Single person's starter kit...

As of late I have been asked - how do you get the conversation started with a sexy stranger? Let me, the king of conversation starters show you the way to go from hi to oh my....

Conversation starter number 1: Point out the obvious

Ask a question that will lead to a positive answer. Talk up the food, the room (spice this one up with some sex talk - asking, hey, wonder how many times they have done it in here - wink, wink), the occasion (unless it is a funeral or an intervention), and if you must the weather - the worst but the safest fall back of them all. The key is that you don't want the conversation to lead the person sharing too much with you. You are just trying to sleep with them not write their biography. Never ask these questions - what is your name, what is your sign, where are you from or what is with the ring, trying to keep the single people away?

Conversation starter number 2: News you should use

Sure you can watch the "news" - the news that allows ladies to bump their gums. OR you can go out and get yourself a National Enquirer and drops some knowledge. You could talk about stocks and bonds and the state of the euro verses the dollar... OR you could talk about the Russian bat faced girl, the hammer monkeys of Brazil, the truth that Jesus was married with 7 kids or even how there is proof that Michael Jackson is alive. Be the interesting person not the kid who got an A in current events, nicknamed Jackass...

Conversation starter number 3: Go subtle stalker

If you saw them in the street from a safe distance away you would first follow them home and then sift through their trash so you could see what and where they buy stuff so that you could "bump" into them at the market or their local java shop... This new situation, we will call it the conversation situation, has you making tactical changes in your approach. So ask questions like what magazines they subscribe to, where they buy their porn, if they have ever done cam to cam, where they get their mail delivered and if their office allows guests...

Conversation starter number 4: Nipple fun...

If Clark W. Griswald has taught us anything he has taught us to be chatty during the holidays. After all no matter where you live you can always start a holiday conversation with, "it is a tit bit nipply out there." The reality is that a nicely timed boobie conversation from either a man or a woman is a great starter... So if you can't conversation stalk them, if you just are not comfortable talking about the weather and if you forgot to stop by the store to get the latest copy of the paper, I mean the Enquirer, then go with the what you know - nipples... We all have them and they all get hard in the cold. With this conversation starter you covering the weather, science, biology and you are slipping in some sex... Nice work my friend, nice work...

Now go chat it up with party people and be merry or Marry - I don't judge...

Time to read your beak!

Turkey day is right around the corner - lucky for you boozy wine night and star gazing happened last night and that means it is time to bring together the stars and holiday surrounding murder and gluttony!

(In a really deep announcer voice) IT'S TIME TO READ YOUR BEAK (don't be a pervert and make that dirty)....

Aries: Your turkey will be dry. Your cream corn too runny. Your mashed potatoes to mashed. Your pumpkin pie burnt. Your whip cream without a whip. Lucky you you served wine first so everyone is so bombed they don't know that they are eating crap.... good play aries, good play

Taurus: You are an eater, an eater without a taste for good or bad food. You treat Thanksgiving like a Roman - bingeing and purging and bingeing and sleeping only to wake up and eat the food off of your shirt... Expect to gain 20 or 30lbs on turkey day. Rough but honest side note: you will never take the weight off.

Gemini: You have one speciality and your speciality blows. You are that person that brings the jello with fruit in it. The kids revel at how the cantaloupe and strawberry bits are suspended by lime jello. The adults sit in disgust and wonder how much they have to take - enough not to be rude but not enough to cause them to vomit. Thanks for bringing the fruit cake this Christmas as well jerk...

Cancer: We love you. You come early, you stay late and you are drunk from the moment you arrive. You bring the wine and oddly enough drink all the wine. You miss the meal - because you are passed out on the couch watching football... Funny thing, you always wonder why we make you drink white wine in the living room.. Answer: you pass out and spill the wine - it is easier to clean up white wine... Thanks for being the cheap and fun date on Thanksgiving... You give nothing, you take nothing...

Leo: We hate you... You comment on everything and your comments are directly from the mouth of mayor of negative town... The gravy is too runny. The turkey is too dry. The cranberry sauce is from canned cranberries. Maybe you should stop eating the free food that aries provides... I hope you get food poisoning leo - then you will have something to complain about..

Virgo: You make great food. You make great drinks. You are a great host. I am a virgo..

Libra: Why do you bring the random? Why is it always your job to bring the third century lat fish that traditional Scandinavian travelers ate when they reached their destination? One, we don't care. Two, why? Three, being eclectic is cool and all when you are in a bar trying to impress someone - that written, we are not in a bar and you have not impressed, just annoyed us. Four, we don't care. Five, we are not going to eat it.

Scorpio: Note to my trailer park friend - your marshmallow pie is nasty. We are not having turkey day in your double wide for a couple of reasons. We are at a house that cannot be moved on a whim... So let's leave the trailer park food in the trailer park. That does not mean you should not bring beer... Class it up with a brand name this year please. Oh and you only bring a bag chips over if we are only watching the game... And no wings this year, once again - only on the real game day...

