Jesus and your health

With all the fuss going on in the press about Obama's health care plan I thought I would compare Jesus' miracles to both an HMO and a PPO...

The healing ways of Jesus (btw - I got all the miracle information from my favorite online resource, no not the bible, Wikipedia):

The Leper:

Jesus as an HMO: Oddly enough leprosy is not covered in the HMO plan, hence Jesus heals the man but at an added cost. The added danger of catching leprosy has the man in a special containment unit that is also not covered under the HMO plan... Due to the limits of the HMO plan Jesus can only heal one part of the man's body - the rest cannot be healed, but on the bright side as least part of him looks good... Thanks Jesus HMO!

Jesus as a PPO: Good thing, leprosy is covered! Bad thing, the cost of the PPO was so much that the leper had to cancel his PPO. Jesus wants to heal him but the shareholders believe that the cost to heal a leper that cannot pay them back is too great - sorry leper, next time make your payments on time and the healing hands of Jesus will save you...

The Blind:

Jesus as an HMO: reconstructive eye surgery is expensive and not a sure thing so the blind guy's HMO will not cover it. Oddly enough his HMO does have VSP coverage so though Jesus HMO will not heal him of blindness he can get a great deal on glasses (not the cool ones that change color in the sun light) and contacts (hard though, not soft lenses).

Jesus as a PPO: This is an out of network surgery and luckily for the blind guy covered by his PPO. The bad news, the PPO will not do a reconstructive surgery but they will do an eye transplant surgery. The really bad news - two people have died and both only have one surviving eye. So our guy can see again but he has one blue eye and one brown eye - that the pound dog no one adopts so it gets put to sleep.

The Dead:

Jesus as an HMO: Oddly enough the HMO covers life after death but sadly does not cover dead or rotting flesh so the man lives but he smells like death for the rest of his life...

Jesus as a PPO: The PPO plan covers life after death and the smell of rotting flesh - all a bonus for our formerly dead guy. The problem - when you come back from the dead your premiums go through the roof! This makes eye replacement surgery look like a hello kitty band aid. So our guy is alive and smells good but will never get health care coverage again...

Maybe health care should be a social and caring function of society like teachers not a money making venture like Wall Street. Treat health care like the original focus of the Christian faith. Did you ever think you could make money at a church? Really, who would have thought you could build a mega church, write some books and million or two... Oh wait, back in the day that did happen and Jesus stepped in and trashed that temple... Happy Thursday party people...

Duck and run.... or fly...

It is an awkward first date or a relationship that have gone from 4 hours to 4 years.... Sure it started with her following across town to ask you out and it has now ended with you a police officer and a restraining order.... But the real question is how do you properly reject her so that she doesn't come back?

The master of hiding is here to share with you 4 fool proof ways to reject her no matter if it is a first date or a 4 year relationship (after 4 years she can go Bobit on you so watch the calendar my friend)... Mind you these tips may make seeing her in public the next 5 or 6 times weird. To be honest you may get slapped or have a cold beer dumped on your head. You have been warned... Now have some fun and follow my advice on how to become single...

Number 1: The little white lie

No matter how long the relationship has been going on - 1 hour to 4 years... Everyone has a past and everyone has an ex lover.... I recommend the following - "I had a great time with you but my ex is still a part of my life. I just can't let go of her, our 4 kids or our matching lower back unicorn tattoos. I think I need to give her and myself another chance.. Oh and the kids, yeah need to address those little bastards one of these days." Kids and an ex always get you out of date one. Kids are a lock to get you out of a long term relationship as well... It is a great bomb to drop. Now if you live in the same area as the woman you are misleading, you may have to rent some kids for the day but look at that as a double bonus. You can always use the kids to pick a cute woman who likes a caring uncle.....

Number 2: Just a friend

Oh baby you, you got what I need.... Sing it loud and sing it proud... Now let her know that you are better off as friends. Be honest and quote some Michael Bolton - "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends? How can we start over if the fighting never ends? How can we make love if we can't make amends? How can we be lovers if we can't be, can't be friends?" She will still stick around so now you have a booty call and she wants to get you know you better - not the physical lust or passion but the real you. Now you can go get drunk with the boys, eat pizza and fart - all with a green light from her. After all you are now friends....

Number 3: Go Swayze - Go Ghost

Sometimes you have to go witness protection program and just disappear. Of course being on Facebook or any other social networking site makes that almost impossible but you can still do it. Many people would give you steps on how to go into hiding from moving to changing your phone number. I say no my friend - be strong. Just stop answering your phone. Do not return any emails and like a ninja glacier when you see her just pretend you have never dated but that you have always been friends - big hug and kiss on the cheek are a good start.... And it keeps her guessing...

Number 4: A blow to the gut...

Sometimes you just have to let her know that she is not the one in any way, shape or form. The easy out if you are over 30 is to tell her she is not the one you see yourself with down the road. This is a Cane in Kung Fu death blow. A man's biological clock never really ticks but a woman's starts ticking around 21. As soon as you say she is not marriage material you can easily stand up, walk out and go on to your next date.... She will cry. You cannot comfort her. She needs to learn that her tears cannot be rewarded with sympathy or your magical and loving hugs... Plus if you where smart you came into the dump session with tissues - aloe treated, you are not a savage and sure a red nose on a crying girl is funny but without a cell phone picture you are just a jerk making fun of a crying girl...

So there you have it, 4 ways to break up with a lady... Good luck