I am back...

First dates are the best but some people get a bit nervous when it comes to dating and they get really nervous on first dates... So I am here to help you nervous Nelly's navigate the first date waters with ease... Today I will be giving you some points on what to talk about on your first date... Use these talking points and I can promise that your first date will be..... Well it will be....

1: What you have experienced....

Everyone knows that a first date is not only a free dinner (for the ladies) but also your first of many therapy sessions. We all know that sharing about your ex is a winning idea but what the experts won't tell you is that you should also share about your recent dating history... I recommend that during dinner you share about your date the night before - the good, the bad, the ugly and the sex... Your date has the right to know if they are on the road to a good date or a bad date and that no matter how the date goes that you will put out...

2. Dear baby Jesus....

Who you pray to and why is a must for first date conversation... In fact I recommend that over dinner you drop the "grace" bomb and pray over your food. You need to know if the person you are with is on the Tom Cruise Scientology train or if at some point they want you to move to South America and drink some KoolAid or rock a purple smock and black Nikes before you go to bed. This is information you need on date 1 not date 3 or 5 when find yourself at a rally praising the darkness, tell the sun to F-off and nailing the local doctor to a cross for highlighting the benefits of 60 year old men getting a boner or 2...

3. Sex....

Like my girls Salt-n-Peppa, "let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me..." If I am picking a date up I will have this song ready to play when the lucky young lady gets in the car - set the stage and keep it classy... If you can't talk about sex on a first date then what can you talk about it? Jump the big hurdles early and then the talk about less important things like kids, lifestyle, debt - money management, family and relationship expectations will be like water under the bridge.... You won't even need to talk about them - you will be to busy talking about and having sex... Thank me after you catch your breath...

Keeping dating conversations and dating dreams alive.... Much love party people and happy Monday...

Twinkle, twinkle little star who shall love me at this bar?

I was going to do a blog on how a woman took my relationship blogs to heart and then got hurt. Then I remembered my cardinal rule - I don't blog about my life or how my blogs impact others...

So instead lets just pass out some more advice...

With a fever of 101 and cloud covered skies I can still see the stars... Or I am just seeing stars... No matter, time to read them...

Aries: Go to Condom Revolution and buy some edible body paints. Then go to BevMo for the 5cent sale and get some wine. Stop at Illuminations for some candles. Now it is time to party. As a side note - the edible body paint and the box wine you get at BevMo will make war not love in your tummy and you will barf on your lover - but up until that moment, you my friend are making magic!

Taurus: Just like the song from Bad Company - Feel Like Make'n Love. That is the only feeling you are going to have this week. Keep it fun and sing, Hooked On A Feel'n.

Gemini: There is a reason you go to the gym, wax and get rid of that furry creature above your lip (at least we all know you are on the pill) - you want to look good. And to be honest, he only likes you for your hot body... Not your mind... So one more mile and one more set of sit ups..

Cancer: It is getting hot... The lines are getting wavy and the stars are getting brighter... Oh Cancer you are in so much trouble. You believe in love at first sight. You will find lust at first sight. Sadly your lust will come and go and yes the pun was intended...

Leo: It has been awhile for you and by a while I mean a really long time.. Stop treating your body like a lust filled jungle gym and get out there. It is time you stopped you playing the role of a horny monkey in the tree and started getting out there - talking with the opposite sex...

Virgo: Life is good... Life is really good. Keep on keeping on my friends..

Libra: The colors change in the fall but that does not mean that your colors need to change. Ditch the colored contacts and go back to the days when the drapes matched the carpet... That does give you the green light to invest in shag carpet...

Scorpio: The drugs are not working... My head is on fire... Oddly enough after your one night stand this weekend you will pee fire. Sorry, taking penicillin early will not help..

Sagittarius: Don't get lost in the waves of adoration... Don't get lost in the cheers, err rings from the calls of the opposite sex wanting you... I write this but you will... And while your chest fills up with pride and your heart swells a scorned lover will sneak up behind you and cut so fast and hard you will not even hear your brass balls hit the floor...

Capricorn: Your orgasm is not a Rubik's cube so stop treating it like one and stop requesting that each of your lovers be the perfect mix of Steven Hawkings and Brad Pitt....

