I am not working Friday so today is two for one Thursday. If you want to find me on Friday just come down to Mutts - look at the end of bar and find my smiling face behind a large Trailer Park Ice Tea....

To the blog....

My friends at Ideal Bite (www.idealbite.com - if you don't get their daily tip then stop reading now and go sign up) know the earth is getting hotter. Sure during the winter in Chicago they are called bold faced liars but when the summer heat comes everyone turns to them and asks why? The reality is, the old mother earth is having a people induced hot flash.

If you watch the history channel or national geographic at least once a week you will see a show on how the earth is warming up and the dangers of this included but not limited to: rising sea water, droughts, more intense hurricanes, melting snow caps, colder and harsher winters and climate zones moving... But one fact has been left behind. A fact that is so controversial and so scary that once told people, especially lonely farmers will change their ways.

Side note: it is my opinion after finding out this riveting information that midgets are behind global warming.... You don't believe me know but you will so keep reading.

In a report from lonely Scottish farmers that use button flies not zippers (it will all make sense soon and for the rest of you - stop laughing and keep reading), the soft and fluffy sheep of the grass lands are shrinking like the polar ice caps... The finding offers unusual proof that large animals are already evolving to adapt to changes wrought by climate change - most notably, sheep.

A long, long time ago sheep used to be larger. Sheep, much like guard dogs, where used to corral and keep midgets at the circus. Then the midgets got their hands on hair spray cans and gas engines... The warming of the planet completes the puzzle...

All speculation of course (yeah right and if you don't believe this then you don't believe that Elvis and Michael Jackson are making pizza's in Peru for Marilyn Monroe - odd how I have to use a first and last name for everyone but Elvis, he was that famous..... that is cool).

The science people said the following: German biologist Christian Bergmann observed in 1847 that as members of a species migrate to higher latitudes with colder temperatures, their body size tends to increase. He speculated that larger bodies helped animals conserve heat by reducing their surface area relative to their volume.

The study concluded that, on average, 1-year-old sheep now weigh 3.3 ounces less than they did in 1985. They attributed the decline to shorter, milder winters that allowed grass to grow later into the year. As a result, sheep can make it through the coldest months with fewer fat reserves, so more lambs born to young mothers survive in spite of their small size.

First Shetland people now Shetland sheep.... Smaller sheep also make for angry farmers/sheep herders. Smaller sheep are harder to ugh, how should I put this..... It is harder to help a little sheep over the fence - wink, wink, nudge, nudge... Big sheep are easier to corner. This is why the sheep was always a popular friend to the farmer while the chicken was not - hard to catch, mean and pecky....

The skinny is this - if you don't want midgets riding into your town on mini sheep (BTW - mini sheep means mini clothes - sheep's wool can only go so far when coming from mini sheep. It now takes 4 mini sheep to make a double XL shirt - think about that while you drink your bottled water and use your Aqua Net while driving down the freeway in your Hummer) taking over your world than you better start making some lifestyle changes... Small changes are fine... But changes are mandatory...

Happy 4th Party People

Your Ego - Your Relationship

To be able to truly love yourself and love someone else, you must build, mature and grow your ego. This is absolutely essential to finding an amazing relationship. It's equally critical to maintaining and continually improving a relationship once you're already in it. Your ego needs to be the foundation to your relationship - the building blocks. The house that is built on an ego is like a house built on a rock - just like the biblical parable.

Let's look at how your ego can and will help your relationship....

Coming in at number 1: Your ego is on guard duty

Defend yourself - let your ego be the Jean Claude Van Damme of your heart. Listen to your ego during fights and defend your heart - spinning back kick, superman punch, karate chop! Just know that when your ego defends you in a fight you are defending yourself and letting your significant others know that you are better than them... Good job

Coming in at number 2: Your ego is stuck to you

To love yourself and someone else completely, you must bring in your ego. It is your own personal threesome.... Love runs three ways - you, your ego and your significant other. It is easy to just love yourself and someone else, forgetting your ego. But to love all three - that is the kind of love that Oprah and Dr. Phil dream of and write about - if the could write something so eloquent and beautiful that a sunrise could not compare...

Coming in at number 3: Feedback to your ego

The truth is if someone loves you and your ego - after all your ego and you love them - they will not have any feedback to give you. They love you right? So zip it - Shut your pie hole - Shut your mouth.... Giving feedback to someone is like talking during The Godfather or wearing sunglasses at night - just not cool...

Coming in at number 4: Keep it active, work it out

Like a great workout you have to continually workout your ego to ensure a healthy relationship with yourself and that special someone in your life.... You want your relationship to go to the next level - well you need fuel and your ego is just the fuel. As the relationship grows your special someone will know and find their place in the three way known as your relationship and that architecture should be as follows: you, your ego, that person you like... If they don't see that then they are not the one for you...

