray all over you..... Apples are so sweet, tasty and Tony the Tiger Grrrrrreeeaaaaattttt for you!

I vote figs as the guilty fruit.

Skinny jeans and blind dates

What not to wear and what To Do on blind dates.....

Fashion may not kill but it sure can hurt a woman... Ladies, it is time to put away your skinny jeans. A new medical report states that skinny jeans can cause meralgia paresthetica. Or as the Germans call it - the bad leg on the bad foot. Women are wearing their skinny jeans too tight creating meralgia paresthetica or as guys in bars call it muffin top! Muffin top stops blood flow to you legs and pushes your skin over the top of your skinny jeans. The danger for the ladies - you can loose your legs. The danger for guys looking - they may barf up their lunch. The guys may enjoy that feeling and then an epidemic starts where men become bulimic launching their lunch after a Spears Esq muffin top with stringy thong bumps on by. Of course this leads to men creating and requesting more skinny jeans - tighter skinny jeans - new colors - new cuts... More bulimia.

The solution: women wear jeans that fit....

Let's stop the muffin top now, not later....

While on the topic of skinny jeans - fellas.... STOP right now. Dude muffin top is way worse than lady muffin top. No one, I mean no one, ever needs to see a guy in skinny jeans...

Rocking skinny jeans. Rocking blind dates. What do they both have in common - they deserve the murder button!

BZZZZZZ Murder.... BBBBZZZZZZZZ Murder......

Got a blind date? Then I have some advice for you. First, put on your skinny jeans... Now read the following 5 winning blind date tips....

1. Show up late. Nothing says - order for me and make sure my drink is ready like being 20 to 30 minutes late. It also shows how desperate your date may be. If he/she sticks around for the late arrival either you are super hot or they are super desperate. You own a mirror and so you know - they are desperate...

2. Show up drunk. Nothing says, I am having fun on a blind date like being blind drunk. WARNING: when showing up blind drunk, show up with a friend as well. I don't want anything bad happening to you - it is a blind date....

3. Sharing is caring. Open up like a damn dumping water.... Like a reality show star in a private booth. Let them know your fears, your passions, your pain and what you want from a marriage.

4. Double book. Do drinks with one blind date and then dinner with another. This keeps you on a time line and ensures that you show up drunk to one of blind dates and that ensures you will share too much.... Free drinks, free food and you kill 2 birds with one stone... I smell a winner...

5. Just leave. You are already drunk and in your skinny jeans. You really want your bed and a movie - not more dinner, though you do enjoy all the talking you are doing. So stand up, offer up a hi5 and then just walk out... Don't sneak out. Walk out. It was socially acceptable to do this in Roman times and in the late 1940's - what was good enough from Jesus and Grandma is good enough for you.... Not that Jesus went on blind dates - he is the son of God... No such thing as a blind date with an all knowing being.... FYI - that is why Vegas came after Jesus left. Jesus would have went to Sin City and saved it, while bankrupting the city and giving all the money back to the poor... But that is a different story...

Bring the love, burning the skinny jeans....

3 great movies you missed....

Three movies you should be thinking about today -

Quicksilver, a movie about Jack Casey (Kevin Bacon) is a stock market dynamo -- until one day when he makes a decision that completely destroys his professional prospects. His next gig? He becomes a New York City bike messenger and soon falls for a colleague, Terri (Jami Gertz). Buoyed by love, Casey wants to put his life back on track … He is Kevin Bacon so you know he does.

Quicksilver will not remind of the famed surf brand. But with all the cool 10 speed tricks it will get you in the game for another great pedal power movie that offers great colors, cool tricks and a Hell Track!

Drum roll please: RAD! Not just a word that has gone the way of the Dodo bird, oh no my friends - RAD is one of the great movies on all time. RAD is the story of Cru Jones, a young man who must overcome all obstacles that prevent him from participating in the BMX race "Helltrack." Cru uses his bike, helmet and padded crotch bar to help him achieve his goals. As he works towards his dream, Cru falls in love with Christian, an amateur racer, and a 1980's hottie. With the help of Christian and her friends, Cru's "Rad Racing Team" defeats the top BMX factory rider, Bart Taylor...

More importantly Hollywood takes a word, turns it into a movie and then adds neon colors (clothes, bikes, that crazy sunblock from the 80's and hyper color shirts - people like me that run hot hated these hip shirts a green shirt with orange pits is just not cool man...), mag wheels and the ability to jump and bump over anything as long as you have two wheels and heart....

The neon, the funky fresh we believe attitude and the neon got Hollywood all excited and that led to another great film.... A film that will make you feel like dancing, so you can dance the night away.... Bad hair, parachute pants, moon walking and the robot where all bundled up and together like fine blended wine to create, Break'n! 2, Electric Boogaloo (I skipped Break'n because I like typing Boogaloo. Deal with it).

The story of a neighborhood in danger once again when a cruel entrepreneur announces plans to raze an urban community center and replace it with a shopping mall. All the local break dancers rally to raise the $200,000 needed to save it, Ozone (Adolfo Quinones) and Kelly (Lucinda Dickey) continue their relationship. Meanwhile, Turbo (Michael Chambers) uses his charm and heart-stopping moves to win over a lovely, Spanish-speaking girl.

This movie, based on a true story shows that break dancing is an effective as the anti drug urinal cakes. The ones you find is eateries, bars, etc. Every great success story of a person getting off drugs starts with them looking down at a urinal cake and thinking - finally I have found the truth. Finally I have seen the light. Finally, well after they get done peeing, they promise themselves and the urinal cake that they will get off drugs and back on life... Sometimes, and let's be honest they are usually high as a kite and hammered, in their excitement from the urine cake revelation, they start moving before they are done... We call them pee pants. The shame usually puts them right back on drugs - nice work making fun of a person trying to clean their life up...

So there you have three great movies you need to watch or watch again... Don't forget that urinal cakes save lives... Motivational posters never work... The movie Mannequin is based on a true story.... And, Red Dawn really happened...

Monday Funday