Aquarius: Invest in a Snuggie... Your love life plays the seasons... Summer was hot and so where you... Winter will be cold and so will your bed...

Pisces: If you want someone to open the present in your pants this winter then start channeling Howard Hughes... Stay up in a hotel room, alone, unshaven and jars of piss surrounding you.. But just in your mind... Don't really do this unless you are worth billions and you can afford to bring in top rate talent that will look past your oddities for a couple grand...

Little schooling - high pay...

My dear friends at Yahoo! Finance came up with a list of 10 high paying jobs that take little to no schooling. Today we are going to take a look at some of the jobs, the pay, the responsibility and then do some simple math to see if the little to no schooling is justified...

Job: Air traffic controller

Pay: 100k

Schooling: 2 years - on the job training

Responsibility: Watching blinking dots on a radar screen - i.e. those blinking dots are you and your friends. Air traffic controllers make sure you take off and land safely. The average air traffic controller navigates 1000's of a lives day.

The math: I would think that we, the consumer and passenger, would want a person who can handle more than 2 years of schooling before I turn my life over to them. You need more schooling to volunteer... You need more schooling to teach snotty little nose picking butt scratchers... But when the lives of 100's at a time, 1000's during a work day are at hand - 2 years of schooling - sure, how much schooling does one need when human lives are stake? BTW - my vote is 10 years...

Job: Detective

Pay: 70k

Schooling: Passing in house tests and exams

Responsibility: Carry guns, have a badge, solve crimes....

The math: First off, anyone that gets to carry a gun and determine my guilt or innocence needs at least 10 years of schooling and then another 5 years of couch time with the psychologist. After that, then we can give them a gun, a badge and a pay raise. Officers have a dangerous job and they deserve to be paid like doctors. That written, they need to have the same training as doctors...

Job: Sheriff Patrol Officer

Pay: 55k

Schooling: Needed to complete high school

Responsibility: Carry a gun, a badge, get a cool car with lights, sounds and more guns...

The math: We all went to high school. Nothing in high school education prepares you to carry a gun, shoot someone, arrest someone or deal with the power of being a law enforcement officer. I would not give a high school educated person the power to write parking tickets, let alone give them a gun, a badge and a top of the line super car with more guns...

Job: Occupational Therapist Assistant

Pay: 40k

School: Degree or Certificate

Responsibility: Help injured people recover from or compensate for loss of motor skills.

The math: This should be your worst nightmare - you break your back and you go to Taz the hippie from Santa Cruz who is going to heal your back, your soul and your inner child. Don't worry Taz has a certificate from IHOP (International House of Physicalness). The only thing Taz should be doing is writing me a medical marijuana prescription... He should never be touching me, no matter what that piece of paper on the side of his van says...

Happy Tuesday my friends...

Words of wisdom...

The news is rich with information this morning - 6ft tall orange bunny rabbits getting hit by cabs; transvestites robbing people; Egyptian women saying no to the bee keeper outfits... And on and on... But after Saturday, this is all I have to write.. Enjoy. T-shirts will be available shortly...

In response to the old adage, "Why would a man buy the cow if he can get the milk for free."

"Why by the pig when all you want is a little bit of sausage."

AND I AM OUT!

So right they are wrong...

Pew Research Center took on the task of finding out what people thought of Fox News. Oddly enough 47% thought that Fox, and lets use the term loosely - News, called them mostly conservative. Then the weird came out. 14% thought Fox News was.... wait for it... "mostly liberal." 14% of the people polled thought that Fox News - the commentators called our president a racist and compared him to Hitler, was liberal. The same 14% thought Sarah Palin was a hippie; thought Dick Cheney was a bad shot; thought the Old Testament was a light hearted kids books full of cute stories; and thought McCarthy was way to soft on Hollywood and those commies!

After reading this two things need to happen:

1. Someone needs to invent a murder button. Like the Staples button, "that was easy." I can push it and, Murder Button, "they are dead."

2. Like a driving test, people need to take a test before having kids. You can't just be humping away until your cousin pops out a kid...

In other news:

ABC News in Washington DC is taking an up close and unobscured look at women giving themselves home breast exams. This will be the first time in the history of news that the largest viewing demographics will be 14 year old boys and 45 year old virgins... Boobies!

