6 places to find love...

It is time to find the places that you should absolutely positively work your magic in an effort to try and get the no pants dance on and cracking.... No places are off limits but some places are just better than others - for you my faithful readers, I give you of the best places to find that special someone.

1. Funeral:

My friends at Wedding Crashers taught me about this great place to meet and pic up on the opposite sex. First, everyone looks great in black. Second, the pretty girl - handsome guy in the third row needs a hug. Not an ass out hug but a full body, hip to hip embrace. Third, the dead person wants you to be happy and you know that you are happiest after a nice BIG orgasm. Fourth, booze, finger food and people needing a caring touch is the second best recipe for sex.

2. Job Interview:

Will comes through again with this Step Brothers movie inspiration. You are dressed up... The interviewer is dressed up. You are both trying to impress one another. This is like speed dating without the stop watch. Both of you are there impressing one another. It is not only cool but expected that if you are attracted to either the interviewer or the interviewee it is totally acceptable to stop in the middle of the interview and be honest. "You... Me.. Happy Hour.. Riblets... Applebees..." Jobs come and go but raw animal attraction - you have to grab on to that kind of passion...

3. Your doctors/therapists office:

We only go to the doctors office when we are feeling good about ourselves both physically and emotionally. This is prime hunting time... You are on your A game and so is that hot person next to you in the waiting room. If you are at your therapists office call yourself lucky because you are in for an adventure - bipolar, multi personality, manic depressive... Fun times for sure. If you are at the "clinic" or your doctors office you could land a special someone with genital warts, herpes, swine flu, flesh eating virus or some weird disease on House can solve. Either way everyone likes to be part of the healing process...

4. Court:

No matter if it is the defendant, the prosecutor or the arresting officer there is no better place to see them at their very best than in court. You get them honest. You get them in their finest clothes. You get them in a safe place where if something goes wrong there are witnesses and court officers there to protect you in your time of need.

5. Hot Yoga:

Put this in the pot and let it simmer. 110 degree heat. Sweat from head to toe. Barely any clothes on. Deep and heavy breathing. Your body in poses that make a night of naked twister seem boring and easy... You Violet Femmes that gem up and it all ads up to sexual tension and lust. The best time to ask that special someone out is during down dog - to steal from my rapping friends: "face down, ass up..." A much better pose for the ladies then the guys but a winner nonetheless.

6. Chuckie Cheese:

If you are on the prowl for a hot single parent and your picture is up at the local schools then the next best place to find that special someone is Chuckie Cheese. First, you get a great meal. Second, it may be the only place where you can win at most games impressing the person that has caught your eye. Third, the ball pool and smell of urine is like mating pheromones in the air. Fourth, if you are in with the kid you are in the parent and you are in with a date.

There you have it - 6 places sure fire places to pick people up... Good luck and have fun...

Random news

Here is what is making news around the world...

Balls of yarn - farmers and the new Knights Templar:

Columbus, Ohio - in an effort to boost business a local crafts shop has started a men's only knitting club. And just to show you how far middle America has come the store owner had this to say: "We have as many as 15 guys attending the knitting circles. They range in age from college students to older men, both gay and straight."

Only in Ohio can gay and straight men come together once a week, put their prejudices aside and knit mittens and scarves for each other. Pass me the yarn...

From men knitting to women cooking -

Everything is bigger in Texas including the way couples fight. A woman in Pasadena, TX took her common law husbands 7 pet goldfish, fried them up and ate them in front of him...

Here is my problem with the guy.. BTW - he should move to Ohio and start knitting with the boys. Back to my problem with the common law husband - he sat through the following: 1. The threat of her cooking and eating his 7 goldfish. 2. He watched her go get the 7 goldfish. 3. He watched her heat up the frying pan. 4. He watched her flower up the 7 goldfish - still alive. 5. He watched her add the butter to the hot frying pan. 6. He watched her put the 7 goldfish in the frying pan. 7. She sat down in front of him and ate 3 of the 7 goldfish. 8. He did nothing.. not a thing! Way to stand up for yourself and your pet goldfish. Thank the good Lord above he did not have a dog or a cat... A bird I can understand - KFC hi-5 me one time on that one... I will take a wing.

So I ask you party people - what gets this guys blood going? They where his pet goldfish that she fried up in a pan and then ate in front of him. In the famous words of Chris Rock - "I would never hit a woman but I will shake the sh!t out of her."

According to police reports: Officers who were dispatched to the woman's home arrived to find four fried goldfish on a plate. The woman said she already ate the other three.

From fancy French food to Poland's staying a cut above/below the rest:

If you sexually assault kids in Poland you go to jail and you get your balls cut off and then they have a woman from Pasadena, TX fry your balls up and force feed them to you... Okay I lied about the balls being fried and force fed to the perverts but the cutting them off part - true as the day is long..

In a quote to the AP: "If somebody is of sound mind, we punish him. If he is sick, we try to cure him -- that's how it works in Polish law. This bill introduces both approaches. As far as I know, this makes our law the strictest in Europe on this issue," said Piotr Kladoczny from the Helsinki Foundation of Human Rights.

You have to love the human rights guy stepping and essentially saying, "cut that guy's balls off and call it curing him!"

From balls off to the really fake Mentalist:

In Conn. a gang of psychics attacked stand alone psychic - oddly enough the psychic that got the beat down did see it coming.

According to the AP report: "Lee, who promotes herself the "foremost psychic in New England," called police on July 11 to report that a man had beaten her outside her Greenwich office. She said she believed rival psychics in town who had left her threatening phone messages were responsible, but she did not know their names."

