How to be nice...

You can still be a man and compliment a woman. Trust me you can do it and not sound like a complete schmuck... On this glorious Friday I am going to give the men 4 sure fire compliments everyone woman wants to hear... As a bonus not one of these compliments will threaten their manhood...

Coming in at number 1: My ex was a super model but you are hot too....

First, you are letting her know that you know what excellence is as it pertains to beauty. Second, you are being honest with her - something everyone begs for from a man. Third, even though she is not a super model you still find her attractive. Fourth, by you dating her and formerly dating a super model she has entered into the super model category via a third party invite - kind of like taking your cousin to prom. At least you had a date and your cousin when to prom, right? Win - win.... So is the compliment...

Number 2: You are really good in bed...

First, you are letting her know that even though she has a double chin and one hairy nipple that she gets your engine running. Second, you are letting her know that even though she may not have a job or a talent she has something she can fall back on - her back! HA! Seriously, she could make it as a prostitute and that is the oldest profession in the world. Third, everyone wants to know if they are good at something. Fourth, you have not lied by telling her she is the best - you know who the best was... The hot super model with low self esteem and something to prove.

Number 3: You are not perfect but good enough...

First, she knows she is not perfect and now she knows that you know she is not perfect making you observant (another trait women beg for men to have). To be honest no one is perfect - except for the super model you dumped to get with Miss Imperfect... Second, now she can work on being perfect - an impossible goal, yes but have you also given her something to strive for, yes... Double up on points my friend.. Third, there is nothing wrong with good enough... Good enough pizza gets eaten; good enough beer gets drank; good enough looking cousins get taken to the prom.... Good enough prostitues get hundreds of roses a day...

Number 4: I have learned to accept your (fill in the blank of the gross body part you can now ignore)...

First, she now knows that you can and will accept her imperfections, like the hairy nipple or her backne. For weeks now she been hiding her battle field of puss and blackheads and with your kind words you have freed her of that burden. Second, now she knows that you have the ability to accept new and often gross things - nice work buddy. Third, you did the math on getting her new teeth and fixing the corns on her toes. Beer for life or yellow teeth? Yellow teeth and corns go away after 10 beers... Good choice.. Fourth, ladies will never accept knowing how or why your period works. We prefer to stay in the dark on that one, thanks...

There you go - 4 sure fire tips to let the woman you love know that you love her while still being the man in the relationship... Happy Friday party people...

Move'n on up to the top...

There is nothing safer.... There is nothing better.... There is nothing that beacons love like an office romance... So if you are single and you work in an office of 2 people or more than you need to read this.... Get ready for a love life that never ends - a 24/7 romance that starts at the office and never ends, not even when you go home - if that is not love than what is??? These people that escape from their loved ones when they go to the office do not own love, they lease love with an option to buy... Today I will give you the tools to own love and work your way up the corporate ladder... In this economy you need both and I am here to help.

Coming in at number 1: Start at the top...

Love is a 4 letter word and it is spelled BOSS... Date your boss. Let me write that again, date your boss. 1. You get a chance at love. 2. You get the dirt on the business. 3. You always get the best jobs. If you can, date your bosses boss or the CEO - game up... You are looking for love and a promotion and this is the road less traveled...

Number 2: Please forward my calls

If you can't land the boss or you are the boss then I recommend the intern receptionist. Young, attractive, willing to learn, willing to work late and impressed by the facts that you have a checking account and a business card. As a bonus they are used to taking direction from you...

Number 3: The mill

Like my dear friend Bonnie Raitt sings, "Let's Give Them Something To Talk About." If people aren't talking then you are doing something wrong. Slap a little booty in the copy room... Have a make out session before you enter into a meeting.. Join the ground level club with an intimate moment in the ground floor restroom... The power of gossip will fuel your relationship to new levels...