Our friends in Indonesia are just saying no to camel toe. For all of you spandex wearing ladies out there, cancel your trip to Indonesia. Starting the first of Nov. it will be against the law for women to wear "tight" pants. By tight they mean everything from skinny jeans to clothe to tight you can tell what religion a girl is...

There is a new way to cheat death and get paid and it comes from our friends in Russia. Stop light roulette. Drivers get paid to up to 7k to go for a series of miles running red lights and stop signs, if they finish the task accident free they can win big. Oh those crazy Russian taxi drivers - they will do anything for a tip.

Happy Friday kids... Make it a great weekend...

Prison Justice...

Some things are so amazing you just can't make them up and to be honest you would not even think about making them up... Unicorn monkeys - thought of it! Zero calorie beer - please, that is years old. Tom Cruise as a straight guy - ladies wish upon a lucky star... So what then? Read on party people, read on...

Earlier this week a Los Angeles couple attacked and tortured their loan modification agent. That is not the interesting news... The kicker is that the couple beat up their loan modification agent with wooden knuckles! Not brass knuckles, wooden knuckles. In these economic trying times they took apart their banister and whittled themselves some wooden knuckles.

I wondered, did the wooden knuckles have a nice varnish or perhaps the wooden knuckles had a rough cut giving deep bruises and slivers. That is insult to injury - a busted up face and the embarrassment of slivers, slivers that if you have super delicate skin could lead to scares making you a hit one day out of the year - you guessed it, Halloween (yes I can and will keep it seasonal).

Comparing the wood to brass I have to think that wood wins out as not only the cheaper alternative but also the greater inflictor of pain. Brass is smooth, polished and shiny. Wood is thick, dark, rough and has the ability to slowly peel apart and lodge into your victims skin. As a bonus, if you are a green bully you can recycle your homemade wooden knuckles - can't do that with brass knuckles.

Just had a flash of wisdom. Father son bully teams can make wooden knuckles together in the garage. Wooden knuckles can tear faces apart and bring lost and violent families together. The family that carves and fights together, stays together...

IN other exciting news:

1. A new defense is being used in a murder case... The jiggle and giggle, I am too fat to kill defense. A man from Hackensack, NJ says that there is no way he could kill his former son-in-law because he is just too fat. Oddly enough, he is not too fat to be on the Biggest Looser. If he wins this case will there be a body mass index for murders? Two pounds lighter and I would be guilty.... Ben and Jerry saved my fat ass murdering life....

2. There is nothing magic about your magic marker, accept for the word magic in the name. Two boys in Carroll, Iowa found this out the hard way. They colored their faces with black magic marker ink and then robbed a couple of homes. The police busted them... Shocker I know... After all they paid the 10 cents extra and used the magic marker - making one have to believe that it comes with magic ink. If the cap was magic what would be the point?

3. The rule has changed from what would Jesus do to this is what Jesus told me to do and that makes decision making so much easier... Earlier this week in Lexington, KY a man was arrested for stealing a car - Dodge Charger. His defense has nothing to do with his size, that can only be used with murders (yes we are close to the end of the blog, hence the wrap up). He told the cops that Jesus talked him into stealing the car. So have we evolved to WWJS (what would Jesus steal)? FYI - Jesus would have you steal a donkey. Sure the get away power is not there but, Jesus would want you to steal the exact same ride that he had. Besides, donkeys as a form of transportation never go out of style and unlike lamas and camels, donkeys don't spit!

Happy Thursday...

Halloween and the stars...

I spent the night looking into the stars and my friends this is what I have found for you...

Aries: Let's start with your outfit.. Sure it will get you laid but when you wake up you will want to chew your arm off... So be prepared for a whorish, drunken night of forgettable and bad sex... The stars don't lie and neither do you legs that have never crossed.

Taurus: I know with the outfit you picked I should be saying, "oh you little devil." But you will be bull giving the horns. Who will mess with you? Look for the handsome man drinking ice cold vodka gimlets.

Gemini: So sorry but you suck. You pulled the short straw and that means that you and your earth hating SUV will be driving around all night long with your drunk candy corn smelling friends as they plow through Taco Bell and then end up puking in the back of your ride... Have a great night. And the mom costume you will be rocking, so money...