Sagittarius: Why do you insist on only having ham and no turkey? Why is a pigs ass better to eat than a whole bird? Why can't we have both? Why must it be only ham? You are so frustrating... Give a little this year..

Capricorn: I know, I know meat is murder. But don't lie to me and tell me that ToFurkey tastes the same turkey, cause it doesn't. Maybe you should spend Thanksgiving alone. We don't need you to bring us down with your negative energy. This is a day of thanks not a day of guilt, that is why we have earth day...

Aquarius: I know you are a go getter but this year maybe you should put down the Martha Stewart cook book and go with Rachel Ray's annoying but easy to cook side dishes. Let's keep it simple with a nice chocolate chip cookie instead of some runny over cooked and dry chocolate macadamia nut torte. Or you could just buy the cookies, then we would really enjoy them...

Pisces: We are all sick and tired of seeing you unbutton your pants when you plop down on the couch... We get it, you are full. The unbuttoning of the pants is a bit extreme. BTW - last year when you rocked the sweat pants, not cool either. Let's work on just being human and being a part of polite society where we don't undo our pants in front of people to show just how full we are...

Your signs, your Thanksgiving, your life - according to a drunk guy looking at the stars.. Gobble..

The news you missed...

While you where watching football, playing grab ass and getting blind drunk - I was reading newspapers from around the world. Like the Hardy Boys before me, I have found the news that did not make the big 4 networks... Here are the top stories from weekend...

Story number 1: Growing meat...

What are you growing in your garden? Perhaps some carrots, maybe potatoes? How about some beef or pork? Back in the day Winston Churchill famously predicted that we would one day be able to grow chicken breasts and wings without the actual chicken. Leave it to a fat man from a country that is known for bland food and bad teeth to go all Nostradamus on us... But he did and science has gone all out to prove him right.

Some initial questions: 1. Will this get PETA off our backs for eating meat? 2. Will the smell of central CA change from crap to chia tea latte? 3. What kind of meat would you grow in your backyard?

The reality is that science has come along way and many believe that they can go from growing nerves, hearts and other tissues like artificial penis tissue for rabbits (that is not me being funny, that is real - bunnies need boners too. Hence the term Xing like rabbits) to growing thick juice pork chops or angus beef burgers. The extra kickers include: avoiding the suffering of animals, no more food borne ailments, free up agricultural land, no more poop smells, no more bad gas from fat cows that ends up killing our ozone layer...

Off to go grow some yellow fin tuna...

Story number 2: Sharing is caring...

A CA man, really this kind of crap only happens in CA, was arrested after paying several children 30 dollars to spit in his face.

You know that this request was posted on craigslist.com - home of the whacky requests... I can just imagine the post: Handsome man, over 35 looking for handsome young teen boys under 18 to spit in my face. Smokers and coffee drinkers a plus. If you have a cold please load up on Musinex so that I can get some thick, green, flemmy spit that will hang on my face.

Well I just barfed in my mouth... Wonder if I could have gotten paid to spit that on his face.. My throat burns.

Story number 3: High times kiss....

A woman was busted as she smuggled drugs into prison, via her mouth, and then gave them to the prisoner with an open mouth kiss.

The officers in the prison noticed he has something in his mouth. When they went to check him out he swallowed the balloon. They put him in a private cell where they could monitor his bathroom breaks.

Who gets that job? How low are on the totem pole that you get to watch a guy crap? "Hey honey how was your day?" "So boring. Inmate 4493 did not crap all day. Worse than that - when he does crap. I have to look through it for drugs. I sure hope the prison food does not give him the runs."

There is the water cooler news that you can use to stay hip and cool....

Places not meet that special someone..

I have written at length on where you need to go to meet that special someone - bars, strip clubs, Chuckie Cheese, grade school playgrounds, church... blah, blah, blah... Some of you just are not getting it so to make it easier I am going to highlight the places where you should never meet that special someone..

Let's get this started so you know that places to avoid this weekend...

Coming in at number 1: Costco

You can't pick up or get picked up at Costco and you shouldn't. How do expect to flirt with that special someone when you have a lifetime supply of maxi pad "super absorbent" or 50lbs of dolphin safe tuna or 2 vats of salsa? You can't? Brangolina is not that good and you are no Brangolina. Go to Costco to get your business done. Besides nothing says whore (for men or women) like you buying condoms at Costco....

Coming at number 2: The movies

First is is pathetic that you can't find at least one friend to join you at the movies. That is sad. So don't add to that sadness by trying to pick up someone at the movies - more than likely they are with someone. If they are alone don't think soul mate think creepy person that has more cats and online avatars than you. Sure they cool when you are chatting on WOW but in the real world they are just another stalker with at least 10 restraining orders against them. If you go to a movie alone just shut up and sit there in your lonely essence and try to enjoy the show...

