Easy button - yeah we got that

News and sex in public - that is what we have going in todays blog..

News: Wyoming man copies big to get dance...

Our friends at the Wyoming Tribune Eagle recently reported that a local man hired a dancer from Cheyenne's Green Door Lounge. The pole pro picked him up at his home by taxi and went with him to the Lariat Motel so that she could - uh, dance for him... The kicker, the guy paid her with photo copied 50 dollar bills... Yeah, the guy went to his local Kinkos, photo copied 2k in 50's and then used scissors from his home to cut the bills. He went cheap on the paper and he did a bad job cutting... He did such a bad job that the dancers driver/protection noticed the bills where fake.

I like his style but that written if you are going to go through the effort of creating "fake" money so that you can a private lap dance in a hotel room then go all the way big guy. Get the right kind of paper and don't use your kids "Hello Kitty" pink scissors that don't even fit your fingers to cut the money up...

For those of you thinking of pulling this stunt... Think about this - the man charged with making the fake money to get his lap and genitals all rub up on by a woman that is wearing too much glitter, smelling like coco butter and answer to the name Misty Mountains, faces up to 20 years in prison if convicted on federal counterfeiting charges, the newspaper reports. His lawyer declined any immediate comment.

From paying for sex to public sex lets talk about how you can get busy in the Burger King bathroom... Ladies we are not having sex with you in these place, okay we are but we are not happy about it..

1. Big old jet had a light on...

Nothing screams sex like being a mile high in the air with blue toilet bowl water, cramped spaces, a bi-fold door, odd smells, weird stains and no flowing water... Ladies, it may take some work to get us guys all up for some sex a mile high in the air and don't expect us to have an orgasm but we will do our best to appease your sexual appetite..

2. Go green but don't go all the way...

Ladies we love it that you are hot, sexy and have great legs. But ladies we hate it that you bought a two seater green machine that gets 900 MPG. Just cause your got your MPG does not mean you are getting are speed shifter... Wink, wink... As much as we love small things making our things look bigger - we don't like having sex in small places like your Yugo.. So come have sex with us in our earth hating Yukon.. You can even park your little car in the trunk...

3. Church...

Cathedrals are a great place for younger men to meet older men... If it was older women looking for younger men we would call it cougar hunting... When it is older men in weird outfits looking for younger men the term is priests no matter what collar they are rocking and unlike cougars hunting, this kind of Dateline on NBC To Catch a Predator is - Depech Mode with me, WRONG... So with that kind of baggage and the memories of turning priests down, ladies just know that we are going to need to be buttered up and you may need to dress like a nun if you want some action from us in the "upper room."

4. The beach...

I know, I know - seeing our bodies in a tight small speedo is hot. As our pale skin burns and our back hair dances in the wind all you can think about is getting our speedo to get out your friend... But ladies understand at the beach sand gets everywhere.. You hate it when we pick our butts in public but we are picking because you made us have sex at the beach and the sand got all up in our cracks...

From lap dances to places you ladies make us have sex... Today we have learned a lot.. Print, highlight and take it easy on us ladies...

H1N1....

First and foremost, I know a couple of people that have the swine flu. So for those that have it - get better, be safe and take care of yourself.. Our thoughts and prayers are with you..

After watching 60 minutes last night and reading 15 plus stories about the swine flu I thought I would dig a little deeper and look into the swine flu vaccine. At first glance the PR blitz by the CDC has only told what people should and what people should not get the swine flu vaccine. The rest of the information out there is a bit out there...

Here is the skinny most of the experts on the net are stating that if you get the H1N1 vaccine an angel will die, kittens will claw their own eyes out, smurfs will commit suicide and teletubies will come out the closet - and you, not only will you cause all of this but you will be injecting yourself with several ingredients that by themselves the CDC says you should not put in your body...

I did not want to get caught up in the hype so I thought I would go to the source - so I called the CDC information center looking for information; specifically the ingredients that make up H1N1. I did not want the ingredients and measurements - it is not like I was trying to make moonshine H1N1. But I did want to know what they where recommending that I and the kids around me inject into our bodies... The answer may shock you. There was no answer. The CDC does not know what is in the H1N1 vaccine. This is no joke. I spent 25 minutes on the phone - mostly on hold and then had a conversation with a nice young lady (well she sounded nice). She was honest with me and stated that www.cdc.gov does not have the answers and neither does her office. She could tell me how what was in the flue vaccine but not H1N1. She could tell me how to determine if I had the swine flu and she told me that I should take the H1N1 but she could not tell me what was in the vaccine that she was encouraging me to take... So I made a deal with her. I would mix something up based on what I have at home put it in a cup and tell her that it will make her happy - if she drinks it up then I will take the H1N1... She would not take me up on the deal. But still said that I should get the shot...