Cancer: You will have a hard time picking out the right costume. First you will want to be the balloon boy - then you will want to be OctoMom - then swine flu.... Don't settle and don't be a contemporary news piece.... Be something cool like a bumble bee or a flower...

Leo: As yourself this question.. Do you like being blind drunk and making an ass of yourself? I know you do.... And so do the stars... Get ready for a booze fueled night where you will moon the bartender, flash the taxi driver and have your barf fly through your nose.... Eat light that night..

Virgo: Just like every night of your life it will be amazing... Nice work... PS, I am a Virgo...

Libra: This is your Halloween of DEATH! If you want to make it a great Halloween than I recommend you dressing up as a recently departed celebrity... Just remember that with costume comes the responsibility to also act out that persons death...

Scorpio: This is your day to show off your dark side... Dress in black. Dress in leather. Dress in latex. Dress in something that is dark, sexy and a lot like cat woman - and don't be picky. Go early 90's Cat Woman or early 60's... Either way, just go..

BTW: totally forgot there was going to be 12 of these... The stars are getting fuzzy...

Capricorn: I just gave you a disclaimer and now I am going to use it. The name is a softball pitch and I am taking it... Dress up as candy corn, eat candy corn and only take candy corn shots....

Aquarius: Hey you horny sea horse... Tonight is your night to get the hot tub and - just a like a sea horse, grow... Your sea horse gig will have you doing the headless horseman walk of shame during the dawning of the age of aquarius.... Come on I had to..

Pisces: Let's be honest for the past 8 years you have dressed like a whore so don't wreck a good thing, just add to it. Add how? I recommend one game and one game only - you get on your knees and show of your skills by bobbing for apples.

The stars don't lie and neither do my booze filled eyes... Happy Halloween kids...

He says no more...

Paul Haggis, the director of Crash has decided to sever his ties with Scientology. Why you ask?First, let's go over the why nots...

Number 1: The idea that 75 million years ago, there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu who was in charge of 76 planets in our sector of the galaxy, including planet Earth, whose name at that time was Teegeeack. This idea did not make him sever ties with the modern religion..

Number 2: The idea that each individual person (called a "thetan") is considered to be a "thought unit" of the spiritual universe which interacts with the physical universe (MEST), usually by inhabiting a human body. That did not have him running for the doors..

Number 3: The idea that "levels" through which a participant progresses make up what is called "The Bridge to Total Freedom." Progress through all the levels of the "Bridge" often takes many years of dedicated study and practice, and the cost in fees for services for the Bridge is currently estimated at approximately $300,000 - $500,000 in US dollars. That dollar figure and belief did not have our friend shaking his head.. Oh no...

Number 4: The thought that in 1970 Hubbard blamed the Holocaust on psychiatry. Nope.com that did not have Haggis saying not for me and my big brain...

So what had Haggis saying no more to Scientology? They will not support gay relationships... "I could not, in good conscience, be a member of an organization where gay-bashing was tolerated," Haggis wrote.

I am with Haggis... You should not be part of an organization that tolerates gay-bashing. That written, I am disappointed that my he let 4 crucial things slide - hundreds of thousands of dollars being paid to get to cross a bridge, Holocaust bashing, alien rulers and of course Thetans..... I am all for a guy having principles but common sense seems that it would be a good second when looking into joining and being a part of organizations...

I am going to put on my purple snuggie and some black nikes... I am late for a meeting...

Easy button - yeah we got that

News and sex in public - that is what we have going in todays blog..

News: Wyoming man copies big to get dance...

Our friends at the Wyoming Tribune Eagle recently reported that a local man hired a dancer from Cheyenne's Green Door Lounge. The pole pro picked him up at his home by taxi and went with him to the Lariat Motel so that she could - uh, dance for him... The kicker, the guy paid her with photo copied 50 dollar bills... Yeah, the guy went to his local Kinkos, photo copied 2k in 50's and then used scissors from his home to cut the bills. He went cheap on the paper and he did a bad job cutting... He did such a bad job that the dancers driver/protection noticed the bills where fake.

I like his style but that written if you are going to go through the effort of creating "fake" money so that you can a private lap dance in a hotel room then go all the way big guy. Get the right kind of paper and don't use your kids "Hello Kitty" pink scissors that don't even fit your fingers to cut the money up...