Coming in at number 3: The park

Creepy homeless people and families hang out at the park so unless you have no place to go or unless you are a home wrecker the park is not a place to pick up on someone. Besides what is your line at the park? "Wanna swing with me?" That can me so much more than a rusty swing and a coming tetanus shot - that could mean, well I think you know.

So three places shot down... But I am not cruel, I will leave you with three places to find someone as well..

Coming in at number 1: The bus station

You need to meet a person that is going places and the bus station is the only place where you can do this without buying a ticket. It used to be cool to go get bombed in the airport bar but the terrorists ruined that for us so we are relegated to the bus station. As a bonus you can bring your own beer and a ticket from LA to NY on Greyhound is only 30 bucks... Happy trails. PS - don't be afraid to join the mile long club in the bus bathroom..

Coming in at number 2: Hot Yoga

This is the home run of places to pick people up. 1. They are wearing barely anything. 2. You get to see how flexible they are and then make it into something sexual in your mind. 3. You get to see how they look at sweaty. 4. You get to see them in almost nothing, sweating and putting their legs behind their head... Home run!

Coming in at number 3: I have said it once and will say it again - Strip club

Follow my logic ladies. You want a man that will listen when you talk. You want a man that is generous with his money. You want a man that notices the small/subtle changes you make. You want a man that respects and admires the female body. Covered by the strip club patron. One, every time a woman at the strip club talks to him he listens. Two, every man at the strip club willingly gives his money away to the ladies. Three, every man at the strip club notices when his dancer changes outfits and lets his dancer know what outfit he like best on and off of her. Four, every man at the strip club watches each naked woman in precise detail... And we have a winner!

Go find that someone special this weekend.

This is our world...

The world we live in is crazy... I could ramble on and on about why I think it is crazy or I could just prove it... The proof (and big butts - just ask Sir Mix A Lot) is in the pudding...

Coming in at number 4 - Taser time for toddlers

In the south you can marry your 13 year old consenting cousin, molest farm animals and with the consent of a parent - police can now taser kids. In Arkansas a 10 year old girl was too out of control for her mother so the police where called in to take the little one away. Word on the street was that she put up a fight (remember she is 10)... She was fighting back so hard that the mom gave the green light for the police to taser her and with a glimmer in their eye and a skip in their step they pulled out the taser and zapped the 10 year old - then the police hand cuffed her and took her away. She is still only 10... First, how hard can a 10 year old fight back? Second, the cuffed her. Third, mom gave the green light for some tasering to be done... A mothers love has no bounds..

Coming in at number 3 - No more waffles

There was some rain in the ATL during September and God's wrath against frozen waffles was seen when the good Lord above flooded the Eggo waffle factory. The consequences - simple, the world is out of Eggo waffles. The reality is that if we play our cards right we may actually loose some weight and get off the super train to diabetes. Unless we, as consumers, decide to trade in our Eggos for maple flavored Pop Tarts... Never mind, we will figure out a way to keep the 8am sugar rush going strong...

Coming in at number 2 - International Toilet Day

Celebration begins NOW! The cool porcelain touch to your buns... The release... The flush... Your java and bran muffin will kick and when it does say a cheer as your release into your toilet. As a side note - only 15% of people have working plumbing with toilets. So this day is really just a big F U to everyone who does not have a toilet. Maybe we can start a day for the hole in the ground you crap in day... Not that they would know about it, it's not like everyone has a TV...

Coming in at number 1 - Hungry - how about a human kabob

3 homeless people (they don't have access to toilets) where arrested for eating a person they had cut up and selling other parts of the person to a local kabob house - and we are going to stop there. First, you have to be really hungry to cut up and eat a person - I watched Alive and it took those guys weeks before they started eating each other. Second, what kind of operation are you running when you are buying your meat from homeless people? You can't buy anything from a homeless person, especially meat - Come on man! As a bonus, the police have not determined if the corpse meat was sold to customers. I could tell you where this happened or you could eat some chicken and fish until you think the corpse meat has passed...

Have a great Thursday...

Movie reviews...

In a world dominated by movie phone, Yahoo! sneak previews and Siskel and Eibert - the show where the fat guy ate the skinny guy and then kept reviewing movies only to be replaced by 2 good looking people that actually watch the movies - all he did was review the concessions - new nachos, hot tamales, dips and the new jumbo coke zero...

In that world there is one man brave enough to review the movies for you. Don't worry no hollywood big wig has jaded my reviews, because I have not seen any of these movies. Unbiased movie reviews for you...

Coming to a theatre near you....

