So right they are wrong...

Pew Research Center took on the task of finding out what people thought of Fox News. Oddly enough 47% thought that Fox, and lets use the term loosely - News, called them mostly conservative. Then the weird came out. 14% thought Fox News was.... wait for it... "mostly liberal." 14% of the people polled thought that Fox News - the commentators called our president a racist and compared him to Hitler, was liberal. The same 14% thought Sarah Palin was a hippie; thought Dick Cheney was a bad shot; thought the Old Testament was a light hearted kids books full of cute stories; and thought McCarthy was way to soft on Hollywood and those commies!

After reading this two things need to happen:

1. Someone needs to invent a murder button. Like the Staples button, "that was easy." I can push it and, Murder Button, "they are dead."

2. Like a driving test, people need to take a test before having kids. You can't just be humping away until your cousin pops out a kid...

In other news:

ABC News in Washington DC is taking an up close and unobscured look at women giving themselves home breast exams. This will be the first time in the history of news that the largest viewing demographics will be 14 year old boys and 45 year old virgins... Boobies!

Our friends in Indonesia are just saying no to camel toe. For all of you spandex wearing ladies out there, cancel your trip to Indonesia. Starting the first of Nov. it will be against the law for women to wear "tight" pants. By tight they mean everything from skinny jeans to clothe to tight you can tell what religion a girl is...

There is a new way to cheat death and get paid and it comes from our friends in Russia. Stop light roulette. Drivers get paid to up to 7k to go for a series of miles running red lights and stop signs, if they finish the task accident free they can win big. Oh those crazy Russian taxi drivers - they will do anything for a tip.

Happy Friday kids... Make it a great weekend...

Prison Justice...

Some things are so amazing you just can't make them up and to be honest you would not even think about making them up... Unicorn monkeys - thought of it! Zero calorie beer - please, that is years old. Tom Cruise as a straight guy - ladies wish upon a lucky star... So what then? Read on party people, read on...

Earlier this week a Los Angeles couple attacked and tortured their loan modification agent. That is not the interesting news... The kicker is that the couple beat up their loan modification agent with wooden knuckles! Not brass knuckles, wooden knuckles. In these economic trying times they took apart their banister and whittled themselves some wooden knuckles.

I wondered, did the wooden knuckles have a nice varnish or perhaps the wooden knuckles had a rough cut giving deep bruises and slivers. That is insult to injury - a busted up face and the embarrassment of slivers, slivers that if you have super delicate skin could lead to scares making you a hit one day out of the year - you guessed it, Halloween (yes I can and will keep it seasonal).

Comparing the wood to brass I have to think that wood wins out as not only the cheaper alternative but also the greater inflictor of pain. Brass is smooth, polished and shiny. Wood is thick, dark, rough and has the ability to slowly peel apart and lodge into your victims skin. As a bonus, if you are a green bully you can recycle your homemade wooden knuckles - can't do that with brass knuckles.

Just had a flash of wisdom. Father son bully teams can make wooden knuckles together in the garage. Wooden knuckles can tear faces apart and bring lost and violent families together. The family that carves and fights together, stays together...

IN other exciting news:

1. A new defense is being used in a murder case... The jiggle and giggle, I am too fat to kill defense. A man from Hackensack, NJ says that there is no way he could kill his former son-in-law because he is just too fat. Oddly enough, he is not too fat to be on the Biggest Looser. If he wins this case will there be a body mass index for murders? Two pounds lighter and I would be guilty.... Ben and Jerry saved my fat ass murdering life....

2. There is nothing magic about your magic marker, accept for the word magic in the name. Two boys in Carroll, Iowa found this out the hard way. They colored their faces with black magic marker ink and then robbed a couple of homes. The police busted them... Shocker I know... After all they paid the 10 cents extra and used the magic marker - making one have to believe that it comes with magic ink. If the cap was magic what would be the point?

3. The rule has changed from what would Jesus do to this is what Jesus told me to do and that makes decision making so much easier... Earlier this week in Lexington, KY a man was arrested for stealing a car - Dodge Charger. His defense has nothing to do with his size, that can only be used with murders (yes we are close to the end of the blog, hence the wrap up). He told the cops that Jesus talked him into stealing the car. So have we evolved to WWJS (what would Jesus steal)? FYI - Jesus would have you steal a donkey. Sure the get away power is not there but, Jesus would want you to steal the exact same ride that he had. Besides, donkeys as a form of transportation never go out of style and unlike lamas and camels, donkeys don't spit!

