what dressing are you?

In the world of marketing and economics is ranch dressing the ultimate power player? Is there any other product out there that has as much market saturation as ranch dressing? Can a company follow what ranch dressing has done and apply it to their process moving forward?

Let's look at the simple facts:

Market saturation: In the beginning Ranch was a simple dressing that lived in Hidden Valley. There was one kind of ranch dressing and it was one of 4 simple assortments on your table. The other three where thousand island, Italian and Caesar. Out of the 4 ranch and thousand island took the lead as the stand out dressings... Sure Caesar had a salad on most menus but that was it. thousand island took the early lead as Hardy's secret sauce on the burger and the sauce to dip your fries in.... But thousand island's taste never translated past a secret sauce on a burger... Plus you could not add anything to the sauce to make it better...

Ranch became the ultimate player. Ranch dressing crossed food lines. Ranch became a mixer or a stand alone. Got pizza - add ranch dressing, you can't say that about Italian dressing. Got fries - dip the curly or the straight cut in ranch dressing. Got a burger - dip it in some ranch dressing. How about a chicken sandwich or chicken tenders - ranch dressing please. Tomato wedges, cucumbers, carrots - all of them are good taking a dive into some ranch dressing. Chicken burrito - if you are taco bell use ranch dressing as a mixer, just add some avocado and you have the perfect "new" sauce... Jalapeno ranch dressing - had it and it was good.

I don't know of food or food group that ranch dressing has not or does not go with... Sides of ranch are almost more common place than ketchup and are in more places than mustard.

So the question is - what dressing is your business? And what kind of dressing can your business be? In the world of social networks Myspace was thousand island dressing while Facebook became ranch dressing embracing all ages, all demographics and all purposes from marketing to getting connected to staying connected.

Who will come out with the ranch dressing communications/business model. More importantly, do you want to be a ranch dressing business or is your best fit Caesar or Italian dressing? Think of all the players that tried to be ranch dressing when they should have stayed Italian dressing.

You have been warned...

Sometimes you come across "stuff" in life and you just stop dead in your tracks and ask, "really?"

This morning I came in with 2 ideas in my head. Yes, only 2 and nothing else. I wanted to do the Captain Crunch Challenge (thank you very special friend). I was going to put Captain Crunch against supposed healthy cereals like Grape Nuts (I like them but what are they? Nobody knows), Honey Bunches of Oats (makes me feel like a horse looking to get diabetes), Frosted Mini Wheats, Oat Bran, Bran Flakes, etc....

Then I thought - what if I wrote about wacky warning labels:

• A label on a baby stroller warns: “Remove child before folding"
• A new label on Life Savers: "Not to be used a flotation device"
• A brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook on the end warns: “Harmful if swallowed"
• A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: “Caution - Risk of Fire”
• A household iron warns users: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn”
• A new label on cans of Fix A Flat: "Not to be used for breast augmentation"

All good things but the information super highway was calling and for once I was listening.... Yahoo! led me to their lifestyle/living section and I found this gem of an article..

First, let us start with the title of the article that stopped me in my tracks like a truck driver picking up a hitch hiking Megan Fox....

Title: Exactly Why STD's Are So Bad

Really? Awesome. Thank you so much Baby Jesus - this is one of my two prayers answered today... I guess the prayer about winning the Lotto got lost or you just chose for me and thought writing this would bring me more joy than winning millions of dead white people's faces printed on paper... Next time, let's chat before you run off and make a decision.

The article is written by a "doctor" and I use that term very loosely.... As she tells why it is so hard to tell a woman that she has an STD or STI.... The "doctor" goes on, in an effort to make this article fun for the whole STD having community:

But STDs are not all alike - some are permanent and others are temporary (side note, a herpetologist does not study herpes but turtles, hmmmmm).

So nice of the good doctor to let me know that I have a chance to only have a temporary STD or STI... You mean it will go away, super... For a moment I thought my one night stand would lead to a lifetime of regret but 3 shots and 3 months and I am back on the whore scene again! Super duper gang!

