Egypt and traffic

Everyday I drive home and everyday I stop at the gym - not because I like to workout but because I hate traffic and the gym allows me to burn off the double double I wolfed down at lunch and avoid the bumper to bumper grind we know and love....

Personally I believe that traffic jams are the devolution of our society. Somethings we can do great but most things we do are crap - not done well and end up hurting the world around us...

Examples you ask - easy, here are two:

Sonar: seems cool until you look into the deep blue. Whales can't talk to each other anymore because sonar messes them up. Whales go from pro-creating with one anther to trying to dry hump a sub in the deep blue or bitch slapping a 60ft fishing yacht (search Bad Company gets hit by a whale - look for my quotes and the pictures) because the sonar system is cussing out the whale instead of sending the message - hey we are marlin fishing so stay away big guy or well fit - big boned whale lady...

Cell phones: sure the may cause brain cancer, car wrecks and make men sterile but those are the pros. The con, cell phone waves kill bees and not the evil killer bee but the fun loving honey bee. For food to grow we need bees to pollinate. Cell waves turn regular bee brains into mush... Fat and super skinny people need to unite around a cell phone ban. Without food the super skinny will die and the fat will no longer keep their curves making them average or super skinny, not good if you like being fat...

All of this begs the question - did Egypt suffer from traffic problems - not now but back in the day when they where building the pyramids. To this day we still can't build a pyramid correctly - the one in Vegas is sinking...

The Egyptians did a ton of cool stuff - some still standing. If you watch enough History Chanel you will hear people spout off on how aliens helped them build the Sphinx and the pyramids... So if they aliens helped them, then why won't the aliens help us with traffic? All the aliens do these days is fly over head causing chaos and randomly crash into the ground - only to be taken away by various government agencies... Well they also laser beam cows in MT and Wyoming, taking all the cows internal organs and sex organs - leaving the flesh, teeth and skin behind...

With the eyes being the window to ones soul I wonder what it tells us about alien life when the aliens don't take the cows eyes?

Back to the premise. Did the aliens help build the pyramids and help in ensuring that there was never a traffic jam in old Egypt? You have to think that if there was a traffic problem in old Egypt there would be evidence by means of hieroglyphics but to date no such luck...

I think old Egypt was smarter than us. But don't feel bad because as a society we are way smarter than old Scotland - to this day those kids are still figuring out the benefit to the thumb....
Put your skirt on and start drinking it Thursday

Getting Dumped and finding love on the highway

I am having an overload today and my brain is tired - bad combo. Neither of these posts are great but both are average - maybe above average at key points. Starting off with girls that get dumped to Internet dating tips.

Enjoy...


GONG! That is what Jessica Simpson and millions of other women around the world heard the other day. But why? Why are women getting dropped like crying, fat, menstruating, mom jean wearing hot potatoe? Let me tell you the ways...

Number 1: Thy Siamese Twin

She becomes surgically attached to you after the first date - calls coming in 3 to 5 times a day. Dinner each night. Text messages all day long. Your new found Siamese Twin has you locked in like a chinese finger trap! Yes we like you and yes we like you around but come on - we also like stinky Steve but we only like him around on Sunday's when we are drunk at the bar. Know your role, know your place, cut the cord and give some space....

Number 2: Wink, Wink (is he looking?)

There is nothing worse than the girl that wants a jealous guy. She is always talking about this guy or that guy that wants her. The guy on the free way that flashed her is burnt cherrio. How she caught her boss looking down her shirt. We get it. We know you are hot. That is why we are with you - we are not with you for your intelligence. If you want to play the field and be a piece of constant eye candy then run with it. We are one set of eyes; one set of hands; one check book.... PS - there is a prosperous career as a stripper in your future... "Coming to the stage -
Misty Mountains!"

Number 3: I am an open book

Date 1, minute 5 and you are already bumping your gums on how your dad mistreated you, how your mom is jealous of you, how your cats are the only real things in this world that love you, how when you drink too much you cry and poop your pants, how you wish you could find love but at the same time always find a way to wreck the love that comes your way.... STOP! Can we just have a good time? Maybe have a bit to much to drink and play the no pants dance at the end of the night. Let us leave, then cry, then text us how this always happens to you and how mad you are that we snuck out the window and how we will never get our shoes or socks back...

Want to find someone special like the ladies listed above? Try dating on the information super highway.....

My lack of compassion for the control - alt - delete daters is no secret.... But today I am taking a different tactic and I am going to help you, or your friend that online dates, with some tips and tricks on how you can succeed online.

Coming in at number 1: No matter your age say that you are young at heart

You need a winning opener that lets the opposite sex know that you are a free and young spirit, even if you are 76 and just figuring out this cool Internet thing. I recommend coming strong with, "I have the spirit and emotional maturity of a 6 year old monkey." This type of statement puts you into 2 categories - the first being the Michael Jackson category and the second being the Peter Pan category. Both big money winners. Both loved devoutly around the world.

Number 2: Where is Waldo?

When finding someone online you have to wonder - does this person have friends? The best way to show that you have friends is group shots! First it adds an element of mystery - who is chelsea97 or paulo32? Do a mix of both men and women to let the dater surfer know that you don't need the information super highway to find true, fake or one night stand love but you are not above trying it out.

Number 3: Of course you like it...

Be vague so you can fit with almost anyone. Don't be specific on the movies that you like but be more general by just listing genres. Write that you like a comedies but don't chase off the reader with specifics. If you like US Weekly or The National Enquirer than write that you read the paper. If you own books that is a plus - you don't have to read them but I do recommend owning some top sellers. With top sellers you get cliff notes, you should read those....

