Put up your dukes - its time to fight!

Who are you when you fight? Are you Chris Brown throwing blows and pulling hair (if you are then go find a tall building and jump off of it)? Are you Janice Dickinson brazenly charging in with accusations, a smattering of profanity and hope to crudely beat your point across? Perhaps you are the Prefontaine of fighting, as soon as a strong word is uttered you just run and come back a week later when the dust has settled... No matter who you are, today's blog will teach you how to be a better, stronger and faster fighter. Think of yourself as Jared from Subway right now, after this blog you can consider yourself Roy Jones Jr.

Number 1: "You are a mental midget, so when you tell me your problems I am going solve them, God knows you can't."

This is a good response to your significant other that just comes home and starts complaining... That complaining leads to fighting so it is up to you to stop the complaining in its tracks. Thank goodness you are there to solve their problems. The reality is, you are not Oprah - you are smarter and thinner than her. Drop your knowledge on your special someone and then get up and walk away. When she comes to her senses and realizes that you are only here to help her, she will offer you a massage and a night of hot loving...

Number 2: "Shut up and listen to me."

One of the first things that should fly out of your pie hole during an argument is shut up. You need to make yourself the boss! Who is the boss? You are the boss! Own the argument, own the time of yelling and screaming, own the subtle put downs. Plus a good woman listens so when you tell her to shut up, she will because she is a good woman..

Number 3: "I hate your mom."

Sure the fight may begin with you not doing your part... So be smarter and change the subject to something more relevant like mother in laws.... She says you never mowed the lawn, you tell her that her mother is a two bit pirate hooker and her dad is likely the mailman... Now you have a fight you can win. The lawn, that is why there are neighborhood kids how need 5 bucks..

Number 4: "Why are you telling me this crap, this is your problem, not mine."

When she gets angry that you lost the mortgage money on lotto tickets reminder her that it is her problem, not yours. Your not upset that you don't have the mortgage money - you could win the lotto and that would mean you could loose the double chinned blow hard fun killer that always yells at you for a 20 something hottie with a slamming body who only cared about pleasing you... Don't be afraid to throw this dime into the mix, that usually shuts them up... Oh and end this super burn with a zip it or a shut up...

Number 5: "I settled on you."

Nothing throws off an argument better than this ultimate proclamation of subtle affection. You have called her fat, you have told her that her mom is a whore and you have told her that if, check that - when, you win the lotto you will dump her for a hot 20 year old... Well now it is time to let her know that you have settled on her... Sure you could have gone for a younger, hotter girl but you where tired and she was willing to stick around.. As hard as it can be to say during a verbal smack down, it is an immediate reminder of the basic bond you share.

Hit print, fold this gem up and keep it with you so you can win your next fight! TGIF...

Dating wins...

In the confusing and awkward world of dating there are certain things you must do. Most of you don't do them but you should. Today I am going to clearly layout 4 things you must do while you are dating... The next time your married friends say no, you can say - "I am dating, so yes I will be doing...."

The number 1 thing to do while dating is....

He/She may have lost that loving feeling but they still know how to touch you like smooth criminal... If the one you are dating flakes on you it is okay - no, it is recommended that you call up your ex for a little "no pants dance." Educating a new lover takes time so while you are putting the new lover through training it is okay to go back and play with your old teammate or teammates you dirty pirate hooker...

The number 2 thing to do while dating is....

Sharing is caring party people and nothing spells out care like sharing pictures of you in your birthday suit - unless you are a guy, men don't look good naked so lets make the naked picture sharing a one way street and that street is ladies only... Thanks for sharing ladies and keep those pics coming... In return us guys will buy you more shots of tequila at the bar..

The number 3 thing to do while dating is...

We are all real people and real people do real things like poop. I encourage you to poop in front of your new, even if they are temporary, partner. Poor bowel movements can lead to cancer and are a sign of poor health. When you let your new friend know that you have an active and healthy colon you are letting them know that you will live to see tomorrow and probably the next day. For those of you being pooped in front of... If their poop floats then they have a high fat, high meat diet... Help them change their eating ways...