The amazing article goes on to talk about the short term and long term consequences of getting an STD...

Some of the short term misery's are and I quote - "put your breakfast down and get your barf bag ready"

Abscesses - when certain STIs make their way up to your tubes and ovaries, they can create a pocket of pus the size of a golf ball or larger, often leading to.... (as much as your man loves to golf, he does not like puss filled STI golf balls - and no it is not okay to give him an STI because he blew of a day of garage sales with you to go golfing... Not okay). Anyways, these abscesses lead to....

Drainage or surgery. It can be a needle passed through the wall of your belly to drain the pus, or actual surgery to remove the mess--either way it's a nightmare (This is something a plumber cannot do - you have to go to the doctor for this one... I just hate the word drainage... I wonder if the mess is like tapioca pudding or mayonnaise?)

The long term consequences and I love them are:

The "talk" with every future partner about your sexual history. First sexual encounters can be awkward enough, without having to talk about the chlamydia in your past (WOW! Just had to drop the chlamydia bomb - maybe one of these days we can do a how to break it you have an STD to your partner talk, I think I can do that).

Why not now - before sex talk and after sex talk:

Before sex:

Scene: Hot n Heavy at a bar...

Unlucky guy: Why don't we leave here and go have some fun at my place. Some wine. More dancing. Maybe something else (then he shoots her the killer wink)

Really unlucky girl: I would love to. Before we go lets do a shot of tequila. Oh and by the way, I have chlamydia. Wipe that look off your face, I am like 35% sure that condoms stop it from transmitting... Good talk, let's go.

After sex:

Scene: Breakfast at the local Denny's

Unlucky guy now with an STD: Great times last night, thanks coming over. Most girls sneak out first thing in the morning. But you stuck around for a great breakfast here at Denny's. Awesome. Get whatever you want baby."

Unlucky STD girl: I want the moons over my hammy... Wink, wink... BTW, I wanted to let you now that my ex gave me herpes and then broke up with me... Sorry I forgot to tell you last night. I hope your not mad at me... So what are you plans tonight? Maybe a movie, dinner and another good time?

I thought that would have been funnier... Oh well I tried. Back to the story...

Medical bills. Because these infections need to get treated, whether or not you've got insurance (In these tough economic times it is super important to talk about the short and long term costs of taking care of your new friend that will be with you for life.... ).

Now I know that mom always told you that sharing was caring and that you should always share with your friends and in general that is true. Share you money, your food, even you gum... Don't share your pink eye, your vaginal itch or any of the sores, pores or puss dripping down your drawers (thanks Salt N Peppa')...

From the desk of Gynotalk (I can't make this stuff up) to my blog to you... My friends and loyal readers...

To start it off: Ed is dead, no word on if his house is for sale...

It is official - Ed McMahon's house is once again in foreclosure.... No, wait.... After a police investigation it has been found that Donald Trump killed Ed McMahon for his home.... No matter how you cut three things ring true -

One: Heaven is now a funnier place. Of course it helps if you believe in heaven and humor and that Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon are both there - sing it with me: "reunited and it feels so good."

Two: Ed McMahon's troubled home is back on the market. Foreclosure - For Sale - Short Sale - we don't know yet but the home is available.

Three: Trump or Trumps hair is behind this in some capacity... When Ed's house was in foreclosure Trump was over aggressive in trying to get Ed's house - so do the math and Trump + death = guilty Trump and a dead homeowner owner...

Question, will Ed get an intro when he enters the gates of Heaven?

In other news: Jon and Kate plus 8, now allowed to date...

Jon and Kate plus 8 has now become - Jon meet Kate at the local McDonalds where the two of you can exchange your parental duties on camera... Kate will bring her boyfriend. Jon will complain about how Kate is a dirty pirate hooker and that having a new man each month hurts and confuses the kids... Kate will complain that Jon does not have a spine and that is what brought on the divorce, then Kate will mutter that Jon needs to get laid - 30 seconds really changes his attitude....