Movie: Planet 51

This is a documentary from the people that created Monster Vs Aliens (a true story of a battle that took place in Oklahoma in 1982), Ice Age (time traveling back to the ice age following animals and finding out that they could talk just like us) and The Taking of Phelam 123 (a true hollywood story of a famous producer kidnapping triplets all named Phelam) have come together again, joining the astronauts of Star Trek to travel to a far off planet - 51 planets away to be exact. The planet they find is a like the moon but colder - no ice, no water, no atmosphere and no aliens - kind of anti climactic... And unlike the twist at the end of titanic where the ships sinks - the whole team makes it back alive... BOOOOOO!

Movie: Broken Embraces

From the people that brought us Dateline's To Catch A Predator - finally a full feature film on how the team found, communicated with and finally caught the dirtiest perv alive... You got it right, the man who tells all the little kids to come and sit on his lap so he can find out what they want and where they live... Just in time for the Holidays - Broken Embraces finds and arrests Santa Claus. No more will a fat man in a tight red suit break into your home to eat your cookies and greet your children as they sleep. No more will the fat man call for your defenseless children to sit on his toilet seat lap making them spill their beans on where they live with the lies of toys and flying reindeer. This is a real world crime drama for the whole family.

Movie: The Blind Side

This is a heart touching film of siamese twins that are separated after being joined at the head for 30 years. Each twin gets one eye and one ear making their "other" side blind to sight and sound. We watch them as they struggle to walk, cross busy intersections, juggle and fill coffee cups at Starbucks. The hurtful looks from people have been replaced with a new displaced handicap - a blind side. The twins save up their money, move to Thailand and have risky surgery that gives them the hope and promise of being joined back together again.... As their friends from the circus wait so do we wondering, hoping, praying that they will live to scare small children all over the world..

Go out and enjoy the movies..

Cocktails and you!

When you go to the bar the drink you order says a lot about you. It is the first form of non-verbal communication you give the opposite sex. I have my prism (pretty colors), a newly designed drinking algorithm, my astrological chart (pocket size) and a frosty trailer park ice tea... With all my tools in front of me I am going to breakdown your drink order by your astrological sign - yeah I am that good...

Aries: Listen to your inner voice... Do you hear it? Looooonnnggg Neck bottle (yeah Garth Brooks is in your head)... Listen to Garth and listen to your thirst your thirst for hops and barley from a long neck bottle. I recommend Miller Light or MGD 64. Drink and be merry, not Marry. Oh and the long neck bottle says you have spent time in prison and now you can remove your front teeth.

Leo: Is that a sun tan I smell with a dash of diabetes? Yes it is and your drink is anything with Malibu. You are fun in the sun and no matter drunk you get you will always smell good. So good that wen you puke your puke will smell will good. You are classy and don't have to wear much clothing - after all you smell like suntan lotion...

Sagittarius: First, you should never order a drink with a straw in it. Second, you should never order a drink with cream in it. Third, you should never order a drink cherries in it. That leaves you with Vodka gimlets. Classy, elegant - pretty much everything you are not. But you are a pathological liar so this drink fits perfect with the lies that flow from your dirty pirate hooker mouth.

Taurus: Not just a crappy car from Ford you have one and only one drinking option and you know it. Go to your local corner store and grab a 40 of Colt 45! Click, click - boom! You have the class of Billy D with the kick of a black exploitation film... Yummy...

Virgo: Any drink goes good with you buckaroo... However I do recommend Pabst Blue Ribbon - classy and a blue ribbon winner.

Capricorn: There are no drinks with corn in them but there are plenty with wheat. You need to order a beer - an ice cold wheat beer with an orange wedge (NOT Lemon - that is so 1990's). This cloudy and filling beer stays with you and tells the person checking you out that it will take some work for them to see past your cloudy drunken state and that when you are drunk, like oatmeal on a cold winter day, you are a stage 5 clinger!

Gemini: All I see when I see this sign is a Cosmo. You might as well stay home, rent Sex and the City, get out your "make it great at home Cosmo drink book", look at all the people that have not returned winks to you on Match.com, get blink drunk, take horrible pictures and post them to your Facebook - this is the only way people will see what you would order if anyone would ever ask you out. Now that they have seen what you have ordered for yourself, well you will never get asked out. It is a vicious cycle.

Libra: Shots... That is you. Shots. Any shot will do but the shot that tells everyone at the bar you are a on cusp of being a full blown alcoholic? Double tall Wild Turkey with a warm water back. You are tough. You have hair on your chest and back. You have no taste buds. It's not your stomach that is hard it is your extra large hardened liver... You let everyone know that you will take what you want home, then puke on them, wet the bed, wake up in your own urine and vomit and start all over again!

Aquarius: There is one is every group. Your name says it all. You are the driver. You get to order a tall glass of water. I recommend that you class this drink up with no straw, light on the ice and a lemon wedge. You are safe. You take advantage of drunk people. You are very nice to drive us all around... Thanks Mom/Dad...