Number 4: Check baby, check baby... 1 - 2 - 3

Be upfront and honest when it comes to deal breakers. Let the reader know that even though you are single you are not going to settle. Sure Internet dating, no matter how many commercials they show, may look like you are settling or giving up on the real world, but you are not - you are a fighter and you have a check list. As an example - ladies go ahead a post a picture of yourself in wet t-shirt from spring break 2007 (even though you are 35) but also let the guys know that you are not easy and they should not expect to see your sweater kittens until date 4 or 5. Guys let the ladies know that if they start to ramble on and on about how their former GF hurt them that you will tune them out because honestly, you just want to finish dinner, go have sex and then fall asleep..

Hump day is killing me....

tick, tock... the biological clock

I could write something witty here or I could just lean back and let an academy award winning actress, Marisa Tomei, take over.... Option 2 it is... From My Cousin Vinny:


Vinny: What's the matter with you?
Mona Lisa: I don't know.

Vinny: You're acting like you're nervous or something.

Mona Lisa: Well, yeah, I am.

Vinny: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.

Mona Lisa: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about. I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.

Vinny: You left me a little camera, didn't you?

Mona Lisa: Oh, Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you, and I can't do anything about it!

Vinny: And?

Mona Lisa: Well, I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is (stamps foot three times) ticking like this, and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married!

Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail, an idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars, slaughtered pigs, giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids, not to mention your (stamps foot three times) biological clock; my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the to of the outcome of this case?! Is it possible?!

Mona Lisa: Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

Ladies it is always a bad time to bring up marriage and babies. That written, as always ladies I am here to help. Step number one is not becoming a surrogate parent to some billionaire mom that doesn't want stretch marks and saggy boobs. It starts with finding a man and means breaking out of your comfort zone and trying some new places. Take a breath, now lets talk meet and greet in these fine establishments:

Coming in at number 1: Strip Club

Participation and support of local single mothers shows that a man has a playful side and a social network - both important factors in parenting and relationships. Whether full nude and full bar, g-string and 5 dollar waters or a private show at the house with some buddies, some sort of extracurricular activity shows that this man might just be dad material. He's good at keeping weekly commitments and values a balanced life beyond the office.

Added bonus? You know he doesn't mind getting a little glitter on his clothes!

Coming in at number 2: Dude Ranch

Any pet-owning, sheep molesting man in a cowboy hat and chaps has obviously earned his ability to burn animals with hot metal, choke them and keep them in pens. Farm animals are an enormous responsibility, and the fact that he's able to keep something alive, brand it, make sweet gentle love to it, chase it with a tractor and keep it happy is a tell-tale sign that he's on the road to becoming a great dad.

Added bonus? Animals are excellent icebreakers to human hearts and loyal companions for future little ones!

Coming in at number 3: PTA Meeting

Looking for a man that has a past? Has a kid that can't handle the divorce and may kill you in a rage for taking his mothers place? Or maybe you are trying to steal a husband that already has a family... Well, then I have a winner for you, the PTA, it's a no-brainer jackpot for meeting past, present and future dads. And if you play your cards right you can meet that creepy gym teacher that is always sneaking a peak and just a little too eager to teach the next sex education class.

No kids, no problems. Do what any self respecting person would do - rent a midget! Just tell everyone your little one is stocky. If you find a dad that laughs at your rented little one - you have found a keeper. You want a man that has a sense of humor and a man that will not talk behind your back or your newly rented midgets back.

Added bonus? You many actually steal a good husband from a lazy at home mom!

There you have it. 3 great places to meet both future husbands and dads... See you at Cheetahs or the next PTA meeting...

And you say he's just a friend....

You, you got what I need but you say hes just a friend
And you say hes just a friend, oh baby
You, you got what I need but you say hes just a friend
But you say hes just a friend, oh baby
You, you got what I need but you say hes just a friend
But you say hes just a friend

So how do you know if you are more than a friends..... Let me tell you the ways....

1. You start doing the no pants dance on a regular basis:

All of a sudden every time you go out with a group of friends you end up getting drunk, making out and sleeping together. Often your friends may see the romance spark before you do! Booze and waking up naked with a raging headache can hide the spark fact - also bad morning breath and barf in the hair can make things awkward...

2. You find yourself making or receiving a daily call or having a conversation, often right before bedtime.

See when you sleep with someone they are in your bed and hence you sometimes have to talk with them before you go to bed, it is just polite, unless they have bed breath - then just call it a night pass the scope. Per the calls, hopefully they are more involving than the mindless dribble that you and girlfriends talk about. Stay away from hour long calls or insights into what he had for lunch...what is he doing right now... blah, blah, blah... You may look forward to these calls Nancey Drew but he doesn't so stop trying to break the case, keep the conversation short and sweet - like the skirt he likes you in...

3. The horrific pet name.

Remember when he called you the whore drinking hooker that has seen more ass than a rental car seat... Those where the days. Now he only calls you that in bed because it is your pet name sugar tits (guys this is a great pet name and any woman that would reject this pet name does not love you or her body, hence you deserve better). In the world of pet names there is one pet name to stay away from, "baby." Don't call him baby because every time you say it he thinks of a baby, the crying, crapping sex trophy that you want drop out one of these days - and with the pet name baby, it makes it sound like you want that sooner than later...

4. Chick flick....

You know you are more than just friends if you get him to watch a chick flick with you. Sure he is struggling through "Traveling Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" so he can sleep with you, but he also laying claim to you as more than just a friend... So ladies, be kind to your old friend -new boyfriend by breaking down and getting in a make out session during the film, not that little kiss on the cheek with a thank you crap, nope.com - he needs some hot and heavy tongue action... It will keep him interested and have him watching more chick flicks with you, trust me...

So if you are doing all of this are you still saying he is just a friend?