Where did who go????

I LOVE Craigslist Missed Connections section. It is just too much fun. I could go into a detailed explanation or I could just start cutting, pasting and commenting... Lets go for option 2.

Headline: JB I still love you - w4m (Cypress/Costa Mesa)

Text: JB- Don't give up on us. It is never to late to start over. I am sorry! Dump her and our family can be back together. I really miss you! Feet up-Feet down . You know how happy we can be. How much we laughed together. Our boys by our side. K

Thoughts: I can only assume that call phone calls, emails and text messages that she sent have not been responded to.... It is amazing to think that she believes that he is on craigslist looking for her comments and thoughts on their relationship... I only wish he would reply by re posting her crazy emails and text messages... If only.

Headline: 1am Jogger on 1st street - w4m (Tustin)

Text: Couldn't stop to say hello, but would have liked to.

Thoughts: Is she a jogger or a burglar running from the scene? I think the police should check this out first... Second, does a guy really want a girl that can only find time to jog at 1am? When will our epic date be? And young lady if you are meeting a guy at 1am he is either a peeping Tom or drunk and coming out of a bar. Keep on making great choices like posting your feelings for a guy on CL and jogging at 1am - I will keep my eye out for you on the crime blotter...

Headline: Alberstsons - w4m - 27 (Costa Mesa)

Text: You were at Albertsons last night on Harbor...We kinda locked eyes when you were getting a cart & I was getting out of my car. Then we kept running into each other in the store, you were shopping with a guy I'm assuming was your roommate. Anyways if this sounds familiar and you remember me and maybe there was some kind of attraction we should get together for a drink sometime...

Comments: You can tell a lot about a person from what they buy at the store. The guy that buys ramen, ramen and more ramen is not poor - he is saving up to take you on a date or cook for you his special recipe: ramen and chicken... Per the posters comments, how rude of her to think that the man he is with is just his roommate - they could have been lovers. I am sick of how people post things on CL that are just full of assumptions.. I hope this woman dies alone with cupboards full of ramen noodles and all of her cats feasting on her corpse

Headline: Saw you at beach cities scuba - w4m (Dana Point)

Text: It was Sunday. You were heading out right as I walked out from the classroom in the back. I sat on the curb and waited for my friend who went to go grab something from inside. Anyways, you were cute. Maybe we can meet at the beach since that looked to be where you were headed.

Comments: I wish this guy would respond and go, yeah lets meet at the beach. Sounds great to me. The beach. That is like telling someone to meet you in LA. Really? The beach is a very general term. When I go to the beach I actually go to a bar - Mutt Lynches. Cute girls, cold beer and 0% chance of an Irish sun tan or skin cancer... So who wants to bump into me while I am in NYC?

Headling: OPD officer - w4m - 25 (City of Orange)

Text: So random but I can't stop thinking about a possible connection. You responded to a break in at my house. You were so cute. We talked about our dogs... Hopefully you find this. Respond and we will see...

Comments: This is the same woman that thinks the checkout guy at Albertsons is flirting with her when he says hello. I bet she was shocked when the 911 operator asked for her name and address.. Even more shocked when the officer wanted to see her ID and then look through her house. More importantly, you just know that when office XYZ is not flirting with ladies who have just experienced a B&E he is cruising CL to see who has posted how hot he is...

Thanks CL and thanks for reading... Happy Friday..

No, I love me more...

Warning: The content contains content language of a frank and explicit nature. This blog is for mature audiences only...

Wow, the first time I have felt the need to use a warning before starting a blog.... To the frank and explicit content...

I was looking through the relationship section of Yahoo! - not the online dating but the relationship advice section (Yahoo! - Glamour - Cosmo is where I get most of my inspiration) and found an interesting gem... 5 tips on how to better make love to yourself. What? Yes, that is correct they came up with 5 tips. I thought we should look at the 5 tips and break them down. So here we go - How to go from treating your body like a carnival ride to treating it like the lover you wish you had...

Number 1: Read erotic fiction.