Number 4: It is all relative

If you are not the boss (gross if you are the boss) and you cannot land the boss or any of the above mentioned people then I highly recommend you go for one of the bosses kids (mind you they should be 18 or older unless you really want to meet Chris Hansen and the To Catch A Predator crew at Dateline). When you land the bosses kid you land a promotion; you land instant access to the boss; you get dirt on the boss; and to ensure you can take care of the special one you also land a raise!

There you have it - 4 sure fire ways to successfully date in the office. Happy hunting..

Love is a 4 letter word...

Love is a 4 letter word and 5 women in Wis. have turned one man's secret BIG Love (HBO show about a Mormon guy that has many wives - these wives know about each other though) into a real nightmare....

A married man who planned to rendezvous with one of his handful of lovers at an eastern Wisconsin motel instead found himself bound, blindfolded and assaulted by a group of women out for revenge, according to court documents.

First, this is proof that no matter the population center - men are dumb enough to cheat. How many people can really be in eastern Wisconsin? 200? The guy was probably banging the hotel receptionist - wait, this is eastern Wisconsin (yes I am going to beat the location to death) there are no receptionists and dive hotel, motel, Holiday Inn...

Second, ladies bonus points for rallying together like a band of thieves. I want to know which lady went out and bought seasons 1 through 5 of the A-Team before the planning of this caper...

Back the story:

Four women, including his wife, eventually showed up to humiliate the man, who ended up with his penis glued to his stomach in a bizarre plot to punish him for a lover's quadrangle gone bad, according to the documents filed in Calumet County.

I take back every nice thing I have said about these ladies. Penis gluing is not cool and was never once part of an A-Team plot line! Sadly eastern Wisconsin does not consider these ladies a threat - all 5, including the wife, are out on 200 dollar bail... WHAT????

Back to the story - and this is where is gets a bit scary:

Criminal complaints filed Friday allege the man agreed to be bound with "sheer sheets" and blindfolded with a pillowcase for a "rub down" by Ziemann (one of his special lady friends). She instead cut off his underwear with a scissors and summoned the others to the room with a text message.

First, you never let the woman you are cheating with bind and blindfold you. Crazy town can kill you, wound you or glue your penis to you. I wonder, being from eastern Wisconsin, did they use Elmer's glue, cocking glue (for the pun)or super glue? If they used super glue then the male victim, (and yes he is a victim; and yes he is a dumb ass for thinking he could make 5 women happy while not living in southern Utah) has the making for a good penis joke... You giggled, you know it's true..

Second, when the lady pulls out the scissors you find super human strength. Like the old lady that lifts up the car to save the baby. Or like Banner when he gets mad and turns into the Hulk - you find a way to get strong, get mad and get free. If the scissors don't scare you than the 4 other women, one being your wife, coming in the room should terrify you... Then again the guy may have thought he was getting really lucky and that the ladies finally understood him and his needs... Sharing is caring...

The moral of this true, Bobbitesque, story is 3 fold:

1. Women in eastern Wisconsin are crazy, evil and mean - don't marry them, date them or fool around on them.

2. When a woman tries to seduce you with scissors and her knot fetish you up and run like Forest Gump....

3. If you are going to cheat on your wife make sure the woman you are seeing on the side is hotter than your wife... Google this story, the ladies in the line up are not cute and some look down right mean and angry...

A perfect story for hump day!

Playing cupid...

Nothing says you care like playing cupid for your lonely, horny and 3rd wheel single friend. It is no longer fun to get them drunk and send them home with some strange that's a 10 at 2 and a 2 at 10... Sure getting them genital warts was funny but even the humor of that has warn off so now it's time to get serious and play the role you where meant to play - the role of cupid!

Here are some tips for you so you can become the next host of Blind Date or more importantly the one person that speaks at every wedding from here to eternity... People will watch Hitch and think Will Smith should have talked with you first...

So read the following tips and then start making magic happen - for your friends...

Number 1: Knowing is everything and you know what is best....

