Friday fun...

Sabotage and lies... Nothing brings down a relationship like a woman that is sabotaging a relationship or a man that just can't seem to tell the truth. Today we are going to look at the top 5 ways women will sabotage a relationship and the lies men will tell to keep women happy...

Ladies let us start with your Beastie Boy ways - here is how you are sabotaging potentially great relationships.

Number 1: You gain weight.

Ladies we call it comfort padding. You land us with your hot little beach bodies and then after 4 to 5 weeks of dating, you have added on 10 to 15 LBS and all we are wondering is why? Why can't we take a walk? Why did you stop going to the gym? We met there (full circle - read the article weeks back on places to meet people). So if you want to keep us you need to keep the pounds off...

Number 2: You start talking.

No one likes a woman that pretends to be smart. If you have seen Anchorman then you know that women half a brain half the size of a man's brain, making you ladies half as smart... Do the math - take your shoes off.. Hush, I did not ask for you to talk it up, just add it up... So to keep you up to date - keep off the weight and keep your gums from bumping... No you are cute and quiet - SUPER!

Number 3: Don't ask us to do stuff.

We don't want to go to your friends baby shower. We don't want to see the latest romantic comedy. We don't want to go shopping. We don't want to go to your office holiday party. We don't want to go your friends engagement party. What we want is for you to go to these parties an on the way drop us off at our local bar where we can meet "our" friends, drink cold beer and enjoy ourselves.

Number 4: Granny panties.

When we first met you had the best underwear in the world. After a couple of months you go from lace and dental floss to full back stained green panties that you have had since 1992. And rocking over those gems - some stained sweat pants and a nude colored bra that has both sweat stains and some light tears... Yeah baby that is sexy... Thanks a ton for going all out for me. Don't hate on us for not having to wearing uncomfortable sexy underthings.... This is the world we live in party people, so know your role. Ladies your role - rocking the sexy undergarments and NOT rocking nasty granny panties...

Number 5: Recap...

Usually I would do 5 but to be honest this is a ton of information for you ladies to absorb so we are taking number 5 and we are recapping. In review: keep it slim, keep it short, keep us out of it and keep it tiny...

Now to the lies that we men tell you to make you feel better:

Number 1: You don't look fat in that outfit...

If you have to ask then you know we are going to lie. So don't ask and in turn we will not lie. Plus if you are asking then you already know. If you need a false sense of security than watch Oprah or Wendy Williams. But don't ask us to blow up your self esteem balloon.

Number 2: No she is not that hot...

Stop pointing out super hot women and then asking us if we find them hot. You know we do so why are you making us lie about it? There are at least a half a billion women hotter than you, it is a fact but unlike the egocentric male race you seem care. Just embrace the fact that there are women hotter than you and stop asking us to lie to you and say that you are hotter... You are not hotter - she has a nicer ass than you - she has prettier hair than you - her sexy flat abs are nice... Instead of asking us to lie be happy that you have landed us - give us a or the relationship a compliment...

Number 3: I don't like your mom...

In fact I don't your like your family. I don't like your creepy your uncle. I don't like your boozy over touchy aunt. I hate your mom's southern meets NY style meets Indian food (feather or dot - does not really matter) cooking. I don't like your artist brother. I don't like your lesbian softball playing sister. So stop asking if I like your family cause I don't...

Number 4: I don't care about your day...

You can talk about your day but can you stop expecting us to listen please because we don't care. What we care about is coming home, turning the TV and relax. That relaxation cannot happen if we are hearing about how you and your friend had a misunderstanding on Facebook so then you called her and then you went to lunch and now you are back to BFF's. We don't care...

Number 5: I am sorry..

You are not going to like everything we say. You are not going to like everything we do. So we are going to mess. Some examples: drinking too much with out buddies, missing lunch with you because we got caught up at the strip club, showing up late to dinner with you because happy hour after work ran late, missing shopping with you because we decided basketball with the boys was more important... Whatever it may be, after we make the mistake we are going to say, "I am sorry" but what we don't mean it...

Happy Friday and enjoy the weekend...

Words of wisdom during tough times..

At some point and time you have been left speechless. Sometimes it is good to be left speechless and sometimes you need to step up, bump those gums and let that pie hole of yours let the person or persons with you know what is on your mind... Today I am going to set up some simple moments that have or will happen... Then, because I am such a giver, I am going to give you the words that need to flow out of your mouth like rhetorical diarrhea...

