Ladies - time for college...

I spent my 4 years of school at a Christian College. Men went for an education and the ladies, well they went for their MRS Degree... So in the spirit of Christian Republican women I have the new fall class schedule... Sign up fast ladies, these classes are popular....

Fall Classes for Women

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Thursday September 30, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1

Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 2

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?

Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

Examples on Video

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM

Class 6

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program

Help Line Support and Support Groups

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7

Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

Open Forum

Meets Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours

Class 8

Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS

Online Course

Meets three a week nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9

I Was Wrong and He Was Right! Real Life Testimonials

Open Forum

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim

Driving Simulations

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield

Driving Simulations

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12

How to Shop by Yourself

Local Mall

Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

I do...

As of late I have been surrounded by weddings... I went to a wedding in Malibu a couple of weeks back. I officiated a wedding this past weekend - it was amazing. I am heading out to NY for a wedding in 3 weeks... All in all the whole wedding thing and marriage amazes me - that is a commitment that is only broken 50% of time, so it is pretty serious stuff. Along with all the weddings, I have several buddies that are serious with that special someone... So this blog is dedicated to them... When the time comes and it will my friend, it will... Here are 4 sure fire ways to propose to that lady you love so much...

Side note: It would not kill you ladies to propose to use fellas. Equality and all - think about it. I mean you pressure into it so you might as well propose, after all it really is your idea not ours.

1. The Stadium: Nothing says love like a hot dog, cold beer, some guy screaming "suck it" and you on the jumbo tron on a beer soaked knee asking the woman of your dreams to marry you. Half the fans are yelling say yes the other half are yelling marry me instead... This is the way to purpose. Love is nothing to be kept secret so let the whole world know and maybe, just maybe you will make Sports Center...

2. After glow: When the sex is good the love is good so that is why I recommend proposing to your GF after a romp in the sheets. Just think of the engagement stories. "He removed his red cherry gag ball, said the safe word - so I removed him from the whipping harness. Hidden in his leather thong with the extra long spikes was this amazing ring." OR it could go like this... "Guys I don't know what happened. We where having sex and then I said something like - this is so good I don't want anything or anyone else but you. She started screaming yes, I thought orgasm - she meant YES as is now we are engaged. Now I have to buy a ring and break the news to my parents that my intern is also my fiance. I am the laughing stock of the late night office cleaning crew." TRUE LOVE

3. Love N Food: If we learned anything from 9 1/2 weeks we learned that food and love go together and that pouring honey on a woman's body looks sexy but really it is just sticky and messy. That written, think about bringing the ring to the table... If you are dating a real eater, I do not recommend putting the ring in the cupcake - she could chip a tooth or choke on the ring and die. So put the ring on top like a garnish. If your lady is a big boozer don't put the ring at the bottom of her Irish car bomb - duct tape it to the side... If she is doing shots then she is a fan of duct tape, after all it is holding up her breasts..

4. Game night: Sharing is caring so sharing your love with your friends is another great way to go. Host a game night - like twister. Wait until she is stuck in a awkward position, get on one knee and one hand - knee green, hand blue and ask her to marry you. When your friends get up to cheer and scream yell - "HA! You just lost and I just won the game and the woman of my dreams so suck it!" Woman love that kind of passion in a man...

Now go get engaged you crazy kids...

Relationship advice...

Sometimes I just need to let you know how love works and today is one of those days party people... So let's get this party started...

1. 40 year old virgins...

For those of you that are adult and have no experience doing the no pants dance, well there is help for you. There is also emotional scaring, herpes, genital warts and AIDS for you as well. But if you don't care about a puss oozing bump on your genitals or losing your special moment to a drunk truck driver after a night of tequila than I suggest finding yourself a sex therapist. Basically a sex therapist is the perfect mix of a real therapist that can't keep their pants on and a prostitute that does not get arrested after you pay them for sex... They will walk you through the process of having sex and then have sex with you... Past losing your virginity you will also feel comfortable next time you wake up at the dentist with your pants on backwards... Can one measure the emotional scaring of paying for sex? Only a sex therapist can say... And those that pay the sex therapist..