Cancer: You are so you.... And that means late nights and coffee drinks with booze in them. When you order this at the bar people look at you and say, "no need for cocaine there." The baileys has put a few pounds on you - just hit the tread mill for an extra mile pork chop. And don't forget gum, teeth whitening gum or your bad breath and brown teeth will have people thinking you are British (they are they ugliest people on the planet).

Scorpio: E I E I OOOOHHH no you didn't just oder a blended drink, but you did. You treat the bar like your own personal boozie Jamba Juice. Your drink order tells everyone that you are high maintenance and fruity. The mix of booze and head rushes ensure that you will make funny faces all night long. Sadly your love for blended ice and booze will come back to bite you in the ass when you make your spring break trip to MX. One drink down and then 2 two days down and out as you pee through your butt. Ice is made of water smarty Mc Smarterson.

Pisces: You are the last one on my list and I am tired. So for you I see one thing only... Wine. Cheap box wine. Maybe you class it up with some 2 buck Chuck. You let everyone know that you only seem classy - but in real life you are trailer park... You are the pig with lip stick... Pucker up butter cup...

News you can use..

With the weekend behind us it is time to look the news that made the back pages of papers all over the world... This is the "news" that the man is trying to hide from you. Let's get this party started, party people...

From the city that made sin even cooler than the other side of the pillow, Las Vegas has said no to strippers on the go... Don't get me wrong you can still get a toothless hooker with eyes like Julia Roberts and a methed out body like Kate Moss. But if you where thinking of having a moving truck drive up to your place with a couch, stripper pole and stripper in the back - think again! The city that made drinking till dawn cool has made traveling strippers uncool and a no no...

For those keeping score on what can and cannot go on in Vegas the yes column fills up with the following: hookers to your home/hotel room - check; full nude strippers at key locations - check; sniffing coke off a hookers naked alive or dead body - check; gambling until your under a mountain of debt - check; smoking - check; unlimited amounts of booze - check; topless pools - check; barely there swimwear at every other pool - check; sex in elevators - check... So what can't you do? Just one thing: Get strippers delivered to you in an old moving truck - that is going to far. That makes sense...

From the land of sin to the land of hungry, hungry hippo! Live from Caracas, President Hugo Chavez told the people of this land that a moment on the lips - forever on the hips you Fatty Mc. Fattersons! Chavez chastised the people of Venezuela, telling them it is time to push away from the table of gluttony and embrace rice cakes, diet coke and diet pills. Chavez sees the future and knows that fat people eat more - it is science. And more food will cost his communist country more money so his solution is to get them thin... Hollywood actress thin. As an incentive, every woman that become 9 fingered princess - dropping 35% or more of her weight will get breast implants. Finally a plan where we all win...

From the sinful to the skinny I bring you the ugly! A poll has been taken and the ugliest people on earth are the British. And it's not just their teeth - it is also their pale skin, bad style, improper use of skinny jeans, poor physical fitness - they are a pale and mushy bunch and the fact the British where the only people that could make old German woman look good.

The Polish where not part of this survey - the questions where just too confusing for them.

Question - when if ever will it be okay to make jokes pertaining to Michael J. Fox? I tried on the other night - it was met with a smile, then a realization that I was making fun of an American Icon - that was followed with a hit and a boo (but I could see the smile in the eyes).

Have a great Monday kids...

In the news...

Here is what is in the news - all the news, new and improved by yours truly... Lets get right to it.

The people of the Mid West are big drinkers. That is not a blanket statement, that is a fact - as sure as the sun rises, the people of the Mid West love their booze. The wonderfully boozy kids of Clawson, Michigan are no different. After an argument a woman pulled a knife on her husband - for saying she was fat you ask? Nope.com. The husband threw away her bottle of vodka. The wife made her husband dig through the trash to get her bottle of vodka and then demand that he get her the car keys. After giving up the goods her husband called 911 - the cops found her and she was pulled over with blood alcohol level of 0.23 - just below the legal limit in Michigan. On the bright side, she did not go Bobbit and cut his junk off while he slept. One the brighter side, the bottle of vodka was plastic so when he through it way it did not break... And people at the store made fun of her for buying the handle of plastic vodka - who is laughing now?

From boozy ladies with anger issues to bad guys with image issues. America's Next Top Model may be shot in London, England at the local precinct. A British man, with bad teeth - we can safely assume that, sent a picture of himself into a local paper because he did not like the sketch they made of him. WOW! Vanity has no borders... Sure he looks better in his wanted picture but now everyone knows exactly who he is. The only way this gets better is if the police work with FaceBook and use a biometric algorithm to scan photos and find those that fit his same facial features.... I am sure this criminal mastermind meets ego maniac is tagged in a couple of albums. It is safe to say he is flexing in one of his FB photos...