Really? I don't know how Fabio and 750 pages can get your motor running... War and Peace the porno version will not only take you 2 years to finish but the time between hot sex scenes is hundreds of pages. Unlike a DVD or VHS tape you can't fast forward you just have to keep on reading with your pants off. Have your tried reading half or fully naked? Reading is all about a full set of clothes, some reading glasses and a snuggie... Not naked with a page staining astroglide next to you. Don't even get me started on the danger of "paper cuts."

Number 2: Write erotic fiction

More horrible advice. Get past just writing naked. Try to layout some paper, write something hot and then what? The reality is that you are going to get going and get hot and then your penmanship is going to go downhill.... Then as you are about to reach that moment you are lost because you can't read your own hand writing... Then you get a bad flash back of your 3rd grade teaching busting your balls about how not one person in the class can read your writing... Then you go from erotic fiction, some ink stains and a good time to full on depression and the unbreakable link of sex, fiction and your 3rd grade teacher judging your performance... You might as well become a priest..

Number 3: Watch porn

Really? That is like telling Jimmy Swaggart that hiring the hooker to masturbate in front of him while he did the same was just like watching porn only live... The tips from Yahoo! where prefaced with how to make love to yourself NOT how to degrade yourself and the people on film... There is nothing hot about watching a guy go to bank, make a deposit and then make another deposit... In fact all it does is make me hate the bank when the hot banker lady just blows me off - in the bad way, not the good way... Watch porn... Please... Worst advice ever. Porn is what you watch when you are treating your body like a jungle gym, not when you are "making love" to yourself...

Number 4: Don't take yourself for granted

After reading and writing erotic fiction and then giving it up for some good old fashioned porn remember to not take yourself for granted... So before you rent Hot Moms or write your epic porn novel - Free Willy, remember to take yourself out to dinner or buy yourself something nice and sexy that shows off all your positives and hides all your negatives...

Number 5: Join an online dating site to "window shop"

Nothing makes me feel better than knowing that some chronic masturbator is using my online dating profile to window shop.... That is not making love to yourself that is Amsterdam - just a mouse click away... First date conversation must be amazing.... "So I was window shopping and you pitched my tent and here we are...." We all love to know that there are really special ways that you thought of us before our date... Window shopping - cute term... Gross results...

Sadly those where 5 real tips from Yahoo! on how to better make love to yourself... I will end with this - "why are you so bad America?"

Time to get you texting...

Nothing says I love you at this moment or want you right now than a good old fashioned drunk text message... Shots of tequila, ice cold beers and instant communication go hand in hand - they are almost as perfect a combination as peanut butter and jelly or french fries and ranch dressing or the two statements - "I am pregnant" followed by "But is it mine" followed by "You jerk we are married" followed by "So you are avoiding the question because you are a cheating whore"....

After reading today's blog you can go 10 shots of tequila and 15 beers deep and the only problem you will have is the fact that your fingers are so big and those keys are soooo small and blurry...

DTT (Drunk Texting Tip) number 1: Technology has no limits

With mobile uploads to Facebook, mobile tweets, IM and texting - technology has an answer to your drunk banter.... If you are talented drunk you can learn how to slur your words in your texting... As a side note, slurring while tweeting will limit what you can tweet. Secondary side note, while drunk think about mobile uploading photos to your Facebook... Let the world feel what you are feeling - if only Facebook was scratch n sniff...

DTT number 2: Get a better phone

The only way drunking texting can suck is if you have a horrible phone... Get a PDA to most effectively drunk text - full keyboard, flash with the camera, speakerphone and full Internet. Sharing is caring and drunk sharing is honest caring... Women and men love a drunk text with a technological flare. If you have an iPhone get some apps that allow you to edit video, add icons into your text messages or have the text make a weird sound when opened... Embrace your booze with tech it is the final frontier...

DTT number 3: The Secret Method

Let's play adult here for a minute and get to the skinny of why you are drunk texting... You want something and it usually is the no pants dance with that girl/guy you met 12 hours ago when you where sober... Don't let being drunk get in the way of getting what you want. Text your feelings. Text your wants. Text your desires. Remember, just like the hit book The Secret - you need to visualize what you want so you can achieve it via drunk texting... Focus young grasshopper...