For those of you thinking of pulling this stunt... Think about this - the man charged with making the fake money to get his lap and genitals all rub up on by a woman that is wearing too much glitter, smelling like coco butter and answer to the name Misty Mountains, faces up to 20 years in prison if convicted on federal counterfeiting charges, the newspaper reports. His lawyer declined any immediate comment.

From paying for sex to public sex lets talk about how you can get busy in the Burger King bathroom... Ladies we are not having sex with you in these place, okay we are but we are not happy about it..

1. Big old jet had a light on...

Nothing screams sex like being a mile high in the air with blue toilet bowl water, cramped spaces, a bi-fold door, odd smells, weird stains and no flowing water... Ladies, it may take some work to get us guys all up for some sex a mile high in the air and don't expect us to have an orgasm but we will do our best to appease your sexual appetite..

2. Go green but don't go all the way...

Ladies we love it that you are hot, sexy and have great legs. But ladies we hate it that you bought a two seater green machine that gets 900 MPG. Just cause your got your MPG does not mean you are getting are speed shifter... Wink, wink... As much as we love small things making our things look bigger - we don't like having sex in small places like your Yugo.. So come have sex with us in our earth hating Yukon.. You can even park your little car in the trunk...

3. Church...

Cathedrals are a great place for younger men to meet older men... If it was older women looking for younger men we would call it cougar hunting... When it is older men in weird outfits looking for younger men the term is priests no matter what collar they are rocking and unlike cougars hunting, this kind of Dateline on NBC To Catch a Predator is - Depech Mode with me, WRONG... So with that kind of baggage and the memories of turning priests down, ladies just know that we are going to need to be buttered up and you may need to dress like a nun if you want some action from us in the "upper room."

4. The beach...

I know, I know - seeing our bodies in a tight small speedo is hot. As our pale skin burns and our back hair dances in the wind all you can think about is getting our speedo to get out your friend... But ladies understand at the beach sand gets everywhere.. You hate it when we pick our butts in public but we are picking because you made us have sex at the beach and the sand got all up in our cracks...

From lap dances to places you ladies make us have sex... Today we have learned a lot.. Print, highlight and take it easy on us ladies...

H1N1....

First and foremost, I know a couple of people that have the swine flu. So for those that have it - get better, be safe and take care of yourself.. Our thoughts and prayers are with you..

After watching 60 minutes last night and reading 15 plus stories about the swine flu I thought I would dig a little deeper and look into the swine flu vaccine. At first glance the PR blitz by the CDC has only told what people should and what people should not get the swine flu vaccine. The rest of the information out there is a bit out there...

Here is the skinny most of the experts on the net are stating that if you get the H1N1 vaccine an angel will die, kittens will claw their own eyes out, smurfs will commit suicide and teletubies will come out the closet - and you, not only will you cause all of this but you will be injecting yourself with several ingredients that by themselves the CDC says you should not put in your body...

I did not want to get caught up in the hype so I thought I would go to the source - so I called the CDC information center looking for information; specifically the ingredients that make up H1N1. I did not want the ingredients and measurements - it is not like I was trying to make moonshine H1N1. But I did want to know what they where recommending that I and the kids around me inject into our bodies... The answer may shock you. There was no answer. The CDC does not know what is in the H1N1 vaccine. This is no joke. I spent 25 minutes on the phone - mostly on hold and then had a conversation with a nice young lady (well she sounded nice). She was honest with me and stated that www.cdc.gov does not have the answers and neither does her office. She could tell me how what was in the flue vaccine but not H1N1. She could tell me how to determine if I had the swine flu and she told me that I should take the H1N1 but she could not tell me what was in the vaccine that she was encouraging me to take... So I made a deal with her. I would mix something up based on what I have at home put it in a cup and tell her that it will make her happy - if she drinks it up then I will take the H1N1... She would not take me up on the deal. But still said that I should get the shot...

So what is in H1N1? We only know a couple of the ingredients and those ingredients are not good.

Bad ingredient number 1: Mercury

Mercury has a number of effects on humans that can be simplified into the following effects:

• disruption of the nervous system
• damage to brain functions
• allergic reactions, resulting in skin rashes, tiredness and headaches
• negative reproductive effects such as sperm damage, birth defects and miscarriages

Damages brain functions can cause degradation of learning abilities, personality changes, tremors, vision changes (for the worse not better spider man), deafness (only good if you don't want to listen to your wife/gf nag you anymore), muscle incoordination and memory loss (great if you want to see her/him for the first time, every time).

