In the news...

Here is what is in the news - all the news, new and improved by yours truly... Lets get right to it.

The people of the Mid West are big drinkers. That is not a blanket statement, that is a fact - as sure as the sun rises, the people of the Mid West love their booze. The wonderfully boozy kids of Clawson, Michigan are no different. After an argument a woman pulled a knife on her husband - for saying she was fat you ask? Nope.com. The husband threw away her bottle of vodka. The wife made her husband dig through the trash to get her bottle of vodka and then demand that he get her the car keys. After giving up the goods her husband called 911 - the cops found her and she was pulled over with blood alcohol level of 0.23 - just below the legal limit in Michigan. On the bright side, she did not go Bobbit and cut his junk off while he slept. One the brighter side, the bottle of vodka was plastic so when he through it way it did not break... And people at the store made fun of her for buying the handle of plastic vodka - who is laughing now?

From boozy ladies with anger issues to bad guys with image issues. America's Next Top Model may be shot in London, England at the local precinct. A British man, with bad teeth - we can safely assume that, sent a picture of himself into a local paper because he did not like the sketch they made of him. WOW! Vanity has no borders... Sure he looks better in his wanted picture but now everyone knows exactly who he is. The only way this gets better is if the police work with FaceBook and use a biometric algorithm to scan photos and find those that fit his same facial features.... I am sure this criminal mastermind meets ego maniac is tagged in a couple of albums. It is safe to say he is flexing in one of his FB photos...

What do you get when you mix knives, booze, cops and burglars concerned with Vanity - well mix with a whisk in an oven safe bowel, pre-heat the oven to 425 and bake for 20 to 25 minutes. You will get a beautiful and rare turtle that some will think is God him/her self... The wonderful people of Bhubaneswar, India have themselves a rare turtle - well that is what herpetologists (you have the job of studying turtles and the name of your profession is has herpes in it - named after a sore you get on your pepe) are telling them. They think they have God in turtle form. Next to butterfly and human - God's third favorite option when hanging out on planet earth, turtle - his fourth is lama, the big man/woman loves to spit. Here is what you need to know as rules and how they apply to "God" - 1. If a guy wearing glasses says he is God, he is not. God does not need glasses - think about it. 2. If a guy says he is God and asks you if he can sleep with your wife and daughter - he is not God. 3. If a guy says he is God and then asks you to kill yourself, then he is not God. God has a track record of taking what he/she wants without asking. 4. If it takes you smoking Panama Red to get your God, errr turtle to talk with you about the future and the worlds beyond then the turtle is not God....

There you have it - the news, rewashed..

Getting ready for the weekend...

Before we jump into the shenanigans that make up my blog lets take a moment to remember all of the great people that have and that are serving in the armed forces. Say a pray for those serving. Say a pray for those that have served. Say a prayer for those recovering. Say a prayer for the families of service men/women and veterans.

Okay, wipe your eyes - stop patting yourself on the back and lets start planning your weekend. Now I know you are thinking I am going to share with you how you can find that special someone at 10am, 2pm and 8pm at your local water hole... Not today party people. Time to give your liver a break and let your imagination run wild! My first ever movie - and if you like, not my last Wednesday movie beat! Don't trip I have not seen any of these movies... I don't have time to go to the movies and when push comes to shove my money is better spent on beer... But you, you need to give your liver a break and go see the movies. If you must, sneak in a shot or two of rum for your coke - and then comes the smile!

Movie number 1: 2012

The first ever blockbuster funned education film. This movie has all the excitement of shark week with all of the special effects that you would find in the TV hit Fantasy Island - yes the, "de plane boss" is a midget - special effects are not that special. 2012 is a historical look at the first pyramid and virgin killing economic bubble. One man took on the job of making people's calendar - that was the first mistake, you never give just one person a job. That one man sold his calendar services, increasing his rate in the exploding Mayan economy. The Mayan people paid for a while but hey had to stop paying... The exact day they stopped paying - 12/12/2012... Why did they stop paying? Economic crisis. There was a pyramid bubble - they invested in too many pyramids and virgin sacrifices... Their economic bubble burst and that burst led to the cut backs - the first cut back was calendars...

I give 2012 3 out 5 stars....

Number 2: Fantastic Mr. Fox

This is a turn you on your head kind of movie. George Clooney is the ugly dorky guy and Billy Murray is the handsome stud that can't go 2 blocks without getting laid. Mr. Fox (Bill Murray) is a modern day gigolo going from town to town but this gigolo has a dark secret - he is impotent! That is right in the black comedy Bill Murray is playing pool with a garden hose. So how does Clooney fit in???? The ugly but well hung Clooney plays Murray's cock double. The real twist comes when a woman from Two Dot, MT falls in love with Murray's looks and Clooney's - well you know.... She accepts them both and like a dyslexic mormon she marries both. Clooney stays locked in the bedroom like hidden porn under your 13 year old mattress and Murray skips around town free and in love.

I give this movie 6 our of 13 stars

Number 3: The Messenger

Staring Ben Foster, from Yuma 3:10 obscurity, stars as a 1920's tap instructor that works on the side as a singing telegramer. Foster gained 65lbs to get the starting role. Foster said it was hard to learn how tap dance and gain weight but having ice cream and cheese cake with every meal put the pounds on.... Per the movie - Foster is tone deaf and can't hold a beat to save his life - I saw this in the preview. The producers went over the top in a bad way by making it a black and white talky - Chaplin style, minus the talent...

