When you talk with your body

Body Language - not just for strippers anymore... Body Language can make or break you. Body Language says more than you know. Below are some Body Language does and dont's. Read them, print them, carry them with you and of course use them wisely...

Common Body Language does:

Tilting your head: Not only a great way to flirt but also a great way to show that you are interested. When you talk to a dog they tilt their heads and most of the time that is not to try and ignore your mind numbing voice but instead to listen to the dribble that is bouncing off your bumping gums... So take a cute cue from your dog and tilt your head when listening.

Don't blink: Boy puppies can get away with tilting their heads but real men can't so I recommend not blinking. Look deep into their eyes and go Geoff Goldblum in the fly - bug your eyes out and don't blink. Women especially like it when men look at them and don't blink, it brings them comfort.

Folding your hands on your lap: Sure some may this is immature and if you are a guy it can remind people of a time in junior high when you could not comfortably make it to the chalk board. But in a professional setting like at a board meeting it is totally cool to hide your hands. I even recommend bringing your note book below the table - makes it seem like you know something other people don't. You could be taking secret notes for the CEO. Make the others think...

Crossing your legs: Ever since Basic Instinct, Sharon Stone has given leg crossing a great name unless you are a man. Men can't do the tight leg cross. It makes other men wonder - how come that does not hurt him, it hurts me..... But for you ladies - crossing and uncrossing your legs during a meeting is totally okay and highly recommend. If you don't know how, go to Blockbuster tonight and rent Basic Instinct, Sharon gives a great tutorial.

Excessive touching: Some HR folks frown upon excessive touching and those people are wrong. You want your office and new found relationships to run like a finely tuned NBA championship team and that means touching. Slaps on the ass are encouraged even if the person is just going for a bathroom break. Hugs with a kiss on the cheek after a hard day of work - standard! A hug because a hug is what is needed - go for it. Open mouth kisses - if he/she is hot than of course...

Playing with or tugging at your hair, jewelry or clothes: For ladies with larger than normal sweater kittens or for women that just got new sweater kittens (surgically enhanced) we call this the adjustment. Much like the baseball pitcher that does more ball handling in a game than an NBA point guard. The shift can be necessary and should be done every half hour. Past the your big and/or new friends - eating your hair is always sexy, letting your necklace fall below the neck line, then picking it up and letting it fall over and over again is always a plus...

Now let's close with the ultimate body language song: Body Language by INXS

If you say something to me
An' you mean, you mean what you say
An' you're wanting my attention
There's a game you must play Body Language
Body Language
Body Language
Body Language yo o o o o o
Use your eyes and your face
Words have no place
Move your body in a way
So I will know what you say
Body Language
Body Language
Body Language
Body Language yo o o o o

Happy Friday now go talk with your body...

Craigslist... Missed Connections

You saw them. Maybe you talked with them. Maybe your eyes met. But whatever happened it was special enough to post on CraigList.com. Let's take a look at some missed connections and find the reality behind them.

The post: Hello.... I met you at the pool in Vegas the week of June 18th - you and your friends were in the pool, we chatted about the mortgage biz and were talking about our tattoos.... I really really want to talk to you. All I know is your name is Neil and your Birthday is October like mine. Please please :) I hope you find this email.

The reality: First, it was Vegas, so the guy is probably married with 4 kids and just aching to cheat on his wife of 6 months. Second, it is Vegas, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Third, it is Vegas, everything is a gamble including meeting a stranger at the pool hoping for a hook up and ending up with a warm beer and sunburn. Fourth, it is Vegas, you are just a ruthless for posting this...

The post: Looking for the cute guy who gave me directions to Boeing in HB.. You were too sweet, and SOOO hot.. thank you!!

The reality: You are not hot and he is likely homeless, hence he cannot get to an Internet cafe to find the CL Missed Connections to reach out to you. But good for you that you even find homeless people attractive. Now go to Pearl Vision and get your eyes checked.

The post: You were standing outside talking to another guy I was driving down Chapman towards the circle with my window rolled down, it was really nice outside We both took a 2cnd look, I might have waved or smiled but I had just spent 6 hrs in the ER at St Josephs and wasn't feeling well and was afraid if I looked at you any longer I would have rear ended the car in front of me. I just wanted to see if I caught your eye as much as you caught mine. If you read this respond back with the color car I was driving, and what color hair I have. I hope you read this you were cute =)

The reality: 6 hrs in the ER and driving? He was probably amazed that you where on the road and had to take a second look at the girl the hospital gown that escaped in a stolen car. ER girl, are you in any condition to be spitting game after 6 hrs, let alone 5 minutes in the ER - nope.com. You have ER eyes - your eyes have been dumbed down to open skulls, bleeding, broken bones, wheel chairs and gernies. Anyone with a full set of teeth that is not moaning and/or bleeding is going to be hot to you....

There you have it, 3 missed connections and 3 real world answers to the missed connections. Have a great short and sweet Thursday.