Bad ingredient number 2: cancer cells from animals

From everything that I can find, every effort made by modern medicine has been to patients of cancer - not put cancer in patients. The experts say, that we don't know the full effects of injecting animal cancers into people.

Bad ingredient number 3: MF59

Interesting fact 1 - MF59 has not been approved by the FDA. Interesting fact number 2 - MF59 Adjuvant do not stimulate antibody responses against Squalene. Interesting fact number 3 - MF59 was an unapproved ingredient in the experimental anthrax vaccines and has since been linked to the devastating autoimmune diseases suffered by countless Gulf War vets. Interesting fact number 4: CDC.gov is saying that kids may need a double dose of the H1N1 vaccine but parents and children safety groups have insisted that nay vaccine to be received by a child must have all its ingredients disclosed and must be free of Thimerosal (mercury - fun side note: thimerosal causing autism has gone from a biological plausible to biological certainty) and the squalene adjuvant (not FDA approved yet)...

So who wants to go get a shot with tomorrow? A shot of tequila that is...

Monday Magic... questions answered....

You have questions about love and and sex. I have answers. So let's get to it party people..

Q: Is it okay to Michael Bolton someone?

A: The reality is that of the two of you doing the no pants dance one of you really likes the other and the other likes the freedom of having sex without paying for your dinner before having sex with you. Now if you get caught in a how can we be lovers if we can't be friends situation and all you want is the friendship with some hot and easy action on the side remind your friend that dating is legal prostitution - that should by you at least one more weekend of naked wrestling before you have to stop playing the role of a inbred southerner banging your really nice cousin and instead go out and actually try and date... Time to put your big kid pants on and face the world.

Q: Sex while your aunt is in town?

A: Like sex with an ugly person (if you have never had sex with an ugly person, than you are the ugly person - sorry but someone had to tell you) you can do it and you can make it fun. The rules are as follows: it has to be really dark; a change of sheets needs to be available; no cuddling after - the finish starts with a shower and neither of you looking below your waist.. If you can follow these instructions then you can have sex when her aunt is in town.

Q: Number 1 - Number 2

A:: It is NEVER okay to pee or poop in front of your lover - especially you ladies who like to sneak in a pee before jumping in the shower with us. First, when dating you ladies help kill the planet by running water while you pee for fear that we will hear your pee hit the water. So why you would go from not letting us hear you pee to peeing in front of us baffles the minds of scholars around the world. And don't get me started on crap. Smells, gas, smells and the face people make when they drop a hot log is just not sexy. But if you must then lets go 80's game show style and lets make a deal... If we can pee in the shower while you are in the shower with us than you can drop either number in front of us... Deal?

Q: Laying out the month...

A: In these busy times we schedule everything from lunch to the gym to time with friends so it makes sense to schedule right? Depeche Mode it with me - WRONG! The best part of sex is having it when you did not plan on having sex... Maybe you are making dinner and realize that the microwave works and your does your libido. So you turn off the burner, put the oven on warm and knock one out... The only schedule both of you should have is an internal schedule that clocks the time between the two of you being intimate with each other - not just sex, but kisses, hugs and most importantly (cause it leads to sex - wink, wink) kissing the person you love in way that lets them know that you still LUST for them....

There you have it 4 questions - 4 answers.... No go and live out Monday like it was a Saturday...

So you wanna go bump in the night...

Halloween is time to dress up, get a bit boozie and if you want land yourself a hot piece of action for the night or for many nights to come... Of course this begs the question, how do you put the moves on the sexy nun that keeps giving you the eye.... Here are 4 sure fire ways to let the ghost, ghoul or witch know that you want to have some fun later...

Number 1: The grab, err I am so scared grope!

This move goes back to first Halloween. The girl pretends to get scared next to you and next thing you know she has jumped into your arms... He big stud the odds are this is not the only time she will fake something with you.. HA! If you like her catch her in your arms and then don't let go big fella cause you just hooked some hotness. And your friends said that glueing peeps to your shirt and calling yourself a chick magnet was a bad idea... Who is laughing now? You are, you chick magnet!

