What is on your mind?

The weekend is right around the corner... This weekend comes with a bonus - no work on Monday... If you play your cards right this weekend will come with another bonus - the no pants dance... But what about after the no pants dance... What is the naked or partially clothed person with messy hair next to you thinking? I am here to tell you because you are too afraid to ask...

Coming in at number 1: Why did I do that?

This question is usually asked after a night of tequila when you wake up next to a chowder hound. Your contacts are fuzzy and your trying to piece together the evening while not waking the wildebeest next to you... Find wallet. Find shirt. Find pants. Be quiet. Take long hot shower, cry and promise to never drink again - that promise will last for 12 hours and then back to tequila and strangers getting some strange.... Maybe next time you will get lucky and be the wildebeest... One can dream

Number 2: Will there be a season 2?

The cool thing about safe boring missionary sex is that you get to evolve from there. If you start with latex, candle wax and something that needs to be powered by V 12 generator then you have to ask - will the Indiana Jones in you wonder if there is another "cave" to exlpore? If you wake up tied to the bed with a sock duct taped in your mouth - well Thank You Wedding Crashers and thank you Match.com.. And thank the lady for using the sock from the drawer and not the one you rocked all day long in the 100 degree heat...

Number 3: News alert

She had a bird in her hair. She had a nice smile. She went shot for shot with you at the bar. You went home with her. You had a great time. She had a great time. Now you have to ask yourself - how will you tell your friends? Men are like TMZ covering the hollywood scene. We are breaking the news right after we have well - you know... But how we tell our friends is a different story. There are three ways to tell. 1. Right after - you sneak out at 4am and start making calls before your cell dies. 2. Play it cool - breakfast the next morning comes with a we hooked up but she is a nice girl and we may catch a movie this week. 3. The dirty details - Sunday Funday with a dash of drinking and way to many details... Number 3 is when you played the role of Indiana Jones...

Side note: It is 91 here at 10am and a woman just jogged by my office in jeans and a sweatshirt. She must not sweat. I just pitted out watching her jog by.. And now I also have bat wings...

Number 4: The play by play

Both parties do this - they run the play by play in their heads and sometimes to a Sports Center game recap highlighting the fun times and a couple of the errors... I recommend the play by play recap... One you get to learn something... Two, you get to teach something. Three, it is an open door to play a double or triple header that day (See how I kept the sports theme - good work by me. All sports in some way relate to sex in the terminology - names, calling the game, etc... The tight end. He went all the way. Punching it in...). The play by play adds more sex to your sex life...

Go labor between the sheets this weekend party people...

The drug war goes to far...

The drug war in Mexico - a real true to life war... Police chiefs are being killed. Mexican government officials are being killed... And now people in rehab are being killed - making Mexican drug lords the more notorious and less forgiving than loan sharks...

Earlier this week a gunman walked into a rehabilitation clinic in Mexico and killed 17 people attempting to stop their drug addiction. This is taking the drug war and drug sales to the next level... Kill the cops who are trying to stop your team from creating, processing and selling drugs - standard... Killing officials for creating new laws that directly impact your drug trade - standard... Killing people in rehab for being quitters - a whole new ball game! This is like going from recording on the VHS player to landing a DVR - next level...

The marketing and PR world could learn a lesson or two from the Mexican drug cartel...

From the drug war to the armless but not helpless...

It is standard that when you cash a check you provide both identification and a thumb print on the back of the check next to the person's signature... This is a SOP for all Bank of America locations... Sadly this rule applies to those without arms. For those a bit lost - if you don't have arms, it usually means you don't have hands and that means you don't have fingers...

I would have hoped that the bank employee would have told the armless man that a big toe print would also suffice - then at least while humiliating the man they could have got an armless man on video taking his shoes off and on... A great way to win America's funniest home videos and pay back some of that TARP money... See now we all win and still get to openly make fun of the handicapable...

Happy Thursday...

Burn the books

In the land of the free and the home of the brave we love to limit freedom... Today we are going to look at books that have been banned and why.... To my religious right fans - remember when you start banning books you open the door for your books to be banned... And we can't have that now can we...

Uncle Bobby’s Wedding.

Challenged at the Douglas County Libraries in Castle Rock, Colo. (2008)because “some material may be inappropriate for young children.” The children’s book features two gay guinea pigs. A resident requested that the book be removed from the library and placed in a special area or labeled “some material may be inappropriate for young
children.”

