Gilligan!

ABC News, on a very slow news day, is reporting Cougar Cruise! A place where older women can trap, hump and then kill younger men in international waters.

The entire cougar experience happens over just a quick weekend. The cruise leaves San Diego Friday afternoon, goes to Ensenada, Mexico, and is back in California by 8 a.m. Monday morning. That gives you enough time to get VD, Swine Flu and some bad cocaine... If you are a real gamer you can make a couple extra bucks playing the role of a drug mule. That could pay for the cost of the cruise and two or three hypnosis sessions where you can clear your mind of the bad fake breasts, sprayed on tans, leathery skin and of course the botox that leaked out of your cougars skin and on to you....

In another story of taking lambs to the slaughter today the AP reports that a group of schoolchildren who reared a lamb from birth and named it Marcus has overridden objections by parents and rights activists and voted to send the animal to slaughter.

All of these kids need to be monitored as potential serial killers.... I watch Criminal Minds, CSI, The Mentalist, Law and Order, Criminal Intent, Psych, etc... All of these shows let you know that if kids start killing animals at a young age then they will kill people in the near future...

Back to the news: The educational farm was started this year, with Marcus being hand-fed by the children. The children also look after ducks, chickens, rabbits and guinea pigs. Oddly enough all of the animals at the farm are edible and at some time will be slaughtered. Even odder news, due to the rough global economy some of the kids parents protested the slaughter of the lamb and his ark like friends work at the slaughter house...

So to tie the two stories together for the slow readers... The kids are the cougars. The lamb plays the role of the young men wanted affection from the cougars. The slaughter house is the cruise ship... And the bow is officially on this little gem...

Finally, in the world of poop and pee... Word in the street is that you can no longer poop or pee on the street in Pittsburgh.

According to the AP: Pittsburgh City Council has passed an ordinance specifically banning public urination and defecation because they said other laws used to cite offenders sometimes don't hold up in court.

How bad are you at your job in the DA's office that you are losing public urination and deification cases... More importantly, who did you piss off so badly that these are the only cases you can get...

There you have it kids... Cougar cruise, lambs to the slaughter and poo and pee in Pitt!

Double up Wednesday

My dear friend H. Rogers alerted me of this gem...

We all know how I despise Internet dating... Finding someone on the information super highway is a super joke... F' E Harmony and their bogus commercials.... Internet dating is all about hooking up with someone and not having to answer any questions first. Your online profile should include a VD check list and a list of people you have already done the no pants dance with - like the friends list on FaceBook. Oh she slept with that guy? Well I should be a shoe in, after all I don't have genital warts and I don't have any bacne...

On September 11th the scope of Internet dating changed forever and ever amen... A woman who gave her son up for adoption searched him out, found him online, went on a date with him and then raped him!

For the first time ever she could honestly say, "that is not how your father did it..."

If this kid is not owning a hotel and murdering women in showers in the next 10 years then physiologists around the world need to re-think how they diagnose their patients.... This kid is going to have some serious issues.

Marrying your cousin or half sister is one thing. Having your mom find you and then cougar rape you is a whole new ball of wax... Can you imagine the screening process for the next girl/woman that wants to date this kid? DNA test - absolutely. Back ground test - must have. First date with his therapist - oh yeah... Calling Dr. Drew...

Sword, the woman that put her son up for adoption and then found him, dated him and raped him, has spoken since she first was arrested, writing on her MySpace page that she was inspired by rapper and former jailbird Lil' Kim because "she rises during the worst of obstacles."

And that is next on my list... How did Chris Hansen of Dateline's to Catch a Predator miss this lady on Myspace? The Myspace tag line should be - So you've been on Dateline too... Myspace has turned from it's music/groupie/stalking inspired roots to an online press conference for whack jobs that hunt kids... The Catholic church has secretly been funding Myspace for years now....

And to my final point. I thought adoption records got sealed up like the "who shot JFK" FBI file... A lack of funds in this mini depression has led to some loop holes and that have led to a serious breach in privacy... And a breach of something else if you know what I mean...