DTT number 4: Our first baby started with a drunk text

You can't plan unwanted pregnancies and you can't plan who you will be drunk texting at 2am when the bar is closed but you are not ready to go home alone... In this virgining relationship know your role... Drunk texter - don't make sense but don't sound scary or in trouble. Drunk text receiver - understand that with booze comes honesty and the person texting you is showing you their unveiled wants and desires so accept them and make room for them in your bed... It will be a story that you can tell you bastard child...

Happy Hump Day - no go get bombed and start texting...

Your poo and you...

Poop and buggers are the dirty little secrets in life - we are in some way fascinated by both but we never talk about them... Try this little test. Make a girl cry. When girls cry their nose runs. Hand her a tissue. She will blow her nose and then look in the tissue to see what she just blew out of her nose - that is her subconscious saying, "what about the bugger?" And per the poo - ask yourself this question... How does a blind person know when they are done wiping? We have all had the traditional 3 wipe and after a road trip loading up on hot dogs, Taco Bell and Coke the uncomfortable 10 wipe... Now you are thinking...

And that brings us to one of the greatest mysteries in life - why does some poop float and some poop sink? I don't have all the answers so I reached out to my friends at PoopReport.com - the one stop shop for all things poop related... Oddly enough they cannot or do not explain why monkeys throw their poop at each other... But that is a different blog for a different time.

According to PoopReport.com: Conventional medical wisdom attributes Floaters to the amount of fat in your poop (I also caught this theory on House). While this IS true for certain diseases (cystic fibrosis, celiac disease, biliary atresia, abetalipoprotenimia and a few other weird sounding illnesses), it is NOT true for your run-of-the-mill healthy person.

PoopReport.com goes on to state the following: Vegetarians would have you believe that the "perfect" stool (that is, one uncontaminated by the consumption of animal parts) is the Floater (No way my bugs bunny friends - the perfect poop is the one that clears out a restroom for at least 15 to 20 minutes. The kind of smell that burns your eyes and makes you gag. And yes this kind of poop floats - hence the pungent smell). Many vegetarians have spent their entire lives in the quest to produce perfection -- when in fact no particular diet can reliably produce Floaters. The vast majority of us bring forth Sinkers.

I had a great set of sinkers this morning when I took the Cleavland Browns to the Super Bowl.

Some other fun and odd quips from PoopReport.com -

Worthy children of a Classical, Romantic and, most tellingly, bourgeois aesthetic, we can hardly be blamed for several centuries of discomfort, in both our teaching and our writing, when faced with works that deal with that last taboo, what Victor Hugo evocatively called the 'last veil' clouding our vision of the truth. Sexuality in all its myriad forms has long been the darling of academic readers, a once marginalized, now legitimate field of critical investigation, commentary and theory building. Scatology, however, arguably an even more universal function than sexuality, still retains the power to make us blush, to provoke shame and embarrassment.

Maybe you would like to poop for peace? Here is how:

It doesn't matter whether you poop for peace at home, work, or a Starbucks in between. What matters is this: leave your newspaper on the couch. Leave your magazine at your desk. Enter the bathroom with nothing to distract you, with only this printout to guide you.

Close the door, bare your butt, and sit on the toilet as normal. Do not, however, yet poop.

Instead, focus on that feeling in your colon. Think about it. Savor it. Analyze it --this pressure, this urgency, this unrelenting imperative no man or woman can deny. Think of the millions of people in your country feeling the exact same urgency at the exact same time. Think of the BILLIONS of people in the world who felt this urgency in the last twenty-four hours.

There are six billion people in the world, and every single one of us is intimately familiar with the exact sensation you're experiencing right now.

Now, let it flow. And as you do --

Think of the rich man, with all his finery.
Think of the President, with all his worries.
Think of Kim Jong Il, with all his anger.
Think of the Somali people, with all their problems.
Think of Dame Judi Dench, with all her dignity.
Think of the migrant worker, with all his worries.
Think of the Dalai Lama, with all his holiness.
Think of Alan Greenspan, with all his regret.
Think of John Elway, with all his total awesomeness.
Think of those pirates, with all their desperation.
Think of the Supreme Court, with all its gravitas.
Think of the Simon Cowell, with all his snarkiness.
Think of your mother, with all her love.

Think of the one thing they have in common.

