Twinkle, twinkle little star who shall love me at this bar?

I was going to do a blog on how a woman took my relationship blogs to heart and then got hurt. Then I remembered my cardinal rule - I don't blog about my life or how my blogs impact others...

So instead lets just pass out some more advice...

With a fever of 101 and cloud covered skies I can still see the stars... Or I am just seeing stars... No matter, time to read them...

Aries: Go to Condom Revolution and buy some edible body paints. Then go to BevMo for the 5cent sale and get some wine. Stop at Illuminations for some candles. Now it is time to party. As a side note - the edible body paint and the box wine you get at BevMo will make war not love in your tummy and you will barf on your lover - but up until that moment, you my friend are making magic!

Taurus: Just like the song from Bad Company - Feel Like Make'n Love. That is the only feeling you are going to have this week. Keep it fun and sing, Hooked On A Feel'n.

Gemini: There is a reason you go to the gym, wax and get rid of that furry creature above your lip (at least we all know you are on the pill) - you want to look good. And to be honest, he only likes you for your hot body... Not your mind... So one more mile and one more set of sit ups..

Cancer: It is getting hot... The lines are getting wavy and the stars are getting brighter... Oh Cancer you are in so much trouble. You believe in love at first sight. You will find lust at first sight. Sadly your lust will come and go and yes the pun was intended...

Leo: It has been awhile for you and by a while I mean a really long time.. Stop treating your body like a lust filled jungle gym and get out there. It is time you stopped you playing the role of a horny monkey in the tree and started getting out there - talking with the opposite sex...

Virgo: Life is good... Life is really good. Keep on keeping on my friends..

Libra: The colors change in the fall but that does not mean that your colors need to change. Ditch the colored contacts and go back to the days when the drapes matched the carpet... That does give you the green light to invest in shag carpet...

Scorpio: The drugs are not working... My head is on fire... Oddly enough after your one night stand this weekend you will pee fire. Sorry, taking penicillin early will not help..

Sagittarius: Don't get lost in the waves of adoration... Don't get lost in the cheers, err rings from the calls of the opposite sex wanting you... I write this but you will... And while your chest fills up with pride and your heart swells a scorned lover will sneak up behind you and cut so fast and hard you will not even hear your brass balls hit the floor...

Capricorn: Your orgasm is not a Rubik's cube so stop treating it like one and stop requesting that each of your lovers be the perfect mix of Steven Hawkings and Brad Pitt....

Aquarius: Invest in a Snuggie... Your love life plays the seasons... Summer was hot and so where you... Winter will be cold and so will your bed...

Pisces: If you want someone to open the present in your pants this winter then start channeling Howard Hughes... Stay up in a hotel room, alone, unshaven and jars of piss surrounding you.. But just in your mind... Don't really do this unless you are worth billions and you can afford to bring in top rate talent that will look past your oddities for a couple grand...

Little schooling - high pay...

My dear friends at Yahoo! Finance came up with a list of 10 high paying jobs that take little to no schooling. Today we are going to take a look at some of the jobs, the pay, the responsibility and then do some simple math to see if the little to no schooling is justified...

Job: Air traffic controller

Pay: 100k

Schooling: 2 years - on the job training

Responsibility: Watching blinking dots on a radar screen - i.e. those blinking dots are you and your friends. Air traffic controllers make sure you take off and land safely. The average air traffic controller navigates 1000's of a lives day.

The math: I would think that we, the consumer and passenger, would want a person who can handle more than 2 years of schooling before I turn my life over to them. You need more schooling to volunteer... You need more schooling to teach snotty little nose picking butt scratchers... But when the lives of 100's at a time, 1000's during a work day are at hand - 2 years of schooling - sure, how much schooling does one need when human lives are stake? BTW - my vote is 10 years...

Job: Detective

Pay: 70k

Schooling: Passing in house tests and exams

Responsibility: Carry guns, have a badge, solve crimes....

The math: First off, anyone that gets to carry a gun and determine my guilt or innocence needs at least 10 years of schooling and then another 5 years of couch time with the psychologist. After that, then we can give them a gun, a badge and a pay raise. Officers have a dangerous job and they deserve to be paid like doctors. That written, they need to have the same training as doctors...

Job: Sheriff Patrol Officer

Pay: 55k

Schooling: Needed to complete high school

Responsibility: Carry a gun, a badge, get a cool car with lights, sounds and more guns...

The math: We all went to high school. Nothing in high school education prepares you to carry a gun, shoot someone, arrest someone or deal with the power of being a law enforcement officer. I would not give a high school educated person the power to write parking tickets, let alone give them a gun, a badge and a top of the line super car with more guns...

Job: Occupational Therapist Assistant

Pay: 40k

School: Degree or Certificate

Responsibility: Help injured people recover from or compensate for loss of motor skills.

The math: This should be your worst nightmare - you break your back and you go to Taz the hippie from Santa Cruz who is going to heal your back, your soul and your inner child. Don't worry Taz has a certificate from IHOP (International House of Physicalness). The only thing Taz should be doing is writing me a medical marijuana prescription... He should never be touching me, no matter what that piece of paper on the side of his van says...

Happy Tuesday my friends...

Words of wisdom...

The news is rich with information this morning - 6ft tall orange bunny rabbits getting hit by cabs; transvestites robbing people; Egyptian women saying no to the bee keeper outfits... And on and on... But after Saturday, this is all I have to write.. Enjoy. T-shirts will be available shortly...

In response to the old adage, "Why would a man buy the cow if he can get the milk for free."

"Why by the pig when all you want is a little bit of sausage."

AND I AM OUT!