The number 4 thing to do while dating is...

When you ask us if you look fat in those jeans we say "no" out loud and "yes" in our head.. In return we ask that you yell "yes" out loud in bed, even if in your head you are saying "no." To be blunt, it is OK to fake an orgasm. Don't trip, sometimes we men fake them... Some people will say that when you fake an orgasm you are misleading your partner - "wrong." Your partner just needs some more training, hence the reason for rule number one... Real orgasms allow you to know how to fake, fake orgasms - plus a fake orgasm can burn some extra calories chubby...

And that is how you complete the circle of knowledge - start and end with having sex with your ex while you nurture your growing, new relationship... Have a great Thursday party people and enjoy the coming weekend...

Any thoughts for Friday's blog? Perhaps a guide to being the ultimate wing man? You can ask my friends - I am one of the best wing man of all time...

The buzz

When an eldery man gets tased, well that is just good old fashioned police work...

GLENROCK, Wyo. – Glenrock Police Chief Tom Sweet said two officers "probably didn't do things the best way" when they used a Taser on a 76-year-old man driving an antique tractor in a parade.

RWN: First, what is the threat is driving an antique tractor - unless it is not his tractor... Second, it is not like you are speeding during a parade so why not let the old goat finish the "race" and nab him on the turn? Third, besides beating you off with his cane and oxygen tank what physical threat leads to tasing a 76 year old man?

Some at Monday's meeting called for the two officers to be fired. Several people who witnessed the event told the crowd police repeatedly shocked Grose with a taser.

RWN: I love a good Mid-West town hall meeting and I love a Mid-West cop who's prior qualifications included the head of security at the Mall of America and high points leader in Halo... The final quote in the story from the sheriff really says it all -
"I don't want to take a knee-jerk reaction now," he said.

RWN: Unlike the knee jerk reaction to taser a 76 year old man that wanted to show off his tractor and be a part of the Deer Day Parade... The sad part is that this news story was posted in the Odd News section - the crazy, racist, power tripping cop section was too full and the real news could not find Wyoming... There is nothing wrong

Keeping it cool

I am no expert on being awesome but I do have some insights based on my awesome friends... So what makes a guy awesome? What can a guy do or say that will seal the deal like "yellow and blue making green" - zip lock and its sealed? I have made some calls and I have some answers... Go from creepy to keeping it cool with these sure fire tips...

Lock it down:

Like love at first site, if you like the girl then lock it down... During your first date start making plans for another date... If they are available have a "chance" meeting with your parents at the restaurant. Now she knows more about you and if you played your cards right she will bring her parents on date two - unless you planned a romantic get away to Lake Tahoe, then wait for date 3 to meet her dad... And don't smile so big around her dad, he knows what you two kids have been up to...

GPS:

Caring is sharing and monitoring where your new special someone is at all times. I recommend a court ordered ankle monitoring system but most women find that they don't go with every outfit so here are some alternatives: a GPS chip on her car; ping her cell number a follow her based on cell tower triangulation; pay a private investigator to follow her; buy a second car, quit your job and follow her... You just want to be with her as much as possible. This scenario works best when dating a sugar mamma...

Compliments are key:

By compliments I mean body parts... Complimenting a woman's hair is old hat - everyone does it. And nice nails - you might as well say she has a pretty mouth Deliverance boy... I recommend complimenting body parts... Breasts, fallopian tubes, lower back, ankles (women are always worried about kankles) or her vagina... All good body parts to compliment on a first or second date over dinner..

Check baby, check baby... 1, 2, 3....

It is a scary world out there and dating is not for the faint of heart so do your home work and by homework I mean a background check, credit check and perhaps watch her closely for a week before making drinks or dinner plans. Plus great conversations start with, "I saw you getting ready tonight and I really wish you would have gone with the tighter blue top and the spring skirt. BTW, you have great 34 C breasts but you need a new nude colored bra. Sweater kitten shopping after dinner?"

