Hey dad, got this just for you....

Father's Day is right around the corner and that means time to start shopping for dad....   Here are 5 things that are a sure fire win for dad this year...  

You are busy so go shopping so... coming in at number 1:  Make it!

Dad's love nothing better than a homemade book of IOU coupons....  15 minute back rub (btw - if you are over the age of 10 the back rub coupon is just creepy, unless you live in the south); free shoe shine; cleaning of the BBQ; walking the dog and of course a week of taking out the trash...  

You are up late, it's Friday night and they offer free FedEx shipping... coming in at number 2:  As seen on TV.

Don't believe me?  Walk into Dad's gun room or den... Now look on the walls.  One of three things, if not all of these three items will be there...  An animal head.  Dog's playing poker.  That stupid bass that sings a song every time you walk past it (nice job, the bass is singing and you just woke up the old man)...  Now go turn on the TV, preferably USA Network or Bravo and wait for commercials and then let your magic fingers do the dialing...  Some ideas for dad:  The Comfort Wipe (see Jane Wells' blog at CNBC on this great gift idea), the auto hanger, the big city slider station (let's dad cook it up and gets mom out of the kitchen for a day - don't worry mom, you can still do all the clean up)... 

You love dad and want to see him for the next 30 years, so coming in at number 3:  Keeping dad busy...

Are dad's dockers a bit too tight?  Does dad have reverse ass (where his gut grows but his butt shrinks)?  Dad needs some gym equipment.  Don't worry I am not here to push the Bow Flex that is expensive.  I am thinking more like an exercise ball or a jump rope - tell him it training Rocky Balboa style...  If all else fails, get a tune up on the old lawn mower and tell dad that pushing the mower works the lats, tris and chest well making the lawn look great and keeping the neighbors jealous...

Time to tie it down, coming it at number 4:  The work tie....

Dad's love nothing better than coming into work the next day with his new Mickey Mouse tie... Jazz it up and get a tie that fits a theme that dad loves to ensure he will never do it again.... Perhaps a tie of lures and fish, or boats, maybe even something super classy like a Scrabble tie...  All of them are winners....

And finally coming in at number 5:  The best a man can get...

Nothing says dad I love you and mom don't worry he won't cheat on you like a nice bottle of Old English or Stetson - the best a man can get...  Dad's want to smell good and their secretary wants to smell them coming to avoid the all to often butt slap (hey at the local insurance agency sexual harassment is never taught)...  So get dad something that will keep him out of trouble - cologne from Kmart...

5 great gift ideas, all doable by Sunday.. So get your crayon out and make it, turn the TV on and shop, tie it up for some fun, smell it up or get him in shape - let dad know that round is a shape but flat is a better shape..  

No, thank you...

First an update. The wonderful kids at PETA, being a day late and dollar short finally put out release on Obama killing the fly... I could have used that yesterday PETA...

To the rescue today, my friends in FL... The land of Disney World, strip malls, Elian Gonzalez and gator bait has come strong with a new notch in the old bed post... If you work for the city of Brooksville, FL you have to use deodorant and rock underwear...

First, come on people of Brooksville, why do you have to be told not to show plumber crack and not smell?

Second, let's look at the statement from the Brooksville city council - "The city council in Brooksville, just north of Tampa, recently approved a dress code that instructs employees to observe "strict personal hygiene." How can you call underwear and deodorant "strict personal hygiene?" Isn't that a starter kit for personal hygiene, next to combing your hair and brushing your teeth. Next thing you know city employees will have to wash their hands after they use the restroom - erroneous!

Continuing to lay down the hygiene law the city also noted the following: The new dress code prohibits exposed underwear (so you have to wear it but can't show that you are wearing it making it harder than ever to prove that you are wearing it), clothing with foul language, "sexually provocative" clothes (that if you could wear would show that you are wearing underwear) and piercings anywhere except the ears.

Oddly enough not one rule about muffin tops or requiring that employees buy clothes that fit.

The mayor of Brooksville was the only apposing vote on the new city ordinance... In a statement to the press he said the underwear edict "takes away freedom of choice."

Ahhh the freedom of choice. The choice to be a city worker and rock the t-shirt that says, Mean People Suck, Nice People Swallow.... The freedom to wear white pants on a hot day without underwear when there is 80% humidity.... The freedom to flash your dental floss and your 9 nose piercings.... The freedom to go natural in your smell and look... The freedom to wear a short skirt and long jacket, underwear optional.... If we lose this freedom than what is next? Will we lose the freedom to take unlimited bathroom breaks? The freedom to watch TV on our computers during work hours - thanks HULU.... The freedom to take extra long lunch breaks, come in late and leave early? The people of Brooksville have to be stopped...