Happy Thursday...

Halloween and the stars...

I spent the night looking into the stars and my friends this is what I have found for you...

Aries: Let's start with your outfit.. Sure it will get you laid but when you wake up you will want to chew your arm off... So be prepared for a whorish, drunken night of forgettable and bad sex... The stars don't lie and neither do you legs that have never crossed.

Taurus: I know with the outfit you picked I should be saying, "oh you little devil." But you will be bull giving the horns. Who will mess with you? Look for the handsome man drinking ice cold vodka gimlets.

Gemini: So sorry but you suck. You pulled the short straw and that means that you and your earth hating SUV will be driving around all night long with your drunk candy corn smelling friends as they plow through Taco Bell and then end up puking in the back of your ride... Have a great night. And the mom costume you will be rocking, so money...

Cancer: You will have a hard time picking out the right costume. First you will want to be the balloon boy - then you will want to be OctoMom - then swine flu.... Don't settle and don't be a contemporary news piece.... Be something cool like a bumble bee or a flower...

Leo: As yourself this question.. Do you like being blind drunk and making an ass of yourself? I know you do.... And so do the stars... Get ready for a booze fueled night where you will moon the bartender, flash the taxi driver and have your barf fly through your nose.... Eat light that night..

Virgo: Just like every night of your life it will be amazing... Nice work... PS, I am a Virgo...

Libra: This is your Halloween of DEATH! If you want to make it a great Halloween than I recommend you dressing up as a recently departed celebrity... Just remember that with costume comes the responsibility to also act out that persons death...

Scorpio: This is your day to show off your dark side... Dress in black. Dress in leather. Dress in latex. Dress in something that is dark, sexy and a lot like cat woman - and don't be picky. Go early 90's Cat Woman or early 60's... Either way, just go..

BTW: totally forgot there was going to be 12 of these... The stars are getting fuzzy...

Capricorn: I just gave you a disclaimer and now I am going to use it. The name is a softball pitch and I am taking it... Dress up as candy corn, eat candy corn and only take candy corn shots....

Aquarius: Hey you horny sea horse... Tonight is your night to get the hot tub and - just a like a sea horse, grow... Your sea horse gig will have you doing the headless horseman walk of shame during the dawning of the age of aquarius.... Come on I had to..

Pisces: Let's be honest for the past 8 years you have dressed like a whore so don't wreck a good thing, just add to it. Add how? I recommend one game and one game only - you get on your knees and show of your skills by bobbing for apples.

The stars don't lie and neither do my booze filled eyes... Happy Halloween kids...

He says no more...

Paul Haggis, the director of Crash has decided to sever his ties with Scientology. Why you ask?First, let's go over the why nots...

Number 1: The idea that 75 million years ago, there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu who was in charge of 76 planets in our sector of the galaxy, including planet Earth, whose name at that time was Teegeeack. This idea did not make him sever ties with the modern religion..

Number 2: The idea that each individual person (called a "thetan") is considered to be a "thought unit" of the spiritual universe which interacts with the physical universe (MEST), usually by inhabiting a human body. That did not have him running for the doors..

Number 3: The idea that "levels" through which a participant progresses make up what is called "The Bridge to Total Freedom." Progress through all the levels of the "Bridge" often takes many years of dedicated study and practice, and the cost in fees for services for the Bridge is currently estimated at approximately $300,000 - $500,000 in US dollars. That dollar figure and belief did not have our friend shaking his head.. Oh no...

Number 4: The thought that in 1970 Hubbard blamed the Holocaust on psychiatry. Nope.com that did not have Haggis saying not for me and my big brain...

So what had Haggis saying no more to Scientology? They will not support gay relationships... "I could not, in good conscience, be a member of an organization where gay-bashing was tolerated," Haggis wrote.

I am with Haggis... You should not be part of an organization that tolerates gay-bashing. That written, I am disappointed that my he let 4 crucial things slide - hundreds of thousands of dollars being paid to get to cross a bridge, Holocaust bashing, alien rulers and of course Thetans..... I am all for a guy having principles but common sense seems that it would be a good second when looking into joining and being a part of organizations...

I am going to put on my purple snuggie and some black nikes... I am late for a meeting...