What do you get when you mix knives, booze, cops and burglars concerned with Vanity - well mix with a whisk in an oven safe bowel, pre-heat the oven to 425 and bake for 20 to 25 minutes. You will get a beautiful and rare turtle that some will think is God him/her self... The wonderful people of Bhubaneswar, India have themselves a rare turtle - well that is what herpetologists (you have the job of studying turtles and the name of your profession is has herpes in it - named after a sore you get on your pepe) are telling them. They think they have God in turtle form. Next to butterfly and human - God's third favorite option when hanging out on planet earth, turtle - his fourth is lama, the big man/woman loves to spit. Here is what you need to know as rules and how they apply to "God" - 1. If a guy wearing glasses says he is God, he is not. God does not need glasses - think about it. 2. If a guy says he is God and asks you if he can sleep with your wife and daughter - he is not God. 3. If a guy says he is God and then asks you to kill yourself, then he is not God. God has a track record of taking what he/she wants without asking. 4. If it takes you smoking Panama Red to get your God, errr turtle to talk with you about the future and the worlds beyond then the turtle is not God....

There you have it - the news, rewashed..

Getting ready for the weekend...

Before we jump into the shenanigans that make up my blog lets take a moment to remember all of the great people that have and that are serving in the armed forces. Say a pray for those serving. Say a pray for those that have served. Say a prayer for those recovering. Say a prayer for the families of service men/women and veterans.

Okay, wipe your eyes - stop patting yourself on the back and lets start planning your weekend. Now I know you are thinking I am going to share with you how you can find that special someone at 10am, 2pm and 8pm at your local water hole... Not today party people. Time to give your liver a break and let your imagination run wild! My first ever movie - and if you like, not my last Wednesday movie beat! Don't trip I have not seen any of these movies... I don't have time to go to the movies and when push comes to shove my money is better spent on beer... But you, you need to give your liver a break and go see the movies. If you must, sneak in a shot or two of rum for your coke - and then comes the smile!

Movie number 1: 2012

The first ever blockbuster funned education film. This movie has all the excitement of shark week with all of the special effects that you would find in the TV hit Fantasy Island - yes the, "de plane boss" is a midget - special effects are not that special. 2012 is a historical look at the first pyramid and virgin killing economic bubble. One man took on the job of making people's calendar - that was the first mistake, you never give just one person a job. That one man sold his calendar services, increasing his rate in the exploding Mayan economy. The Mayan people paid for a while but hey had to stop paying... The exact day they stopped paying - 12/12/2012... Why did they stop paying? Economic crisis. There was a pyramid bubble - they invested in too many pyramids and virgin sacrifices... Their economic bubble burst and that burst led to the cut backs - the first cut back was calendars...

I give 2012 3 out 5 stars....

Number 2: Fantastic Mr. Fox

This is a turn you on your head kind of movie. George Clooney is the ugly dorky guy and Billy Murray is the handsome stud that can't go 2 blocks without getting laid. Mr. Fox (Bill Murray) is a modern day gigolo going from town to town but this gigolo has a dark secret - he is impotent! That is right in the black comedy Bill Murray is playing pool with a garden hose. So how does Clooney fit in???? The ugly but well hung Clooney plays Murray's cock double. The real twist comes when a woman from Two Dot, MT falls in love with Murray's looks and Clooney's - well you know.... She accepts them both and like a dyslexic mormon she marries both. Clooney stays locked in the bedroom like hidden porn under your 13 year old mattress and Murray skips around town free and in love.

I give this movie 6 our of 13 stars

Number 3: The Messenger

Staring Ben Foster, from Yuma 3:10 obscurity, stars as a 1920's tap instructor that works on the side as a singing telegramer. Foster gained 65lbs to get the starting role. Foster said it was hard to learn how tap dance and gain weight but having ice cream and cheese cake with every meal put the pounds on.... Per the movie - Foster is tone deaf and can't hold a beat to save his life - I saw this in the preview. The producers went over the top in a bad way by making it a black and white talky - Chaplin style, minus the talent...

I give this move 2 our 33 stars....

Happy Hump Day!

First dates to relationships....

Yesterday I took the time to help you through your first date jitters. Today I am here to help you go from the first date to landing that special someone you can and will fart in front of.... Stop blaming the dog ladies...

Read, study, print and follow like map quest directions to your Match.com date...

Number 1: Can you hear me now?

Date one is done and in the bag - you have covered religion, sex and your ex. You have the digits and you want to see that special someone again... So how do you land them? Easy my friends - the drunk dial. Go get super boozy with your friends and at 2am shoot a text (that makes no sense because the keys are so small and your fingers are so big when you get drunk) and follow that text up with a phone call. Nothing cements a relationship like a drunk dial. Think about it - that special person gets to know if you are a happy, sad or a mean drunk. They also get to know if you drink and drive. And they get the bonus of booze honesty - they quiz you and your verbal diarrhea takes over...