Side note, exactly what where city workers wearing that made this come to the attention of the city council, mandating a change in rules and procedures?

Oddly enough the mayor does not address the freedom of choice as it pertains to the place you chose to work for....

What to write about

Today is a tough day for some reason... My mind is blank. Not enough sleep and not enough random news....



I have started and stopped this blog 4 times....



I was going to write about the frozen Puerto Rico, aka Alaska.... Weird laws, Sarah Palin, knocked up teenagers and oil.... Just was not feeling it... Plus Palin could ban me from Alaska - a land we stole fair and square...



Then I was going to write about a naked burglar. A guy in Golden, CO broke into a house naked and then another home naked - that is 2 homes, one naked guy if you are keeping score at home... Is there a better disguise than naked? Probably not... Almost as good as my school colors - clear.... Made the wrestling team hard to watch but our cheer team took state all 4 years I was there. Oddly enough the naked burglar's blood came back drug free... Calling the funny farm, a stealing nudist is on his way... Where will he hide what he has stolen... More importantly do you want what he stole back?



The naked burglar just did not flow for me... Then I read in Glamour an article on what guys say and what they really mean. Snoozer. I can only make fun of women's magazines so often.... Oh he said he would call you but what he really means is that either you look fat in your jeans or he wants to give you herpes... Come one. If women keep reading these magazines the world as we know it will come to an end and our next president will be Tyra, dual personality, Banks...



So what should I write then? The teen texting champion that won 50k? Probably not. If she could text, drive and vote then maybe but just texting - nah....



How about the puppy that was treated like a turd and flushed down the toilet only to be saved by a plumber... If Michael Vick was still in the news that would be a big yes, but today it is a not even a maybe...



Obama killing a fly? Can't, PETA won't respond. If they did respond we might have something. I would like them to respond.... Maybe drop a dime to the White House saying something like the following:



Baby and adult fly corpses are littering the oval office thanks to the hands that rule the free world. 09's slaughter of the buzzing innocent has only just begun... We need to be strong and vigilent in fighting Obama, telling him he can no longer kill the innocent. Fly season is just starting and flies are an important part to our fragile and beautiful eco system.... Say what you will about Bush, but he never killed fly - just Innocent people around the world.... It is okay to kill people but animals and bugs - I say good day sir, I say good day! It is clear that the Obama fly slaughter has gone from funny to tragic in hours thanks to all the loyal PETA followers and lfy lovers around the world. Murder is murder Obama and you sir, you have murdered a friend, a buddy, a pal to the world - the fly. So sorry the fly does not the PR wizardry of baby seals or puppies - nonetheless that does not give you or anyone the right to kill them.... When you lead the free you must let all things live freely, including our buzzing buddies the fly.... There is only one way to rectify this injustice to the flies all around America - leave your post as president. Al Gore would have never killed a fly. PETA unite to bring down Obama and bring in the bore known as the Gore...



Something like that.... PETA you get my drift...



So that is my blog today.... A bunch of what I could have written on but just could not find the inspiration... Got an idea for what I should write on? Let me know...



Happy Hump Day

I have a secret

Men have a secret and no it is not strong enough for a man but made for a woman... That is some girly pit stick - our secret or should I write secrets are are more protected than Bush Jr. when he was in Skull N Bones....

But like a disgruntled member of Mason's I am going to spill the beans on what men hold near and dear - our secrets... I am pulling back the thick black velvet curtain, opening up the safe and sharing the code.....

Coming in at number 1: We notice what you're wearing. But oddly enough never a hair cut -

That written, can you please rock an outfit that fits what we are doing, please... If we are going on a hike perhaps you don't rock booty shorts and high heels.... It goes like this: hikes, sporting events, BBQ's and going to the ocean do not require heals, pearls, short skirts or low cut blouses.... However, dinner with my parents requires short skirt, pearls, super high heals, a low cut shirt with no bra and commando... Before you get dressed do the math or call us... We notice, we care...

Number 2: We hate when you try too hard to be one of the guys.

We love playing "tackle football" with you, but that is in private and never ever bring up that you sacked the quarterback - somethings are more private than counseling sessions. Maybe, just maybe you should make us snacks, pre-order the fight, bring your cute lady friends over as eye candy for my buddies and then - wait for it, wait for it.... hush pretty lady don't say a word.... No seriously, we can talk about your new 9 layer dip after the game... Thanks... Oh and tell your girlfriends to keep it down... Hi-5 babe! Nice work...

Side note: This is revealing stuff ladies.... I am breaking guy code here. I could get a slap in the groin for this... Sharing is caring, on to number 3...