So what is in H1N1? We only know a couple of the ingredients and those ingredients are not good.

Bad ingredient number 1: Mercury

Mercury has a number of effects on humans that can be simplified into the following effects:

• disruption of the nervous system
• damage to brain functions
• allergic reactions, resulting in skin rashes, tiredness and headaches
• negative reproductive effects such as sperm damage, birth defects and miscarriages

Damages brain functions can cause degradation of learning abilities, personality changes, tremors, vision changes (for the worse not better spider man), deafness (only good if you don't want to listen to your wife/gf nag you anymore), muscle incoordination and memory loss (great if you want to see her/him for the first time, every time).

Bad ingredient number 2: cancer cells from animals

From everything that I can find, every effort made by modern medicine has been to patients of cancer - not put cancer in patients. The experts say, that we don't know the full effects of injecting animal cancers into people.

Bad ingredient number 3: MF59

Interesting fact 1 - MF59 has not been approved by the FDA. Interesting fact number 2 - MF59 Adjuvant do not stimulate antibody responses against Squalene. Interesting fact number 3 - MF59 was an unapproved ingredient in the experimental anthrax vaccines and has since been linked to the devastating autoimmune diseases suffered by countless Gulf War vets. Interesting fact number 4: CDC.gov is saying that kids may need a double dose of the H1N1 vaccine but parents and children safety groups have insisted that nay vaccine to be received by a child must have all its ingredients disclosed and must be free of Thimerosal (mercury - fun side note: thimerosal causing autism has gone from a biological plausible to biological certainty) and the squalene adjuvant (not FDA approved yet)...

So who wants to go get a shot with tomorrow? A shot of tequila that is...

Monday Magic... questions answered....

You have questions about love and and sex. I have answers. So let's get to it party people..

Q: Is it okay to Michael Bolton someone?

A: The reality is that of the two of you doing the no pants dance one of you really likes the other and the other likes the freedom of having sex without paying for your dinner before having sex with you. Now if you get caught in a how can we be lovers if we can't be friends situation and all you want is the friendship with some hot and easy action on the side remind your friend that dating is legal prostitution - that should by you at least one more weekend of naked wrestling before you have to stop playing the role of a inbred southerner banging your really nice cousin and instead go out and actually try and date... Time to put your big kid pants on and face the world.

Q: Sex while your aunt is in town?

A: Like sex with an ugly person (if you have never had sex with an ugly person, than you are the ugly person - sorry but someone had to tell you) you can do it and you can make it fun. The rules are as follows: it has to be really dark; a change of sheets needs to be available; no cuddling after - the finish starts with a shower and neither of you looking below your waist.. If you can follow these instructions then you can have sex when her aunt is in town.

Q: Number 1 - Number 2

A:: It is NEVER okay to pee or poop in front of your lover - especially you ladies who like to sneak in a pee before jumping in the shower with us. First, when dating you ladies help kill the planet by running water while you pee for fear that we will hear your pee hit the water. So why you would go from not letting us hear you pee to peeing in front of us baffles the minds of scholars around the world. And don't get me started on crap. Smells, gas, smells and the face people make when they drop a hot log is just not sexy. But if you must then lets go 80's game show style and lets make a deal... If we can pee in the shower while you are in the shower with us than you can drop either number in front of us... Deal?

Q: Laying out the month...

A: In these busy times we schedule everything from lunch to the gym to time with friends so it makes sense to schedule right? Depeche Mode it with me - WRONG! The best part of sex is having it when you did not plan on having sex... Maybe you are making dinner and realize that the microwave works and your does your libido. So you turn off the burner, put the oven on warm and knock one out... The only schedule both of you should have is an internal schedule that clocks the time between the two of you being intimate with each other - not just sex, but kisses, hugs and most importantly (cause it leads to sex - wink, wink) kissing the person you love in way that lets them know that you still LUST for them....

There you have it 4 questions - 4 answers.... No go and live out Monday like it was a Saturday...