Number 2: Going Cake style...

For the ladies Halloween is an excuse to dress like their favorite porn star... But there is one simple rule... No matter if you are slut witch, the "head" nurse or the Daisy Duke that won't be sleeping with her brother/cousin/uncle - when the hot pig tailed dirty girl scout comes into the room selling her cookies or flashing her cookie... You can't call her a whore... But you can call her a winner and if she plays her cards right the winner of some VD as well..

Number 3: The Snuggie...

This is a pre-Halloween move. Invite the girl over for dinner and movie - make the movie scary and while you are it make your place ice cold. Then offer up a Snuggie and a snuggle... Let her feel safe in your warmly wrapped and free to move Snuggie arms... Let her warmly wrapped and free to move Snuggie arms wrap around you - unless you played your cards wrong or if you moved your hands to freely - then she may be using the freedom of the Snuggie to grab her mace. Look on the bright side, your Halloween costume can be a maced pervert...

Number 4: All Hallows Shots!

From the Scoobie Snack to the Brain to the Freddie Krugar to the Silver Bullet to the Lobotomy - get your booze in line and get your Halloween drink menu on speed dial. If you want to impress that special someone nothing says I like you like a themed shot (that tastes good) that matches the persons special outfit. If you find a red head dressed like a slut witch or dirty girl scout - I recommend the Red Headed Slut... And she is dressed like one! BAM! That just happened...

There you have it, 4 sure fire ways to go bump in the night by the 31st...

This is how bad sex has gotten...

Every women's magazine talks about it how you can make it better and by better they are talking about the big O... Every men's magazine talks about what you can and can't get away with based on how long you have been seeing her... And what are they talking about - Salt N Pepa style, sing it with me - they are talking about sex baby... Women want orgasms and men, well we get them but we just don't want them right away... Some of you have been lucky enough to have great sex, most of you haven't. Now I could quote stats from Cosmo on how many women don't get the O. I could pull up the sex help articles from Maxim on how men should take care of their lady in bed. But the proof, the proof that bad sex is not only among us but part of most peoples lives can be found on the Information Super Highway at a little site called... www.ijustmadelove.com

I have a real problem with this site. Why are you jumping online after a session of the

no pants dance? The site is propagating bad sex. If you have the time and energy and more importantly the desire to jump online after sex then you need to take a seat and review the game film with you special bed buddy...

For those that have not had great sex. After great sex you should be thinking - water, why are my legs shaking, man I need a shower and if I only had the energy I would change these sheets... After those thoughts the next thought that races through your mind should be "when are we doing that again" (Red Bull does more than give you wings) or "well she is knocked out so I guess I will go to sleep to."

People are celebrating this site as a sexual online liberation. Nope.com. 2 couples in Irvine just had sex, but sadly it was bad sex. How do I know. Because after sex they had the energy to get online and post that they just had sex. 3 couples in Anaheim just had sex - once again an online celebration of bad sex.

This would be the perfect site for braggadocios chronic masturbators. Men and women could post how they just took care of business alone or after some bad sex (their partner is posting they just had sex online at www.ijustmadelove.com)... At the end of the day it just an ends to a means and sometimes you just need the O.

As a bonus if the site took off maybe it would remove the scarlet letter M from the chronic masturbators chest as the go online and celebrate their free time, their single life and how they just treated their body like a jungle gym or maybe how they just treated took themselves out for a nice dinner - treating themselves like the sexy bitch that they are... Oh you little devil you.

To recap - www.ijustmadelove.com - bad for sex, bad for couples, bad in general. If the site existed - www.ijustmasturbated.com - great for the lonely lovers, great for cultural acceptance of masturbation and as an added bonus you would get an idea of how many people are masturbating in your local area. The only downside would be that handshakes between strangers and single friends would drop by at least 99%.

Happy Thursday party people...

A look at the news...

It is time to take a look at the news to see who and what is making headlines...

Headline: Oregon man get probation for stabbing ex's fish

The skinny: A Portland man who attacked his ex-girlfriend and impaled her pet fish this summer has been sentenced to two years probation, a psychological evaluation and community service.