Number 2: No I love you more...

If you want to keep that special someone around then you have to profess your love. Date 2 is the perfect time to say, "I love you." Don't let the love haters out there tell you that saying I love you on date 2 is going to fast... You are special, you can feel and understand love in hours - for many it takes months, if not years... Feel sorry for those people - keep your heart open and your liver working overtime. You can only feel true love if when you get drunk and let your defenses down...

Number 3: I just called to say....

You sound best when you leave a long and awkward message for your special someone... A message that goes like this: "Hey you, how are you? I am just in the car driving to my dentist and... Hey what the F*#%K - learn how to drive you old bag! I hope you die soon - you and that parrot on your shoulder. Who gave you a license to drive? Sorry, btw - have you ever seen the 80's classic license to drive? How about this Friday I go to Blockbuster and rent that gem for us - we can cuddle up, pop up some fresh Indiana corn and...... What the hell man? Crazy homeless person - Allah, I hate homeless people. They need to die. Wonder if anyone would notice if I ran a homeless person over? They are homeless and they smell so bad some may think they are just sleeping and are not dead... It is a thought." Then comes your calling card... If you are happy with your message please hang up, press 1 to mark urgent, press 2 to re-record. You press 1 and know that she loves you and you love her. PS - the reason she will not call you back? License to Drive - come on man, really? If you are going classic driving movie you have to rock Smokey and Bandit or Cannon Ball Run... Dumb ass...

Number 4: www.....

The information super highway brought you together. The information super highway will bring you closer. FaceBook - Twitter - Google searches - Myspace - YouTube... These social networking sites are also the foundation of how you will share and express your love while the two of you are apart. Your tweets will go from - "gotta poop again, 4th time today and it is only 11am" to "5am, waking up and still in love - smiles for miles." Your FaceBook status will go from - "Monday's blow" to "Got blow again on a Monday!" You will go from lip sinking Hootie and The Blowfish songs on YouTube to singing Michael Bolton songs to your special someone. Your Myspace account will change - your clips from Dateline's To Catch A Predator to clips from the hidden camera you put up in her bathroom (keep it classy and blur out her cheese). Don't forget to google your special someone so you can see everything have done and pictures they wish they had never taken...

Three tips to keeping and maintaining a last relationship... Happy Tuesday party people...

I am back...

First dates are the best but some people get a bit nervous when it comes to dating and they get really nervous on first dates... So I am here to help you nervous Nelly's navigate the first date waters with ease... Today I will be giving you some points on what to talk about on your first date... Use these talking points and I can promise that your first date will be..... Well it will be....

1: What you have experienced....

Everyone knows that a first date is not only a free dinner (for the ladies) but also your first of many therapy sessions. We all know that sharing about your ex is a winning idea but what the experts won't tell you is that you should also share about your recent dating history... I recommend that during dinner you share about your date the night before - the good, the bad, the ugly and the sex... Your date has the right to know if they are on the road to a good date or a bad date and that no matter how the date goes that you will put out...

2. Dear baby Jesus....

Who you pray to and why is a must for first date conversation... In fact I recommend that over dinner you drop the "grace" bomb and pray over your food. You need to know if the person you are with is on the Tom Cruise Scientology train or if at some point they want you to move to South America and drink some KoolAid or rock a purple smock and black Nikes before you go to bed. This is information you need on date 1 not date 3 or 5 when find yourself at a rally praising the darkness, tell the sun to F-off and nailing the local doctor to a cross for highlighting the benefits of 60 year old men getting a boner or 2...

3. Sex....

Like my girls Salt-n-Peppa, "let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me..." If I am picking a date up I will have this song ready to play when the lucky young lady gets in the car - set the stage and keep it classy... If you can't talk about sex on a first date then what can you talk about it? Jump the big hurdles early and then the talk about less important things like kids, lifestyle, debt - money management, family and relationship expectations will be like water under the bridge.... You won't even need to talk about them - you will be to busy talking about and having sex... Thank me after you catch your breath...

Keeping dating conversations and dating dreams alive.... Much love party people and happy Monday...

Twinkle, twinkle little star who shall love me at this bar?

I was going to do a blog on how a woman took my relationship blogs to heart and then got hurt. Then I remembered my cardinal rule - I don't blog about my life or how my blogs impact others...

So instead lets just pass out some more advice...

With a fever of 101 and cloud covered skies I can still see the stars... Or I am just seeing stars... No matter, time to read them...

Aries: Go to Condom Revolution and buy some edible body paints. Then go to BevMo for the 5cent sale and get some wine. Stop at Illuminations for some candles. Now it is time to party. As a side note - the edible body paint and the box wine you get at BevMo will make war not love in your tummy and you will barf on your lover - but up until that moment, you my friend are making magic!

Taurus: Just like the song from Bad Company - Feel Like Make'n Love. That is the only feeling you are going to have this week. Keep it fun and sing, Hooked On A Feel'n.