I give this move 2 our 33 stars....

Happy Hump Day!

First dates to relationships....

Yesterday I took the time to help you through your first date jitters. Today I am here to help you go from the first date to landing that special someone you can and will fart in front of.... Stop blaming the dog ladies...

Read, study, print and follow like map quest directions to your Match.com date...

Number 1: Can you hear me now?

Date one is done and in the bag - you have covered religion, sex and your ex. You have the digits and you want to see that special someone again... So how do you land them? Easy my friends - the drunk dial. Go get super boozy with your friends and at 2am shoot a text (that makes no sense because the keys are so small and your fingers are so big when you get drunk) and follow that text up with a phone call. Nothing cements a relationship like a drunk dial. Think about it - that special person gets to know if you are a happy, sad or a mean drunk. They also get to know if you drink and drive. And they get the bonus of booze honesty - they quiz you and your verbal diarrhea takes over...

Number 2: No I love you more...

If you want to keep that special someone around then you have to profess your love. Date 2 is the perfect time to say, "I love you." Don't let the love haters out there tell you that saying I love you on date 2 is going to fast... You are special, you can feel and understand love in hours - for many it takes months, if not years... Feel sorry for those people - keep your heart open and your liver working overtime. You can only feel true love if when you get drunk and let your defenses down...

Number 3: I just called to say....

You sound best when you leave a long and awkward message for your special someone... A message that goes like this: "Hey you, how are you? I am just in the car driving to my dentist and... Hey what the F*#%K - learn how to drive you old bag! I hope you die soon - you and that parrot on your shoulder. Who gave you a license to drive? Sorry, btw - have you ever seen the 80's classic license to drive? How about this Friday I go to Blockbuster and rent that gem for us - we can cuddle up, pop up some fresh Indiana corn and...... What the hell man? Crazy homeless person - Allah, I hate homeless people. They need to die. Wonder if anyone would notice if I ran a homeless person over? They are homeless and they smell so bad some may think they are just sleeping and are not dead... It is a thought." Then comes your calling card... If you are happy with your message please hang up, press 1 to mark urgent, press 2 to re-record. You press 1 and know that she loves you and you love her. PS - the reason she will not call you back? License to Drive - come on man, really? If you are going classic driving movie you have to rock Smokey and Bandit or Cannon Ball Run... Dumb ass...

Number 4: www.....

The information super highway brought you together. The information super highway will bring you closer. FaceBook - Twitter - Google searches - Myspace - YouTube... These social networking sites are also the foundation of how you will share and express your love while the two of you are apart. Your tweets will go from - "gotta poop again, 4th time today and it is only 11am" to "5am, waking up and still in love - smiles for miles." Your FaceBook status will go from - "Monday's blow" to "Got blow again on a Monday!" You will go from lip sinking Hootie and The Blowfish songs on YouTube to singing Michael Bolton songs to your special someone. Your Myspace account will change - your clips from Dateline's To Catch A Predator to clips from the hidden camera you put up in her bathroom (keep it classy and blur out her cheese). Don't forget to google your special someone so you can see everything have done and pictures they wish they had never taken...

Three tips to keeping and maintaining a last relationship... Happy Tuesday party people...

I am back...

First dates are the best but some people get a bit nervous when it comes to dating and they get really nervous on first dates... So I am here to help you nervous Nelly's navigate the first date waters with ease... Today I will be giving you some points on what to talk about on your first date... Use these talking points and I can promise that your first date will be..... Well it will be....

1: What you have experienced....

Everyone knows that a first date is not only a free dinner (for the ladies) but also your first of many therapy sessions. We all know that sharing about your ex is a winning idea but what the experts won't tell you is that you should also share about your recent dating history... I recommend that during dinner you share about your date the night before - the good, the bad, the ugly and the sex... Your date has the right to know if they are on the road to a good date or a bad date and that no matter how the date goes that you will put out...

2. Dear baby Jesus....

Who you pray to and why is a must for first date conversation... In fact I recommend that over dinner you drop the "grace" bomb and pray over your food. You need to know if the person you are with is on the Tom Cruise Scientology train or if at some point they want you to move to South America and drink some KoolAid or rock a purple smock and black Nikes before you go to bed. This is information you need on date 1 not date 3 or 5 when find yourself at a rally praising the darkness, tell the sun to F-off and nailing the local doctor to a cross for highlighting the benefits of 60 year old men getting a boner or 2...

3. Sex....

Like my girls Salt-n-Peppa, "let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me..." If I am picking a date up I will have this song ready to play when the lucky young lady gets in the car - set the stage and keep it classy... If you can't talk about sex on a first date then what can you talk about it? Jump the big hurdles early and then the talk about less important things like kids, lifestyle, debt - money management, family and relationship expectations will be like water under the bridge.... You won't even need to talk about them - you will be to busy talking about and having sex... Thank me after you catch your breath...

Keeping dating conversations and dating dreams alive.... Much love party people and happy Monday...