Thoughts: First we all know that guinea pigs are gay... Look at them. Especially the male guinea pigs - light, fluffy and furry with their little screams when they get scared. Second, if you don't want your kids reading about gay guinea pigs have them read about gay crime fighters like the Hardy Boys....

Bless Me, Ultima

Pubns. Banned from the Orestimba High School’s English classes in Newman, Calif. by the superintendent after complaints that the book is profane and anti-Catholic. Teachers claimed that the superintendent circumvented the district’s policies on book challenges and set a dangerous precedent. The book is about a boy maturing, asking questions about evil, justice, and the nature of God.

Thoughts: We know that only bad things happen when people in power, especially the Catholic church, are questioned. Blind faith is the only way to go... Well blind faith and pedophile priests that can be transferred all over the world so they can hide from justice and fill out their little boy flavor chart. The Catholic Church is the 31 flavors of perverts... Only religion will tell us what we can and cannot question while at the same time being one of the most destructive and evil groups in the world... Maybe they should start wars while rapping children - oh wait they already do that.. But books about questioning evil and God are bad...

The Lesbian Kama Sutra.

Restricted minors’ access in the Topeka and Shawnee County, Kans. Public Library
(2009) because a group contended that the material is “harmful to minors under state law.”

Thoughts: This book does not have to be burned it starts fires all by itself.. Cheese and rice Martha... WOW! The book should be banned if it is all words and no pictures. If it is a mix then leave it alone, kids never read the words and for anyone that has seen a Kama Sutra book knows that pictures without words and proper stretching is just a visit to your local doctor - an embarrassing visit where your head may actually be stuck up your lovers ass...

The Catcher in the Rye.

Challenged in the Big Sky High School in Missoula, Mont.

Thoughts: Celebrating dumb ranchers and men that kill puppies with too much just hits a bit to close to home... Thank goodness there is not chapter dedicated helping sheep over the fence...

Mate hunting... Errr Vacation

Ladies it is time for you to learn some multi-tasking. The next time you go on vacation use the time wisely to look for a man. Don't run the Vegas slogan of keeping things in Vegas - treat your vacation like a drunken wedding or herpes so that what happens on your vacation stays with you for ever and ever amen... Now read this - 4 places to find a man while on vacation

Number 1 - Local lover:

Irish Car Bombs, cold n' cheap draft beer with a dash of local flavor... You may find that you love your vacation spot - so much that you want to live there. Don't get caught up in the finances of moving. Hit up some local dive bars and find a man that makes good money but is not big on the good looks. Win him over in one night, have him move you and your stuff to your new favorite destination and then make the choice - stay with him or find a new guy... You could even become the local lover and share your new found genital warts with guys coming to your port you dirty pirate hooker...

Number 2 - Chlorine, pee and a man in a speedo:

If you are staying at a hotel and you want to land a man do it the old fashioned way... Order a Pina Colada and wait by the pool. Find the guy that is on his 3rd bucket of beers and has found a way not to leave the pool all day... Swim up to him and his warm ring of water and let the flirting while drinking his long neck bottles... You get free beer and the benefit of being with a man that is open, open enough that he will make out with in public (showing he open to initial feelings of lust) and a man that is secure enough to pee in front of you and hundreds of other people... Don't go for the shy guy that keeps running off to the bathroom. That is the guy that will get some weird foot fungus from going barefoot in the restroom (you don't want a foot fungus and genital warts - pick the one you already have).... Pee in the pool guy is a winner and his pee is clean, after all it is dancing in chlorine..

Number 3 - Jump on, go to it, ride the bull:

Find a strip club that has open pole night and go work it for guys with one dollar bills, Viagra and sweat pants on... The benefits are endless. One, you land a man that appreciates the female body. Two, you land a man that is willing to give you money and all you have to do is flash some skin - no sex... Three, you land a man who's only fantasy in life is getting a stripper to go home with him - he will be wrapped around your finger for ever and ever... Or until the next stripper decides to go home with him but until then ride that double wide money train...

Number 4 - Tee it up:

Men love a woman that likes to golf. Like pool she can't be good at golf but she has to like the game and be willing to wear a short skirt, pack long clubs, drink all day and at some time during the 18 holes flash her partner while he is the process of teeing off or trying to sink a par saving put. What does this mean for the vacationing man hunter? Pack the right clothes. Don't work on your game. Finally, tip the starter to team you up with a fun good looking guy that will buy your drinks and a diamond by the 9th hole... Don't let him play the back 9 until you get the diamond... I am just saying ladies...

Happy Monday...