They are your friends so it is okay to assume that you know what is best for them and what is best for them this week is getting a date with someone special and the person to deliver that gift is you. Your friends may seem happy all alone in their studio apartment with their telescope set on the hot 18 year old next door and a bottle of extra moisturizing lotion on the table next to telescope but you know better and you also know that the cops have been called on Tom, the man you who made peeping something only creepy people do... So you act fast and start trolling the junior colleges (he was caught peeping on an 18 year old, you are not trying to change his taste, you are trying to get him a girlfriend he doesn't have to sneak up on) for a nice girl that will accept him for who he is - a loser guy that is 45 making 32k a year and living off of ramen noodles.. But hey he can buy that special someone beer and he has a valid license. Score one for cupid!

Number 2: Chemistry, just keep stirring

Some people are blinded by their selfishness and that means you have to force the chemistry. Sure they may hate their blind dates laugh at first but remind them that hey also hated beer the first time they drank it and now they can't go a day without slamming an ice cold Bud.... If that is not love than what is? So drink up and let the booze dull the sound of the nails on a chalkboard, I mean that awful laugh...

Number 3: Be a coach

No matter if you are single, married or just roaming craigslist.org for the girlfriend experience you can and should give advice, after all you are playing cupid... So coach them. Let your friend know that talking about their first sexual experience on a first date is okay - after all it is a day of firsts. Telling your friend that going Dutch on dates is not a thing of the past but a thing of the future. Remember, you are not a Zen master - you are a coach so act like one and do it Bobby Knight style.

Number 4: Like the great 80's dance song go with Pressure

Diamonds are made with pressure and nothing says long lasting love like a diamond ring so that means that even though your quiver is full of arrows cupid you will also need to bring that vice grip of love. Set up the first date and then show up half way through the first date to see if it is going well. If you don't like the way the date is going step in coach and change the direction of the date, even if that means taking them out of the movie they are in. Call after week one and make sure they have gone out at least 2 times, if not than set up date 2 and 3... Make it happen captain... I mean you pressure cooking, arrow shooting, cupid coach...

There you have it, 4 sure fire tips to make you go from a friend that sets up bar room hookups to a friend that builds long lasting loving relationships that will last longer than herpes or genital warts... Go get em cupid!

And we still keep on knocking them boots...

With a divorce rate at over 45% many people want to know what it takes to make a marriage/relationship work and when this question pops up so does my name as the expert on lasting relationships.... After all I am 35 and single, making my relationship with myself the longest relationship I have ever had... How did I do it? Great question.. How can you do it? I have some great answers...

Coming in at number 1: Go tell it on the mountain

The number on killer of relationships is secrecy so I recommend making sure that everyone, even strangers know about your relationship - from the first date to the 50th year of love or stalking... Plus you can't cheat if all you are doing is playing the role of repeat, opening every conversation with - "so i am in a relationship... and your name is?" Some may say privacy is the answer and those people are called cheaters... To keep all the people of this great world informed I recommend that following: 1. Tattoos of each others names and pet names, you can't name one couple that got tattoos of their lovers name and pet name that are now divorced. 2. Matching t-shirts rocking "I am in love with the person - sorry you lost out." 3. Put your relationship on TV - the glue of any good relationship is found on a reality show.

Coming in at number 2: Romantic knockout punch

All long lasting relationships rock you like a hurricane. Find someone, fall in love in the first 24 minutes, get married in the first 24hrs and find love and adventure for the next 50 years... There is no better love story than the fast paced and loving romance of Perry Mason and Nancy Drew. They got married 35 minutes after meeting each other and for the next fifty years treated their relationship like a case to be solved - unfolding each others mysteries. None of that is true but if it was that would be a great love story - now go make it your love story!

Coming in at number 3: Jump into Marriage Too Fast

I cannot state this fact enough. Like winning numbers at Vegas, when you feel it go for it... Don't wait and find out later that something is wrong with that special someone - that just gives you an out to not stay in the relationship and that makes you a excuse finding quitter and nobody likes an excuse finding quitter...

Follow these 3 gems of advice and you will find something amazing - at the very least you will have a story to tell your friends and family if you live through it all...