5 must have relationships

Let's cut to the dirty - 5 must have relationships that can and if you play your cards right will lead to marriage and with the odds over 50%, divorce as well...

Coming in at number 1: My Buddy, My Buddy and Me:

Remember that doll/toy back in the day that competed with Cabbage Patch Kids? The toy that trained us to stop saying my doll or my favorite toy but instead "My Buddy" - creating a friendship with the doll/toy on a deeper level. Sing it with me - My buddy, my buddy, my buddy and me... My buddy and me like to climb up a tree.. My buddy and me, he is the best friend he can be... blah, blah, blah.... (I added the blah, blah, blah)

That written, find a man or woman that keeps you at a distance in public leaving you with the status of, "so have you met my..... friend?" The friend line lets you know and feel comfort in the reality of this question: "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends..." So all you lovers out there remember to be introduced as a friend is stronger than escort or rented by the hour lover or stripper on her/his lunch break.

Coming in at number 2: Single White Dater:

Remember the classic cult thriller Single White Female? Yeah, the loving girl moves in and takes on all the traits of her roommate including the trait of getting her man drunk and sleeping with him. What are roommates for, after all she was asleep...

The highest form of flattery and personality stalking is copying.... You want to find someone that will copy you, minus your hair cut. No one wants to see another Mr. and Mrs. Kurt Warner with their spiked grey and black matching hair cuts (clipper number 2 please).... But you do want a robot lover that suddenly believes everything you do, copies your traits and embraces all of your favorites as theirs - even if they have a peanut allergy... This type of person makes planning your weekends and soon to come wedding super easy, after all what is there to argue about?

Coming in at number 3: Match.com Lifetime Member:

You don't want to date the Amish kid that just got off the farm. He is turned on by a digital Timex and color printing at Kinkos... You want that special someone to have been around the block about 200 times... You need someone with experience in starting and ending relationships without a lick of guilt or emotion. After all the odds are stacked against you that your marriage will last so get with someone that will end it like ripping off a band-aid!

Coming in at number 4: Saying Yes Is Expensive

Sometimes it is okay just to live together and not get married. The economy is in the toilet and to be honest, divorce is expensive. So live together but not past 7 years - past 7 years and you fall into a common law relationship... Wait, what am I saying here - we both know you have not and will not be in a relationship lasting more than 7 years....

Coming in at number 5: Gonna Write This Down

Back in the day it was a diary where you kept your deepest, darkest secrets. Then Doogie Howser MD came on and showed us how our computer can be a diary.... Then came reality TV and then blogging... Your life, your passions, your secrets, your world exposed in the digital world. Find a person that shares their life on FaceBook, MySpace, their blog, etc... This is a person that does not hold back but instead keeps the world and their emotions wide open for the world to see. This kind of person screams stability. Plus is there anything better than 10 minutes after your first date seeing an FB posting or blog with pics of you (the best is when you don't even know that the pic was taken) and gushing about how much fun you are and how you may just be the "one." These are the kind of people that will tattoo your name on their body - wrist, upper arm, belly, lower back (right below their rainbow or unicorn tattoo), even down their leg in bold New Courier - sexy!!!

For all the single ladies (I hope I got the lyrically complex Beyonce song stuck in your head now) and all the single guys out there - now you have 5 stable and loving people to look for. If the person you are with does not fall into one of these buckets, dump them and find someone new, someone that fits one of the above categories - if you play your cards right you can get a mix of all 5. That person is called Sybil.

Juggling... Cats

Unemployment is at a 20 year high.... People are doing whatever they can for a fast buck. People are also taking the time away from the cubicle (the nice way to say laid off) to pursue their passions and dreams - tapping into their entrepreneurial spirit.

Remember the Smothers Brothers? They could make a Yo-Yo dance across the stage while telling bad jokes.. Two skinny older white guys making Yo-Yo magic throughout the 70's and 80's. A great example of the entrepreneurial spirit alive and well in America. But maybe the Yo-Yo is not for you... Maybe you want something a bit more challenging...

Then I ask you - are you an animal lover? Do you like juggling? If you answered yes to both than offer the job of a lifetime.... International Cat Juggler...

More dangerous than juggling chainsaws - yes. More fun than a barrel of monkeys - yes. International travel - standard. Learning curve - minor. PETA stalking you - yes.

Think juggling cats is cruel? Then this site is for you: http://www.livenudecats.com/ (pervert)

In other news:

Michael Jackson's body is being choppered to Staples Center. For those of you that are not history buffs - this is not a good idea. The last time a cultural icon was choppered into a crazed crowd, was when Iatola Humani of Iran died. They flew his body over the crowd as they gathered to pay respect to him. The crazed crowd went after his body like pinata... The casket broke. His body fell out. Some kid left with a finger... Not a good thing.

In sporting news:

Forest Gump is back... Okay that is not true, but Ping Pong or as they say in China - "Ping Pong" is back... Location: Vegas. Prize money: 100k... The league: Hardbat.... Polish up your racket it's pong time!