The quote: According to court records, Fite quickly admitted killing the fish, telling police: "If she can't have me, then she can't have the fish."

Thoughts: Well after reading the story and his quote I can understand that it was just and fair for this guy to get 2 years probation, a couple of hours laying on a creepy guys couch and a day or two of picking up trash. Besides if the fish killed was a Beta fish, also known as a Siamese Fighting fish. If you have the name fighting in your name you best show up and put up a fight fish lips...

Headline: Marge Simpson makes cover of Playboy

The skinny: "D'oh!" doesn't even start to cover it.Marge Simpson -- the blue beehived matriarch of America's most loved dysfunctional family - is Playboy magazine's November cover, the magazine said on Friday.

The quote: "It had never been done, and we thought it would be kind of hip, cool and unusual," Flanders told the newspaper. He said the magazine hoped to attract readers in their 20s compared to the average Playboy reader's age of 35.

Thoughts: Now we get to find out if the bee hive matches the carpet or if there is any carpet at all - oh Marge...

Headline: Texas man found asleep with corpse inside closet

The skinny: A Houston man found asleep with a corpse inside a closet of a vacant home has been charged with misdemeanor drug offenses, authorities said Monday.

The quote: "There were two guys in the closet. They appeared to be sleeping, one was snoring and the other was deceased,"

Thoughts: If you are going to get a high and take a snooze with a dead body shouldn't you do it in your own home? Did drug addicts not learn anything from Robert Downey JR? You don't fall asleep half stoned out of your mind in a strangers home, vacant home or the your neighbors kids bed... Of course now we can add, don't snuggle up and with a dead body...

Why are you so bad America?

WWJD - I am over it....

I am officially over, in fact I was never on board with the WWJD or as the regular people say, "What Would Jesus Do?"

First, what you are thinking is not what Jesus would do... He would do more. He died on the cross for your sins, He turned water into wine and He fed 5 thousand with a couple of fish, some bread and faith the size of a mustard seed... So whatever you are thinking of doing, know that Jesus would do more...

Second, Jesus would not turn WWJD into a tramp stamp that you have written in some flower font across your lower back... Sure it is cute, but what was it that Jesus did that was cute? And how is using Jesus' name across your lower back, drawing attention to your ass crack something that Jesus is proud of you doing... That written - cute tattoo and nice leopard print thong...

Third, Jesus would not spend 19.95 on a t-shirt asking what he would do or a wristband at 5.95 asking what he would do. Jesus was a carpenter so he would have made his own wristband and t-shirt - he would not have bought them so you have already done something that Jesus would not do... Great start rocking the question what would he would do, yet starting off by doing something he would never do... What is wrong with you?

Fourth, are you qualified to ask the question - What would Jesus do? I don't think so... By looking at you I can see you did not take the time to ask Jesus what he would do before going out in public today... Don't get me wrong the hat you are rocking that has blasted across it - Nice People Swallow is funny but not the hat that Jesus would wear... So to answer your question of "What would Jesus do?" - he would not wear that hat, he would not snub his nose at the stinky homeless guy, he would not spend 4.95 on a cup of java, he would not spend 200 USD on a pair of jeans... I could go on and on...

Maybe we should just try to be good people first before we start asking what Jesus would do... The reality is that we are not good enough to answer the question and follow through with real world actions of what Jesus would do...

So What Would Jesus Do?

Jesus would sell the TBN building and the Vatican and end world hunger... Or he would take 5 fish and some bread and end world hunger -

Jesus would spend less time in fancy church buildings and more time with real people loving them not judging or preaching to them...

Jesus would comfort those in pain - he would not picket them, judge them and call them names..

Jesus would not live the American dream - that dream is not something he was about...

Jesus would not wear blood diamonds or give them as a sign of love to someone...

Jesus would would love, not judge...

Finally, Jesus would not rock a t-shirt or bracelet asking WWJD he would just live the life and let his actions, not his clothes or hip new tag line do the talking...

So more importantly - what are you doing to help heal, help change, help grow, help educate, help love, help care for the world and people around you? Yeah I know - too much to put on a shirt and it would never fit on a bracelet so I guess you will just have to remember it and live it out with your hourly, daily and weekly actions... So yes, you are going to have to do something besides wear a slogan if you want to come to close to answer the question WWJD....