First, I love the idea of a psychic gang or group. I would like it more if it was a TV show on CBS and they where solving crimes but kicking the crap out of a psychic that has a big ego is good too.

Off to practice my cat juggling. Today I move from kittens to adult cats that are not declawed. Big day for me...

No more babies

There are three types of pressure you parents put on you: 1. To be successful - my parents have long given up on that as it pertains to me; 2. Get married - from my grandmother to my mom the first question I get from them is how am I dating; 3. If you are married then you get nailed with the BIG Q - So when are you two going to have kids?

We have beaten the relationship horse to death - don't get me wrong I will probably throw in some more kicks later this week - that written today we are going to discuss why you should not have a kid... Or kids for that matter you over zealous breeder!

Here are some reasons not to knock one out!

1. China already makes everything so don't take baby making away from them - if you do who will make your t-shirts, DVD players and iPods? Do what Brad and Angelina do - go to foreign country and buy one... I mean adopt. Just wait until the kid is old enough to do household chores - get them to young and you do all the work while they just eat, crap and cry....

2. Sex - no kids means sex anywhere in the house at anytime. Keep your sex options open and then when people come over to the house you can giggle because they just set their cookie down where you ass was just 4 hours earlier...

3. 3am - the only reason you need to be up at 3am is because you are drunk, at a house party, a mix of both or watching a movie marathon on USA. Either way, some crying - crapping kid should not rule your AM or PM schedule for that matter.

4. Dollar bills - kids are expensive, really expensive. Think of what you could spend the money on that has nothing to do with diapers, milk, school books, kids clothes, picture days - blah, blah, blah.... You could spend the money on world trips, nice dinners, Smothers Brothers reunion show in your back yard - whatever you want!

5. No big bags - kids come with a separate bag of crap including toys, diapers, formula, some sort of treat that will get the kid to shut up and clean wipes because kids will pick up anything and put anything in their mouth...

Now go have enjoyable sex that will not end with a bun in the oven... Happy Tuesday party people...

we need a good cult... and a healthcare system

We are in need of a good cult so that the reign of Snuggies can officially end. Snuggies making it to NY Fashion week was the end all be all - the straw that broke this camels back. Hence I am calling for a suicide cult to embrace the Snuggies - just like Heaven's gate embrace of the black Nike shoes.

The only call to action the cult needs to have - a love to stay warm at all times while looking like a monk that is trying to escape a hospital ward. Just think of it my suicide cult friends who are looking for a cause... You can stay warm. You can drink the Kool-Aid. And unlike a blanket that can fall off the Snuggie comes with arms and stays on - even through violent seizures caused by the poison...

It would have been great is a super model would have dropped dead from a heroine overdose while rocking the Snuggie. Think about it - super wide sleeves make it easy to strap up and shoot up while staying warm and not leaving the comfort of your couch... But no! Not one super model could sacrifice herself for the betterment of the world by ending the reign the of the Snuggie. Models are so self centered....

From Snuggies to prescription drugs.

I am so sick and tired of drug commercials on TV telling me to ask my doctor if XYZ drug is right for me. First, I don't have health insurance so just going to see Trapper John costs me 100 bucks. Then to ask Trapper John - the person that spent 15 years in school, if a certain drug is right for me seems foolish. After all I got a BA in communications, next to under water basket weaving my major is the farthest from becoming a doctor. Shouldn't my doctor see one of these commercials, check out my chart and then give me a ring?

When did 30 seconds of TV make me a more educated person than my doctor? Don't get me wrong after 7 years of CSI I can comfortably say that I can solve a crime faster than my local police. After 2 years of Locked Up Abroad I could smuggle cocaine in and out of Thailand without a hitch. After 5 years of Two And Half Men I can now drink and womanize - just missing the house in Malibu (lotto numbers just need to hit!). And 20 years of Law and Order has me confident enough that I could win a murder case - easy as 1, 2, 3... But a 30 second commercial on leg pain, itching toe nails or a bad heart... Nope.com.

If we can get a health care system that works we won't need these commercials. Imagine going to see your doctor for a check up, not because you are deathly ill but because you just need to see your doctor and make sure things are okay...

Think about this - 11% of France's GNP covers their national health care plan. 16% of our GNP covers the faults in our current health care system.

Hospitals are happy when they have a 98% occupancy rate - they should be shooting for 0. At no point in time should we make money on keeping people sick or hoping that people stay or get sick so that we can make money on them...

Here is the cure...

1. Healthcare Companies and Hospitals cannot go public. Driving up a stock price and keeping people healthy do not go hand in hand.

2. Healthcare Companies and Hospitals will get Government kick backs based on keeping people healthy. More people eating right, more people getting check ups and general healthcare, less people in the hospital means money to these hospitals to keep the nurses and doctors on staff so when an emergency is there, the best in the world will be there to take care us... It would be a great world to pay doctors and nurses to just handle check ups.

3. No more boner commercials. Sure Viagra is the call sign for a 20 year old looking for a sugar daddy, but with ever sugar daddy there is a 50 year old man that is 40 pounds overweight rocking a hard on while talking to the barista in a two piece as she makes him his 4th double whipped frozen mocha of the day. Viagra + young girl + old fat guy = perv! Thanks boner medication guys...

4. Companies that have employees going, NOT enrolled but going to the gym will get a tax credit to cover healthcare costs.

We need to change our mindset from keeping people sick and on drugs to making people healthy. Remember, healthcare should be one of taking care of people - NOT making money. Step up American, let's work on taking care of each other.

Happy Monday