2. Open mouth face licking on date one...

You have already ruined the start of your first date by texting your friends; getting super drunk; talking about the great sex you and your ex had (oddly enough you are out with the 40 year old virgin mentioned above pre sex therapy); and you ordered wings... Such a pretty messy face and hands... So it begs the question - should you now kiss with your Irish car bomb wing breath? If there are no open puss dripping sore and if that special someone does not have cerebral palsy then I write - pucker up butter cup...

3. Thin down...

Sex can be the best 3 minute ab workout ever and the only workout where you smile afterwards. But can sex actually help you drop some pounds. Well first, find yourself a chubby chaser tubby so that they won't mind the fact that while undressing you they may run across a cheesecake or slice of pizza. Two, you are going to have to do some work - so get your cardio up. Three, no one wants to kill a fat person with sex so check with your doctor before any vigorous activities like standing, walking or sex..

4. Breeding down....

Much has been made of dating a Shetland person - I mean midget - I mean a person that is not of average height. You know, the first person to smell the fart because their face is, well, right there at the point of exit and no lifts or heels can help them grow out of the way... But past a horrible life of smelling gas first, should you date a smaller person... I say no. We are not a society that should be breeding down. We need to build taller, faster, smarter and more agile people - not smaller, slower, awkward people with pudgy hands that smell like cabbage...

5. The gap between date 1 and 2....

What do you do after the first date and before the second. First, when sneaking out their apartment steal their wallet so you can properly google them. You need to find out who you have just slept with. Second, one your way out steal two of their credit card bills - if the cards are paid off someone is buying you lunch and a nice new outfit - but probably not a 2cnd or 3rd date... Third, make sure your new naked friend has not taken your information - 2 can play at this game. Fourth, go get tested for any STD's - if the tests come back negative then a second date can happen. Fifth and finally, twitter - facebook - blog - myspace (unless they are under 18 or 12 in Mississippi) what happened on that magical first date...

Now go fall in love you crazy kids! You have all the tools you need...

Random..

The kids at WalMart are an odd bunch. WalMart is the Mad Men of the bulk store, super saving revolution... Below are three items that have been banned at WalMart - oddly enough all of the banned items relate directly to woman... Nice work WalMart!

1. Female aspirations of being president - Not at WalMart: In 1995 a Miami-area Wal-Mart pulled this shirt from its racks after consumer complaints. The shirt, which featured the character Margaret from Dennis the Menace, ran afoul of “the company’s family values." The harsh and graphic language of the shirt - “Someday a Woman Will Be President."

I think we can all understand how women doing crazy things like "dreaming" does more harm that good... The last thing we want a super store like WalMart doing is inspiring young woman to believe and achieve outside of the home appliances section.

2. No hot ladies allowed: Megan Fox - star of Transformers and the rocker of a very hot body is not allowed in WalMart. Rumor has it that she stole some lip balm back in the day... This little ditty gave me an excuse to check out Megan Fox.

BTW - have you ever been to a WalMart? Not one pretty person, not ONE! They could use a Megan Fox or two just to pretty the place up a bit.

3. No money maker panties: A couple of years back some naughty panties made it onto WalMart's shelves... The front rocked "who needs credit cards." The back rocked "When you have Santa." Oddly enough the sale of Santa costumes went through the roof and Dateline's hit To Catch A Predator caught several hundred Santa's offering, well you get it...

A girl saying a woman will be president caught their family values radar... A pair of panties setting Santa up as a the fat Hef and teenage girls as his bunnies, flew right past that top notch radar system until parents complained.

Don't worry if you still want the panties you can find them at Abercrombie and Fitch... They are next to the junior thong series...

Oddly enough this is still part of the HMO plan at WalMart: Hysteria is thought to only occur in women. It was said to be the result of a wandering uterus.