There you go, 4 tips on how you and your ego can find and keep the love of your life.... Happy dating. If you keep taking my advice it could get very interesting...

Ace the interview...

The housing and auto market are in toilet still, consumer confidence is down (that is your fault - you gotta spend people, the more you spend the higher confidence goes up so spend some money party people) and the unemployment rate is still on the rise. But you didn't come here for bad news you came here for real world solutions and I am here to help...

So for hump day we are going to tackle how to answer tough interview questions. You may be looking for a job or if you are lucky and really good, you may be getting ready for an interview... You may have a job but want a different job... No matter your situation this blog is for you.... Use it tomorrow or in the near future....

Of course, there are no right or wrong answers, ha if you agreed with that statement you just failed your first test. Yes there wrong answers and if anyone tells you different kick them in the junk...

Question number 1: What’s your greatest weakness?

I know the standard answer is giving too much, caring too much, working too hard and of course your constant stutter... Well TTTTTTTimmmmmmyyyyy that is the wrong answer. You need to answer the question with something that does not pertain to the job at hand but something you are working to over come. As an example. My greatest fear is jogging naked. I am working on over coming this, but then I got caught jogging naked next to a grade school - please notice I checked in the application that I have an arrest record. The arrest set me back a bit and now I can't visit my niece or nephew. But that has not stopped me, I am overcoming my fear of jogging naked because I am a winner. Nothing will stand in my way.

Question number 2: So tell me about yourself?

You may think that this will give you a chance to open up, share a bit about you but honestly the person talking to you does not care one bit. Hence I recommend the following answer. Express your love for midgets. Tell the interviewer how you must have a midget friend before you get married so the jockey can ride your bachelor party into the ring of roses... Why midgets? First everyone has a special place in their hearts for midgets. Second, talking up your love for midgets (yeah that just happened) shows that you are sensitive and can and will communicate with anyone in the work place. By question 2 you are a sensitive, midget loving, naked jogger that can't talk to kids... I smell a new job cooking...

Question number 3: Talk about a time you failed and how you recovered.

This is a great time to talk about your time at Shady Acres, when you recovered from you addiction to stealing. Most people would talk about some work issue and how they used FedEx Kinkos to get them out of a jam. Commercials are made about that. But recovery house - 1/2 shows are dedicated to recovery just watch A&E or MTV - even VH1 has shows on recovery like Rock of Love and I Love New York. It is important to let your future employer know that you can recover from any mistake, probably not without the professional help from the people at Shady Acres but that is not the point - the point is, you can and do bounce back.....

And finally question number 4: What changes would you make to our company if you came on board?

This is your time to relive high school. Not the high school when you were an acne covered tool that got his ass kicked each and every day... No my friend this is the time to be the high school president promising things you can never deliver on. No matter what job title. No matter what company. No matter what sector. Offer up the following changes: Columbus day would be an office holiday, not work - show some respect for the man that lead the way to us stealing an entire continent; Talk Like a pirate would be a mandatory dress up day - short skirts and eye patches are required... aaarrrrrrrr; Free beer at the end of everyone' shift (and call it a shift, not a work day but a shift like you are tough blue collar working in the steal industry) giving the employees time to talk shop and recount their day of success; finally - bring an escort to work day all in an effort to pretty up the office with some hot ladies... These are real changes that can and will make a real difference.

Happy Hump Day and call me when you land that job...

What is wrong with you America?

It all started years ago, scientists with their big brains started to unravel the genetic code. With that came studies on how people really feel about the people around them and more importantly what they want per their off spring (not the band but the little sex trophy that always finds a way to scream and crap its pants when on a plane next to me - and the parent always telling me with such reassurance - "little Debbie is never like this, she is usually so quiet." And your bad for giving your 8 month old Indian food last night. Bonus for the talent of being able to change the diaper at your seat without having to get up and go into the restroom. You barely got hot, runny, Indian food infused, baby poop anywhere).

Anyways, people started freaking out because scientists started putting out reports that in the near future you could choose your babies eye color, sex, hair color, etc.... The religious right FREAKED out - we are made in the image of God not the image of Stan the genetic scientist... People in LA FREAKED out as well - finally there is a guarantee that you can have a good looking baby that will have table waiting skills and the ability to act in a local or national commercial with the hopes that they make it onto a FOX sitcom that will last half a season - just enough time where they can get addicted to heroine but not enough time to have the money to fund the addiction making them a dime store hooker hanging out at truck stop bathrooms acting the role of a heroine addict... I mean living the role....