Gemini: There is a reason you go to the gym, wax and get rid of that furry creature above your lip (at least we all know you are on the pill) - you want to look good. And to be honest, he only likes you for your hot body... Not your mind... So one more mile and one more set of sit ups..

Cancer: It is getting hot... The lines are getting wavy and the stars are getting brighter... Oh Cancer you are in so much trouble. You believe in love at first sight. You will find lust at first sight. Sadly your lust will come and go and yes the pun was intended...

Leo: It has been awhile for you and by a while I mean a really long time.. Stop treating your body like a lust filled jungle gym and get out there. It is time you stopped you playing the role of a horny monkey in the tree and started getting out there - talking with the opposite sex...

Virgo: Life is good... Life is really good. Keep on keeping on my friends..

Libra: The colors change in the fall but that does not mean that your colors need to change. Ditch the colored contacts and go back to the days when the drapes matched the carpet... That does give you the green light to invest in shag carpet...

Scorpio: The drugs are not working... My head is on fire... Oddly enough after your one night stand this weekend you will pee fire. Sorry, taking penicillin early will not help..

Sagittarius: Don't get lost in the waves of adoration... Don't get lost in the cheers, err rings from the calls of the opposite sex wanting you... I write this but you will... And while your chest fills up with pride and your heart swells a scorned lover will sneak up behind you and cut so fast and hard you will not even hear your brass balls hit the floor...

Capricorn: Your orgasm is not a Rubik's cube so stop treating it like one and stop requesting that each of your lovers be the perfect mix of Steven Hawkings and Brad Pitt....

Aquarius: Invest in a Snuggie... Your love life plays the seasons... Summer was hot and so where you... Winter will be cold and so will your bed...

Pisces: If you want someone to open the present in your pants this winter then start channeling Howard Hughes... Stay up in a hotel room, alone, unshaven and jars of piss surrounding you.. But just in your mind... Don't really do this unless you are worth billions and you can afford to bring in top rate talent that will look past your oddities for a couple grand...

Little schooling - high pay...

My dear friends at Yahoo! Finance came up with a list of 10 high paying jobs that take little to no schooling. Today we are going to take a look at some of the jobs, the pay, the responsibility and then do some simple math to see if the little to no schooling is justified...

Job: Air traffic controller

Pay: 100k

Schooling: 2 years - on the job training

Responsibility: Watching blinking dots on a radar screen - i.e. those blinking dots are you and your friends. Air traffic controllers make sure you take off and land safely. The average air traffic controller navigates 1000's of a lives day.

The math: I would think that we, the consumer and passenger, would want a person who can handle more than 2 years of schooling before I turn my life over to them. You need more schooling to volunteer... You need more schooling to teach snotty little nose picking butt scratchers... But when the lives of 100's at a time, 1000's during a work day are at hand - 2 years of schooling - sure, how much schooling does one need when human lives are stake? BTW - my vote is 10 years...

Job: Detective

Pay: 70k

Schooling: Passing in house tests and exams

Responsibility: Carry guns, have a badge, solve crimes....

The math: First off, anyone that gets to carry a gun and determine my guilt or innocence needs at least 10 years of schooling and then another 5 years of couch time with the psychologist. After that, then we can give them a gun, a badge and a pay raise. Officers have a dangerous job and they deserve to be paid like doctors. That written, they need to have the same training as doctors...

Job: Sheriff Patrol Officer

Pay: 55k

Schooling: Needed to complete high school

Responsibility: Carry a gun, a badge, get a cool car with lights, sounds and more guns...

The math: We all went to high school. Nothing in high school education prepares you to carry a gun, shoot someone, arrest someone or deal with the power of being a law enforcement officer. I would not give a high school educated person the power to write parking tickets, let alone give them a gun, a badge and a top of the line super car with more guns...

Job: Occupational Therapist Assistant

Pay: 40k

School: Degree or Certificate

Responsibility: Help injured people recover from or compensate for loss of motor skills.

The math: This should be your worst nightmare - you break your back and you go to Taz the hippie from Santa Cruz who is going to heal your back, your soul and your inner child. Don't worry Taz has a certificate from IHOP (International House of Physicalness). The only thing Taz should be doing is writing me a medical marijuana prescription... He should never be touching me, no matter what that piece of paper on the side of his van says...

Happy Tuesday my friends...

Words of wisdom...

The news is rich with information this morning - 6ft tall orange bunny rabbits getting hit by cabs; transvestites robbing people; Egyptian women saying no to the bee keeper outfits... And on and on... But after Saturday, this is all I have to write.. Enjoy. T-shirts will be available shortly...

In response to the old adage, "Why would a man buy the cow if he can get the milk for free."

"Why by the pig when all you want is a little bit of sausage."

AND I AM OUT!