Moment 1: You just made out with our did the no pants dance with a friend....

What to say: "Not nearly as awkward as kissing my cousin at last years family reunion." Or - "Can't wait to Michael Bolton my FaceBook status with, "How can we be lovers if we can't we friends!"

Moment 2: Playing pool with a garden hose...

What to say to him: "I have heard this happens to older, I mean more mature men." Or - "Do you want to take another Viagra?"

Moment 3: So can I get your number?

What to say: "Sure, but it is way easier if you just subscribe to my web cam." Or - "Yes, call me. Here is my home, cell, work, office and mothers number - I spend a lot of time playing scrabble and online bingo with my mom... Great lady my mom and a world class scrabble player. Maybe on date 2 or 3 we can take some dinner to my moms and we can all play the golden addition of scrabble... That would be fun but if we are going to have fun then you need to call or text me. If you do text me, just text my cell. My mom's home phone and my home phone do not receive text messages."

Moment 4: You are hired!

What to say: "Do you want some gum? Your breath is really bad. I am surprised you can't taste it. I smelled liver, onion and ranch... Not a good combo." Or - "Great, thank you so much. Can you please sign this for my parol officer. He is so nosey. Always up in my business. And according to a court ordered restraining order, I cannot be within 50ft of the CEO. Good for him and good for me."

Moment 5: Your friend tells you she is pregnant...

What to say: "At your age that is an accomplishment. I just hope your baby does not have down-syndrome. But hey, congrats!" Or - "Are you sure? You look more like you have just put on some extra pounds, that does not look like baby weight to me. Let's go hit the gym for a couple of weeks. And if you are pregnant, does that mean for the next 9 months that you will be my designated drive? If you where a real friend you would be."

5 moments, 10 things to say... Happy hump day...

Dating advice

How long have you been single? How many times have your friends set you up with someone only to have you blow it? How many times have you tried to ask a girl/guy out only to blow it? Perhaps you are a dating moron... My first recommendation would be to move to a country where it is still cool to have your bride chosen for you. My second recommendation, because let's be honest you will find a way to totally mess up the arrange marriage, is to recognize that you are a dating tool and fix it... 5 toolish mistakes you make and what you can do that will take you from dating zero to dating hero...

Number 1: How do your hips move?

Are you still rocking the robot? Doing the worm on the dance floor? If you can't dance the odds are that you can't do the no pants dance either well either... You could be Elaine from Seinfeld or any random white guy over 35 that still tries to be cool in Orange County. Show some confidence, get out on the dance floor - forget the white man's over bite, stop waving your arms around like you just don't care and start caring... Maybe before you run to the dance floor see how your friends are dancing and follow their lead. Rent a Will Smith movie that will teach you how to dance. IF you really do have to left feet stop trying to find that special one night stand at a dance club and try your luck at bar where all you have to do is sit on a bar stool and wait for the cute girl/guy at the end of the bar to get drunk enough that they will find you cute enough to spend some time with...

Number 2: Places everyone...

Do you find yourself ordering drinks alone and drinking alone? The bar is like a Hollywood movie set. Know your place so that you can make your move and have a real Hollywood story ending where you meet the right guy/gal - get drunk enough to make some mistakes and end up either tied up in a strange hotel room with your butt cheeks super glued together or with a fresh case of - WOW it really burns when I pee. Isn't love grand...

Number 3: Know your blockers...

Do you always go out with your same friends? Do you always leave with your same friends, never meeting anyone new? Perhaps your friends are what we kids in the know call Cock Blockers... It is great to have friends. It is better to have friends that work for you, not against you... You want your friends on the look out for you, trying to get you lucky... The world of single people is Vegas and your friends need to be the kids from MIT breaking the bank... Lie, cheat, steal - but above all else, get you some loving... If your friends are not doing this you need new "going out" friends that will make some magic happen.

Number 4: So you are wearing that?

Guys, we are not going out to shoot a Dockers commercial so change your pants. And no changing into Wranglers is not a win - I don't care if Brett Favre wears them, he is worth a billion dollars he can wear what he wants. Look at Trump - you have better hair than him but he still lands hotter ladies... So what you wear matters. Ladies - show us a little leg and perhaps something that is not in the turtle neck family... No camel toe please. No jelly shoes. No muffin top. Help me become attracted to you. I am not wearing my Old Navy t-shirt with my Wrangler jeans so please don't wear your skinny jeans with your jelly shoes and racoon-esq eye liner..