During the kid exchange at the local McDonalds with the cameras rolling and the parents fighting and as Kate put it at the end of their show last night - "The show MUST go one." One, or should I say, eight things, will be forgotten.... Once again the show will be about Jon and Kate and not about the 8... Don't worry the 8 will end up being totally screwed up... Kate will blame Jon, Jon will blame Kate and Dr. Phil - he will blame you, the viewer, who kept the show on the air...

10 years... 8 kids... 1 show... 2 adults.... And 8 ruined lives...

And finally... Where's Sanford?

SC Governor, has been missing... Well not really missing - he just left the state for a post election unwinding... The problem? No one knew about this little adventure except for him... The lieutenant governor couldn't figure out where Gov. Mark Sanford was. Calls from a state senator and close friends rolled to voice mail. Even his wife said she hadn't talked to him for several days.

And there is the kicker - his wife did not even know... Gov. Sanford said he needed to get away without letting anyone know. That is code for, I met a hot young lady and I wanted to get some... I am sorry, I mean he went on a hike and will be back on Wednesday....

To wrap it all up: Ed is dead... Jon and Kate are plus are 8 and now allowed to date.... Gov. Sanford's Cialis prescription ran out so he is heading home...

What is your slogan?

Stay - cations are all the rage these days... Save money and explore your local neighborhood. It is all good and cute but states that survive on vactioners money are freaking out... Vegas is a prime example and to get people to leave their home and spend money Vegas has led the way in commercials highlighting what you can do.... The problem is that the commercials are misleading. Watch any add begging you to come to Vegas - all you see is young hotness and people cashing in their millions in chips.... Come on Vegas, show the guy crying after he has lost his second house payment.... Or show the lady playing keno and getting the added bonus of lung cancer... Or show the 80 year old hooked up to an oxygen tank, while smoking and playing keno...

Time to break down the BS and dish the honesty on states that want your vacation dollars... Don't worry I don't have the time to do all 50 states...

Las Vegas, NV:

What you see: Vegas show girls, the strip all lit up, poker machines going off, people cashing in chips, pool side fun and antics and of course great shows with great seats...

Reality: A guy on the phone screaming at his bank to take the hold off of his ATM card so he can pull out his last 5 dollars... There is one seat left at dollar black jack and this is his chance to double down and win big... The hot streak is coming, why don't they understand that?

New slogan: Lung cancer and poverty await you....

Minnesota:

What you see: A rope swing, kids giggling as they wade in the water, camp fires and smores....

Reality: Bug bites, sun burns, crying kids and if you are lucky a visit from a bear... Your crappy burnt BBQ smells good to them...

New slogan: Land of a thousand lakes and a billion mosquito's.... We guarantee to make you a scratcher...

Mississippi:

What you see: Sun, fun, BBQ's, rides in the swamps to cool locations, history and people waving at you as you walk past them.... A nice southern feel...

Reality: KKK meetings, Deliverance (yes I know it was not filmed there but the same stuff happens there), toothless guys asking you odd questions and feeling you are just not wanted - yankee....

New slogan:Gay's can't get married here but you can marry your hot 16 year old cousin...

Florida:

What you see: White sandy beaches, fast boats, fishing, mojitos and hot latin women.

Reality: Drunk college kids, the worlds worst theme park, hot humid air, hair men in white see through pants and hurricanes...

New slogan: Cocaine, refugees, gator bait and old people.... With a dash of humidity, we like to call it home, you will call it hell....


Alaska:

What they show you: Ice bergs, bears, the cool blue waters of the Pacific, amazing fishing and hunting from helicopters

Reality: A place where the following is okay - Sara Palin is popular, that happened before her hot makeover; teenage pregnancy is the one fun thing to do; bears will eat you; men smelling like fish with a dash of old spice is A - OK; and destroying natural resources for oil is totally acceptable...

New slogan: Hot librarians, men that smell like fish and the closest state to North Korea... Soon to be the nuclear glow state....

Happy Monday.... No cancel your stay-cation and go visit one of the states listes above....