What should you take away from this -

1. No more Internet dating if you are adopted
2. No more Internet dating if you want a real relationship
3. End your Myspace account unless you like meeting kids online and then meeting them at home with Chris Hansen as your chaperon.
4. No more Internet dating people that are old enough to be your parents
5. Don't ever use Myspace to find a date

Corpses copulating... No really

Sex - a dirty little fun haver word.... For millions of years parents have been trying to stop their "kids" from have sex... The church of course has been trying to stop premarital sex since the church decided that sex was for breeding and not for fun... Both parents and the church have failed and in the light of each groups failure is science... Science has figured out a way to stop kids from having sex and ensuring that married couples will never have sex again...

Our friends at Body Works (the people that put entire corpses, stripped of skin to reveal the muscles and organs underneath, in lifelike and often theatrical positions) have come out with new show - corpses having sex... Don't worry, just like all Body Works shows these corpses will not have any flesh - it will just be muscle, tendons and bones doing the no pants dance...

According to the shows creator: "It's not my intention to show certain sexual poses. My goal is really to show the anatomy and the function," Body Worlds creative director Whalley told Reuters in an interview, adding the sex exhibition may open next year.

Some of the poses the corpses will be in include reverse cowgirl, the sanctuary, Lego land, the wall press but oddly enough not missionary...

You understand that these are real corpses - this is not Hollywood party people. No wax museum here kids... Real dead people... This show is so bad that the people that brought us Hitler and the skinhead movement had this to say: German politicians called the current "Cycle of Life" show charting conception to old age "revolting" and "unacceptable" when it showed in Berlin earlier this year because it included copulating cadavers.

Side note: I was at Burning Man last year and caught the band Copulating Cadavers performing their hit - "Don't worry I can't get you pregnant." Good band. A little light on the bass but a good band nonetheless.

From copulating cadavers to NY Fashion Week (not a far stretch those models are skinny)... A new sign that our economy is in the tank, the hit of the show was the new line of Snuggies that hit the runway with the long awaited fashion prints like leopard and zebra...

Fashion week used to be about prestige and prominence now it is about calling an 800 number and getting a blank that can also be used a thermal hospital gown.... As a bonus, Snuggie unveiled their new kids and dog line...

I think I would rather see copulating cadavers over a new Snuggie line..

Happy Hump Day..

Movie obituary... By Patrick... We loved you

The Swayze obituary - the Real Hollywood Story told through his filmography....

Patrick started on the small screen with Skatetown USA in 1979. A kid that had never seen asphalt was now on the magic box that plays pictures dancing and rollerskating through the big city. His second stint on TV would be the tag line of his life. In 1980 Swayze came to the color box with hit, The Come Back Kid - a comedy about a juggler lost his hand in a farming accident. He found a way to keep juggling and save the family farm.

Never one for camping Swayze made the leap to the big screen with a role in the Outsiders, later remade into a comedy staring John Candy with the new title, The Great Outdoors.

Swayze's love for comic books and biological anomalies in the surf had him play a key role in the 1984 blockbuster hit - Red Dawn about a wolverine that starts a gang of marine biologist who go out and kill the notorious Canadian whale hunters. Half way through the film his elite fighting team receives help from a Russian swimmer we now know as Aqua Man...

In 87 Swayze took his hips and sexy lips to the pole, err stage and got everyone in West Hollywood standing up and cheering with his gay erotic thriller - Dirty Dancing. The movie can best be summed up by this quote: "You can’t be pregnant in leotards, and this is the last chance for us to get our bodies into the shape of concert dancers and capture it with the magic of film."

From gay dance films to cowboys who run truck stops, Road House was the next hit from Swayze. A man with a mullet, a real tiger claw and a gas station that has non stop action - including a visit from an Idaho senator. 89 was also the year that Patrick took on the remake of Deliverance with his film Next of Kin a love story about a man that marries his really hot sister and then moves to NY where their love can truly be expressed... And nobody knows they are related....

In 1990 Swazye saw dead people first in his movie Ghost - the story of a man that dies in a local Pottery Barn. He decides to spend his time on earth haunting a whacky black lady and a hot recently divorced woman that spends her alimony money at his former Pottery Barn. Oddly enough he always finds the larger whacky black lady in the shower but never the hot divorced woman - silly plot twists...

