So you wanna go bump in the night...

Halloween is time to dress up, get a bit boozie and if you want land yourself a hot piece of action for the night or for many nights to come... Of course this begs the question, how do you put the moves on the sexy nun that keeps giving you the eye.... Here are 4 sure fire ways to let the ghost, ghoul or witch know that you want to have some fun later...

Number 1: The grab, err I am so scared grope!

This move goes back to first Halloween. The girl pretends to get scared next to you and next thing you know she has jumped into your arms... He big stud the odds are this is not the only time she will fake something with you.. HA! If you like her catch her in your arms and then don't let go big fella cause you just hooked some hotness. And your friends said that glueing peeps to your shirt and calling yourself a chick magnet was a bad idea... Who is laughing now? You are, you chick magnet!

Number 2: Going Cake style...

For the ladies Halloween is an excuse to dress like their favorite porn star... But there is one simple rule... No matter if you are slut witch, the "head" nurse or the Daisy Duke that won't be sleeping with her brother/cousin/uncle - when the hot pig tailed dirty girl scout comes into the room selling her cookies or flashing her cookie... You can't call her a whore... But you can call her a winner and if she plays her cards right the winner of some VD as well..

Number 3: The Snuggie...

This is a pre-Halloween move. Invite the girl over for dinner and movie - make the movie scary and while you are it make your place ice cold. Then offer up a Snuggie and a snuggle... Let her feel safe in your warmly wrapped and free to move Snuggie arms... Let her warmly wrapped and free to move Snuggie arms wrap around you - unless you played your cards wrong or if you moved your hands to freely - then she may be using the freedom of the Snuggie to grab her mace. Look on the bright side, your Halloween costume can be a maced pervert...

Number 4: All Hallows Shots!

From the Scoobie Snack to the Brain to the Freddie Krugar to the Silver Bullet to the Lobotomy - get your booze in line and get your Halloween drink menu on speed dial. If you want to impress that special someone nothing says I like you like a themed shot (that tastes good) that matches the persons special outfit. If you find a red head dressed like a slut witch or dirty girl scout - I recommend the Red Headed Slut... And she is dressed like one! BAM! That just happened...

There you have it, 4 sure fire ways to go bump in the night by the 31st...

This is how bad sex has gotten...

Every women's magazine talks about it how you can make it better and by better they are talking about the big O... Every men's magazine talks about what you can and can't get away with based on how long you have been seeing her... And what are they talking about - Salt N Pepa style, sing it with me - they are talking about sex baby... Women want orgasms and men, well we get them but we just don't want them right away... Some of you have been lucky enough to have great sex, most of you haven't. Now I could quote stats from Cosmo on how many women don't get the O. I could pull up the sex help articles from Maxim on how men should take care of their lady in bed. But the proof, the proof that bad sex is not only among us but part of most peoples lives can be found on the Information Super Highway at a little site called... www.ijustmadelove.com

I have a real problem with this site. Why are you jumping online after a session of the

no pants dance? The site is propagating bad sex. If you have the time and energy and more importantly the desire to jump online after sex then you need to take a seat and review the game film with you special bed buddy...

For those that have not had great sex. After great sex you should be thinking - water, why are my legs shaking, man I need a shower and if I only had the energy I would change these sheets... After those thoughts the next thought that races through your mind should be "when are we doing that again" (Red Bull does more than give you wings) or "well she is knocked out so I guess I will go to sleep to."

People are celebrating this site as a sexual online liberation. Nope.com. 2 couples in Irvine just had sex, but sadly it was bad sex. How do I know. Because after sex they had the energy to get online and post that they just had sex. 3 couples in Anaheim just had sex - once again an online celebration of bad sex.

This would be the perfect site for braggadocios chronic masturbators. Men and women could post how they just took care of business alone or after some bad sex (their partner is posting they just had sex online at www.ijustmadelove.com)... At the end of the day it just an ends to a means and sometimes you just need the O.

As a bonus if the site took off maybe it would remove the scarlet letter M from the chronic masturbators chest as the go online and celebrate their free time, their single life and how they just treated their body like a jungle gym or maybe how they just treated took themselves out for a nice dinner - treating themselves like the sexy bitch that they are... Oh you little devil you.

To recap - www.ijustmadelove.com - bad for sex, bad for couples, bad in general. If the site existed - www.ijustmasturbated.com - great for the lonely lovers, great for cultural acceptance of masturbation and as an added bonus you would get an idea of how many people are masturbating in your local area. The only downside would be that handshakes between strangers and single friends would drop by at least 99%.

Happy Thursday party people...

A look at the news...

It is time to take a look at the news to see who and what is making headlines...

Headline: Oregon man get probation for stabbing ex's fish

The skinny: A Portland man who attacked his ex-girlfriend and impaled her pet fish this summer has been sentenced to two years probation, a psychological evaluation and community service.

The quote: According to court records, Fite quickly admitted killing the fish, telling police: "If she can't have me, then she can't have the fish."

Thoughts: Well after reading the story and his quote I can understand that it was just and fair for this guy to get 2 years probation, a couple of hours laying on a creepy guys couch and a day or two of picking up trash. Besides if the fish killed was a Beta fish, also known as a Siamese Fighting fish. If you have the name fighting in your name you best show up and put up a fight fish lips...

Headline: Marge Simpson makes cover of Playboy

The skinny: "D'oh!" doesn't even start to cover it.Marge Simpson -- the blue beehived matriarch of America's most loved dysfunctional family - is Playboy magazine's November cover, the magazine said on Friday.

The quote: "It had never been done, and we thought it would be kind of hip, cool and unusual," Flanders told the newspaper. He said the magazine hoped to attract readers in their 20s compared to the average Playboy reader's age of 35.