I bring all of this up to say that a new study finds that women are more shallow than men. Yes, you ladies are horrible shallow people and you should be disgusted with yourselves. Wait for it - no get angry with me... OH I am sure this is not you. You are special. Stay mad. Get angry. Now read....

A new study says that moms love pretty babies more than others.

Dropping the horrible, ugly, shallow bomb on you! Let's find out more about the horrible chemical make up that has you ladies hating ugly babies...

During the study, done by Mclean Hospital, 27 volunteers looked at images of babies on a computer screen—some were healthy and some had abnormal facial features. The volunteers could keep the image on the screen longer than the scheduled four seconds, or remove it early.

Volunteers. Ladies, it is even worse that you did not get paid to participate. Horrible - yes. Shallow - yes. Whores - oddly enough, no.... Good for you. And I was going to give you a zero for the day. But, being a cold hearted evil, shallow, ugly baby hating volunteer earns you one point... The study went on to state -

Both men and women kept the attractive babies on the screen, but women tended to shorten the viewing time of abnormal babies.

Honestly, that is because men can find humor in anything. We spent our extra time making fun of the ugly babies bringing laughter and joy into this world. The baby doesn't understand ugly jokes, they just see smiles and hear laughter. But you women, with your dark hateful eyes just shunned the ugly babies..... You ladies can't even find joy in the ugly....

Perhaps you ladies need to take a cue from us men and learn to find humor and joy in everything - even ugly babies....

Tuesday is done!

Bye Billy... Killer Cheetos... Phone tips

Billy Mays, the burly, bearded television pitchman known best for his boisterous voice that you could hear even if your TV was on mute and for hawking a plethora of products such as Orange Glo, OxiClean, Zorbeez, Hurcules Hooks, Swiffer and Mighty Puddy has died. He was 50.

Tampa police said Mays was found unresponsive by his wife Sunday morning. A fire rescue crew pronounced him dead at 7:45 a.m.

Mays moved from boardwalk pitch man to TV superstar, staring in his own reality show - Pitchman. Mays was also a part of several ESPN commercials.

Oddly enough, Vince - famous for his Sham Wow commercials, was not questioned in the death of Mays.

Word from Heaven, Billy Mays is now the official pitch man for your soul and should be a catholic saint by 2012. So light a candle, say your prayer and let Billy know you need some help pitching the good Lord above.

In other crazy news....

Cheetos where used in a physical assault on Sunday morning. Chester was questioned and was ruled out as a suspect in the death of Billy Mays. Back to the news: Authorities said a couple got into a fight using Cheetos (puff, not the burnt cave man crunchy Cheetos). The Bedford County (in the great state of Tennessee) Sheriff's Department said a 40-year-old man and 44-year-old woman became involved in a 'verbal altercation.' Somehow, the orange puffy snacks were used in the assault. The super hot Cheetos where not used in the assault, just plain and puffy Cheetos... Both posted a 2500.00 bond....

Don't be afraid to just call me... Pick up the phone and just call me... Here are some phone tips to keep your relationship alive and well. You can trust me, I am 35, single and my longest relationship has been 11 months....

Keep conversations short: Easier said than done when the girl you are calling is a Chatty Kathy that has clipped her string. Sometimes you just have to hang up and turn your phone off. Just tell her your phone died, but your desire to talk with her has not. If you do this enough you can get a free phone out of it in as little as 4 weeks. Saving you money and time.

Call anytime: Let her know that you are thinking about her by calling at odd hours. Set your alarm for 4 am, wake up and call her with a chipper good morning... Call her at 2am drunk and incoherent... Always a winner of a call. If you know she has a big meeting at 2, call her at 1:59 and tell you have something super important to talk about.... Then remind her of her meeting and hang up.

Be busy: I mean really busy. If you are always busy you can always get off the phone with a, "honey - I have to go super busy here." You can also get out of bad dates or events - after all you are busy. Your busy angle starts on the phone - not answering calls, short brief calls, hang ups and ends with your freedom on all levels...

You where born a rambling man: When you get the chance leave long rambling messages that make no sense and at the end of the message ask a specific question or break up with her. The message starts with: Hi babe it's me, just here at the zoo watching the duck billed platypus swim and the monkeys masturbate and throw their poo. They are either jerking it or throwing poo at each other.... Duck - double shot of poo. I am never shaking a monkey's hand again - because I know exactly where that hand has been... Did you know the average monkey is as strong as 50 children from the UK or 45 US kids - that is not true at all... I want a pony like the ones they have at circus. Then I want to glue a horn to the front of the pony and make it into a unicorn so that I can charge kids double for unicorn rides. And the tail - rainbow colored... Honey this is the bomb idea... PS, we should see other people. Have a great day, oh and I can't make our date on Friday - already booked up....

Happy Monday party people...