Thinking about gambling on the event? Well you can't. It should be noted that the Las Vegas sports books refused to make book on the Hardbat. You know something is shady when Vegas refuses to make a book on an event...

In TSA news:

People are asking the question: is the TSA going to far in their searches?

The Transportation Security Administration has moved beyond just checking for weapons and explosives. It’s now training airport screeners to spot anything suspicious, and then honoring them when searches lead to arrests for crimes like drug possession and credit-card fraud.

Questioning travelers is part of TSA’s standard procedures, and the agency gives its employees discretion. “TSA security officers are trained to ask questions and assess passenger reactions,” Mr. Soule says. “TSA security officers may use their professional judgment and experience to determine what questions to ask passengers during screening.”

Have you ever seen a TSA screener? If one word does not represent them, experience is the other word. Tight pants, tight shirts, fake badges, bad shoes and a below average literacy rate... Add all that up and then divide by an hourly rate and you have a lot, but nothing that adds up to experience or professional judgement.

Getting questioned and physically searched by a TSA agent is like getting felt up and questioned at the Taco Bell drive through... Wrong, just wrong...

In entertainment news:

Matlock Seasons 1 through 3 and the 9th season of Murder She Wrote are out on DVD... Go get some party people...

In conclusion: if you are out of work you can become a TSA agent or International Cat Juggler. And if you have not heard, Michael Jackson is dead and his body will be viewed at Staples Center - yeah that sounds safe....

Happy Tuesday....

Summer, the cheating season...

Summer time means less clothes, more sunshine and the wandering eye for both sexes... Some of the experts at Yahoo/Shine think they have figured out some key signs that your man ma be cheating or wanting to cheat on you... Now it is time to debunk the experts and give some harsh but real insight into why he is doing what he is doing...

The expert says: Watch out if he doesn't invite you to a work event that other coworkers' partners are attending, like an office picnic or rooftop drinks. "Not inviting you implies that he doesn't want his coworkers to know he has a girlfriend so he can flirt with someone else," says New York City therapist Diana Kirschner, PhD.

OR: You can't hold your booze. In the past he has taken you to events with his boss and co-workers. You got blind drunk, kissed the copy boy, made fun of the boss in his shorts and did kart wheels in the middle of the coed volleyball game. Even worse, it could be that you bring nothing to the party. You don't understand his job and don't stay up on current events. No worries to you though - you still bump your gums talking about Brad and Angelina trying to compare their relationship to the North Korean nuclear crisis... But no you should take your insecurities and think he is cheating... Look in the mirror Chatty Kathy.... Pic up a paper... Put down the US Weekly and the Appletini and try to work your brain out - start at 5 minutes a day...

The expert says: Though it's normal for guys to check out other women for a second or two, even if you're right there with him, be concerned if he's taking "more than a quick glance in front of you. It's a sign he isn't concerned with appearing faithful and may be open to playing around," says Kirschner.

OR: Maybe you should take off the moo-moo and put on something nice. Being in a relationship does not give you the right to let yourself go or start dressing down... Looking at another woman in a two piece may be the only time he gets to see that because you choose to rock the one piece that looks like a 1940's special edition. Come on, grandma is showing more leg than you... BTW - a guy looking for 4 seconds instead of 2 seconds is not the gateway drug to fooling around on you. If he asks for her number in front of you then yes, he is game to fooling around on you but a glance or a look just means that he needs to work on looking at you more and you need to give him a reason to look... NEXT!

The expert says: Take notice if he tells you that he wants to use his summer vacation to take a guys-only trip and doesn't set aside any time off to spend with you. True, he could really just want to hang out at the beach with his buddies. But he could also want to mess around out of town, where he's less likely to be caught.

OR: This so called expert is killing me. Everything has the message that your guy is going to cheat. Next thing you know traffic will be a reason for him to cheat. Yes he does really want to spend time with his buddies. Sure Sunday Funday watching the Lifetime Channel is great. You cry, he sleeps, you wake him up... Blah, blah, blah... Sometimes guys need to be with other guys so they can curse, drink beers, watch sports, yell at the TV and be like cavemen. Side note - guys are not smart enough to plan a trip out of town to cheat. We will cheat on you in the same town, even if that town only has 100 people... So don't give us that much planning credit...

Like crazy Christian's that find a demon in everything when it goes wrong and an angel when it goes right (the fridge broke - fridge demon is back, get the exorcist to cast out the fridge demon... come on it was made by a man or a woman or a machine that will soon take over the world, hence it is going to break.... Now if you dog starts barking in German and speaking Latin - call that exorcist...) you ladies can find a cheater or potential cheater in any situation. But that is on you, not us men. Take the cheating eye energy and turn it into trusting loving eye energy - live open and full of hope not closed off and on guard... Plant the seeds of trust and passion not the seeds of distrust.... Sure you will get hurt but that is part of life... Live, love and don't judge... You will be free of the negative and happy, trust me I am not an expert...

Happy Monday