The hits kept coming for Swayze, in 19991 his blockbuster hit Point Break came to the big screen. A movie about a doctor that was also a master in karate. As a karate master he knew the point break (get it??) of each bone and used his knowledge to stop the evil drug dealer Steven Segal. He broke each one of his bones and then magically healed them at his doctors office. Fun twist - Swayze dawned a mask so Segal never new that the man breaking his bones was also healing him....

After 91 Swayze took a hit trying to play the role of straight cop who is tough and manly with the flop To Wong Foo. Swayze backed up with flop with another straight laced thriller, City of Joy a movie about a city that tries to make joy against the law - Swayze plays a lawyer that tries to keep joy legal. This is also the first time we meet Jim Carey, who is the reason the city is trying to ban joy...

Swayze made several other flops until 2004 when he went back to his roots as a gay stripper with his hit Dirty Dancing 2, Havana Nights. This movie was the perfect mix of Cocktail (both puns intended), the original Dirty Dancing and of course Rambo... Finally Stella, I mean Swayze got his groove back.

Then Swayze got cancer and died. We will miss you Patrick Swayze, your number one fan - Rewashed News! No one knows you better than we do my friend..

Its so hard to say... I do...

Women around the world continue to question and wonder - why won't the man I like commit to me? The answers are more simple than complex. So ladies, read - read again - print - put in your purse - read weekly...

Number 1: You benefits package is subpar at best

To be honest, you have not hooked him... You have tried and tried hard but you haven't hooked him so he is still looking. Your benefits package is just is not good enough. But don't feel bad because your benefits package is good enough to keep him coming back, well until the hot 21 year old intern with a billionaire daddy asks your man out - then you loose and loose big... Sorry.

Number 2: Put the wax away...

Ladies if you are giving it up freaky deeky Dutch Romanian style since hour one of the first time that you met him then you need to ask yourself - are you his hooker he does not have to pay or the girl going home to see his mom? Sure guys want a lady in the street and a freak in the bed but you need to build up to freak status. You can't come out of the gate so off the wall that we need a porno to english dictionary so we can understand what you are requesting and what you want to do to us. It will earn you bedroom points but we will never commit to a girl that makes auto erotica look normal...

Number 3: His friends hate you

We can love your look. We can love the way you make us feel. But if our friends hate you then you will never land him. You don't have to be best friends with his buddies but you do have to make an effort to get to know them and for the last time don't talk trash about his friends to him after you meet them. Example: You meet his single buddy Jeff. Jeff is a bit of a ladies man. You mention that Jeff is a dirty pirate hooker. All your man can think is, why is she so judgmental of my friend and when will she start judging me that? Plus with an attitude like that you never hear about his time traveling Europe with the Swedish female national massage team...

Number 4: Nag, nag, nag...

After a great night of sex and pizza or just a great night of pizza don't end it with the relationship conversation. It would be really nice if you would try something new like being quiet and not nagging us every time we go out about why we are or are not in a fully committed relationship.

Number 5: Jedi mind trick

Don't think you can talk a full time committed relationship into existence, because you can't. Oh you can try and slip in boyfriend when doing introductions at big events or parties but a real man will throw you under the bus by saying, "I think she means friend, silly little girl has had bit too much to drink."

Number 6: How many bags are you checking?

You can't expect us to commit to you with all of your baggage - crazy ex boyfriend, ex husband(s), kid(s), your psychic you see/call weekly/daily, your job or lack of job, etc. For once just be a fun hot chick that wants to have dinner and maybe grab a drink some place. We don't need to hear about catching your stalker rummaging through your dirty laundry. We do want to hear about that pillow fight you had with your girlfriends back in college - and no we don't care if you really didn't go to college, we still want to hear the story. If you can't make the story up I recommend renting PI PHI Pillow Fight 12, Revenge of Oil and Feathers...

There you go ladies 6 reasons why we won't commit to you and that gives you 6 things to avoid so you can land the man of your dreams...