Finish your poop.

As you stand up, look down. This is the sight that greets Martha Stewart every morning in her mansion. This is the sight that greets Prince Charles every morning in his castle. No matter your skin color, your religion, or your sex, this is proof of your membership in the human race.

This brown monolith, bobbing gently in the jaundiced water, represents the most basic human urges. Each one of us -- popes, presidents, politicians, patriots, peasants, policemen, your parents, and on -- each one of us has the same needs, wants, and desires. We all must eat, must drink, and must poop. Whatever our differences are, they pale in comparison to the great commonality: we are all human beings. And boy, does each of us stink.

Flush the toilet.

Let the sound of the water cleanse you of your antagonistic worldview. As your stagnant grogan drains down the pipes, let your antipathy drain with it. And that clear, clean, fresh water refilling in the bowl -- let that represent the purity of your soul, refreshed and renewed as your still-quivering asshole.

Leave this printout in the bathroom for the next pooper.

Don't forget to wipe.

Go to poopreport.com/Peace and share in mankind's triumph.

Happy Tuesday....

I am back and full of advice...

After a week in Orlando attending Surf Expo 2009 I am finally back in Southern California - sleeping in my own bed, catching up on my TIVO and looking for a new place to live... Good clean living. I could rant on and on about Surf Expo but that would just put you to sleep... Plus, as an international yacht captain and the fastest gas pumper in the West you come here for relationship advice so let's stick with what works...

After talking with ladies in swim suits all week long I found out that you ladies have some questions for the fellas out there... So I took some notes, that is kind of a lie - I did not write anything down but mentally I took some notes and these are the questions that I remember... The answers - fueled by Starbucks and Red Bull with a dash of MENSA and wit...

Question number 1: Do men ever fantasize about the one that got away? After you've broken up with a hot young thing, do you ever think about getting back together with her?

Answer: This is a tricky question. If it was a passion fueled weekend fling than the answer is yes. If it was a 2 year relationship that finally ended than no. The difference - one is a moment that make you feels like James Bond, but this girl won't kill you... The other is like watching Sex in the City and your special someone is making you drink white wine and eat cheese.. All you can think is kill me and all she can think is, "I hope this is a back to back episode." No man wants to relive the time he almost got his period. Every man wants to fantasize about ravaging a hot and sexy woman for a weekend - especially if she is foreign and hence does not talk....

Question number 2: Do men consider online chatting cheating? Is it wrong to flirt online?

Answer: Some questions first? Does your online flirting involve a webcam? As your man are you going to make me subscribe to your "chat sessions?" Never mind, if you are looking for love on the information super highway and you have a profile on Match.com than yes we consider it cheating... Let your man double click your mouse not some creepy guy - unless you are making some serious money and taking us out with that cash... If you are playing online whore and sugar momma than it is not cheating, it is business and we are now your pimp!

Question number 3: Can men live without sex? How badly do men need to get it on?

Answer: First, worst question ever asked by a hot Amish swimsuit model... Yes we can live without sex and yes there will be more violence in the world the longer you play the role of the AMEX black card verses the role of a McDonald's drive through... Get the picture? Ladies, none of us can live without sex and don't throw the priest thing in my face that is a classic misinterpretation of the bible - the Hebrew translation is celebrate not celibate... If you want to stop the bombs and gun fire I recommend more of the no pants dance with your man.... Finally, no legalizing pot is not a secondary option.. Find a new man that is not a webcam subscriber that will play your control - alt - delete lover...

Question number 4: Why do attached men flirt with single women?

Answer: Why do professional athletes go to practice? Answer - they need to stay in game shape. If attached/married guys did not flirt with hot single ladies than they would not know how the game has changed... We are naturally lazy ladies. Flirting with single women allows us to sharpen our game and continually impress you... Example - we would still be rocking mullets if it was not for your single lady friends that told us a new hair cut would make us look hot... Acid washed jeans - would still be rocking them... Hammer pants - those gems where comfy and we are not wearing them because a single woman wanted to see us in Dockers and then in G-Stars and now in True Religion jeans... So let us flirt with single woman so that you can reap the rewards of a hip, good looking man that knows what the woman of today wants...

Happy Monday party people....