Macro - Micro... Acquire your target and lock it in:

Women leave the house everday and wonder if they look hot so I have developed the macro and micro eye lock. First the macro: look her up and down following every curve letting her know that you see it all... Women love that. After a good macro eye lock go micro and focus on your favorite part. If you have favorite parts let her know with cool transitions like - "moving from booty to booby... and I am locked in."

Be a Hardy Boy:

When you land your first date make sure to pick her up at her place. Get there a bit early so she let's you in and then promptly use the restroom. When you get into the restroom open every drawer to learn more about her... Jock itch cream - conversation starter and something the two of you have in common. If you get a chance cruise the laundry room and see what your new girl is working with...

There you go kids. Some sure fire tips to stay cool and let that special lady friend know that you want more than just one date...

The stalker song...

I have been wanting to do this blog ever since I heard this song - the problem was that I never knew the name of the song. Well I got the artist and name of the song... Men, be scared... Ladies, stop singing along... This is the kind of song that leads to a boiled bunny, slit wrists and restraining orders..

Artist: Taylor Swift (she seems so cute and innocent but really she is a crazy, knife wielding stalker)

Song: You Belong To Me (usually the song title would be enough but I really want to drive this message home)

Lyrics (with my comments):

Shes going off about something that you said
Cause she doesn’t get your humor like I do
I’m in my room, it’s a typical Tuesday night
I’m listening to the kind of music she doesn’t like
And she’ll never know your story like I do

RWN: First, creepy. How does she know that there is a phone conversation going on between the two of them? Second, how does she know what kind of music his lady likes? Third, how come she knows him so well? The song just starts off so wrong... Fourth, there is nothing typical about this girls stalking Tuesday night..

But she wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts
She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up
And find what you’re looking for has been here the whole time

RWN: As long as this girl is in t-shirts sitting in the bleachers this girl will never get a guy... Trust me you little stalker, the only way he is going to find you is if he looks out his window finds you hiding the bushes...

If you could see that I’m the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can’t you see
You belong with me, you belong with me

RWN: You creepy, crazy stalker - who wrote these lyrics? Did Taylor Swift just take a couple of her stalkers love letters and make a song? If so they need some lyrical credit for the song that should have been names stalkers paradise...

Walkin’ the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can’t help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey isn’t this easy

RWN: What she is leaving out is that she is really not walking with him, she is walking 105 yards behind him per the judges orders... Still in her sick mind this is how it ought to be...

And you’ve got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven’t seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say you’re fine, I know you better then that
Hey whatcha doing with a girl like that

RWN: A hot cheerleader in a short skirt never brings a guy down... A stalker in a t-shirt, that will kill a smile and social life... And to answer her question, he is having fun with the cheerleader... What are you doing with those night vision goggles?

She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
Shes cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time

RWN: When he wakes up he is going to have a horse head and a pair of high heels on his pillow next to him... On the oven a bunny boiling... In the microwave, his girlfriends pom poms... In the shower, his stalker... And some of you thought love was dead... Nope, just following you from afar..

If you could see that I’m the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can’t you see
You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know baby
You belong with me, you belong with me

RWN: First, if he does not notice you then he does not belong to you... Second, if you are the only one planning a future with him, well there are some doctors you should see and some pills you should take - NO, watching FOX's show Mental while eating fruity pebbles is not an acceptable...

Oh, I remember you drivin’ to my house in the middle of the night
I’m the one who makes you laugh, when you know you’re ’bout to cry
And I know your favorite songs and you tell me ’bout your dreams
Think I know where you belong, think I know it’s with me

RWN: He is crying because you went Misery on him and broke his ankles so that he would never leave you... He is not a piece of property or meat you nut bag, he is a young man that loves a cheerleader - accept that and go back to playing World of Warcraft online...

Can’t you see that I’m the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can’t you see
You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time How could you not know
Baby you belong with me, you belong with me
You belong with me
Have you ever thought just maybe you belong with me
You belong with me

RWN: There you have it the stalkers song.. This girl is a nut bag.. The worst part is that other girls sing along to this song. Now girls think it is okay to wear jeans, sneakers and t-shirts over high heals, tight shirts and skirts... Cheerleaders are good people that understand the needs of men, NOT the stalker in this song..