Thoughts: Now we get to find out if the bee hive matches the carpet or if there is any carpet at all - oh Marge...

Headline: Texas man found asleep with corpse inside closet

The skinny: A Houston man found asleep with a corpse inside a closet of a vacant home has been charged with misdemeanor drug offenses, authorities said Monday.

The quote: "There were two guys in the closet. They appeared to be sleeping, one was snoring and the other was deceased,"

Thoughts: If you are going to get a high and take a snooze with a dead body shouldn't you do it in your own home? Did drug addicts not learn anything from Robert Downey JR? You don't fall asleep half stoned out of your mind in a strangers home, vacant home or the your neighbors kids bed... Of course now we can add, don't snuggle up and with a dead body...

Why are you so bad America?

WWJD - I am over it....

I am officially over, in fact I was never on board with the WWJD or as the regular people say, "What Would Jesus Do?"

First, what you are thinking is not what Jesus would do... He would do more. He died on the cross for your sins, He turned water into wine and He fed 5 thousand with a couple of fish, some bread and faith the size of a mustard seed... So whatever you are thinking of doing, know that Jesus would do more...

Second, Jesus would not turn WWJD into a tramp stamp that you have written in some flower font across your lower back... Sure it is cute, but what was it that Jesus did that was cute? And how is using Jesus' name across your lower back, drawing attention to your ass crack something that Jesus is proud of you doing... That written - cute tattoo and nice leopard print thong...

Third, Jesus would not spend 19.95 on a t-shirt asking what he would do or a wristband at 5.95 asking what he would do. Jesus was a carpenter so he would have made his own wristband and t-shirt - he would not have bought them so you have already done something that Jesus would not do... Great start rocking the question what would he would do, yet starting off by doing something he would never do... What is wrong with you?

Fourth, are you qualified to ask the question - What would Jesus do? I don't think so... By looking at you I can see you did not take the time to ask Jesus what he would do before going out in public today... Don't get me wrong the hat you are rocking that has blasted across it - Nice People Swallow is funny but not the hat that Jesus would wear... So to answer your question of "What would Jesus do?" - he would not wear that hat, he would not snub his nose at the stinky homeless guy, he would not spend 4.95 on a cup of java, he would not spend 200 USD on a pair of jeans... I could go on and on...

Maybe we should just try to be good people first before we start asking what Jesus would do... The reality is that we are not good enough to answer the question and follow through with real world actions of what Jesus would do...

So What Would Jesus Do?

Jesus would sell the TBN building and the Vatican and end world hunger... Or he would take 5 fish and some bread and end world hunger -

Jesus would spend less time in fancy church buildings and more time with real people loving them not judging or preaching to them...

Jesus would comfort those in pain - he would not picket them, judge them and call them names..

Jesus would not live the American dream - that dream is not something he was about...

Jesus would not wear blood diamonds or give them as a sign of love to someone...

Jesus would would love, not judge...

Finally, Jesus would not rock a t-shirt or bracelet asking WWJD he would just live the life and let his actions, not his clothes or hip new tag line do the talking...

So more importantly - what are you doing to help heal, help change, help grow, help educate, help love, help care for the world and people around you? Yeah I know - too much to put on a shirt and it would never fit on a bracelet so I guess you will just have to remember it and live it out with your hourly, daily and weekly actions... So yes, you are going to have to do something besides wear a slogan if you want to come to close to answer the question WWJD....

Tough love ...

Ladies, you have been asking so I am answering... What are the deal breakers? What things do we ladies do that signal that we will be alone forever and ever amen...

1. Baby talk...

Sure like a baby we are fascinated with your breasts but we like them for different reasons and our lust/love of your breasts does not give you the green light to talk to us like we are your kid. We are all adults so talk to us like adults and keep the pet names on the up and up as well. We will never be your schmoopy so don't ask....

2. It is not in the cards...

I get that you have a 6th or 9th or 12th sense but as men, we don't care so stop trying to tell us how Jupiter has influenced our eating habits, colon and our love life. And no we do not care that your psychic friend thinks that we are not the one for you... If you need to call a 900 number at 6.95 a minute to figure out if we should be together or not then we can answer that question with a you say hello, we say goodbye - oddly you still say hello and we really do mean goodbye.

3. I like this but not that...

Just eat will you. No guy likes a girl that eats like a 5 year old. Just order the food that is on the menu and eat it. Don't say you like sushi and then complain that the tempura chicken is gross. Be an adult. If nothing on the menu fits just order the cheapest item and do your best to suck it down. Notice how I wrote, order the cheapest item on the menu. Don't order lobster and then complain that you don't like shell fish. Don't like the breaded stuff on the chicken fingers... Thanks

4. You are an open book...

You are cute. You are fun. You drink a bit too much but we are even okay with that. You share too much and we will drop you like a bad habit. We don't need to hear about your lost love, your creep aunt, the dog you lost as a kid or how moving so much as a child affected the way you relate to people... If you are going to share then share with us the good stuff like - your first early 20's pillow fight or even your first girl - girl kiss... See how sharing is bad but can be made good?

5. You are 20...

Blame your parents - they just had you too late in life and we are not a dirty old man that lives in his PJ's all day long hoping one day to photograph you naked... If you are 20 or 21 and want to land a guy that is not shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch then understand the following: we don't do shooters anymore, we don't wear skinny jeans or any other random fashion trend of the week, we don't need to be dry humped in the bar by you and you don't need to act 30 by only drinking wine and champagne.. Be cute, be quite and drink what we order you - you are 20 - deal with it...

There you have it - 5 tips to help you find love, unless you are 20...