Number 5: Unzip the lips...

Starting chatting people up. Don't flirt it up with the fat or ugly ones but you should still chat them up and be nice... If we have learned one thing in life it is that fat and ugly people have good looking friends - good looking people have bad days so the lean on their fat and ugly friends to make them feel better. If you don't have a fat or ugly friend, then you are the fat and ugly friend - sorry... Back to dating, the recommendation from the fat ugly friend, or you - HA!, is way better than the blind approach to the hot person. After all you are the dating zero.. Plus compassion to all goes a long way. But play it smart and don't flirt and then hurt the big ugly - they are mean, they are big and they will eat you and then floss their teeth with your tendons...

Happy dating you zero.. Go become a hero..

Broken heart - Breaking the heart

There are great bar songs. There are great songs to have sex to. There are great driving songs. So it makes sense that there are great break-up songs. If you have recently lost the love of your life or dumped the former love of your life then I recommend you log into your iTunes account and get these songs...

If you have been dumped and don't have any sharp objects in the house then rock these songs and you cry yourself to sleep wondering why no one will ever love you and your chronic bad breath again...

Number 1: Ben Folds 5 with their hit "Song for the Dumped"

This is to the point. If you have been dumped then this song is for you... It is all in the title of the song. I did not have to go to the Simon and Simon detective school to find this gem...

Number 2: Gloria Gaynor's - you've been dumped but be strong and live long hit "I Will Survive"

My question is, really? If you need a song to survive then will you survive? I have to think nope.com. I think you will fail miserably and never find love again... Enjoy your day at the therapists office and please play this song while you wait for your time on the couch...

Number 3: Ani DiFranco's odd number, "Untouchable Face"

Oddly enough this was not the break up song that Rhianna used when breaking up with Chris Brown - maybe next time... Too early for that joke?

Number 4: XTC came out with their ill timed song, "I Can't Own Her"

It would have been a very popular song in the early 19th century. The idea of owning a woman made some resurgence with the popular mail order brides from Russia and Thailand. The buying of foreign women was ruined with over popularity of Oprah and her liberation of the modern woman... So in today's world not only can a woman not be owned but she can also break up with you... God help us if they start voting.

Number 5: Patti Labelle put your break up pain into a song making sure that you understood that you would be alone forever in the cry baby ballad, "On My Own"

Every woman with a sugar daddy and every man with a sugar mama who have felt the burn of their care taker dumping them for something or someone younger and hotter... The cold world hits them in the face as they are finally on their own - living alone, paying for things like rent, insurance, food, cars, gas, clothes....

From being heart broken to breaking that special someones heart... Here are the top 5 theme songs for person that ended that loving feeling...

Number 1: The Byrds start of this list with their hit, "I Feel A Whole Lot Better"

I knew I had heard, had you heard? The bird is the word. And The Byrds are the feel good, you just broke his/her heart band of the 20th century. They are sad and crying and inside you feel a whole lot better - more importantly, you don't feel guilty about how much better you feel...

Number 2: Travis Tritt comes strong with the end all be all break up song, "Here Is A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares"

I like the idea of the song. I don't like the idea of giving the person you just made cry something they can throw back at you causing an injury. Plus you goofy country boy, who makes phone calls with pay phone - gross. That written, I like the concept around the song...

Number 3: N' Sync gave us a way to break up and put dance to it with their hit, "Bye, Bye, Bye"

Breaking a person's heart can only be made fun by dancing while you do it. Just saying the words bye can be confusing - they make think you will come back tomorrow. But if you mix in a back spin, a hand wave, a leg kick and a middle finger... Well you have made your point and got some exercise in..

Number 4: The Eagles soared in with the classic, "Already Gone"

This song is the Dear John of break up songs. You can just put this on repeat, leave the key that special someone gave you and never have to call/email/text them again - after all you are already gone...

Number 5: Justin Timberlake ends the top 5 countdown with his hit, "Cry Me A River"

If you have stock in tissue paper then you want to make them cry. Plus when people cry their nose runs and then they blow their nose... The kicker here - each time the give a blow into the tissue they always look at what came out of their nose before the close up the tissue. Plus if you live in So Cal you know we are in a drought so do the break up outside and do your part to hydrate the always dry So Cal...

From broken heart songs to breaking heart songs... This is your list to live by...