Number 3: This one is going to shock you so please sit down.... Okay good, now take a breath and don't drink anything when reading this. We are afraid of commitment.

I know, you come over and all you see is bridal magazines, pamphlets for why it is great to live in Mississippi, the latest issue of Seventeen, the latest from Bed, Bath and Beyond and Pottery Barn.... It all screams relationships and commitment, but that is all a cover.... We are scared of commitment. Why you ask? Well because every time we commit to you or another woman, some super hot lady hits on us.... Then we feel like we could have had her but we are stuck with you, not that being stuck with you is bad but it is... I know it is mean but it is true. Our goal is to build better people not average or below average - that is looks and intelligence and we are always the ugly ones in the relationship so we have to over compensate. This is why two short people can never marry - you don't want to breed down and create Shetland people - not that there is not a place in this world for short people, I sure there is but as a tall person I am tired of reaching up and grabbing stuff for the little people.

Coming in at number 4: Getting too tipsy on a date is a turnoff.

Ha, ha, ha - that is a lie we love it when you get drunk, fall off your bar stool and puke in your hair. Why? Because we are afraid of commitment and need an exit strategy - you being a blind drunk - a drinking and puking mess is the perfect exit strategy. So drink up butter cup. Put some Vodka in your coffee - you can't even smell that stuff on your breath.... So sexy....

And finally, coming in at number 5: We get jealous because we're insecure.

We act jealous to keep you on your toes. We are scared of commitment, remember? You talking too long to another guy is almost better then being a boozer. There is a stress when being with a boozer - some will frown on you if you leave her in your time of need. But if she is out flirting while you are being an honest Abe - check please. We are out of there.... And out guilt free.

5 secrets. 5 special notes for you special ladies. Now you know a bit more about us...Sharing is caring.... Happy Tuesday.

Jason

Brown.... you'll get it in a minute

If its yellow let it mellow, if its brown flush it down... If you in England, you flush it down and turn it into power....

First the Brits came up with bad teeth and solar roof tiles. Even in a land where the sun only shines twice a year and where dentists go broke, the solar roof tiles proved more popular than braces or teeth whitener. Those that use the solar roof tiles harness so much energy that they sell back extra energy to the local power company...

The Brits did not stop with solar roof panels, the have gone the extra mile using the power of poo. In a UK first, the two companies plan to turn a by-product of the waste water treatment plant (a bunch of fancy talk for poop) at Davyhulme in Manchester, northwest England into gas for the local network and fuel for a fleet of sludge tankers. The effort is two fold - 1. to minimize the countries eco footprint; 2. the Brits want to change their image from bad teeth to smelling like a fart, a fart that keeps your lights on, your beer cold and your bangers and mash warm.

In the world of eco footprints the Brits are men (inventive earth lovers) and Americans are women (wasteful earth haters). Many people would drop a bomb like this and then come at you with 10 reasons why men are more eco friendly than women.... You don't have the time to read 10 reasons and I don't have time to write 10. So I will give you one reason - the only reason I need.

What makes beer, wine, vodka, coffee and red bull great? Give up? One key ingredient - WATER! Without water the hops and barley are all alone in the field just growing for no reason. Without water the grapes are more about the book than one of the greatest miracles recorded - water into wine.... Without water potatoes have no chance of become a Russian temptation we know as vodka. Chew on a coffee bean - yummy; nope.com. Need a little thing called H2O. The can of red bull does not wake you, it is the stuff inside and that stuff needs water to make it happen...

All that written, reason and the only reason needed for why men are more eco friendly than women..... The faucet trick. Yeah, I just wrote that. Ladies here is the skinny - when you go in the restroom to "tinkle" we know... When you blast on the faucet to cover up the sound of your pee hitting the water we know.... What we don't know is what you are trying to hide? We do know that you are waisting water and killing fish.... This is like blaming your fart on the dog or your stinky feet on cheap shoes that "don't breath" when the reality is that you have stinky feet. But you won't use water to wash them off, oh no... but when your pee is looking for an exit strategy the water is flowing full blast in more then one way - wink, wink...

Men on the other hand just pee. Sure we can't aim. And yes we forget to put down the toilet seat. Neither hurting mother earth - FYI.... But, we love the earth so the only water running is coming from us, not the faucet....

Ladies get together as a group and figure something else out to start keeping secret like tampons. How about you stop blasting water when you pee to help save the earth and in turn take the tampon market underground.... And while you burring tampons go ahead and grab the maxi pads and vaginal itch creams too. I would much rather have a cleaner and happier earth with the sounds of tinkling - saving the earth and taking the feminine hygiene commercials off the air for everyones sanity.... Two birds, one stone and a happy earth with plenty of water...

Fair trade - make it happen... Happy Monday